Emerald

It's sort of like lifting weights. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

You're welcome and thank you!

You may be trying to change too much at once. Start with one small change, then stick with in for a month to set the habit. Then make another small change. Over the course of 12 months, that's 12 habit changes. This effect will really begin to snowball. But don't pick more than one at a time. It will just feed into your paralysis.

I like this. Thank you. Good night.

Actually, in the first two to three years after my experiences (which I didn't know anything about enlightenment at the time), I just tried to do everything to undermine my positive self image and to nullify my identity. Sort of like repressing the ego. The experiences were so liberating that I was willing to undermine all the progress I had made toward growing my identity. If I had painted my ego as a masterpiece, what I did was the equivalent of scribbling over the painting with a permanent marker. Trying to embarrass myself, have no boundaries, not care about my reputation or well-being, cut myself off from everyone, etc. Then, after about three years of floating in the ether, I found Jungian psychology and learned all about individuation vs. the Self, and how individuation is most natural for human beings but that it is also the thing that makes us dis-unified from the Self. I read a lot on the subject and finally felt like I understood something about what had happened to me. But eventually this reached a meteora where I could grow no further on that path, as it was all intellectual. It wasn't until I found Leo's videos that I learned about enlightenment and made the connection between my experiences of not caring about identity and enlightenment. Also, it was emboldening to me to begin pursuing personal growth again and feel that it doesn't hinder progress toward enlightenment. This may not be the case. It absolutely could be a barrier for all I know. But I know that life has been lighter since. I don't have as much resistance to my natural drives. But I'm watching them and hoping that I happen to "hit the right buttons" to become liberated permanently. Until then, it's self-hatred and struggling and suffering every day. But at least it's better than hating self-hatred, struggling against struggling, and suffering through resisting suffering.

I love Maslow's Hierarchy but there are some ways that I agree with what you say. I was big into maximizing my life when I was 20, with a focus on growing myself, getting the best grades, being the most creative, and pursuing a goal of becoming a famous artist one day. I was sculpting a masterpiece ego. Then, I had a couple of experiences where I didn't see through the illusion of ego per say, but I just didn't care about it at all. I was under the influence of an entheogen and I had no fear and felt I had nothing to lose. So, I was able to let go of ego for a bit which opened me up to so much more truth that I was previously insulated from. So, I had a high degree of freedom from ego for those experiences. I immediately noticed that my "maximize life" and achievement-based lifestyle was deeply rooted in self-hatred, and that I was trying to improve myself to avoid death. So, I think many people who pursue self-actualization have this same self-hatred deep down (you'll find some degree of it in most people pursuing growth, including myself), and that self development acts like a bandaid to distract from the perceived annihilation of death. But I'm embracing self-actualization now thanks to Leo, after years of denying myself the natural impetus toward personal growth and living in a personal hell, half in and half out of life. So, I think it's possible that self-actualization could be part of the process. Doing the personal growth work until it gives way to dissatisfaction and the self-hatred becomes clear. To do what feels most natural but to watch with unbiased awareness. What are your thoughts?

You're welcome!

I'm glad this was helpful. For me, this is a trap I've fallen into many times after my glimpses of enlightenment. I have a video about the differences between ego repression and ego transcendence. I'll PM it to you. Best of luck on your journey.

This was a mistake that I made after I had my experiences. I was trying to replicate them, and the only thing I'd ever experienced in life that was similar to those experiences was childhood. So, I tried to make myself act like a child would in as many ways as I could get away with. Needless to say, it didn't work and I just ended up seeming weird and doing foolish things.

If you've watched Leo's video about self-lies and wondered what a self-lie looks like, this is it. Deep down, you know this isn't really true. Look closer at your emotions and motivations here to drive your awareness deeper. Don't be afraid to see yourself as being in some negative way, and you will see how you're lying. It's fascinating.

That makes sense. Sort of like time gives the illusion of change and movement and patterns. But time is a human construct and not real in and of itself. So cycles also are constructs of the mind that puts patterns on top of things for understanding in the same way. I hadn't thought of it this way before. Thank you.

@Ayla I was just thinking. Could it be said that smaller scale cycles are also astrology? So, astrology being the study of cycles instead of the study of the cycles out in space? So, the growing of a plant, ants building an anthill, the patterns in traffic, and the movement of the planets in the solar system are all part of astrology. It was just a thought that I had after reading your last post above.

So, if you're familiar with my backstory and my "enlightenment" experiences that came on as a result of experimentation with Ayahuasca years ago, you'll know that this is really what opened my mind to spiritual seeking in the first place. But I have always been under the shadow of these experiences because I had access to such wisdom then, and I have in the past seven years been trying to replicate or get back to that state of being somehow or another. Since finding Leo's videos a year and a half ago, I've made a ton more progress than I'd made in all the years prior. But there's always this comparison thinking going on with my present experience of reality and my past "enlightened" experience of reality, where I'm asking myself "Am I there yet? No." "How about now? No." I"m always measuring my present experiences up against those past experiences. There is a deep certainly that I've been carrying around about my understandings of enlightenment that I know isn't the right mindset to be holding to be truly open, because beliefs block me from open-ness. But I haven't been able to shake this deep feeling of certainty that my memories of the experiences I had will somehow hold the key to waking up. But slowly, I'm getting more and more confused and life is getting a bit directionless and pointless feeling. This feels really negative and uncomfortable, but I suspect that this may be a necessary step to get to the point where I truly feel like I know absolutely nothing and can let go of all expectation. Anyone else here having similar experiences?

I want to live my life under that paradigm, and I can't achieve that with psychedelics. I want to know what it is to be sober and live day by day from the vantage point of non-duality. To feel permanent relief from delusion. But I can't say that I haven't been tempted. But one of the insights that I had during my first experience was that I didn't need the substance to access that state of being. But that life had always been that way, I just was blind to it. But also, being a parent as well as a high school teacher (although I'm staying at home with my kids now and changing careers), I also don't want to risk being arrested or harming myself with the psychedelic, even if this is a small chance. So, I'm a bit less willing to take these types of risks than I was when I was 20.

You're welcome. My advice is to look into building Keystone habits first. So, meditation, nutrition, exercise, and sleep schedules are pretty fundamental. These will all have a ripple effect through other parts of your life. So, begin with these first. Take a month or two to make a habit of each one and only focus on that one for that entire month or two. If you try to do two or three at once, you'll probably fail and get discouraged. Habits are best implemented one at a time and very slowly. But you want to basically rewire your very resistant subconscious to get used to doing these things every day. It takes about 66 days to rewire the subconscious to develop a habit of something. So, a month or two will give you enough time to focus on creating a familiar groove, that your actions will fall into. Once you're used to it, the habit will come automatically.

Well, don't look to yourself as an idol because this will just feed the ego. But I think there's valuable information to be gleaned from this insight. Because you are reality itself and not your self-concept, understand that all the wisdom you'll ever need is already there for you internally. External insights shared are knowledge, internal insights experienced are wisdom. So, consult none other than your internal experience and take no guru/teacher/person/book as knowing more than you do about reality. It's all already there, you already have it, you just have to realize you have it.

As long as you enjoy these health ventures, it's good and even beneficial. Just from the tone in your previous post, it had the energy of "I must avoid death" instead of the "I'm inspired to create a healthy life" feeling. I apologize for my misread.

I think this is the most important telling part of what you wrote. I mean this with no judgement because I've been there too many times, but you seem to be panicked about dying. Sure, maybe human beings can live to be 120, but why is living until 120 better than living to 80 or 90 which is about the average life expectancy? Is it just to have more time because you don't want to let go of life? This will make life very painful and stressful because you haven't made peace with the grim reaper yet. Attachment causes suffering. What is death anyway, but the loss of the present moment? And if you notice, the present moment is lost in every passing moment, so it's nothing that you haven't experienced yet. Human beings die thousands of deaths in their lifetime. So, I wouldn't waste any thoughts or emotions on wondering what's good or bad for you. You can never really know beyond faith in science and first-hand experimentation (but that's even a guess), so it isn't something that you have a lot of control over. Just do your best and avoid being hit by a bus, and you'll probably be alright. Let go of what you can't control.

Bare in mind, all people are susceptible to blind-sightedness. In order to function, we must all rely heavily on faith in second-hand sources. So, people might believe or disbelieve anything based upon which second-hand sources they choose to believe. So, whether they decide that the article you mention is true or false, or even whether you decide the article is true or false, it is still a practice of faith. But what's actually true is that no one knows. If people are honest enough to admit this, it would open up many possibilities. But the important thing is not to pick a side and be extremely empirical, doing your own field tests in the most objective way possible.

If you want clarity, don't consult your mind, consult your emotions. If it feels right to you to pursue novel-writing then pursue it. Don't worry about the "chimp-game". That's just an idea and will be a stumbling block to authenticity and fulfillment if taken too seriously. I have a feeling that you really love novel writing, just from reading your message. Remember "low consciousness" "chimp-game" and all these other things are just value judgements and labels that only exist within the mind. Meaning is highly subjective, so you could literally try to sort everything in your reality into blacks and whites like "high consciousness/low consciousness" "wise/unwise" "good/bad" etc. But all these labels are false. The reality of the matter is that nothing "means" anything until you make it mean that. So, let your emotions guide you. Also, watch out for judgments in general. So, if you find yourself judging people for being "low-consciousness" or engaging in "low-consciousness" behavior. Then you congratulate yourself for not engaging in these behaviors. Then, this type of judgement and reward system in your mind will tie your hands and keep you in a very narrow boundary. Because you'll get emotional rewards from a contraction of possibility and not an expansion of possibility, and life will become like walking through cement. I'm not sure if you're doing this, but I know that I have in the past. So, I figured I'd give you this caveat.

@Cat Thank you.

Well said.

That makes sense. As a child, I remember trying to remain aware of the exact moment that I went to sleep. I was never successful, but it seems like cultivating the ability to do this could sort of flex the awareness muscles.

Thank you for the info. I will try this more in the future.

Good for you! I subscribed. I checked out about half of your introductory video, then my computer started freezing up and not playing the video. So, I'll just give you my critique at a glance. Pros- Very interesting personality and fun to watch which is great for a Youtube talking head. This is the primary reason why people will want to watch you. Think about it, would you watch Leo's content if someone else who was boring to listen to was talking about it? No. You'd flip over to a different video. So, this is a big plus point that you have on your hands that you can leverage to your advantage. You're a memorable person. Improvement Points- I can definitely see Leo's influence in how you do your thumbnails, the topics you cover, and some of the words you use. You want to think about your personal style and what will make your channel completely unique from anyone else on Youtube. This will be your main leverage point. So, work on making really unique content with a really unique point of view. Speak from personal experience, use different terminology, and cover somewhat different topics even though you're in the same personal development niche. Also, name your videos with popular search terms so that they rank higher in search. Leo can afford to name his videos by unique names that are catchy and have cuss words and irrelevant words in it because he has 400,000+ subscribers and Youtube will automatically rank his videos higher and put him in the suggested videos. For us little guys (my channel has about 875 subs) we need to name videos strategically to get seen otherwise we'll get lost in the huge pile of Youtube videos. Experiment around to try to get your videos on the first page ideally, if not 2nd and 3rd page are somewhat acceptable for now. Also, do consider eventually investing in some better quality equipment. I've spent about $300 (maybe less) on my set and it looks pretty decent, though I do plan to improve upon it still. An umbrella light costs about $25-$40 and a tripod costs less than that. There are also cameras the shoot in high quality HD that are around $100-$150. Good luck and give it hell!