Emerald

What I have experienced is that the life-purpose is more innate. In one of my Ayahuasca experiences, it showed me that my life's purpose was "mercy". And it showed me how mercy had been a CONSTANT driving force in my life all the way throughout even back to my earliest memories. Think of this as like a North Star where it is a constant guiding light... or like the natural flow of the current of the truest deepest will. But it is deliberately left very open-ended so that you can choose any scale or form to express it in. I could scale it down and just give myself mercy. Or I can scale it up and find ways to give mercy to the whole world. And I can choose many different jobs and careers that intertwine with mercy. Or I can choose to not incorporate this life's purpose into my work if that were my choice. So, there is also a high degree of choice within it. But if you want to find the life's purpose, look for your most honest and most persistent motivation that shows up in your life CONSTANTLY. It is subtle but pervasive... and you can spot it if you know how to look for it.

It's connected to Trump because, if he gets into office, he would most certainly take as much liberty as the law gives him to fire any dissenting voices and appoint Trump loyalists. Really it would allow any politician to do that. But he already has a strong proclivity for that type of behavior. But you are correct that Project 2025 is more the work of right wing think tanks. But if Trump or any Republican gets elected, it gives these think tanks a lot of leverage to implement this plan because these think tanks are the ones that fund their campaigns.

With the rise of social media and the internet, a dynamic that has likely been bubbling underneath the surface of humanity for millennia has finally coalesced, come to a head, and been laid bare for the world to see. And the pattern that has coalesced can be seen in communities like Red Pill, Incels, MGTOW, and the Manosphere in general. You can also see it in men who aren't directly involved with these online communities but that tend to have a lot of bitterness and mistrust towards women. And you can see these same patterns arise in pickup/male dating communities a lot as well. But what most people aren't yet aware of is what the actual root of these movements/groups is. People who are involved with and/or sympathize with these groups see these communities as a place for male empowerment. Many view women as having too much power, and see these movements as a way to put women back in their place. People who are against these movements notice the misogyny and problems within these groups and tend to demonize them. But both the supporters and detractors of these groups tend to only view them on the level of the symptoms but aren't aware of the actual root of the problem. The actual root of the problem is that many men are pressured and/or perceive a pressure to match up to an impossible Masculine ideal. And this produces feelings of shame because no man can actually fully embody that ideal. And this produces an intense anxiety in men at any part of them that deviates from the Masculine and is seen as Feminine. So because having Feminine qualities (or just non-Masculine qualities) becomes a deep-seated anxiety, this causes many men to push their sensitivity, vulnerability, and Feminine side in general into the Shadow. And there is an intense feeling of shame associated with any hint of emasculation.... which can include but is not limited to being rejected by women. Then, because women are viewed as a reflection of their repressed Feminine side... there is an attraction/repulsion dynamic in men. This causes them to obsess about women and put women at the center of their life and to see women as the arbiter of how Masculine they are. She is seen as the one that can validate or invalidate him. But it also creates this repulsion too and a deep mistrust because he has pushed away his Feminine side and has lots of negative feelings towards his inner Feminine. And she sees her as a cold conniver that is deliberately denying him of his sense of worthiness. Most men are impacted with this shame about not matching up to the Masculine ideal to some degree or another. But the men who are the most resistant towards their Feminine side and who are the most pre-occupied with matching up to the Masculine ideal will tend to have the most intense shame and get sucked into Manosphere dynamics on the internet. And instead of men coming together to work through the shame problem as a group, the focus tends to be on things that will trigger, agitate, and sooth the shame wounds through collective sexual obsession over women coupled with misogynistic grousing about women. And it's like collectively using the image of women as a scapegoat in order to tongue the wounds of shame over and over.... then soothe them over and over. So, it becomes an addictive cycle that feels cathartic but that doesn't actually address the deeper shame wound. It's a bit like the scene in Midsommar where all the women in the village are coming together to scream and cry together and share in eachother's pain. But because people are not yet aware of this underlying male shame pattern around repression of their Feminine side, it is only looked at on the surface level. And people haven't realized that to cure the sickness we have to treat the germ and not the fever. And the germ is shame. Also, an important note is that a lot of guys who think they have problems meeting/dating/approaching women actually have problems with shame, and if the shame was resolved those issues with making connections with women would go away.

I used to have a lot of these fears when I was in my 20s. And it's hell to think about it this way because it genuinely can feel like you're going to age out of lovability. And it creates this pressure to get all the love you can while you're still in your youthful years. And my identity was so wrapped up in this, that it was difficult to untangle. I started worrying about aging when I was 16 years old... and the fears peaked in my late 20s. Now I'm 35, and my perspective has shifted so much that I'm genuinely out of the woods with it... which I never thought I would be. I feel above it in most ways. It's like being able to see that the emperor has no clothes in a way. I had similar feelings of anxiety as a kid. When I was like 8-10 years old, I used to worry that I wouldn't grow out of childish things like playing with toys. But once I got to be a tween/teenager, I wasn't even interested in toys anymore. There are a few things that helped shift my paradigm most of all. The first thing was to realize that I was projecting my dynamic with my mom onto men as a whole group. And one of my traumas was aging out of my connection with my mom... as we were very close until I was 8 and then the relationship became strained. And so, I transferred a lot of feelings about my mom onto boys and eventually onto men where I was trying to get the love where it felt impossible to get the love and that any love and admiration that I got from men would be lost with age. The second thing was to see the vulnerability in men as they age. Young men are often not as conscious of this as young women are. But men want to love and be loved too. And they are really capable of loving a woman, even if you seem to see evidence online that they're not on all these alpha male podcasts. And that love extends far beyond looks... even if they are consciously fixated upon more lustful things and looks. Eventually, (usually by the mid-30s to early 40s at the latest) men start wanting to settle down and create families. But they have to first get past the fantasies of being the playboy first, if they have those. Otherwise, they will feel they're missing out. And men who end up leaving their wife in search of a very young woman are often trying to live out a fantasy that they feel will make their life somehow more fulfilling... usually to find that it doesn't scratch the itch. The third thing was to find secure connections and be able to define my identity outside of being desirable to the male gaze. Honestly, the male gaze is not very meaningful if you know what really drives men to focus on women so much. So, a lot of the attention and adoration that women get from men comes from insecurity and wanting to be the masculine guy with the hot young women who are interested in him. So, it doesn't come from a very deep place when a man looks for a hot young woman. But men are capable of loving very deeply if they can get past this phase. Shame will tend to hang them up in this phase though... looking for the archetypal woman to validate him. But most of all, getting to know mature men as friends is helpful in dispelling feelings like men aren't capable of loving and being attracted to a woman beyond youthful appearance.

I have a framework for Shadow Work that has similarities to IFS work, though I'm not super familiar with all the ins and outs of IFS.

Women's collective wound is powerlessness.

This feels like a coping mechanism for feelings of disconnection and a sense of powerlessness to solve that disconnection.

I saw some statistics on this a year or two ago. The average age gap in the U.S. is 2 years where the man is 2 years older than the woman. In poorer countries, that age gap increases with the biggest average age gap being 6 years (if memory serves).

When I was 20, I experienced a huge shift where I suddenly got unattracted to men in their 20s and was only attracted to guys in their 30s up to early 40s. I can look back now, that this was a desire for what I perceived as a symbol of stability and maturity. And I was dealing with a lot of chaos and disconnection at the time. I really didn't have a support system. I would say beware someone in that 30-40 age range that would date a 20 year old as they are often lacking in maturity. And I would look to see if there are any reasons why these attractions might be arising as it may indicate things like feeling unsupported and/or a lack of a support system... and a desire to find a maternal figure to provide what is lacking. I understand however, that that heart wants what it wants. When I was 20, I was so deeply entrenched in these feelings about older men that I was literally incapable of being attracted to anyone under the age of 28. I would just say that it would be wise to seek to understand this on an emotional/psychological level and to be careful who you allow into your life as you would likely find immature women of that age who are looking for a totally different dynamic than what you're likely looking for.

I think I've heard Jordan Peterson talk about the "tame the animal" idea before. He talks about how a man shouldn't seek to be harmless... but dangerous and in control of his dangerousness. There are angles with which that is true, and I have worked with men who repress their more animalistic side and their aggression. I actually have a close friend of mine who grew up in a very patriarchal Mormon town. And he had lots of issues with his dad. So, he had/has this whole dynamic around wanting to avoid being "like the other guys" who he sees as too aggressive. I talk often with him (and mostly male) clients of mine about a dynamic that I refer to as the 'lion and lion-tamer' dynamic. And this has to do with integrating both aggressiveness and self-control. This is an issue that afflicts men who try to declaw themselves because of shame they have in their aggressive side as they don't want to be "like those other guys". But this lion/lion tamer dynamic is very subtle when it's done correctly. When a man integrates his lion, the spark of his instinctual aggressive vibes show through his otherwise warm-hearted and interesting personality like a glittering light. And it makes a man very magnetic. And that's part of what I find attractive about the men that I mentioned, because I can see the lion and lion tamer in them dancing together. Men who are too much lion tamer and no lion aren't interesting. But men who are too much lion are also not interesting. When those two elements are integrated, you get a brilliant and unique expression of the Masculine. And it's a personal tendency to be attracted more to men who are a bit more reserved with their lion as it creates mystery and intrigue where I feel like I can unveil the hidden lion in him. Kind of like the male equivalent of "lady in the streets and freak in the sheets." For example, young Mr. Rogers is on my list. And what I find appealing attraction-wise about him is that he was such a caring and warm-hearted person and he gave this speech back in the 70s or thereabouts that shows this very fatherly energy where he cares deeply about children's well being. And he doesn't wear his sexuality or aggression on his sleeve at all. He is so fundamentally wholesome and high vibrational. But I also know that he's still a human man with male instincts. And the thought of rousing the lion in that sort of a man (who has tamed his lion) is intriguing to me in ways a heterosexual male might not understand or appreciate. But some women may also have the opposite preference where she wants a guy who is a bit more ostentatious with his lion. That's also a preference that many women have. But there is no dichotomy here of "fake men" vs "real men". All men are real men. They are just different.

That's exactly true. The issue is really that the shame problem presents symptomatically as a problem meeting women/getting women to like them. Sometimes it presents itself as a need to improve one's self in other ways as well. So, because of this misdiagnosis, they try to solve the problem on the level of the symptom and not on the level of the root. The problem is that it's tricky because there are also practical reasons to want to improve one's self and get better with dating/sex/relationships, so it can be difficult to parse the distinction and notice the shame motivation that partially undergirds these motivations. And it's usually some mixture of practical motivations and motivations to get away from feelings of unworthiness that is instilled into boys/men by telling them that they are not enough as they are. So, it isn't as clear and obvious in more subtle cases with men who are less afflicted by the collective shame or who are able to cope with that collective shame in other ways. But we can look towards groups like Incels and other Manosphere groups to see more obvious expressions of coping mechanisms to that collective shame wound that generally impacts men as a whole group. The issue is that the expressions of these coping mechanisms sets off women's collective wounding around powerless. So, it's difficult for women to exercise compassion and to view these behaviors beyond a surface level.

And once those "real" men left, I'd be going to bed with that man that I'm actually attracted to and feel connected with. Women don't get attracted to men solely on the basis of who can whoop the most ass. That quality might be attractive to some women but not others. I am much more attracted to men who are creative, warm, intelligent, authentic, and who possess a high degree of sensitivity. This is what I need in a man to feel compatible and connected with him. And it's also what I tend to get inspired by in men even when I'm not attracted to them. I need a warm-spirited man and not a cold-spirited man to feel good in a relationship... which is why I listed the men that I did as they are all warm-spirited (except Bo Burnham who is kind of a mixture of warm and cold) So I'll leave the ruthlessness to some other woman who finds that sexy.

You're clearly not understanding my point of view and just want to be combative and nitpick everything to death. So, I'm not going to attempt to engage anymore.

You're doing that thing where you're arguing with me for argument sake again. This women being decisive/exercising agency topic is the discussion you were (and still are) trying to shoehorn in to the conversation I was having with someone else on a barely tangentially related topic. So, I haven't even attempted to engage/debate with you on this topic at all.... but you still say that I'm engaging with you incorrectly about it.

Do the men that I mentioned not come across as men who have tamed their inner animal to you? First off, all of the men that I mentioned are highly intelligent and highly competent in their respective fields and they have risen to the top in those fields. So, I don't understand why you think they wouldn't be able to handle things if things got difficult as they've already shown they're highly resourceful and ambitious people. But more importantly than that... I don't live in some lawless context where my best chance of survival as a woman is to be concubine #57 to some ruthless warlord with ASPD. I live in the 21st century with a whole civilization built up around me with police officers, fire fighters, military, etc. and all sorts of other workers that are specifically tasked with protection. And there's tons of infrastructure built for safety. So, it would be a very rare occasion that I would be facing directly with some kind of danger from outside the household. (Side Note: Violence towards women usually comes from inside the household from abusive partners) And it would be even rarer that my partner would be the one that needs to protect me. And because society has developed to the point it has, I can afford to seek safer and more fulfilling relationships with men who are less ruthless and who have a more human touch.

Thank you! Yes, I had mentioned pickup more as a community that has elements of shame but that it's more of a mixed bag because there is also a practical efficacy to it that has more to do with seeking experiences/relationships with women. So, pickup is more of a community that has some elements of that shame... because of some men who feel heavy amounts of shame engaging in it in an attempt to fix the shame by seeking female validation... and in some part because the majority of men tend to experience shame in a milder way. So shame will be an element in the pickup community, but it isn't the primary coalescing factor.

It feels like you're just trying to argue with me for argument sake. None of what you're talking about even remotely pertains to what I'm talking about. And I wasn't even talking to you in the first place. I was just talking to @Princess Arabia about how the narrative that another person on the thread (also not you) was spinning is something that misrepresents women and thus strips us (conceptually) of our own agency within the context of their narrative. So, they're not saying "Jeez! Women have no agency and are so indecisive. Why can't they ever just choose what to eat?" That's a totally different stereotype that's relatively harmless and has elements of truth to it. They're saying, "The innocence of women is under attack by pick-up artists and the divine feminine wants me to protect the purity of women." And this narrative paints women as ultra-pure and helpless and lacking our own agency. It views women as sexless victims of male sexual predation even in consensual sexual dynamics. And it projects so many false assumptions about female sexuality onto women that has historically led to some pretty awful stuff that there are still echoes of. And when these types of narratives are superimposed onto us, it's frustrating at best and powerless feeling at worst because a person who thinks that way will never be able to see or hear you as a real person. But you keep bringing up random dynamics about your girlfriend being indecisive and expecting you to pick the dining place. And it's so entirely shoehorned in and off topic. So it just feels like you're trying to argue with me for the sake of arguing. It sucks to be projected onto and misrepresented in ways that are infantilizing. And if you were a woman, you'd hate it too. Just let us talk about how we feel about this (unfortunately common) dynamic without trying to bust into the conversation and argue us out of and invalidate our feelings with whichever cudgel you think you have.

Healthy men are mostly attractive to women who are healthy themselves and who are fairly self-aware about what they want and need in a relationship. Otherwise, it is like casting pearls before swine. The unhealthy will prefer the unhealthy. The healthy will prefer the healthy. In actuality, most unhealthy attraction dynamics come from underlying trauma patterns that happen to magnetize people to one another. So, it doesn't even have to do with anything positive that makes someone attracted to someone. This can shed some light on your question of how some destructive men attract women. The key is that they attract women who are destructive themselves... or that have inverted or analogous issues with trauma or self-esteem. It's also important to keep in mind that there's also the factor that different women will find different guys attractive on that level. For example, I can recognize that Will Smith is attractive and that he has many admirable qualities. But he's not the type of guy that appeals to my sensibilities. But truthfully... the main thing that would be helpful for you to focus on is the shame itself. And the way to heal from shame is to practice unconditional self-acceptance and self-love. But this will be challenging until you you find 1+ people to connect with on a friendship level who accepts you for who you are since we are a social species. And we will only feel safe coming to accept ourselves if we have people we're socially connected to who accept and value us. And all you need is 1 person that accepts you to start embodying yourself more.

Along the same lines as the last post... When I was in elementary and middle school, I was very unpopular and I got made fun of really often. And for years, I would try to formulate plans to get popular so that I could be accepted and get out of being such a social pariah. And in middle school, I found a group of other outcasts to spend time with. And for about a year or so, we were collectively viewed as untouchables and highly unpopular. But during this time, many of us really started to lean into what made us outcasts and what made us different. And this became part of the basis for our positive identities. My friend Joe coined the term "nerd pride" and it really captured how I felt about it all. So, instead of thinking about what caused me to be rejected as an indicator of my undesirability... instead I turned the tables and began viewing myself as different in a good way and that my nature is actually more interesting and cooler than the "normal people". And this was a good first stepping stone into a positive self-concept. The main thing is to take what you like least about yourself and to learn to celebrate it as what makes you special. Then you can be the phoenix that rises from your own ash.

That's all just the shame talking. It's only your beliefs about yourself that stem from those feelings of shame that make you feel like you're meant to be alone and that no one would want you. The first step is to fall in love with who and what you are. Start to prefer your own qualities. And example of this would be like this... When I was a little girl, I wanted to be pretty. But most pretty women in the media at that time were blondes... usually with blue eyes. And all the songs that people would sing about beautiful women would usually have blonde or red hair and blue or green eyes... with the exception of "Brown-eyed Girl". So, I was always thinking I was boring looking and unattractive when I was a kid. Add on top of this that I'm very pale, and being tan was/is seen as more beautiful in the eyes of society. But as a teenager, I started leaning into my darker features and my pale skin. And it worked really well with the goth look that I was going for at the time. And I began to genuinely prefer looking the way that I do. This is what you would need to do with your looks and your personality traits. Come to prefer the way you are and celebrate the way you are.

They all have really interesting unique vibes about them. It's what self-actualization really looks like when someone individuates to the point where no one else on the planet is even remotely like them because they have embodied and developed themselves so deeply. It's why I usually find all the attempts to be more Masculine to backfire because the attempt to do that often subsumes what's really brilliant and attractive about a given man into a paint-by-numbers model of manhood.

This is exactly what's so attractive about men. It's the subtle unpretended Masculinity.

Are you talking about the guys that I mentioned in my post above?

I personally have plenty of agency and know very well what I want. And I surround myself only with men who respect my agency and take what I say seriously. I'm pretty picky about who I allow into my life... male and female. The dynamic that I'm talking about is a more collective dynamic when groups of men get together and collectively project stereotypes, caricatures, and misrepresentations onto women as a whole group that they believe in wholeheartedly. It's similar to how a person who's racist against black people might not be able to see the actual personality of any given black person as they see them more as a collection of racial caricatures and stereotypes. The main difference is that there's an inherent sexual agenda attached to it when certain men do that to women as a whole group. And then when a woman tries to communicate something that diverges from that projection to the men who do this, they won't listen or will simply believe that she's deluded or that she's trying to trick and mislead him. It makes it impossible to be heard and seen for what's true about you. And the more a man holds onto his ideas about women in general, the less he'll be able to hear you as a woman. This is where the powerless feeling comes from that I had mentioned in my post above.

The thing is, women don’t need your protection against this that or the other pickup artist. And I can see this dream/vision of being the protector of the divine Feminine leading into you superimposing a narrative onto reality where you can play this savior/hero figure to supposed damsels in distress. But reality doesn’t work that way. And women don’t need this. The problems that women are facing at the hands of men can only be fixed with true mutual understanding and empathy. And our core problem doesn’t stem from the fact that pickup artists are seeking sex from us. The core problem comes from misrepresentation and not being understood or listened to. And having men’s agendas and narratives bulldoze over our agency. Sometimes this dynamic is sexual and sometimes it’s non-sexual. But it’s always about having our agency swallowed up into men’s agendas, narratives, and misconceptions.