2 weeks ago I had a non-dual experience. I firstly had a non-abiding non-dual experience in the middle of the night where my outer senses collapsed and then there was no point of origin anymore, object and perceiver didn't exist anymore, everything in my field of awareness was me and it was full of life/energy/consciousness. Suddenly fear rushed in, and it was so strong that it identified with me strongly and instantaneously and i almost had a panic attack. I wrote about the experience on reddit here: https://www.reddit.com/r/nonduality/comments/eluzm9/help_need_some_advice_from_someone_about_my/
Next day i saw a reply with a video from Rupert Spira, i looked in his eyes, then my vision blurred, and the consciousness which i thought was me (the part that's behind the eyes) was super focused and it inverted itself and then I had an experience where I was everything, I could visually feel and see my thoughts and they were super rapid. The best metaphor I can come up with is sperm cells going super fast and flying towards the field of awareness. Everything in the field awareness was super crisp and alive and extremely intense. It was almost too beautiful and strong. Reality didn't look like it was made of matter and particles anymore (what i was taught in school), reality existed because of consciousness, without consciousness there's no reality. Objective reality is just a made-up concept by a collection of human ego-minds and we just simply believe in this delusion without ever having experienced objective reality in the field of consciousness by being aware.
So why do I think enlightenment is a bunch of horseshit? please read on:
The way which I achieved enlightenment is observe fear as a sensation and see how fear embodiment has been running my whole life. Nearly all my life decisions were based on fear. People don't realise this but fear is the main driver for most of their decisions, it's so subtle that most people don't even realise it. Fear embodiment is probably the biggest stumbling block to a non-dual experience.
So anyway, yesterday I was held up at knife point just outside my house and all this enlightenment bullshit went straight out the fucking window. I think what i realised being in such a position fear and vulnerability when someone has a knife to your neck, has shown me that even if you have some non-dual experience that you will have fear operating. What did all those years of meditating, dis-identifying with fear do in that situation? FUCK ALL that's what! FUCK ALL. I was terrified, I had constant fucking dreams about it, waking up in the middle of the night. What has my enlightenment experience taught me from this situation? That i would have acted and been full of terror and fear whether i did have the non-dual experience or not.
This experience just proved to me this: God or whoever the fuck it is running this whole show has deluded humans and animal beings on purpose. I have a special place for Rupert Spira in my heart (Leo Gura also) but Rupert Spira is chatting out his fucking ass when he says that pure God/Consciousness doesn't know evil/fear. This is absolute bullshit. God knows fucking fear and evil, the fucker invented it. Where the hell do you think your ego and conceptual thought identification comes from, out of nowhere? It's created somewhere! Even animals have conceptual thoughts, they identify with other dogs, if they got hit as little puppies by a belt, they will be scared of belts. My dog is scared of bin bags because she got trapped in one as a puppy, so she runs away every time i change the bin bags in the house. That's FEAR using conceptual thought of having the image of a bin bag in her dog-ego-mind.
God has deluded all of us on purpose, why else is enlightenment so fucking hard? Maybe God/Reality doesn't want you to experience it that's why, maybe enlightenment is a bunch of bullshit. Maybe non-duality is just an altered state of consciousness and is meaningless. When push comes to shove, it's your ego-mind that will save you. That nirvanic state of non-duality will not save you, it's a fucking hindrance. And when you have a horrific experience happen to you, it will be your ego-mind and fear which will be operating you and saving you and making you relive the experience.
And Leo constantly bashing survival and all this, to me it's fucking nonsense. Why do I have the ability to produce children if survival is pointless? It's fucking built by the same God who's saying that survival is bullshit? absolute fucking nonsense.
Honestly the only thing i want to do, is actually forget this enlightenment and spiritual fluffy bullshit, forget this non-dual awareness, Also fuck DMT, I don't want to do that either, just another altered state of bullshit, speaking to "aliens" which are probably your own fucking thoughts in the first place.
I'm going to live my fucking life, get a security camera outside my house, get a German shepherd and try to raise children in this hostile fucked up world. This spiritual nonsense did nothing for me, I pursued it for no fucking reason. And as I said, spiritual pursuit is stupid anyway, why else is it so difficult to even experience it in the first place?
