Vitamine Water

Inner chatter is OFF THE CHARTS right now. I'm going full ape mode. Oe oe oe oe oe a a a a a!! I'm having multiple versions of conversations in my head. When one is finished, the other version starts and it must be done with full attention. I have to really feel it. Btw this is only when my mind isnt occupied with work work or hobbies. I only do it when my mind is alone with itself. Like for example right now, when I'm on the toilet taking a huge you fill in the blanks. Meditations is the time to reconnect. Every evening before bed I become emotional when I sit. I remember myself again. I tell myself I need not to forget. Crazy things are happening that are too abstract for me to understand, let alone write about.

*Edit: this is me talking to me Please help me be aware. Please help me be aware. Its not for me. Its for everyone else. Please help me be aware so I can be present. Please help me be aware so I can be relaxed and not live through thought and doubts and insecurities. So I can have a relationship and be complete. This part is missing. I have to fix myself before I can help others. I am not fixed. I need to be complete in order to help others to be complete. It's for my own happiness and that of others. I want to help others reach their happiness. Its for happiness' sake. // What does it mean to live life as Myself and not as Wesley? Who is Wesley? Who is Wesley? I awerness am not Wesley Wesley is empty There is no substance to Wesley Why do I assume that I am a someone or a something? Why do I assume that I am someone? What is a someone? //

Headache. Nothing much going on today. I feel unaware and not present. I am aware that this is my old self boiling up trying to grab me. And because I let it, I get dragged into unconscious behavior. I am more sensitive. Things bother me more quickly. I get irritated more quickly, whereas before these things wouldn't have bother me at all. I even noticed some jealousy towards a friend of me. It happens, but it feels very uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Not like me. I tasted what it feels like to be aware. I tasted what it feels like to wake up and be aware. To take a shower and be aware. To brush my teeth and be aware. To make breakfast and be aware. I am in the moment. I am happy because of it. I am not on autopilot. I tasted I am and I am. I cannot forget this. I might be temporarily playing a different game, but i cannot forget this. I'm shooting myself in the toe by writing this but fuck it. NO MORE HIDING I need to keep writing. Remember why I started this journal in the first place.

I'm feeling a bit down. Undirected. All over te place. I'm feeling restless and uninspired. My energy levels are low. I switched from qi gong to running because I needed more cardio. Qi gong didn't to it for me at this point. I'm excited to be in the running flow. Meditstions are short and lazy. It's like my body mind can't handle sitting down even for 10 minutes. I get so restless. There is a tention in my throat and chest area when meditation. It makes my body feel awkward and uncomfortable. I roll over and move a lot because I can't sit still. I'm having so many unnecessary thoughts and I got angry at myself yesterday. That's some old type behaviour I'm not used to from myself. I am not present. I am absorbed in a lot of thinking, monkey mind and stupid videos. It takes a lot longer before awareness kicks in. Im starting my day thinking what the fuck is my goal today. I KNOW my goal is to do art and work on my website but there is an energy block. A motivation block. An inspiration block. The best cure to that is to just do it. But I'm not liking this wave at all.

I allow myself to take a step back I observe my mind falling back to old habits I allow monkey mind, I allow unconsciousness I am aware, I am not fighting it Before I would feel quite down when I noticed myself slipping back into old states. But now I'm content with it. I'm very clearly observing the proces, knowing that the I Am will never be lost or forgotten. This is a phase Body movements and twists are ego releasing energy. I am aware of how much monkey mind there is Constantly entertaining myself with thoughts Scenarios, interviews, questions, random conversations Everytime I become aware its amusing to see I'm talking to myself I'm actually talking to MYSELF! That's funny as hell It's kind of childish too in a way

I am aware of my separate self talking Self inquiry is the mind trying to inquiry into itself with itself. I am observing the self inquiry process I am aware of my thoughts formulating words I am aware of my senses I am ware of the sensations in my spine I am aware of the sensatitions in my forehead I am aware of the sounds coming from this keyboard I am aware of the lights coming of this keyboard I am aware of my hands I am ware of my knees I am aware of the dark colors in my room I am aware of the objects in front and besides me I am aware of my body I am aware of my body I am not that I am aware of that I am aware I am Silence What does it mean to live my life as Myself, and not as Wesley What does it mean to live my life as Myself, and not as Wesley What does it mean to live my life as awareness, and not as Wesley What does it mean to live my life as awareness The body feels light. My shoulders feel light. Mind is calm. I am aware. Nothing happened. Just connecting the dots by writing for future. Don't claim or cling to these experiences. -------------------- 6 jan it feels like it's happening to me. It doesn't feel like i'm in control of this. The ego part of me CAN do something. It can decide not to fall back in zombie mode, by consciously not doing those things and decide to meditate or take a break instead for example. But for the rest it's all just happening. Im going through this. There is no way back. As long as I don't fall back this presence can grow. The recognition of my true "I". The recognition of the true me. It's making its way through me. I don't even know what to call it and me and I anymore at this point. It's just sitting here being here. I am listening to it. I am making room for it. I am embracing it. Ego-mind wants to be in this place. No clinging or claiming and let go.

Fuck me sideways. I understand the source of the random crying, the weeping. It's the overwhelming beauty of presence and being. It's my being. It's who and what I am. Its the overwhelming feeling of peace that makes the ego cry. But there is no ego, there is no me, there is no mind. There is just peace, beauty and presence. It has always been there and it will always be there. Its a re-discovering of my true self. It's the ultimate homecoming. It's as Ruper Spira describes it 'self remembering'. The feeling that I finally met myself, while i've been hiding in plain sight for so many years. It's the recognition that i don't have to live my life the way I live it now, full of doubts, fears and insecurities. Sure, my life is good, I feel happy. But the fear is holding me down to become my true self. The self that I always envisioned myself to be. The free self. The aware self. The self that travels, socializes, meets new people and friends, the one that truly inspires. The self that isnt't caught up in thinking, but in doing. Living. Loving. I asked myself to make me remember who I am and I realized I was talking to God. I'm taking some time off the internet. The last two days i've been hyper present and internet, phones, podcasts are distracting me a bit. I need to really listen and surrender to this right now. <3

Random thoughts Even though I’m Dutch, my thinking is English. I prefer English over dutch. I talk with myself in English. I even interview myself in my head. Future scenarios. For example, I might vision myself as a well respected and successful artist having an interview with a reporter. While I’m both the artist and the interviewer. And im getting the perfect questions and the perfect answers at the same time. It’s like a mental circle jerk lol. But It feels authentic. It brings me closer to my values as an artist. To really dig in what I feel and what I care about. Both for myself and for the world. But I smell some ego-centric tendencies now that im writing this. Writing is actually very helpful. Shout out to words. The English thinking makes me wonder what the source of that is. Maybe its because I grew up watching enlish shows, internet, gaming, music etc. Most things online are English ime. It also make me wonder why I’m interested in the Japanese language, or Hebrew? Why am I interested in anything at all? Is it past lives? Is it DNA? This still is a mystery to me. Maybe science can help.

Self inquiry Who am I? The minds modus operandi is to find the answer in memory. Makes sense, because that’s the life I’ve been living. That’s the familiar story. Actually the question is “who was I”? But that’s not the question. The question is who am I, now? Again, silence. sight seems to be the most tricky. The world is full of sight and visual stimulation. Also, feeling. The feeling of my body, sensations. But what happens if I turn them inside out? There seem to be two world. The world of nothingness, and the place of objectivity, sights, sounds, everything. And I can switch between them. Habit is to have the objectivity switch on. Of course. All the mind can know is objectivity. There is a tendency to avoid the question Who am I. It’s so simple yet so complicated. From egos perspective the question is silly. But also unfamiliar. Like wtf are you doing? You crazy? Mind makes it complicated. Obviously. This question cannot be answered with thinking so I should stop writing. What is memory?

Random thoughts I'm having a bit of a ego backlash the last few days. Desire to get quick dopamine rushes (watching movies, more masturbation, wanting to play video games, very short and lazy meditations) . Unconscious flow basically. I was also in a creative flow and that has numbed down a bit too. The best way to get back in that flow is to keep creating and keep doing the breathing exercises, bacause I really want to. FOCUSSSSSSSSSSSS MAKE. THIS. A. MANTRA. ?

Great question ? The source of the confusion is that I'm split between two sides: one side is identity, ego, personhood, the story I've been living my life. The other side is the intuitive feeling/knowing that I am being, emptiness, Consciousness, whatever you want to call it. I am that. So the source of the confusion is in my mind. Its my ego. My ego knows and sees its end, and its trying very hard to maintain that sense of self. I can clearly see this because of the ego backlashes. I can also see it because I'm writing this right now, so I'm telling myself that story. And so it's becomes true. It's a trap. But, the more I connect with being the more I realise that as my true self. It feels like homecoming. The deepest and most comforting form of homecoming. A feeling that something was hiding for all those years and it's finnaly coming to the surface. I'm not someone that cries fast, but that shit gives me tears sometimes. In those moments of clarity and awareness, I know I am. If I look in my direct experience now, there is no story. There is no Wesley. I can't find it. And then the story and ego crawls back in with "Hey cool experience, but your still Wesley, dude. Come back silly. I am you! You've known me for so long!" Again, ego backlash. Doubt. But I'm faithful. I just have to keep pushing to challenge my ego and let it surrender to the force, while still exploring and enjoying the fruits of ego land.

Thank you! These are great insights. "Love begins the moment man contemplates the Creation and says, ‘Thank you, God." This.

Self inquiry Shut up. Who's aware? I have no idea who's aware. How the fuck can I objectively answer a question I ask myself? What kinda loop is that? I try to ask the question as if someone else is asking it to me, like who are you? That's crazy. Hard to put energy behind the question who am I. To genuinely ask it without being too mechanical. Who. Am. I. All I perceive is a body made out of meat and some random thoughts. I identify with my body because this is all I know of being myself. I lived with this body for 23 YEARS (mind answer. Thoughts. Homeostasis. Habit) BUT WHO IS THE I THAT IDENTIFIES WITH THE BODY? "I"dentify. No I am not my body. I'm not my hands. I'm not my thoughts. I am aware of these things. Funny. But who is aware then??? The name Wesley is empty when asked in direct experience. It's empty. It's a mental sound. Letters.

??

Random thoughts Not knowing is the starting point. Genuine not knowing. Blank slate. I sometimes feel confused. But im not sure what im confused about. I guess that the essence of being confused. Big part of it is the struggle of understanding my True identity. Its like a soccer match between two teams: who I think I am (the person, ego, human being) versus who I intuitivly feel I am (consciousness, awareness, emptiness). And there's the individual players who represent different aspects of my ego self, bouncing a ball between them. Shifting masks. And then there is also the referee who says im both and neither teams at the same time. Where does that leave me? But I know what to do. I have to dig deeper, look deeper. Deeper deeper deeper. The theoretical understanding is there but it can get in the way of direct experience. Only when I take time to meditate, do breathing exercises or just relax is when I realise im on the right track. Planting seeds. But as soon as I continue with the day, im zapped back into unconsciousness. Absorbed in objectivity, matter, stuff. No self reflectiveness. Something needs to break here. Keep doing the breathing exercises. Extend with self inquiry. Evening meditation ealier. Keep questioning, ask myself WHO IS EXPERIENCING THIS? not only in meditation but also when im wiping my ass. ALWAYS. make this a mantra.

Strengths and weaknesses Here I will make a list of my strengths and weaknesses. I will keep adding items if something new pops up. Strenghts I am funny (haha?) I am relaxed, chilled. Grounded. I am conscious, wise. Although I don't like that label. I am creative I am content, happy. I am a good looking I am caring, empathetic I am disciplined I am a perfectionist for the things that I'm passionate about. Important distinction. I am social in social situations. I challenge myself There is a cow making noises outsidr and its distracting me lol I am self reflective I am accepting, forgiving I am vegetarian, I eat healthy Weaknesses I am easily distracted I am insecure in (new) social situations Overthinking I am too self critical at times. Not in the flow. Procrastination, work/sport related Avoiding new situations. Too much comfort zone. I can be too easy going, lazy I am not fit I am bad at small talk, awkward *Initially I noticed that I didn't write "I am" before items in the weakness section. So I added I am. Because I am!!

Quiet mind = slow belly breathing Monkey mind = high chest breathing Deep meditations are almost always accompanied by slow belly breathing. Mind is quiet. When there's lots of thought, awareness is focused on exactly that and breathing is shallow and more in chest area.

Goal: increasing body and breath awareness Technique: 5 minute Diaphragmatic breathing exercise (morning) Duration: 90 days I will be posting my thoughts and improvements here on a daily basis to challenge myself to stay committed. Feel free to post suggestions, share thoughts or post dank memes. Wesley

Self Inquiry Question who am I Is surrounded by awareness. Like a dark empty room without walls where the question arises in. The question itself is empty. It is surrounded by emptiness, before and after the question is asked. Repeating the question rhythmically amplifies this but not for too long because then the observer mode is lost and I get carried away by the repetition without remaining aware.

Here we go. Hold on tight. My name is wesley. I am 23 years old. I live in a small Dutch town near the city of Rotterdam with my parents. My father works in the housing industry and my mother is a nurse. I have one older brother, Melvin. He is 24 years old and lives with his girlfriend in Delft. I've always considered myself to be a happy child. My childhood was amazing. I was always playing around, making jokes and having loads of friends. In high-school I wanted to be the popular kid in class. I was the "class clown" if you will. People wanted to be around me and I wanted to be around people. Everyone. I always had a weakness for the "unpopular" kids in school, so in lunchbreaks I would sit with the geeks and nerds. We would laugh and have fun all the time. I guess I just wanted people to feel good. A people pleaser. Feel good about themselves and about me. We had a thing where I would sketch a strip/cartoon story every week. With funny stupid characters and really dry humor. I would share this with my classmates every Friday or so and they loved it. But at home I was someone else. I was quiet, reserved. I was living two different lives at once. My best friends knew this. I was drawing and playing video games, mostly. Call of duty and World of Warcraft. Those times were amazing. Being the popular kid also meant that I was popular with girls. I had a huge crush one someone for years but I didn't have the balls to say it to her. I knew she was the one. But I was too busy being popular and playing video games. I think all the attention from girls overwhelmed me. I wasnt ready for it. There have been times where I felt like love was forced on me. Pushing me to say that I love them while I didn't really have feelings for the girl. Being pushed to choose between 3 different girls. In primary school: people making fun of me for having a relationship/liking a girl. It's not as bad as I make it sound tho, but it had an impact on my life. Untill this day I haven't had sex or real intimacy. I've kissed a girl that I liked but that's about it. And I think that these instances subconsciously changed how I view relationships and intemacy. Everything really changed when I started meditating in 2016, right after highschool. I saw Leo's video "Understanding awareness, the staggering depth of your unconsciousness" or something like that. And something clicked. This was it. I always felt like there was more to reality than I could perceive. Some invisible force. I tried to move objects with my mind (and obviously not succeeding.) But this was it. Consciousness. And down the rabbit hole I went. I started reading books about Enlightenment, mastery, the universe, whatever. I made a conscious decision to meditate everyday from that day on. Meditation revealed who I am. Or rather, who I was in the past. I realised that my whole life I was faking an identity. I put on a mask. The class clown mask. The funny guy mask. The "I want to be liked" mask. And at home I was me. I was hiding behind a mask and I found relief in gaming, drawing and music. No wonder why I was a fan of Linkin Park, loud Dubstep and Call of Duty. It clicked. Meditation also revealed my insecurities. Public speaking. Talking to girls. It revealed that the base of all those insecurities was a lack of self love. Too much energy going outwards and less inward. The good guy syndrome! Also, aliens. Channeling. UFOs, art. More on that later. I learned to reconnect with myself. Reconnect with my source, awareness. I've learned to observe thoughts and emotions without being carried away by them. Being grounded. It made me a more chilled, relaxed, aware and happy person. Accepting. Fast forward to today. I have a commercial background in Communication and multimedia design. App and Web design basicaly. It gives me a good financial basis as a freelancer, but it is not my future. I learned a lot at college, but I realised in the second year that it limited my creativity. They want to put you in a box where you'll fit as a designer. I need to be free, follow my own vision and not someone else's. Ime, there is a lot of ego involved in the design business. Fuck that. I have a clear vision of my future: art. Reconnect with people and other artists. Step out of my comfort zone, my happy bubble. Its time to go out and meet new people. I want to share what I've learned on all facets of life. I want to learn. I want to become a better artist and better lover. I want intimacy. I need intimacy. I missed it. I've been living in my parents basement for too long! ? I have to face my fears because I'm done with hiding. Stop projecting. Love.

@Austin Actualizing @modmyth Thanks guys! ♥️

I was mostly asleep today. Cold shower gave me power and energy but it quickly subsided. I was energyzed, motivated, just not aware. It's a slippery slope really. I see how important it is to consistently maintain a habit. But its hard. It's the same thing with sleep: if I change my schedule once, my system gets messed up. For example, I went out this Thursday. Had some fun with friends, barely slept and now it feels like I'm back at square one. If I want the momentum that I'm looking for, I have to KEEP FOCUSING!!

Busy busy busy. Lots of activities going on, business, social etc. No breathing exercises the last two days. It's weekend now so back to the practices.

The 15 minutes do feel more engaging (instead of 5). It feels less rushed. I'm holding deeper breaths by extending pauses between the breaths. Also sloooooower breathing. Conscious breathing. And I notice it's easier to breathe deeper in the belly when all the air is out of my lungs. As a side note, there is an increasing urge to go meta while meditating and during these breathing exercises. There is a danger that habits become stale and repetitive, especially meditation in my case. But I've learned to accept it as part of the learning curve. Being on the "plateau" where nothing seems to be happening. That's when you got to push through no matter what and hit yourself with that zen stick ?