Emerald

I actually watched that one yesterday. I really think that Men's Lib and healing around these dynamics in this video is the next phase of collective healing relative to Masculine and Feminine dynamics.

If you think this is Disney stuff or Rom com stuff, you're fundamentally misunderstanding the dynamic that I'm talking about. And you have an idea in your mind that's totally different from what I'm talking about. The investment that I speak of is a very common dynamic that arises in couples when a man really wants to make things work with a woman for a serious longterm relationship... where he will put in consistent effort to make things work. And it's not something that is easily faked because it is consistent subtle action taken over the course of months. So, it's not lovebombing or overtly romantic or applying player-like tricks to get something from a woman... which is what I think that you think I'm talking about. It's just consistent effort being put in over time... like showing up, texting, calling, setting up dates, trying to contribute to the woman's life and wellbeing, etc. It's all very steady and doesn't require anything particularly extravagant. And the average man will naturally do this when he's seriously interested in a woman.

I think you're misunderstanding what I'm saying because there's nothing unrealistic or fantastical about this. Men naturally want to invest his efforts in a woman he wants something serious and longterm with. Men will want to help you, impress you, and add to your life as that is part of pursuit when a man is really interested in you as a person. I've been with low-investment guys and it creates lots of insecurities and questions... and you have to ask "Where do we stand?" often. And I've been with and I am currently with a guy who invests a lot in me. And there's a sense of security and ease because he shows me often that he values me and invests time, money, and energy into being with me and helping me and making my life better. So, I already have this. It's not unrealistic at all. You're imagining something fantastical and overly romantic when this is something that's very common in healthy man/woman relationships. And men who really want to be with you will put in lots of effort to make the relationship happen and to add to your life.

There can be times to communicate about that and check in to get on the same page. But it should be really clear from his actions whether he's investing or not. It's really evident whether the effort is there or isn't. And if you feel like unsure or like you need to ask often, it's already a bad sign because your uncertainty is likely coming from an intuition that he's not truly invested.

How do you mean?

After a few months, if you're unclear about his intentions, you should ask him something like "Where do you see this going?" Number one, if you have to ask... it's already iffy because you're probably asking because he's not investing as much as you'd like him to. But if he answers anything lukewarm or wishy washy, you should break it off and find someone else.

As someone who used to operate fully off of "only the feelings matter" assumption, I can say that it comes from putting too much meaning into feelings of chemistry because of how profound they feel and how much it opens you up to passion, creativity, and feelings of aliveness. Like it is incredibly exhilarating, heart opening, and expansive to awaken the Masculine lover... and it can be very inspiring and softening. It's actually great to channel the Masculine Lover into creativity because you have a muse to worship. This defaulting to Masculine Lover mode was largely the case in the past because I was previously pretty monogamous with my feelings of chemistry in the past where I would hyper-focus on one off-limits guy that I would have feelings for longterm. And there would be so much meaning attached to it and so much inspiration to impress him and woo him. Nowadays I recognize that I have chemistry with many men and that those feelings of chemistry don't mean very much. But when I was super monogamous with my attractions because of societal conditioning and slut-shaming... and an attachment to monogamous romanticization, all of that intensity of Masculine Lover mode was getting laser-focused towards just one man at a time. So, it was hyper-concentrated and potent in one direction... and really opened up deeper expressions of devotion, appreciation, and gratitude towards life, as that is what awakening the Masculine Lover does. But although these feelings are great for creative inspiration and making love to life itself... I don't recommend choosing a partner based off of these feelings as you are only falling in love with your own Masculine side you see projected upon the object of your affections, and not the man in front of you. So, a lot of this crushy longing for a given man is actually a call towards deeper Masculine integration within yourself... and not an indication that this is the man that you're meant to be with. And it misattributes the awakening of the Lover within to the person who simply triggered the Lover within. To shift into the Feminine, it's important to realize that the joie de vivre you feel when those crushy feelings awaken towards the image of a man is your own Masculine joie de vivre and doesn't have to do with him. Then, you can integrate the Masculine and rest in your Feminine because you realize that your inner lover only loves you... because you are your own Beloved to your Inner Masculine side. And once you integrate the Masculine instead of seeking it in the other, you're able to bring discernment into your romantic choices and to be in the Feminine role that feels good to you in a relationship.

That's exactly what I mean. A man falls in love when he invests and helps. So, if the woman is putting in all the effort to contact the guy and set up dates and trying to woo him by giving him sex, cooking for him, cleaning for him, etc... then she is in Masculine mode. And that will repel a guy because it gives him no space to pursue and invest. That's why it's a bad sign if you feel those really crushy feelings towards a guy... because that's what it feels like when the Masculine lover awakes in you. And it's so hard not to over-give and chase from that emotional frame. So, it's important that the guy invest more during the courtship phase.... and to continue giving him space to help and give and invest during the relationship as well. Men fall in love when they put in more effort to woo you and win you over.

These expectations are actually really realistic for finding a regular guy who is compatible with you and who is looking for the type of relationship you want to have. And they work best if you have realistic expectations for your male partner and your relationship more generally. And there is nothing romanticized or "pie in the sky" about this... as guys from chick flicks don't exist. And even if they did, I would personally sort them from consideration because that's not appealing to me and not what I'm looking for in a partner. I would not be happy longterm with Mr. Perfect... nor would most women. And that's true even for women who enjoy chick flicks or who believe they would like such a guy. But the entire point of this advice is to eliminate 99% of options that don't work for you so that you find a good match who is willing to invest in you longterm. It's repelling and sorting 99% of the options you have so that you can find the 1% within those options that will fit in your life. It's like getting a whole bunch of applications and using a process of elimination to find the best candidate for you. Like if you know of 20 guys that you consider to have romantic partner potentials who you have chemistry with... you want to pick the 1 out of those 20 who fits best with the kind of life and relationship dynamic you would feel content with longterm by considering factors like compatibility, fatherhood potential, lifestyle, longterm happiness potential, and lack of dealbreakers.

You're welcome!

When a man is serious about a woman, he will invest in the courtship process and want to lock the woman down. It will be a high priority for him to do the legwork necessary to orchestrate things. And if a man is serious about marriage in general, he's going to be very specific about who he chooses for that... and he will invest in that woman he can see himself spending the rest of his life with. But if a man who's interested in marriage doesn't see the woman he's dating as his Beloved, he will just move on to find his Beloved. So, it isn't about players versus marriage guys (though it's important to sort out players too). It's about sorting out guys that are attracted to you enough to sleep with you and get into a situationship with you... but who will never truly awaken his lover for you and invest in or see you as his Beloved. The problem that women run into is that they get attached to low investment situationship guys from a misconception of thinking "I will win him over" or "He will grow to reciprocate my feelings in time". And then they try to woo him and nag him to get him to invest in her. But men know very quickly whether a woman is someone they really want to pursue something serious with or whether she is just an attractive girl that he'd like to spend some time with and have sex with. And if you're in the latter category, you'd be wise to recognize it as quickly and possible and break things off. And the first tell you can pick up on is by asking yourself the question, "How much effort is he putting in to connect with me relative to how much effort I'm putting in to connect with him?" And if he isn't putting in at least 51% of that effort... it's a sign that he's not very serious about you. Here are some funny skits that lampoon this very common dynamic that women can end up in with low-investment partners who feel lukewarm about them...

You're welcome!

Thank you!

What I was talking about is the competition that many men feel with the Masculinity of the societal structure itself... and the desire to erode social orders and tear down societal progress in order to re-establish a more rudimentary society that has less Masculine development and therefore more of a need for men to feel burdened to match up to Godlike roles because of the romanticization of those roles. So, there is an unconscious jealousy many men feel towards Masculine systems (like governments and institutions) and a tendency to want to erode away the Masculine progress we've collectively made over the past several thousand years. But I did not say that Masculinity is about men investing in women and being a paternal provider. Masculinity is far beyond its function within man/woman relationships... as is Femininity. Masculinity is systems, algorithms, technology, forward movement, expansion, growth, intellect, abstraction, geometry, initiation, etc. My advice in the other thread is specifically geared towards help women secure a good partner. So, I recommended asking the questions "Would I be able to be happy with him longterm?" and "Would he make a good father?" But that doesn't necessarily mean that he has to specifically want to be a father... nor does it mean that the woman necessarily wants to be a mother. It's just a really important question to ask if you're going to consider inviting a man into your life. But most women do tend to prefer their male partners to take the lead in some ways. But the expectation is typically subtle and reasonable, as most women also want a partner who is her equal. She may want a guy who's a little taller than her, a little stronger than her, a little older than her, and who makes a little bit more money than her. But unless she comes from a poor background, most women do not desire a super intense imbalance... just a more subtle deferential. So, women generally do not have Godlike expectations of men. Most women's expectations are pretty realistic. But there are tons of arbitrary Masculine expectations that tend to be enforced in popular culture and more juvenile Masculine circles where it's like "NEVER SHOW A WEAKNESS EVER OR YOU'RE A WORTHLESS PUSSY BITCH THAT WOMEN WILL NEVER FUCK!" And that is an intonation of the type of thing that used to be adaptive where men would police the Feminine out of men... but is now arbitrary and maladaptive. It's just needless stress and shame towards basic human vulnerability.

There are entire online movements of men who do operate off of those thought patterns. So, it's observable... just look at the dating/relationships section on here. And most men have some degree of that pattern of thinking around Masculine and Feminine dynamics.

It's always frustrating because men who are invested in developing their Masculinity tend to not have the motivation to explore this topic adequately. They stop exploring and seeking truth once they feel empowered by the answers that they land on. Like "Okay man dominant, female submissive. Sounds good and sexy. Case closed." And because women feel very uncomfortable with asking these questions because you have to surrender to deep levels of disempowerment and feel into very painful collective wounds first before landing on deeper truths that are truly empowering in a Feminine way, women tend to avoid questioning more deeply into why things have historically favored men and why there is a deeper sexual driver towards submission. These are difficult questions to ask in the first place if you're a woman because they are at your own expense... and there can be an absolute terror of running into some realization of your own inferiority, unworthiness, and that you may be designed to be oppressed, disempowered, raped, and violated... and that you deserve to have your sovereignty stripped for you. Or even that, if you have personal sovereignty and subjecthood as a woman that there's something wrong with you. And given that society is built on the foundation of women's oppression and could not even NOT be that until recent history, these are really difficult, painful dynamics to even open up to exploring. And it also isn't helpful that there are tons of men who don't know about these dynamics and aren't interested in them beyond how they serve them are like "Remember... man dominant, female submissive. And I know better than you about you. And if you challenge me on it, you're just Masculine and unattractive." So, women get extra disgusted and resistant to even explore deeper... and instead seek refuge in their own Masculine side where they feel safer. And they will deny the difference because they know the man when he says "women need to be more Feminine", really means "Get back in the tiny box I created for you in my mind because I am not interested in learning about the Feminine beyond what I perceive serves me and my interests." So, it creates a Dunning-Kruger dynamic where many men believe that they understand this topic fully when they themselves are just scratching the surface... while being unaware of how little they know and uninterested in exploring deeper because their understanding is already empowering and helpful to them in certain ways. And they do recognize that they can face certain truths about male/female dynamics better than most women because there is no apparent self-disempowerment that comes about from considering these more surface level truths. And men who feel empowered by these answers and stay stuck in the Tepid Place, usually interpret what was happening in the patriarchal past as natural and as what is happening in the contemporary world as unnatural and pure post-modernist, Feminist conditioning and a deviation from the natural order of male superiority and dominance and where women are solely wives and mothers. And there is a dangerous societal pattern of those who polarize into the Masculine unconsciously trying to break down and erode the system and the fabric of the societal Masculine container that it sees as competition. And it want to erode the Masculine system to regress us back to harsher times where everyone was less safe and less powerful. But their relative power within community was greater compared to women... so they feel willing to take a hit to their own power as long as they get to be superior... the tallest kid in kindergarten. And all of this, without true willingness or awareness of what it means to take on the responsibility of living in harsh times. It is the man who wants to be the super-hero and save the woman. And so, he ties her to the railroad tracks to stage an incident where he can save her. And a desire to do that for all of human history without progressing beyond this orchestrated scene. So yes. It's very frustrating when men believe that they know more on this topic. I feel like an algebra teacher arguing with a 1st grader who insists, "That's silly! Math is about numbers. Letters don't belong in math!"

Sure, men who are looking for sex try to impress women if that's what you mean. Men will do a lot of low-investment tricks to get sex until he gets the sex. Then, once he's got sex he'll either leave (which is ideal) or he'll hang around and put in as little effort as possible to secure continued access to easy sex and low-investment companionship. But the man will invest a lot of genuine effort to win over a woman he truly sees as his Beloved. He will do most of the legwork to orchestrate things at the outset of the relationship because he will want to lock you down. So, it's important that women avoid over-giving in hopes that it will turn reciprocal... or trying to hint to or nag a guy to invest. There is a phrase that's common in female dating advice channels and the is "If he wanted to, he would." And that's 100% true. Men who are serious about you will go through hill and high water to try to make it work. Men who are just looking for sex and low-investment female companionship will just hang around and waste your time.

He will know right away who he does and doesn't want for a longterm serious relationship. Marriage is a more serious consideration down the line... but he automatically knows who he will never want to marry. And he will not seriously invest in a woman who he doesn't consider to be longterm relationship material. But he will stick around for low investment female companionship and sex... and as a salve for loneliness if he's sexually attracted to the woman. This can be a comfort zone that men can get into because finding female companionship and sex can be difficult for men. So, it's really common that men will waste a woman's time because he feels lukewarm about her... like a platonic friend he has sex with sometimes. So women have to get really good at sorting these men from consideration to make room for a man who's going to really invest and who is crazy about her. And a man knows right away who he wants to woo... and who he only sees as a source of convenient female companionship and sex. And there is no persuading him otherwise. So, it's important that women resist the temptation to try... as this just puts them in Masculine Lover mode and chasing a guy who will NEVER invest in her.

Yeah, the dynamic of pick-up is really about men learning how to go into Feminine beloved mode so that he awakens the Masculine lover mode in the women. And then if a man does it well, the women will start chasing. And this is good for a guy who purely wants sex as you can get a lot of sex by operating from the Feminine mode. But it's unlikely to lead to many longterm serious relationships as the men won't awaken their Lover towards women who are in Masculine Lover mode and chasing him. But it will secure him low investment sex and take the edge off of the feeling of scarcity... whilst feeling more in control. And men can hang around in that comfort-zone forever! That's true even if they do genuinely want a longterm relationship. Awakening the lover is scary for men... as it leaves him feeling vulnerable and somewhat out of control. So, it's much harder to do... especially when you know you can go into Beloved mode and have a bunch of women on rotation who all adore you and worship you but that you feel nothing special for. So, I see it as a recipe for longterm male loneliness with sporadic hook-ups here and there.

To explain, one thing must be understood. The Masculine is spiritual and the Feminine is material. So, in this regard... every single human being and creature that crawls this Earth is Feminine. (Hence the etymological similarities in the word matter, mother, material, matrix, maternal, etc.) The collective Masculine wound is being a Feminine material being made of flesh and blood and bone... with the unrealistic expectation of being purely Masculine and God-like. And in a world that abhors the Feminine and abides in ideologies of mind over matter, this burdens boys and men with an impossible task of being God-like as a mortal man. And when they don't reach that impossible bar (as no mortal man can be God) they feel ashamed and weak... and overwhelmed. And this causes them to hate the Feminine in themselves and in others... and to try to carve their Feminine side away from themselves and go into denial about their own Feminine material corporeal nature.... and the finiteness and limitations of their own existence. Even most popular world religions are based on this desire to get away from and transcend Feminine physicality. This wound comes from early adaptations to yet under-developed societal structures where the only thing that separated the human tribes and communities from the powerful all-consuming forces of Mother Nature were stone tools, animal skins, and men who had to try to be God-like dealing with really extreme survival conditions. And the forces of Mother Nature are Feminine... while all the technology and societal infrastructure that we develop to keep Mother Nature from devouring us is Masculine. And up until the Industrial Revolution, the story of humanity has been about polarizing into the Masculine and repressing the Feminine as much as possible to keep Mother Nature from devouring us. So, when the Masculine is under-developed in a society and the tech is rudimentary... this puts a LOT of pressure on the men to polarize into the Masculine as much as they can and to police, cut away, and suppress the Feminine in themselves and others... and to act as the firewall that keeps Mother Nature from devouring. And failing at this task means that your more vulnerable loved ones suffer and die. So, this is a huge responsibility! And huge responsibilities come with lots of power and respect within the community. While women get far less power because they are a direct reflection of Mother Nature which is what pre-industrial society is fighting against... so in this adaptation women's potentials and power are rendered inert and impotent as the 90% of the full scope of the Feminine needed to be eradicated from society to keep nature out... and only motherhood left as the essential element. And their personhood is seen as lesser because the core survival task of under-developed societies is keeping the Feminine out of society to avoid being devoured by Mother Nature. So, women's sovereignty was stripped from them and governed by the men they were the possessions of (first father and then husband). This is the core wound of the Feminine.... the squelching of personal power and sovereignty. And that whole expectation of God-like men and sovereignty-less women was highly adaptive in under-developed societies and communities where the Masculine infrastructure hasn't developed to the levels of tech that we had around the industrial revolution. But that adaptation grows more and more obsolete over the past 100+ years as the Masculine elements of our societal infrastructure and technology come to its apex... and even become excessive. This is the first time in human history that we are dealing with Masculine imbalance as it takes a long time for human Masculine technology to develop to a point where it's a threat to the powerful forces of Mother Nature. Up until the past couple hundred years, the main survival concern has been "The Feminine will devour us." And now the concern is "The Masculine will burn us out." But men have historically enjoyed extra power from being burdened by these God-like levels of responsibility for fighting the battle of man against nature. So, even though contemporary men are in a great position that the men of the past would be so grateful to be in... many contemporary men still want the added power and respect afforded to men in under-developed societies with low levels of Masculine infrastructure. So, they continue to burden themselves with Godlike expectations... but for arbitrary reasons that confer little to no societal benefit. This is why many men love ideas of rejecting progression and modernity. But despite this attachment to the wound, contemporary men are in a great position to collectively heal that Masculine wound of Feminine repression and being forced into a low power/high responsibility impossible Godlike expectation because they are no longer burdened by such tasks given the development of our societal infrastructure. So, healing comes from men integrating their Feminine (and society integrating the Feminine as a result). But many men continue to hold onto this unrealistic expectation of Godlikeness for arbitrary reasons and they pressure other men to do the same... which prolongs the healing of that wound. And it prolongs the healing of the Feminine wound as well, because the Masculine wound is about suppression of and hatred of the Feminine. So, men who hold onto the wound as a source of power prolong the healing for both men and women and keep us from moving forward towards more adaptive, integrated, and developed expressions of Masculinity and Femininity. TLDR: The wound of the Masculine is shame in being a Feminine material being that arises from a societal expectation for men to be God-like as a mortal... which was once adaptive but now is not. And the wound of the Feminine is in the squelching of Feminine power and sovereignty that arises from this Masculine wound. So, the collective Masculine wound is shame, and the collective Feminine wound is powerlessness.

The chemistry has to be there for both partners. But he should be investing more effort during the courtship process. And the reason he invests more effort is because he feels strongly about the woman. And for men it is almost immediately that they know who they want as a serious longterm partner and who they don't. And there is no way to change that or persuade that as a woman. So, you must avoid low-investment guys... because they will never come to truly love or value you. If it isn't there at the beginning, it will never be there. But the woman should avoid jumping in feet first at the first sign of chemistry.... which many women have the tendency to do because those feelings are exciting. But this can land them with a low-investment man... or a man that isn't compatible or has deal breakers. The woman should have tuned into her boundaries and standards and developed her sensitivity to the point where she doesn't put too much stock in the initial chemistry as there are other dimensions of consideration... like vetting and intuiting for compatibility, longterm happiness, good father potential, and lack of dealbreakers. When a woman goes purely off of chemistry, she just goes "He makes me feel so good and that means something profound! We're meant to be together! I want to be with him for the rest of my life!" And she does so without considering if the relationship is really going to work out long term... or even if he has the capacity to ever reciprocate those feelings. And when a man is really emotionally invested in a woman and the woman is really tuned into WHAT she wants in a relationship more generally, the lover and beloved dynamic can play out... where the man invests in the woman and sees her as his beloved, and she is gradually "won over" as she vets and intuits how well he will fit into her future.

I just don't think that's realistically what happens in these dynamics. Number one, a promiscuous woman need not rush and settle down with some guy she perceives as low status. But beyond that, it's typically just that the younger a women is the less selective she will be, simply because it takes a while to gain enough experience to develop discernment. And young people are often geared towards fun and excitement and partying. So, it's common that women will have a phase of having hook-ups and relationships with guys that are cool from a teenager's perspective but lame from an adult's perspective. And as these young women mature and develop discernment, (the majority of the time) they will come to organically prefer and be more attracted to the guys who are not like the "cool" guy.

Definitely

As someone who has struggled with body-image issues since I was 3 (though it's been better in the past few years since a particularly transformative Ayahuasca experience)... it can be really difficult to let someone see your body when this shame and fear of rejection is there. And it really sucks when someone makes you feel insecure... but it's honestly just a reflection of their own insecurity. It happened less so in adulthood to me because I learned to screen out immature people like my life depended on it.... because it truly does. But it's was so common to have my appearance scrutinized back when I was under the age of 20... and I was especially susceptible to it when I was under the age of 15 because I only learned how to start setting boundaries and respecting myself around that time. So, my lack of self-protection, my short stature, my shame, and my social nervousness left me as a vulnerable target. Plus, this was also the early 2000s... so pop culture narratives were a lot more geared towards heavy scrutiny of women's appearances. Even perfect-looking Hollywood women were called fat and ugly in popular songs, shows, movies, etc. So, it was really normalized for random people to hate on your appearance if you're female... guys and girls alike. Funnily enough, when I went from dressing like a frumpy nerd girl to dressing like a pretty girl when I was around 14 and I started to develop a feminine figure and maidenly looks... I got even more scrutiny towards my looks, when I thought that being more attractive would be the solution to the problem. And since I had already had body-image issues since before I started school, this whole thing just added fuel to the fire of those insecurities. And because of these issues that have been with me since age 3, it's always been a bit difficult for me to show my body to a new partner that first time.

That's a very broad topic that requires a deep personal exploration to understand. If I describe it in a nutshell, it's what's being alluded to in the symbolism of Shiva and Shakti... a union between the Masculine and Feminine both within each partner and between each partner. And from this place, the integration of these energies within one's self awakens one's power and one's gifts. And within a partnership, it enables a deeper bonding and relationship between partners. But it's easier for me to describe the Tepid Place to you. I imagine it like a musty stuffy dimly lit red cave that people get chained up inside of and addicted to because it gives little breadcrumbs of those deeper Shiva Shakti dynamics but on a lower and denigrated level. You can feel the Tepid Place in most pornography. And many men operate off of frameworks influenced by the psycho-sexual dynamics of the Tepid Place, while women tend to resist even going there outside of sexual encounters (which are also coming from the Tepid Place as it takes quite a lot to go deeper). The reason why I call it the Tepid Place is because it has a lukewarm lesser analog of these deeper Masculine and Feminine dynamics, where instead of the dance between Shiva and Shakti... the Masculine dominates the Feminine from a place of resistance to the power of the Feminine within himself and within women. And everything is reduced to pure physicality without any regard or appreciation to the spiritual dimensions of sex. And it's laced with lots of shame and is profane rather than sacred. And within the Tepid place it's all about male pleasure and men are the subject, while women are the object. And the Feminine is stripped of the full breadth, depth, and darkness of real Femininity and is limited to an impotent inferior position of forced submission and is seen as something that must be governed and controlled by the Masculine, while the Masculine lords over it from a place of insecurity and fear of the Feminine without awakening the Lover archetype or any kind of deeper appreciations or desires to explore the Feminine. And most men who care about being Masculine and who want to be more Masculine have some insights about Masculine/Feminine dynamics and those insights feel empowering... so they remain in the Tepid place because it becomes a comfort zone. And that's because, in the Tepid place, the power deferential always favors the Masculine. But the wisps of the deeper psycho-sexual and psycho-spiritual buttons are still there... which is what makes that place attractive and even addictive. And going there as a woman gives wisps of those deeper dynamics too... but at a cost to personal power and safety. So, going deeper with this topic and embracing yet transcending the Tepid Place is really imperative for women to do in order to descend to the deeper layers. Resistance to the Tepid Place keeps you stuck there. And that's why it's important to let yourself sink into it without resistance by asking yourself really difficult questions like "Am I inferior?" or "Is it the natural order that men lord their power over me?" It's only through asking difficult questions that you can descend past that level and into the deeper dynamics.