Viking

i think if you will try enough times eventually you will succeed if you want it, my guess is you dont. dunno man i've been in the army environment and its a total waste of time, it wont change you definitely, only you can change yourself. I was about a month in the army and at the start I started to feel like im getting "disciplined" but time passed and i was getting lazy even in the army environment. after that month I got back to my old ways. only you can change yourself, no environment can do that for you.

for me every time i experience something "cringy" or I have sudden self awareness near people, or generally something would happen that triggers me emotionally I feel that burning sensation in my chest. I guess the only solution is to first not resist it, whatever happens let it be, resistance will only make it worse. second do some shadow work and go deep into those memories and see what's the problem, what's holding you, face your fear, surrender to it. you can also do some shamanic breathing or take psychedelics. if it's way too intense to do alone you can go try a different therapist, I think their quality varies a lot. do some spiritual work, consciousness work, meditation, yoga, chakra work, yada yada... this stuff is common at least to some degree, everybody experiences strong emotional triggers sometimes, though for some trauma might amplify it, that means that for these people it takes more hardcore work to overcome. try reading books, "loving what is" "the sedona method" are really really helpful. take what I say with a grain of salt

this is where im stuck in orange i think. on the outside when im interacting with people i feel love for them and Im trying my best to make them good, but when im to myself theres a ton of judgement and hate towards people, i dont necessariliy agree with what goes on in my head but i dont feel love for others when im in that state.

im not understanding because you talk in such a complicated language, why cant you talk like a normal human?

that's just false, I can think of someone and love at the same time

i've no idea, everybody's talking about it and apparently life will be better with it

@Arkandeus did you answer the question? didnt get you.

@njuufa you both say "love yourself first" How do I love the ugly parts of myself if they're ugly by my own definition therefore not deserving love and should be eliminated?

Lately every day I wake up,I turn off my alarm clock and go back to sleep, not caring when i wake up. I stopped exercising. My university semester ended and I finished the last required homework sets so all i do in my free time is either wasting it or watching youtube videos or watching movies, listening to music, watching football etc. I have a lot to study for the exam period but im not doing it. I eat a lot of sweets, my diet has gone to shit. I gained about 4 kg in the last month. I stopped reading books, because I read them in the morning but now im waking up so late. What I want to do is just lay on the sofa and play some candy crush. 2 weeks ago I was sick so I stopped my yoga routine because I couldnt do it, but I didnt go back to it yet even though im healthy already, i dont meditate either. I stopped a long time ago the life purpose course because it started to be hard. I watched some motivation videos, wanted to start doing the life purpose course, but then gave up shortly after before starting. I dont know how I got into this situation, i was sliding into it slowly, one little thing after another, a few minutes waking up later turned into whole mornings. I realized where this would lead at the time but I didnt do anything about it, i didnt care, i kind of still dont, but at the same time i do, HAAAA. I know to break free I need to set some aim, get some vision but I just dont get into doing it. It feels like I could easily break free but i just dont get into doing it, i dont want to. I guess my only motivation right now is fear, I fear failing my exams, I fear not actualizing, if i dont my life will be shit, i fear ending up on the street or under my parents' care. if i end up in the extreme of those situations i guess ill kill myself. a huge fear of mine is being like most people, lazy, working a "comfortable good job" getting home and sliding into comfort, never seeing the higher dimensions of life. I still dont do anything though.

man, for some reason that dude's videos just bore me to hell

Watch Hayao Miyazaki movies. The green is just oozing from all of the holes. See if you have any resistance to feeling whatever comes up within you in his movies. I watched Porco Rosso yesterday and I felt some "cringe" at some moments, in other words resistance for love. I noticed that and just let it go and wept like a child through the movie. The atmosphere of his movies brings me to my childhood, where everything is so alive.

yeah, relatable indeed lmao, but in your situation I think it was caused by getting out of the daily routine of school days.

I wonder if to transcend the ego one has to develop it fully. im talking about sahaja samadhi, can a guy in his 20s achieve that? im asking not to speculate or something, im asking to know better what to do with my life. where does the extreme drive to get enlightened come from? for me it's to be the best fucking human being that's possible to be. I realize it's just another desire of the ego, but I cant help it, it's there, that extremely masculine fire to be the best. best doenst necessarily mean powerful, smart, or any of that stage orange stuff, but more wisdom, the best from the best and wisest perspective so to speak.

for example there's chakra meditations, some osho meditations, which are kind of special and arent done every day. If I do a certain meditation just one time, can just the nature of the meditation bring me to some higher/calmer/more blissful state, at least for some time? and can it bring about extraordinary states, much more than just "calm"? for exapmle I do a certain meditation just this once without preperation or anything, and enter an extremely blissful state just like that. is that possible? and all the impermanent experiences beside, is doing a special meditation once in a while worth it at all? or is meditation should be done everyday for some results?

I have no idea where im heading, therefore I have no clue as to what stage im in, I dont know for what insights to look for and what to contemplate in order to get them. for example I tried to contemplate what I am, I understood that I really dont exist inside this body, it's empty, therefore I gotta be or nothing or everything that is in my perception. that made no difference what so ever on how I think about life and I just go about thinking that im this body while if i sit for a while i will remember again i am not. or that or im deceiving myself. that just shows how low i am in terms of growth, I have absolutely no clue about anything and i dont have the slightest idea where to go. i remember days after i took lsd i was in such a clear state of mind that i could hear my inner voice, i knew just exactly what to contemplate and where to go, but now my mind is so cluttered i have no idea. i dont understand what youre trying to say isnt that just getting blown by the wind whichever way it wants to blow?

can you link the specific video please?

I measure results by the integration of the insights into daily life, but if those insights/experiences are very tough to integrate through singular experiences, then how do I integrate them at all?

@How to be wise and what are those techniques?

whatever is the best in the wisest perspective, so "feeling special" doesnt fall into that category, since it's not the best from the wisest perspective. again, best not in a limited sense as you describe here.

what does it mean?

tl;dr I dont want to study, but I have to study, when I study im suffering, wtf do i do I study physics, I finish in one year and I have to get ok grades and not to drop out. after than I will have a pretty good position in army, the army pays for my studies, if i drop out, i will have to repay everything. the position in army will involve some physics and leading projects, human relations, articulating my speech, it will be great for me, and it sounds interesting. im also interested in what im studying right now, which is quantum mechanics, statistical physics and other stuff, its very interesting. the problem is whenever i sit to study i feel a repulsion. in my mind watching a movie is better time spent than studying. when I dont procrastinate and do get myself to do homework, to study, I suffer through it and in the back of my mind i want to finish it faster because it feels like a waste of time. i have no idea why i feel that way, i realize intellectually its not the case at all but that is what goes on in my mind. im suffering really bad when i dont do homework or when im doing it, i have to force myself to study and that is also suffering. even though the content is interesting i dont care that its interesting and i wanna finish it as fast as i can. when i picture to myself in my head "studying" vs "watching a youtube video" for example, the studying is suffering and the watching feels exciting, though not always, nowadays often times im in a mood in which even watching is not interesting, not watching movies, not reading books, not anything i used to like. The thing is that I have to study often times a lot, it takes a lot of time to finish a single set of homework and that is most of my time, I feel like its a huge waste of time, so i want to change that somehow, i want to feel that the time i invest in studying is worthwhile and not just know it. studying time is more worthwhile than watching movies, that i know for sure, it develops my thinking capabilities, my studying capabilities, it will make me better at my future position at the army, so i dont understand why i dont feel like it is worth the time. when I think that most of my day will go into studying and that is most of my days i feel meaninglessness, repetitive daily boredom, going nowhere, existing only now, without meaning. I wouldnt mind the meaningless if it wasnt so painful, i dont have any joy in the present moment, its just empty, when i dive into that emptiness my mind remembers the meaninglessness and gets restless, it wants something to happen, to unfold, it cant just be. im always craving food or entertainment or porn, i sometimes masturbate even if i dont want to. often times when I wake up im the most conscious, my view of life is least cluttered with my daily shit, and i notice how it gets cluttered little by little until i transition into my daily persona again. in those clean moments I feel dread for the day and the responsibilities to come, i try to surrender to it as much as i can, maybe saying "dread" is a bit much, but the feeling is uncomfortable. My goal in life right now is to survive university and transition into army, and by the way to discover my life purpose through the course. however i realize that stuff is just to set my path, to survive, to know where im going, thats not the point of life, the point is to enjoy now, though i dunno how to do it. I got a bit carried away but I feel a general discomfort because I have to do something I dont want to do and which is hard to do, though which is also up to my capabilities to do. sometimes i get anxiety because i know im not studying fully, as i could. i dont study fully because of that resistance, even if i would try to, and i often try, its very hard with that resistance present. pushing through that resistance creates suffering. the anxiety comes from the fear of failure. im basically sitting to do homework and i want to do something else, and it drives me nuts. I tried to inquire into what makes that resistance, and the answer i came up with is partly what i told before, the waste of time, the desire to do something else. im studying to become the best human being i can possible be, why do i need that? to have the best life i can possibly have, I have to survive somehow, therefore i need money, but i want that money to come with least suffering, therefore i need to be a highly skilled person with good learning, thinking and verbal capabilities. in addition i want to serve people in the best way i can, that is the most meaningful thing as far as meaning goes, that is besides truth. im crying now because it's that important to me to ease people's suffering, im getting really emotional when I think about giving my life for other people, but i still have that fucking resistance which i dont know how to deal with or where it really comes from. how do i get rid of that resistance to study? - i know i need it and i have to do it, but i got habitual resistance therefore procrastination how do i deal with that meaninglessness and accept i can only live now? edit: I dont think a person can use the same thing to motivate himself for years to do something, its all about habits. But im so deep in shit thinking habits that i dont know if i can get out. I tried but its so fucking hard, almost impossible it seems like. I think the resistance is a habit, the wrong studying is a habit.

i just listened to an audiobook called "kick ass with mel robbins" and i think i figured out why i procrastinate. its because when im getting about to start studying, im so stressed that my brain just says 'nope' and i feel like i have other things to do, thats why the studying would be a waste of time. i procrastinate to relief stress. the problem is i have no idea what that is and i think i need someones help to figure it out. my brain is truly in such chaos like @White said that i have way too much shit to figure out so i cant study. i also may have ptsd or a subtle form of it. i suspect that because i notice that sometimes i get numb when im in tough situations or when i get bad emotions and i masquerade that as "surrendering to the present moment".

psychedelics can give you a broader view of the world which in turn will make your priorities clearer, but life purpose is something that is found over a large period of time and experience. in the afterglow personally i had a very clear mind therefore i was extremely creative, and could think up of stuff regarding the life purpose i couldnt before. though during the trip you cant concentrate so it depends on luck.