Emerald

I recommend The Red Book and The Undiscovered Self from Jung. The Red Book is really the basis for all of Jung's other work, where he interacts with various daimonic forces in his own psyche. It's a dense book but it really gives you an idea of how his theories came to fruition. I've also read a ton from other authors working under the Jungian model which I found to be very relatable. My favorite Jungian author is Jean Benedict Raffa. I also have read things from June Singer, Maureen Murdoch, Monika Wikman, Jean Shinoda Bolen, Robert Johnson, and John Stanford which were really beneficial to me in varying degrees. But I'm not really lonely persay, other than the natural loneliness that comes with ego-identification. It's just that the path changes as you go along it. There is a saying that goes something like (paraphrased) "At first there are rivers and mountains and trees. Then there are no rivers and mountains and trees. Then there are rivers and mountains and trees." So, each phase of the journey is different from the other. So, if you are new to the path, don't feel bad or get discouraged when you lose interest in things that have been vital to you in the earlier stages of the journey. Allow yourself to resonate with what you resonate with for a time, and then let go of it when you no longer resonate with it. Trust your intuition and flow with it to whatever resonates and feels expansive.

It's still nice to say thank you when someone pays you a compliment. It speaks to their character more than it says anything about me.

I still don't think that you understand. But that's okay.

Thank you.

Philosophy will not get you any closer to enlightenment, if that's what you're after. And you won't be able to figure this out using any kind of logical form of reasoning. Logic is based upon the illusion of reality and takes its premises in the content of the world as understood in an external objective manner. So, we assume that reality is something that many others are experiencing that works in generally predictable way as observed by science and practicality. However, if you're looking for a non-dual experience of reality, this assumption of how the world works will only hinder your ability to experience this. You have to be able to set beliefs aside and simply experience what is there. So, trying to understand reality through the lens of logic or science or ideas will not work because the premise is interpretive and dualistic and the experience you're seeking is about being and non-duality. So, the finite non-dual interpretations that serve as the measuring tools of the human mechanism cannot fathom of or measure the non-dual and understand it because they are not compatible with one another, like trying to load Microsoft Word into a toaster. The reality has to be experienced. So, don't worry about proving or dis-proving the "no selfness". Just perceive whatever you perceive.

It is something that I can notice if I do nothing else but that and observe carefully. However, the noticing still takes a concerted effort for me because I still want to fathom of the experience and create a concept to go around it, so it isn't how I walk through life. However, it is something that can be noticed and the noticing can be practiced.

You have six modes of experience: Sight, Smell, Taste, Touch, Hearing, and THOUGHT. Judgment comes in the form of a thought. The thought itself is an empirical part of reality. The content of the thought is not empirical though. The content of the thought is an illusion. The thought itself is not an illusion. And thoughts come up at random. You don't will them or control them. You just have become identified with this process through an assumption that thought = self or that thoughts come from a self. But there is nothing in reality that actually confirms this to be more than a belief. So, it would be the same thing to identify yourself with any other natural process that we identify as being external to us, like a thunderstorm. Imagine how crazy it would make you to identify with a thunderstorm and feel like the rain was happening wrong. It's the same idea with identification with the thought creation process. The trick is to experience reality without laying beliefs, interpretations, and assumptions over it.

Intellect-based teachings are things that can be learned conceptually. They are teachings. The most effective intellect-based teachings are designed for unlearning untruths. The thing that I need is more about letting go of ideas and concepts so that I have nowhere to hide. In order to do this, I must implement a practical process for allowing the thoughts to be there without getting involved in them. Basically, I have a neurotic clinging to intellectualization and to see my primary worth as a person through my intellectual abilities. And that's the tendency and attachment that needs to be let go of. So, to learn more teachings would be to exacerbate this issue because I can use it to prop up my identity. Plus, teachings have lost meaning to me and I can barely listen to or read anything anymore without losing interest. So, I take that as a sign that right now is the time for me to really let go of the illusion that finding understanding will lead to an experience of Truth. Right now, my practice is to engage in all sorts of interactions that involve my "wise person" ego identity and to try become disenchanted with it and detached from it through realizing that it isn't giving me the peace and fulfillment that I really want from it. It helps to see a lot of others playing the same game as me because it destroys the illusion that I'm special. Prior to being involved on this forum and with my channel, I was the lone person on this path which came with a certain delusion of grandeur. Now that I see others, I realize that it's silly. It would be like me thinking that I'm special because I'm a stamp collector or something. However, I haven't exhausted all outlets for this identity yet. Otherwise, my practice is just to notice throughout the day when I'm engaged in intellectualization and to cut the conversation short by anchoring myself back in my sensory experiences. I think that I'm making progress with it.

I understand your thought process. But I'm specifically talking about immersing myself in more intellect-based teachings not being a good idea. Like I said, if I were to go to a Buddhist Temple, it would be of benefit to me only if it were based in practice and not in teachings. But I believe this because my emotions are leading me to almost nowhere. There is hardly anywhere I can go to hide out anymore. So, nowhere is where I need to be. Before, I'd have my intuitions lead me to this teacher or that book or that video. This doesn't happen anymore. Things are becoming meaningless to me, and that's exactly what needs to happen. So, I'm trying now to exhaust all things of meaning now including being the "wise" person meaning so that I have no other choice but to just be. This process will be harmed by getting into some other meaning-based thing where I can get caught up in the trap of intellect.

You still don't understand. Intellectualization and learning new perspectives on enlightenment seeking has been a major trap for me at this point in my journey. I'm not saying that I know everything there is to know. I'm saying that there's nothing that I could learn at this point that's actually going to assist me without hindering me. I already know what I have to do. Learning new perspectives on what I have to do will only distract me. What I need is much closer than any teaching.

I understand how it can look like I'm beating myself up in my post, but I'm really not. I'm just telling him my most honest experience of my thoughts and feelings relative to what he posted. He's not wrong, persay. He's right that I am ego-identified, falsely modest, dishonest, and identified with being wise. He's also right that I circled the wagons, in my own very sneaky way. I would choose to be otherwise if I could but I can only be as honest with others as much as I'm honest with myself. So, since I'm ego-identified, I have a limited ability for self-honesty and as a result I also have a limited ability to be honest with others. Even now, I'm trying to seem a certain way with how I respond to you and how I respond to him to fortify those identities. And in my response to him, I conceded to his point and tried to be honest not simply for the sake of honesty. But so that I disarm him and look like the "good guy" of the interaction and fortify my false identification with being honest, modest, and wise. And so that others see him as being the less reasonable one of the interaction and I look like the bigger person by not firing back at him with an equal opposite counter-argument. So, I did the intellectual equivalent of turning myself into a piece of tissue when someone tries to punch me. It becomes frustrating for the person giving the offensive attack because there's no resistance there to punch against, and the person trying to punch a tissue just looks foolish and might even accidentally punch the brick wall that's behind the tissue. Now, I don't want to do this to a person, not really. I genuinely don't like to see others in pain or discomfort. But my ego still perceives an attack and it's my go-to counter attack to use the person's own momentum against them by making it seem like I'm not even fighting them in the first place. So, it's a lot of dishonesty and trickery that I could certainly lie to myself about because it's all very subtle... I'd want to let it go, but I don't have the level of detachment just to ignore a perceived attack on myself yet. I still get irked about it. And shooting the bird would just mess up my self-image. That would awful.

I still don't think that you understand what I mean. There's literally nothing that I can learn on the intellectual/knowledge level that will bring me any nearer to ego transcendence. Learning anything else would just be getting trapped in intellect and concepts and using them as a distraction, which is my main attachment and one of the primary foods of my ego. So, going to a Buddhist Temple would only help me if it were solely a practical endeavor based in unlearning and unconditional presence. Getting to know people face to face would just be another cul-de-sac and a way for me to run away from what is. Reading more books and watching more videos would like-wise be about running away from what is. So, there literally is nothing that I could learn right now that wouldn't hurt me.

If you look at reality without the concept of past or future or the concept of science. So, you're just looking at your experience of reality as it is, without any belief of continuity.... just the reality of the present moment. You find that no experience is exactly the same as the experience of one moment before. You shift your eyes slightly and the entirety of your visual reality changes in an instant. The sounds are constantly changing. The smells and tastes don't even remain constant. Feelings and sensations are also always changing. Everything is always moving. Every moment is a brand new reality that's never before been experienced. The judger is an illusion based on identification with the thought process. So, judgmental thoughts spring into your awareness and become a source of identification. So, we think "I'm judging this or that." But the reality is simply that judgmental thoughts are being experienced, identified with, and believed. But do not assume that there's no "You." See for yourself that there's just the interpretation of a "You." But there is an awareness that experiences all things. But notice how it is not any of the things that are experienced. There are simply judgments coming up. The belief that there is a "You" making those judgments is a belief based only in your interpretation of reality. If you set aside all beliefs and observe reality as it is, you will find that there is no "You" to be observed. But this is not supposed to be a judgment or determination that you make. It's supposed to be an observed reality. Also, Descartes may have been very intellignet, but was mistaken when he made the statement "I think, therefore I am." He made the mistake of conflating the self with thought. But there is no self to be observed in the thoughts. There are only thoughts to be observed. That's true. The changingness of something doesn't prove that there's no self. The fact that there's no self to be observed indicates that there's no self. However, looking at the fact that reality is constantly in flux can aide you in observing the truth of no self. Mere awareness is not in any way mere. Awareness is greater than the small conception of self that we have. However, when someone says "Joseph is stuck in the rationalist paradigm." they are using rationality and the assumption of a separate "you" called Joseph to base this statement off of. This is because language and concepts are inherently incapable of fathoming of Truth, but they are necessary tools for getting along in the word. So, we have to use approximations in order that we might make our point more tangible from the perspective of duality. Truth and reality often seem to be at odds with one another in terms of functionality. There are just thoughts coming up and interacting with one another, and there's another thought that identifies with the entire process. There's a thought when I read this post that "Joseph is mistaken" with which I mistakenly identify with a self doing the thinking. However, I did not will the thought. There are just thoughts upon thoughts upon thoughts that spring up into my awareness. To pre-suppose a "me" that's doing the thinking overlooks the fact that I have no control over the thoughts that spring up and that there's no one thing that I can point at in reality that's actually doing the thinking. It's just a process.

I'm so adding this saying to my mental rolodex. It's a good one.

I am definitely firmly entrenched in ego and my affectation comes from that. And "wise ego" and "modest ego" are both ego-identifications of mine. I'm just not at the point where I can let go of it. They're like security blankets. This is simply where I am at the moment. I'd like to be more honest if I could from where I am, but I'm already pushing myself to the maximum brink of how honest and thorough I can be about my experiences without having transcended the ego. But I've found that a high degree of default dishonesty is just a normal part of being an ego-identified person. But what I was saying in my post was that I have already learned everything from books, teachers, and videos that can possibly help me at this point. So, if at this point, I were to immerse myself in more teachings, it's only for the sake of distraction and creating another security blanket. Just like my activity on here is only for the sake of distraction and for creating another security blanket. My channel functions in largely the same way too, though I hope it's not a solely ego-driven pursuit. My hope is that in diving into these things and seeing how unsatisfying they are, that I can actually manage to let go of these. However, some of these identifications came about for my childhood self to protect itself against trauma. So, there are identities that are harder to weed out because some parts of myself still need them as coping mechanisms to function. They are like crutches. If I kick them out from under myself before I'm ready, I will fall and hurt myself worse.

Thank you. One thing that's helped me to take action on my goals is to work on what's called "Keystone Habits". Basically, you install one habit at a time for a couple months relating to diet, exercise, meditation, or sleep. Since these are very fundamental, they are good to focus on first because they'll have a ripple effect on other areas of your life. So, because habits get wired into your mind over the course of about 60 days, you want to focus primarily on one of these for 60 days per habit. After that, these things should become second nature. The main thing is not to overwhelm yourself with many habits at once. If you work on one habit at a time, it's like tearing a page. If you work on more than one habit at a time, it's like tearing many pages stacked together. It becomes a lot harder and you're more likely to be inconsistent.

That's basically what I said. I think you might have misread what I posted.

You basically have a semi-conscious thought process that talks you out of making good decisions. I didn't have this problem with Veganism because I committed to it completely. So, I gave myself no wiggle room to talk myself out of it, and now it's just the way that I eat. I've been Vegan for a year. However, I still have this thought process when it comes to doing the dishes. I tell myself "I should do the dishes every day." But then, I rationalize it away. I say, "There are only a few dishes in the sink, I'll wait until tomorrow." Then, by the next day, I always have an overwhelmingly large amount of dishes to do. So, my kitchen is always very stressful to clean. So, I recommend adopting Veganism as an identification (temporarily), even if it's your first day as a Vegan. You will be less likely to eat things that are non-Vegan because it will feel dishonest to you, given that you call yourself a Vegan. It will help solidify your commitment. If you tell others it will also give you more incentive not to talk yourself out of it. Also, I can relate to the feeling of powerlessness too. That was one of the toughest emotions that I had to transition through when I went Vegan. However, that's all part of the process of becoming more aware. It's all part of personal growth. You're becoming aware of why you became okay with eating meat (and other animal products) in the first place. Most people have Vegan values and don't want for animals to suffer, but feel utterly powerless to make any kind of change in this issue. So, as children, we sort of resign ourselves to eating things that cause others to suffer. And this is also why it's difficult to transition because the emotion of powerlessness against something so heavy comes back up into the conscious mind, instead of remaining buried in the unconscious mind. So, the reintegration process is pretty brutal for those transitioning to Veganism.

Thank you. I hope that you like the content. It's okay to watch videos for now if you're still getting a sense of growth from it. I had a period of time like this too. I think that it's part of the path. However, a caveat I would offer is that sometimes, with personal development, we can use videos or reading to distract ourselves from facing uncomfortable emotions and tough realities. For me, for about a year, I was really into Jungian Psychology. I would read every book that I could get my hands on. Then, came a time where I had reached a point where it reached a point of diminishing returns simply just to hash and rehash the theory. So, that dropped off and I found myself a series of various teachers (including Leo) that I absolutely immersed myself in their teachings. And I basically binge watched or read anything that they had to offer. But in the past year or so, I find that I can barely make myself watch a full video or read a full book of even my favorite teacher's work. I think it's because there's nothing more on the level of knowledge and intellect that I can learn that's going to help me get any closer to my goal of ego-transcendence. Basically, the teachers and videos and books have helped me get to the door, but now only I can go inside. And at this point, immersing myself in anyone's teachings only serves as a distraction for me to avoid the discomforts of what "going in the door" entails. You will know that you've reached the point of diminishing returns when reading and watching videos becomes something that feels forced and agitating and like it's become another form of meaningless entertainment. However, in the beginning when it's helpful, you will feel a sense of expansion and growth from it and you'll have a lot of "Aha!" moments. So, be sure to always watch your emotions and to take as much action as you can on your goals.

I recommend to look at "Law of Attraction" as more of a law of mirroring. Basically, life will attract to you whatever your "vibration" dictates. So, if you have a lot of inner turmoil, then life will attract to you lots of situations that mirror that turmoil in order that you may become aware of that turmoil and address it. So, the Law of Attraction is already happening to you and it's happening in a way that's perfectly designed for the expansion of the real self (aka God/Universe/Nothingness/etc/) So, the best thing you can do with the LOA is to use it as an awareness tool for things that you need to address. Then, as you become more and more aware, you will flow more effortlessly through the life you're meant to have. And no matter what the circumstances may be, you'll be far more at peace and fulfilled than if you tried to simply manifest whatever you want from where you are right now. Most times, people think that we know what we want, but can be very mistaken. So, to try to attract this or that into your life without addressing what LOA is mirroring to you right now is just going to manifest more of the same problems until you address them.

The ego is the process and product of false identification with things that are not the real self (nothingness, God, etc.). It is what gives us the illusion that we are separate from all other things in reality, when it's really all one unified thing. Monkey mind is a product of the ego-identification process which is designed to solidify and maintain the false identification with the ego-self through constant rebuilding and fortifying of the self-concept and our identification with it.

So, what is your life purpose?

Don't worry. You can always find ways to resolve emotional issues even if they are established in childhood. So, it can get better. One thing that's helped me is to recognize that I'm just part of an impersonal pattern. So, my issues were mainly with my mom, and I've carried a lot of anger toward her. However, I see now that she really didn't see herself as being in the wrong and even was able to convince herself that she has the best intentions for me. I also see that she is the way she is due to her upbringing, and that my grandparents are the way they are due to their upbringing, and so on and so on. Most people don't do intentionally malicious things. So, in seeing this, it's easier to give forgiveness on this level. Once you've let go to a certain degree, you can start to face the emotions head on with awareness. If you focus on how the body and mind work together to create the experience of trauma, you'll get new insights into why the trauma reaction is so tenacious in the first place. If you focus on the emotional reactions that arise in the body with full awareness, it will enable you to process through the most negative stored emotions.

I'm sorry to hear that.

If you don't mind my asking, was your mom very controlling and nit-picky/critical of you?