Emerald

I'm like 99.9999999999999% positive that it has nothing to do with your looks. It's been my experience that many men talk about how they want to date a 10. But most would be thrilled with a 6, and a decent percentage would go for a willing 3. So, if your perception is that you're at least average looking, then looks are unlikely to be a huge barrier to getting a normal amount of male attention. It's my perception (guys can correct me if I'm wrong) that the average man's main concerns when approaching women are, 1. How likely is it that she will like me? and 2. Is she going to be offended/mad/mean if I approach her? So, it's a possibility that men may look at you and either think, "She'd never say yes to me and/or a guy who cold approaches." or "She looks like she'd be offended if I approached her." It's often reasonably attractive but prudent seeming women don't get male attentions. A friend of mine from college was a cute girl (definitely at least a 7), but she never had a guy show interest in her until she was 22 or 23. And she was always perplexed as to why. She just gave off the good girl vibe and probably scared a lot of guys off.

I second this. @Thinh

Sure. You can show your friend my channel. Though, it may not resonate with him if he's not into self-help/spirituality/psychology. You may have to find something else that resonates a bit closer to where he is to get him moving in a more positive direction first before he's ready for deeper levels of development as you find in videos from myself, Leo, or other spiritual-based self-help authors/video makers. You may try someone like Tony Robbins first or someone focused more toward external success.

I do have issues with self-sabotage as well, though it's much better than it used to be. I was reading in the book "The Happiness Hypothesis" by Jonathan Haidt that the mind is like a rider on top of an elephant. So, the conscious mind is the rider and the subconscious mind is the elephant. So, even if the rider wants to do something, if the elephant isn't trained to listen to the rider, the rider won't be able to have control over the elephant due to the elephant's superior strength. So, to get control over the tendency to self-sabotage, the subconscious must be worked on via meditation and other forms of inner work to "train the elephant" to listen to the "rider." But if you want to both have control over your emotions and to not repress them, you have to go in the opposite direction of repression. So, instead of trying to block the emotions out of your experience, you let them hit you fully and without resistance. This is how you process through emotions. So, whenever you feel emotions, it's important to make a practice of allowing it and observing it mindfully. This will enable to you to have equanimity (akin to stoicism in appearence) and awareness of any emotion. But it's important to make a practice of dealing with emotions as they come up in an open way.

Oops. I just realized that we're way off the main thread topic. If you want to PM me, you can. But I don't want to get in trouble.

I haven't had a long-term girlfriend before, as I've spent the vast majority of the past 11.5 years in committed relationships with men. There were only a few months in between the two relationships that I had during this time. But both my ex-boyfriend (of 4 years) and my husband were/are both open to me being able to experience that side of myself. So, it's never really been an issue of not being able to experience the more physical aspects of that side of myself. But I've always been an approach chicken, because the odds of rejection are quite high for a woman approaching a woman. Also, I currently don't have a lot of time to socialize or for spontaneity due to the constance of the task of parenting as well. So, I don't know anyone of the same gender right now that I am both attracted to and feel comfortable enough with. So, that part of myself is quite far away from my priorities for that reason and in lieu of an actual attraction to an actual woman this side of myself is kind of dormant. And despite living in Florida, most people that I know are very accepting of the LGBT community. There are a lot of open minded people here too, if you know where to look for them. So, I'm not too worried about judgment. But I'm definitely attracted to people of both genders, and men I'm attracted to much more often... though my deep attractions are usually few and far between in general anyway.

It can clash if you identify too strongly with it or buy into self-congratulatorty thoughts about how skilled you are about remaining stoic. I used to identify strongly with stoicism when I was an older child/teen and prided myself on never showing emotions, especially anger, pain, fear, sadness, joy, and excitement. When I was about ten, I used to have other girls scratch me really hard until I was nearly bleeding simply to show how much pain I could take without showing emotion. And at that age, I would relish in moments when my male peers couldn't handle the amount of pain that I could. This aspiration toward stoicism tapered off a bit when I became a teen (and I became a wuss about pain again) but I still liked the fact that I could remain unemotional during almost any situation that most people got emotional about or frustrated about. But what I found later on was that I had repressed away and neglected much of my reality and authentic personality because emotional repression was needed to remain stoic in lieu of deeper insights. I'm actually naturally a very emotionally sensitive person, but I repressed this aspect of myself because I considered it a weakness. I just adopted stoicism because I wanted to feel superior to others so I could like myself. So, you want to drop Stoicism if you find out that it comes from a place that's motivated by the illusion of inadequacy, unlovability, or incompleteness. This is the fuel of the ego.

Triggered!!!!! Just kidding. I'm trying to find all kinds of ways to relate men and women to fruit. Men have Adam's Apples. Women sometimes do spray tans and make themselves orange. So, in these senses, perhaps. But otherwise, one thing that I realized when I was a teenager is that people are all like 99% similar to one another, if you zoom out a bit. It's only our closeness to the situation that makes us hone in on the differences. If you asked another species to identify the male and female of our species, they may have trouble discerning in lieu of the adornments we add to ourselves. Most human beings have a high degree of androgyny, even if they try to play up their polarity through body language and style. So, men and women are more like, lemons and limes. There are differences that can be noticed... if you have a familiarity with the flavors.

First off, I want to commend you for your self-honesty and your desire to be better. I think that many people tend to deny their own racist tendencies because they don't want to face the internal ugliness and to see themselves in a negative light. So, most people afflicted by racist thoughts and tendencies ignore them and end up expressing them without being aware that they are being racist. So, I think awareness is the most important first step, and you're already there. The second step would be to contemplate upon things like what you mentioned in the post: recognizing that all people within a group are different, realizing that your existence as you, could be literally any other way. What I mean by this is that you could just as easily be experiencing another person's experience if you were incarnated as a person in their situation or as them. Your birth as yourself is arbitrary. There are other contemplations that you can do as well, relative to the circumstances of birth and life circumstances. Also, you'll want to contemplate on the profound similarity between all human beings. There is a Latin phrase that translate to "Nothing that is human is alien to me." that expresses this insight. Human beings, though we have subtle differences (that seem to us like big differences) are still 99% similar. We're just so close to the situation that we recognize all the little differences. The third step is to get to know people who are of the races that you're racist against. It's harder to discriminate if you have friends within that group. However, a caveat would be that even if you know people from the group you have prejudices against, you can still fall into the "I'm not racist... I have a black friend" trap. It can be used to fuel denial of racist tendencies which can revert progress. The fourth step is to practice getting in touch with the emotions that cause you the discomfort, as sensations in the body instead of as thoughts in the mind. Practice dropping the thought and focusing just on the emotion. Racism is foremost a form of projection, so it always has to do with aspects of yourself that you've repressed and denied. So, a minority group who you know little about can function as a blank screen for a person to project their own disowned traits, anger, and resentments upon. So, if you reintegrate your disowned traits and resolve the inner emotional turmoil that causes this internal split and subsequent projection upon large groups of different looking people, this will allow you to address the root of the racism at its bedrock level. You'd be surprised that racism has little to do with race at its core. It has to do with self loathing projected outward. Otherwise, continue maintaining your awareness of these tendencies throughout the day and practice observing and then letting go of intrusive racist thoughts. And be gentle with yourself. This inner turmoil is surrounded by and in large part created by outer social turmoil. If you want to really make progress you have to allow yourself internal non-judgmental space to deal with this issue. People on the outside of your mind will likely judge you one way or the other and try to nudge you in their direction. Don't let the outward taboos and judgments impede your inner progress which can (and most likely will) be a messy and ugly process. So, try not to judge yourself.

I would tell her that the rational thinking mind can distort insights received from higher wisdom, so to not take them too seriously. Don't feel torn about having an identity and growing yourself. I would also tell her to seek out information that stirs her emotionally because resonation with different teachers is one way to measure internal growth and to intuitively find the right information to go deeper inward. I would also tell her not to repress her masculine side and that traditional femininity and real femininity are often very far apart. Transcendence can't be found in adhering to traditional femininity. Also, I would tell her that there is never a single experience where all issues will resolve themselves allowing her to be healthy. I would also advise her to look into information on paradoxes and how to reconcile them. Also, I would tell her that the thing she is seeking is referred to as enlightenment and to do a Google search on it. And that she is not the only person who is pursuing this path. It's well-trodden, and she's not going crazy and is not alone.

So, I have memories of ego-transcendence and how much better it felt and how everything radiated unconditional love. So, I know from firsthand experience that love is the substance that everything is created from. So, I've been trying for years to transcend the ego in hopes of alleviating my suffering and feeling good and feeling that connection to divine love so that I can enjoy my life fully without the constant suffering, which is now (through contrast with my past experiences of ego-transcendence) very evident. So, I was just sitting and listening to Alan Watts and he was talking about how God is acting out every role in existence. So, God is every human convincing itself that it isn't itself in a play where it takes itself in fully. This analogy is not exactly new to me, as I've heard it many different ways before. But Alan Watts said something that just made a huge lightbulb come on. He was saying that God pretends to itself that it isn't God so that it can take in its own performance and become completely absorbed by the performance. And the thing that really got me was that he said that 'God always enjoys the performance, even if the performance seems unenjoyable.' So, this has made me realize that I've been holding onto a false semi-unconscious belief. So, I've been thinking deep down, "I must transcend the ego so that I can enjoy my life." And I often recall the suffering that I realized that I was unconsciously experiencing prior experiencing ego-transcendence and how unaware I was. So, I have this feeling like "I need to be enlightened to enjoy my life, otherwise life will be constant suffering at an unconscious level." But Alan Watts made me realize that, at some level that's even deeper than the suffering, I am enjoying my life whether I know it or not. And I'm even enjoying the suffering. So, this belief adds to the illusion that I am a separate self who is unhappy, and covertly perpetuates the ego.

Thank you. It's absolutely true that there can be too much spirituality. People get unhinged from reality sometimes, and body/energy/kundalini work can sometimes create actual psychiatric symptoms, such as psychosis. This is when grounding is needed and a trusted professional that shares the same values. I plan to film tonight after my kids go to bed. I don't see any reason why this wouldn't happen... other than sleepiness. But if I film tonight and edit tomorrow, I should have it up by Sunday. So, given my recent track record. I'd say it's probably going to be up on Wednesday. But I'll try for Sunday.

I would include one caveat to what I just said. Though my family and I mostly keep to ourselves, it would be most ideal to find other people who share similar values. So, don't rule that out completely. But also feel comfortable in not engaging with people who have a toxic lifestyle and setting those boundaries firmly. We have a few people that we know and trust that we can hang out with... if we can ever find the time (this never happens). Also, we have two kids, 5 and 2, and it's very important that they get social interaction with kids their age... especially the five year old. So, maybe getting involved in after-school groups or daycares can help with this. And it would give you some time to observe the behaviors and values of other parents. That way you can do playdates and things like that so that your child(ren) get that social interaction, without the risk of negative influences.

I can relate to your struggle. My solution has been to keep to myself and to my family. We're not perfect by any means. We have our things. My husband and I were talking about this the other day. We were talking about our financial struggles and other struggles to make our lives into what we want them to be. And we were lamenting on how we often go down to zero. This happens at least once a year where life is just on zero in all senses. But given that we're both from places where there is extreme amounts of darkness, we were able to feel okay with where we are. Some people's lives are so dark, that getting to zero is a pipe dream because they are so far into the darkness. But then it's also distressing because I want to help people. It's sad that so many people live such sad, isolated lives and get addicted to negative behaviors. But if I think about the truth of non-duality and the law of attraction, I try to flip my perspective for the sake of contemplation. So, if I follow the idea on an abstract level that there is only one thing and I am that one thing and that that one thing is God, it means that I am the creator of all things in my experience but that I am not aware that I am the creator of all things in my experience. I've hidden from myself somehow. So, there has never been a thing that was not me that I've ever experienced. So, every shred of darkness and light in my life has always been my own covert creation. So, if I am to assume that these negative manifestations in reality are all mirrors to my own unconscious imbalances, then perhaps the key to correcting the external problems is to correct the internal problems. So, even though it seems far fetched, perhaps it's true that if you heal yourself that your reality itself reflects that healing. For example, feminine repression has been a huge issue for me throughout my entire life. It's been a struggle for me to learn to value the feminine principle and to be okay with being a woman despite learning values at a young age that made me believe that femininity is lesser than masculinity. So, I have a fear of my feminine side, because I believe that it is my masculinity that makes me worthwhile. So, if look at this personal repression and I ascribe to the idea of oneness to it. Then I also think of myself as the only thing that potentially has ever been in existence (aka maybe there are no others), I toy with the idea that the history books reflect patriarchy and male dominance simply because of this personal problem that I have in this lifetime. I don't know this for sure of course and it sounds totally crazy. But considering that the ability for reality to be any which way, it's equally likely to any other interpretation of reality. So, I think that it's important not to rule out the possibility that healing yourself may literally translate to healing the world. But of course, no one knows this for sure. It's just one possibility out of an infinite number of possibilities. But it makes sense if you ascribe to the law of attraction and have an awareness of non-duality.

It is likely that you continue thinking this because you believe it will remedy or mask the perceived inadequacy. Like, you probably believe that if you're aware of your "inadequacy", then you can control it/hide it and avoid situations where you're likely to be rejected. So, avoiding rejection is the goal and payoff. And there is probably a goal to become adequate and lovable too.

@Preetom Excellent Work!

The thing that may not come off quite so clearly is that my husband and I don't have an amazing relationship. What we have is a relationship that was pretty terrible but has been improving a lot over the last few years, due to work that we've both done on ourselves. It has just in the past year or so, gotten to being a good relationship, so I have a lot of relief at this. So, I'm just very glad that we're on the up and up. And I'm also very proud of the work that he's done on himself. A few years ago, I literally felt trapped in the relationship and so did he, due to our own emotional baggage and limiting beliefs. And we both have quite a bit. So, the positive tone is simply because of this very reason, and not because it's an all around awesome relationship. It is not. We still definitely have our things, and we probably clash a little more than the average couple. Relative to spirituality and various turmoils that I've gone through, my husband is very hands off. He has a resistance to spirituality because he spent many years following a spiritual path only to realize that none of it really mattered. He found that he still had anger issues and that he didn't like himself and how he had become. This is difficult bottleneck to get through, that is par for the course. If you interact with others following a similar path, you recognize this is a normal part of seeking. But because he was alone when he was seeking, he didn't have the benefit of other perspectives as I do following this forum and having a YouTube channel. So, he is resistant and cynical to anything spiritually related. To bring it up to him is not easy. I call him a porcupine because he really puts the quills out. Certain topics trigger my husband pretty easily. So, this is something that is buried under a lot of limiting beliefs. But every few days he'll open up a bit and talk to me about his past, and starts to show an interest in spirituality like he used to. But he isn't quite ready yet. So, I don't push the topic with him.

It's definitely apparent that life is unfulfilling. I can't fool myself about that anymore. I have these moments in the day where I'm like, "Gosh... I'm glad I don't have to do this forever. This is so boring and pointless." I can't even distract myself from it by making my life goal oriented and directional, like I used to do. It's really in my face that it's non-directional. I sometimes feel like that episode of Spongebob, where Squidward wants to be alone and he ends up in this all white dimension where he's just in an infinite void. And he's just running over the same spot again and again as he tries to escape. Haha The only difference between that white void-space from that cartoon and my current reality is how it looks. I get into these thought processes where I try to imagine how much better things in life could be if I lived without ego. Then I imagine how it would be to live life without the burden of ego and how much more joy, freedom, and ease I would have with the tasks and ups and downs of life. But this probably creates a big attachment.

I'm glad to hear that you've become unburdened through insight. I feel as though nothing I ever learn ever quite completely resolves this issue, though there have certainly been improvements. Only ego-transcendence did that for a time. And it was wonderful to be completely unburdened. I understood then perfectly then that both of my parents love me but that they had their own limitations that they just didn't have the ability to let go of from their level of awareness. And that the pain that I feel is because I was unconsciously choosing to make my their actions mean something more deliberate and mean-spirited than what they were. I still know this intellectually, but I think that deep down I'm still holding on to pain, anger, sadness, and hope because I want some emotional payoff and reconciliation. Some hope for vindication and repair that the child in me wants to feel who is still holding out for.

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Thank you. This is good advice. I have always had a difficulty staying present in life as I'm a very heady kind of person. I've been called a space cadet many times before. And I'm always forgetting a ton of basic things that no one else forgets. I've always lived with people being angry at me for this that or the other, that most people do but I can't seem to do, simply because my mind is more interesting to me than the rest of reality. I've gotten better over the past handful of years, but it's still pretty bad. I think I became this internal because I didn't want to face some of my early childhood traumas, and the fear is still there. It boarded me up into my mind. My mind was a safe place then where I was in control and that I was good at, and praised for being good at. So, I'm definitely more attached to thought than the average person. It's like a big security blanket for me. I think it will take a lot of constant mindfulness to unwire this habit, but it seems like all signs are pointing to that over the past week or so.

Thank you for the advice. I do understand this logically and have even given similar advice before because this is akin to what I experienced. But it's good to hear anyway. I just think that I'm too afraid to take that leap of faith and to do what I know needs to be done. Fear really runs my life, all the time. I'm like a heroine addict with an instant heroine button in my mind that I automatically push every time I lose total and complete awareness. I get really frustrated sometimes.

Here is my dilemma. I've had experiences of ego-transcendence and felt the amazing amount of liberations and wholeness and the depth of my suffering in the egoic state by contrast. I also have always had the itch for deep introspection and Truth seeking, even prior to these experiences. So, there is a powerful drive to seek in me, ever since childhood. But I also want to live a normal adult life and to experience humanity uninterrupted. In fact, if I had to choose between living this life and being unenlightened and removing myself from life and being enlightened, I would choose the former in a heartbeat. I want both my normal human adulthood and enlightenment. But it's not so simple as just choosing not to seek for me. I can't un-know what I know. So, even if I try to quit seeking enlightenment, there will always be a knowledge there that I am suffering and that there is a peace that is available to me. Do you have any recommendations? Do you believe there is a way to quit seeking enlightenment altogether once you've had a glimpse? Or to seek enlightenment whilst being a parent who needs to be involved in life?

As a parent, I can tell you that this is terrifying. Technology is very addictive and can stunt psychological development in children if overused. It will be very difficult for children who are constantly plugged in to break the addiction to technology. Television has had a similar effect, but the internet is far more addictive.