Emerald

First off, I already said this post isn't asking advice about how to get better with women. This is a post about the OP feeling a fear that he can't be loved by a woman because of misunderstandings about women's nature. But really it's about creating a narrative to tongue the wounds around deeper feelings of shame and unworthiness. And that deeper feeling of unworthiness expresses itself through a false male-created narrative about women that could be dispelled if he really understood how women actually feel about men... and not just the skewed narratives men weave about how women feel about men. And you keep trying to give generic attraction advice to men who are struggling with something deeper that is only tangentially related to the topic of becoming attractive to women. And you're also missing altogether the thing that I'm saying. I'm not saying that you're totally incorrect and that you have nothing valuable to say on the topic. And I'm not saying to throw out what works practically. I'm sure if we went down the list thing by thing, I'd find quite a lot that I'd agree with. But it's not about any one specific belief you're holding. It's about the fixation on a very specific male-created narrative that paints the picture of a false reality that feels very real and evident from men's perspective, but that doesn't actually exist in real life because you're not being holistic in your way of thinking about this topic. And a big part of that is that you neglect the social, emotional, and psychological realties and hyper-focus on biological realities, which creates a simpler paradigm of value with very little nuance. And you're very attached to looking at women and human relationships from one very specific reductive angle that presents a skewed vision of reality woven in with kernels of truth, and you hold onto it tightly like a security blanket because you've found something that feels like it works and gives you a sense that you can tie it up in a neat box. And you're very attached to your sense of certainty about this topic and lack intellectual curiosity about it. But you don't see the ways it's backfiring on you and holding you back at the same time to view women and relationships this way. And you don't recognize that you're missing a lot of wisdom on this topic, yet presenting yourself as an expert. And your results are not what most men want now or will want in the future. And when men believe they can't learning anything valuable about women from women, this causes a lot of problems for men as it creates ideological blocks to real intimacy and understanding.... which is the bedrock of a functional relationship.

There's nothing Leo is saying that's difficult to understand. It's just reductive and reinforces false narratives. It's ideology in disguise as reason.

Exactly. And as a word of warning to others about these hard-headed advice-giving guys and in general... don't take advice from anyone who doesn't already have the results that you want to achieve. Don't take advice about how to become a millionaire from someone who isn't already a millionaire. Don't take advice on how to fly a plane from someone who isn't already a pilot. And don't take advice about how to have a relationship with a woman from someone who doesn't already have the kind of relationship you want to have... or that you may one day want to have. You'll end up having to unlearn so many things, which is a lot more difficult once those ideas are already imbedded.

Cassandra here.... You may not recognize this, but I am SPECIFICALLY trying to serve the guy who's asking... and other men who are caught up in similar narratives by challenging the frameworks that men are taught and conditioned to hold about women by a myriad of sources. That's why I'm always getting onto you about this kind of thing. And this is where you seem to have the biggest blindspots and lack the most wisdom because of your paradigm lock in this area. You seem to be adamant about only looking from this one over-simplified angle, and you're very protective of this one angle. And what's most frustrating is that you're certain that this is the ONLY angle that men will benefit from, when it's pretty obvious that the exact opposite thing is true. And after 10 years of these kinds of narratives circulating and being followed like a religion and being used as a means to grift on vulnerable young men, you should realize by now that it's feeding into the same shame narratives and doing more harm than good. And in most areas, you're quite capable of being multi-perspectival. But you're very attached and refuse to question or expand your paradigm around this topic. And all you have is a hammer, and so everything starts looking like a nail. And I've witnessed you often offering the wrong medicine to these guys because you can't differentiate between the symptom and the germ. If you pay attention closer to the post by the OP, this core of this thread isn't really about attracting women at all. That's just a symptom of a deeper root cause. And even if he became Casanova who knows how to push all the right buttons for every woman on the planet, he's still going to be struggling with the same issue.... which is shame and the fear that he can never be loved as he is. And getting caught up in these over-simplified narratives and solutions that you're proposing only aggravates the wound. It's like offering Tylenol to help cure Malaria.

The issue is that you often get the dynamics incorrect and you spread misinformation without realizing that you're spreading misinformation... because you believe that women are just kidding themselves or that it would be 'too painful to face the truth.' And this causes you to block out real female perspectives in favor of something that's reductive but has the facade of being objective and scientific. But you're operating off of a paradigm that decenters human psychological, emotionally, and social dynamics and reduces it down to pure biology and survival (which often is bro-sciency and presumptive). And you may not realize that you're operating ideologically about female sexuality because it has a practical and scientific veneer to it. But if you're honest with yourself, you'll notice that you're holding onto your perspective defensively to maintain a certain worldview as it pertains to women, men, dating, and relationships. And it causes you to negate and block out a lot of wisdom in this area. And it also just feeds a lot of misinformation and false narratives about women that a lot of guys are already really caught up in and suffering because of. So, it's really doing the young men in your audience a disservice as your perspective won't lead them to functional relationships. I just wish you'd realize that this is a topic that you're not very well informed about and be little more humble and open to those who are more knowledgable about it.

Recognize that this is just what you fear to be true... but not what's actually true. These types of videos are specifically trying to farm engagement by telling men that their biggest fears about women are true. But if you look around you, you will see that it's not true at all. You just fear that it's true because it activates your pre-existing shame wounds. And you can't have a healthy functional relationship if you're operating in a toxic way. But if there's a woman with abandonment trauma, being cold and distant will trigger that trauma wound and she's start going into her own trauma cycle to try to keep you. But she'd only be projecting her relationship with her parents onto you. And you wouldn't want a relationship based off of that type of manipulation tactic in the first place. You shouldn't have to play games if the person is really a good fit for you. And in terms of biology, there are two different hormonal dynamics that are associated with the different phases of a relationship. In the first phase, it's all about those exciting crushy feelings which is facilitated by a mixture of norepinephrine, dopamine, phenylethylamine, oestrogen and testosterone. That's the first 3 months of the relationship, and it creates all these hot and spicy feelings. But this cocktail of emotions dies out in a few months, if it's a healthy relationship. If it's unhealthy, the excitement will stay because there's so much anxiety and uncertainty. But if it's a healthy relationship, that hormonal cycle will subside in a few months. And then, the hormone oxytocin will take its place, which is responsible for bonding. And it's very calm and cuddly feeling... and it's less exciting but even more addictive than the previous cocktail of emotions. And this facilitates the deeper bonding of a relationship. But the addictiveness can wear off if the relationship lacks intimacy and affection... which is what happens if partners behave in a cold way.

Haha. Definitely a canon experience. I remember once, during the summer between 5th and 6th grade, I was in this summer day camp. And we went to the roller skating rink once a week. And there were these three girls at the skating rink who were a little trio of popular girls. And they didn't go to elementary school with me, so I think they were trying to invite me into their popular girls clubs so that there could be four of them... to pretend to be like the squad of popular girls in this one teen movie... the name of the movie escapes me. (It's not Mean Girls. This was a 90s movie.) They had all these rules for hanging out with them like daily shaving and not eating in public. And a couple years later when I saw the movie, I was like "Oh!!! That's what they were imitating." But one thing these 11 year girls would do, was to always be conspicuously adjusting their bras and glancing back and forth at one another. And they'd be asking me if I had started my period and if I wore a bra (which I hadn't and didn't at the time) but lied about the period thing, which became a tangled web. I'm bad at lying. I was really intimidated by them. But looking back, they were just being a bunch of silly gooses, imitating that movie and trying to be grown up.

I know a lot of women have aversion and shame towards their period. And of course many experience a lot of pain and discomfort, which is a different topic. And that would make it very difficult to accept and find positivity in. I recall in elementary school that many girls dreaded getting it. And when we were learning about it, I remember one teacher framing it as as unpleasant and nasty feeling that you have to just get through and practice good hygiene with. But I was SUPER excited to get my period when I was a girl. I remember being in Girl Scouts when I was 9, and I had a Girl Scout manual that talked about a lot of life skills and stuff like that. And one of the pages was talking about the period in a really matter of fact medical way. And I'd hide in my closet like I was looking at a Playboy and read that page over and over and over again. And I was really excited to get my period because I knew it was associated with growing breasts. And I thought it would be like an instant thing... like the bleeding is the thing that's causing the breasts to develop. So, I was excited for that. Part of it was just that I wanted to look like a Spice Girl and wear all the cool outfits. The other part was that I really wanted to be attractive to boys. I was very romantically precocious and had crushes since I was 3 years old, but never had a boy reciprocate my feelings. (Side tangent: I remember being 5 years old and thinking that all of my peers were already dating and kissing but they didn't like me because I was ugly and had no breasts. And that no one would ever want to kiss me or marry me. So, if an old ugly bald mean man wanted to marry me at the age of 5, I'd have to say yes because that would be my only chance. And I'd see all these movies where men are approaching women and that the women are being sought after. And I was thinking, "This must be one of those make-believe movie things... because in real life, it's always the girls that like the boys and not the other way around.") But once I learned about the period, I saw it as a means through which I could possibly have my romantic feelings reciprocated because I'd have breasts and breasts are attractive. So, there was an association with the period and female sexuality and attractiveness... which was always of interest to me because of my romantic precociousness. Nowadays, it's just the status quo. And it doesn't hurt too bad for me. And it doesn't really mess with my mood. So, I don't really have an issue with it. I can tend to romanticize things that pertain to having a female body from a sexual and a nature-cycles perspective, including the period if I'm in the right headspace. But most of the time, I just relate to it like any other function of my body.

Haha. It could very well be that. But I think it's just the Wilkins genes in general that are strong. We're all a bunch of brown-haired, dimple-faced people with round eyes.

I skimmed through your message a couple hours ago and read the body of what your wrote as you sharing your perspective on relationships when you'd said I don't respond to your messages because you and the other guy was like "How is Emerald and Princess Arabia going to respond." So, I see in looking back you were driving it to a different point at the end. But I'm still not entirely sure that you aren't trying to make some of the points that you've labeled "relative reality." Is it your perspective that those things aren't true? Or is it your perspective that they are relatively true, but that they're not absolutely true? If it's the latter, you're going to be struggling with having functional interactions and relationships with your female peers.

I don't know what else to say, other than good luck finding a functional relationship with that paradigm.

I'm not specifically avoiding responding to you.

That's not my experience. I only shifted further left as I've had kids. And I've been working since a month after my 16th birthday.

I'm a big old lefty with two kids

I have two

I LITERALLY duplicated. My children are like two little clones of me. I tend to joke that I reproduced asexually like a sea sponge does.

What is it about your sister being bossy that bothers you? Is it because she's telling you what to do? If so, just communicate directly and tell her that you don't feel comfortable with her bossing you around and that she needs to stop it. But if she's just being her natural "alpha female" self, minding her business, and not bossing you around in particular, what about that bothers you? Do you feel like you need to be the leader to all women in your presence or it means you're not Masculine enough? That's what your post reads as. (Also, a lot of guys who unironically self-identify as alpha tend to have insecurities about their Masculinity... which tends to be the function of identifying with that kind of label in the first place. So, that also plays into what makes your post come off that way.) If it's the latter reason, then you need to do some soul searching and figure out why you're so attached to the idea of being an "alpha male"... and why your sister having a more "alpha" personality feels threatening to you... and why you feel like you're competing. And just let your sister be who she is. That's her personality, and that's not going to change just because you give her an intense look.

Those superior brains are certainly part of what helps us survive. But our superior brains amount to literally nothing if we don't have a group/community/society of people to cooperate with. Show me evidence of a time in history where there were individual human beings surviving alone in the wild with nothing more than their large brains. There may be an odd case here and there of a solitary survivor out in the wilderness... but the vast majority of humans would perish in the wild without the support of a community. I suspect you've had such a strong reaction to my posts (and even threw in some ad hominem attacks) because you like to conceptualize of yourself as an independent person. But there is no such thing as a truly independent person. It's not in our nature because we didn't evolve that way at any point in human history. Modern people often don't realize how much they rely on other people every single day. So, we can afford to entertain the illusion that we are independent and self-sufficient. But it's just that what was once a bunch of small cooperative hunter-gatherer groups has grown into a larger hyper-cooperative society. The number one survival value that people provide is community, as that enables us to cooperate and create complex civilizations. And it has always been how we get the majority of our physical and emotional needs met. And without society/community, human beings would have a very short life expectancy.

That's right. You do tend to focus on the "no-self" a lot. It could be a dream warning you of spiritually bypassing lived human experiences. This can happen if there's a valuation of the "no-self" perspective over the experience of being a human being. And it can be draining. I've fallen into that trap before in the past where I'd narrowed by experience of life because I was regarding it as merely an illusion to be transcended. And it's a common issue in spaces that prioritize transcendence and awakening over the Maya.

There's two angles that I could see the dream from... One is that the tube from the other dimension sucking the jello out of you, is a metaphor for some kind of spiritual healing and purging... and letting go of what no longer serves you. Or I could see the tube from the other dimension as being negative and vampiric... siphoning off your energy in some way. If the tube represents spirituality or intellect, it could be a sign that over-focusing towards the spiritual, abstract, or intellectual and being ungrounded from Earthly matters is depleting you of energy and making you feel ungrounded. The latter is something that can happen for people who tend to value the non-physical over the physical... and who become lofty and disconnected and neglect Earthly matters and grounding. Do either of these interpretations resonate with you?

My thought is that the first dream may be about imposter syndrome and self-doubt.

If a woman sleeps with a guy, it's common that that means that she already really likes him. And sex only strengthens the depth of those feelings because there's deeper bonding. But if there are no feelings there before sex, then sex won't change that.

It was just something that I'd always assumed to be the case. But I never really questioned the assumption. So, I tend to be pretty receptive to new information if I feel like I'm operating off of assumption and not really informed about a topic. But I'll argue people to death about things that I've thought about deeply and thoroughly... and if it's a hill that I'm willing to die on. It's just on this particular forum, I tend to engage mostly with posts that involve hills that I'm willing to die on. I come here mostly to spar because everyone here wants to spar on the same hills either on the same side or opposite.

There's definitely a lot of insecurity behind that kind of reaction. They try to diminish because they feel inferior to women they're attracted to. So, they try to make the woman feel inferior to lessen the sting of rejection. Like... "You're not rejecting me! I'm rejecting you!"

The lady with the 100 men a day is certainly anomalous but ultimately banal... as is all porn. So, I can understand people being disgusted by it in the same way that I might feel disgusted by people over-eating a bunch of food as a spectacle... but to me it's just "meh... bound to be someone out there that sleeps with 100 men a day. It's a little yucky to me, but to each his own.' It's no surprise that someone exists who is doing it, and I don't understand the reactions of sheer terror from a few people on here. But when it comes to run-of-the mill slut shaming there's usually some kind of bitterness and jealousy and projection behind it. Like I experienced the vast majority of the slut-shaming I ever experienced in my life prior to age 16 when I was still a virgin. I was just pretty popular in my social group and had a lot of guy friends and had a naturally bubbly personality back then. And there was TONS of projection, jealousy, and bitterness from male and female peers. And then, after about a year of middle school slut shaming I became a lot less bubbly and more reserved... and I would engage in slut shaming too towards other female peers because I'd internalized a lot of shame about my own sexuality and body that I was then projecting onto other girls. It took me until my mid 20s or so to really work through those issues. So yes... slut shaming is largely about projecting repressed sexuality onto others... and (deep down) feeling jealous towards people who are less impeded in their sexual expressions.