Emerald

I feel like the friend-zone idea was thought of by men in order to try to understand and cope with rejection from a woman that they really like. And the idea got popular and gained traction from there. It's kind of like the flip-side of tv trope of the unattractive woman saying, "But I have a great personality..." to cope with rejection and to reframe the issue as "If I found a great guy... he wouldn't be interested in looks..." But this is not how attraction works. It's just trying to find soothing or actionable answers and mindsets to cope with rejection from an object of attraction. So, I feel like friend-zone is an idea that exists to be able to say, "If only I did 'x, y, z', then I wouldn't have been put in the friend-zone." So, that there is an illusion of a fail-safe way to avoid rejection in the future. And it works to a degree but doesn't really get the psychology of the woman correct.

I suppose that's true from one perspective. For me, my attractions have always come about like food-poisoning. I meet a guy and talk to him for a while and nothing. Then, a few days later, I realize that I'm thinking about him a lot and that it feels good to think about him. Then, I realize that I've been infected. And it comes out of nowhere for no rhyme or reason, and it's the best feeling ever to where I want to talk people's ears off about it. That's why women are always talking to one another about their crushes in a giddy way to one another.

The woman's motivation would be to make a human connection with a friend or acquaintance. Generally speaking, women who have male friends are just wanting friends. There's no motivation to seek a relationship. Now, a dysfunctional person might enjoy getting attention to fill some voids. But generally, the friend-zone is just the default mode for all people... including the vast majority of men.

You're welcome!

I can relate. I always found the friend-zone idea very inaccurate and frustrating for that reason because it really gets the psychology about it wrong. There tend to be decent bits of advice on how to "avoid the friend-zone" that will work in a pinch in a percentage of cases. But it really gets the motivations and psychology all wrong. It's very "cart before the horse."

I'm not saying that guy puts himself in his own friend-zone or that he's worried about girls that he's not interested putting him in the friend-zone. I'm just saying that women don't think of the friend-zone at all. There's no zone there. It's just default. So, most guys never get bumped up to the "romance-zone." It's not that he's put in the friend-zone. He just never made it out of the friend-zone... or what I call default mode. It really is a totally different perspective to think from. Everyone starts in the friend-zone. Very few guys make it out. But men don't talk about the friend-zone and putting women there because they understand that they just aren't interested in some women and that they never will be attracted to those women. So, these women are in the 'platonic-zone'. The reason why I am not calling it the friend-zone in this case is because men tend not to approach women in hopes of friendship from the get-go. Women usually start out with an intention for friendship in most situations because that's part of default-mode. So, the romance is never a factor to start with. It only comes in the form of a Cupid's Arrow or in the form of more shallow physical-based attractions to how a man looks. But men who make this mistake when fathoming of the friend-zone, just don't tend to recognize that women just aren't romantically interested in most men and never will be and that this is default. So, they friend-zone (platonic-zone) women, but it happens unceremoniously because they are sober enough to see that they just aren't attracted to that person. That's what happens when a guy is in the friend-zone. The woman just isn't attracted. She didn't sort the man here. He just never sparked those feelings in her. Most men won't.

Well, I have tons of guys that I get really excited to talk to that I have no romantic interest in. So, it's not that I see them as invisible. I'm married now, anyway. But this is true, even if I weren't. I really enjoy my male friends. So this doesn't mean that they aren't fascinating people that I admire very much. It's just that, if the chemistry isn't there, then it just isn't. But the lack or romantic interest doesn't mean that I think less of them or that they're not cool guys. But the "3" comment, was just tongue in cheek to illustrate a point about the nature of reproduction from the male standpoint. Even if most guys have standards... they're not really necessary for the biological impetus to pass on one's genes. You could pass on your own genes with a "10" a "5" or a "3". So, from the reptilian brain's perspective, all sex is a win. So, I'm not saying that men don't have standards. I'm just saying that biology doesn't require it, if we reduce it down to pure reproductive success. Which I also said is not something that I agree with. Human beings are more complex than their baser drives.

I think about the pre-conditioned personality as having a mix of both masculine and feminine elements in varying degrees. So, imagine that there are a million different inherent traits that a person can have, and each of these traits will be either masculine or feminine. So, after all of those traits are accounted for, it will determine whether a person is inherently feminine or masculine or somewhere in the middle. And this ratio is very unique to the person. So, someone could be masculine in most ways but still orient in a feminine way relative to other aspects of themselves. Then, those aspects will be shaped in this or that way according to culture and social learning. So, this is how I see your tendency toward a more feminine presentation of attraction. This is just part of your unique masculine/feminine signature. So, you'll find women who are very interested in being with lots of different men, and you'll find men who are very particularized with their attractions to women. So, above was just a generalization to convey the point. Now, even if a person orients in a feminine way or masculine way relative to a particular aspect of themselves, it's still a good idea to be in touch with the other side of themselves as this is a big factor of personal development that is often avoided or over-looked. So, someone who naturally orients in a masculine way relative to attraction would be wise to try to become attuned to the feminine part of that drive in themselves, so that they can experience the intuitive and deep nature of a feminine oriented attraction. The more mature a man gets, the more this tendency will brandish itself in small glimmers through his otherwise masculine oriented attraction preferences. This will enable him to be able to fall in love with a particular person and to understand her feelings much better. The same is true for women who orient in a masculine way with regard to this personality trait. Likewise, if someone orients in a very feminine way (male or female), then they would also be wise to get more in touch with the more primal aspects of their drive for pair bonding. So, a woman who orients in a feminine way relative to this trait, would mostly have the particularized attractions that are intuitive and deep. But she would also have developed a relationship to a spark of primal sex drive. She will have a much stronger sex drive and will have more self-knowledge and understanding of her partner's perspective too. And the same is true of a man that orients in a feminine way relative to this trait. Carl Jung talked about this relative to the Anima and Animus. He said something about the Yin Yang symbol that rings true to me. A person who has developed themselves at a deep level will have a Yin/Yang symbol with large dots. But a person who is immature will have dots that are just pin-pricks. So, it's very important to determine which traits are authentic to you as an individual, then get in touch with the inner opposite and develop those too. The inner opposite of each trait should act like the salt and seasoning to the main dish.

Is that what you're afraid of? Do you think you'll become homeless?

My recommendation is simply to kick yourself out of the nest. The reason why you doubt yourself is because you've never had the chance to prove to yourself that you can be independent. You're not going to die. Maybe you'll struggle, but you'll be alive. You'll be a lot more alive than you've ever been. Nothing will be lost except some temporary cold comfort.

The snake is the archetypal image of the feminine and relates to the material world. This is because the snake is the animal that is closest to the ground. So, it represents worldly things and mother Earth. It's also why Christianity and other masculine 'Father-God' religions has labeled the snake as a bad and corrupting influence because those religions see the material world as inherently negative and sinful. As a result, the feminine is also repressed and seen as negative and sinful. These two attitudes relate. Anything that's anti-matter is also anti-feminine. However, if you look to other cultures that are poly-theistic, the snake has a similar meaning but a completely different connotation. For example, in Hinduism the snake still represents the feminine and the material world. But these are not viewed as negative things as they are recognized as being "one" with the masculine principle and the void and spiritual world. Much like Eve comes from Adam's rib, the material world is an outgrowth and expression of the spiritual world. So, the snake is seen as the waiting potential of the material world that can then rise up to be one with the masculine as portrayed in images of Shakti and Shiva in sexual embrace. The material is the feminine that is always pregnant with the essence of the masculine and spiritual. They are one thing. So, when the Kundalini serpent rises to the crown chakra, this is enlightenment. There are also depictions of the snake in ancient Egyptian culture, where images of powerful figures wearing golden headpieces that depict a risen serpent also denote enlightenment and the connection of the material world to the spiritual world. So, archetypally, this is what the snake represents. So, a snake on the ground is all about the material world, which relates back to finances and survival, sexuality and the sense of individual self-ness. A snake moving in a vertical direction represents a connection to the spiritual world and a merging of the feminine material and the masculine spiritual to create the divine child that results from enlightenment.

That was similar to what I experienced on Ayahuasca. My intuition was super tuned in to other's experiences. And I would get insights in a really visceral way just by looking at people and things... or actions that people were taking. For example, I was 20 and at a house party, the second time that I took Ayahuasca. And the guys that I was hanging out with had this cute little pugle (mix between a pug and beagle). And they loved that little dog so much. And they had been pretending to talk to the pugle like many people do with their pets. And they would make up the voice for her and make up her responses to what they would say. And I had been watching them do this for months, and it seemed very normal. Like I said, lots of people do this with their animals. I have done it many times before too. But when I took the Ayahuasca, I saw that the personality that they had constructed for the pugle was completely different than her actual personality. So, when they were talking to her, they were never really talking to her. They were just talking to themselves. It was all a projection to which she was the projection screen. They didn't know the dog at all, and they couldn't love her even if they wanted to. They might as well have never even met her. And I wasn't sad for the dog, persay. The dog had no issue. I was sad for them. They didn't realize that they were doing that. At many levels, they didn't anyway. And this made me feel sad for them because they were isolated from reality and cut off from their ability to love another person. They were crazy, and they didn't know it. But it also made me feel sad for most human beings, because this is why we have such an issue connecting with one another. We see only what we project. We never see what's actually there. So, we've forgotten how to love. And all this wisdom, hit me all at once in the form of an emotion that carried this insight with it. And it made me feel like I wanted to hold these grown men like little babies because they felt so precious to me and so innocent. A bit strange to say now. But I really felt that way. I get that way from time to time when I think of how people are so innocent for all their lives. We never lose that innocence because we never know anything.

I see what you're saying. But even if you can perceive that there is no other, it still doesn't mean that this is actually the case. This is because there is still a blind-spot where we can't determine whether our perceptions are accurate or real in any way. So, we may be able to experience and perceive that there is no other, but it doesn't mean that our experiences are accurate or real in any way. Do you see what I mean? All we can know is what is being experienced in the present moment beyond labels and interpretations. All else is just the fodder of thoughts. And saying "there is no others" is in itself an interpretation of the raw material of perception. So, it can't be known as knowing itself is limited. We can experience and be but we can never know.

I'm still not 100% sure what you mean. Do you mean that a person can experience other people's perspectives directly through Samadhi or something like that?

Can you elaborate? I'm not sure what you mean.

You can't know. Even if you become enlightened, you will never know. It is part of the mystery of existence. The only thing to do is to accept the fact that you will never know for sure how real or unreal anything actually is. But knowing is not beneficial anyway. What's beneficial is surrendering to the mystery of existence. For this, I like the metaphor of The Diamond Net of Indra, for which I named my channel. In the parable, it states that all of reality is a net of infinite dimension that the god Indra has hung in the sky. Because the net is infinite, it stretches out in every direction. And at each of the vertices of the net, lies a jewel. So, the jewels that sit upon the infinite net are also infinite in number. And in each jewel is a reflection of all the other jewels. So, there is an infinite amount of jewels reflected in each jewel. So, there is only one jewel from that perspective which contains all other jewels. But there is also an infinite net of separate jewels, from a different perspective. Both seem to contradict one another, but both may be true and both may be false. But we can never know. We are the one jewel that reflects all other jewels. But we are also just one jewel among the infinite amount of jewels on the net. This is the paradox of being. So, to put it a different way, I think it's important not to fall into the trap of solipsism where we assume there are no others and that our perspective is the only actual perspective. And it's just as important not to fall into the trap of naive realism, where we take for granted that reality is some separate realm that exists outside of us. The only really true answer is "I don't know." And there's a lot of power in "I don't know." because it allows you to be receptive to love and wisdom. So, let go of all beliefs, and simply be.

You can make a YouTube channel, but it will take a while to make a decent income from it. For every 30,000 views you get on monetized videos, you'll make about $60 on average. So, if you wanted to make $2000 per month, you'd have to have about a million views per month. Then you could also write books and sell them and do workshops and things like that, if you gather a significant following. Also, you could become certified as a life coach and start taking on clients from your channel. So, it's doable but it takes persistence and a lot of know-how to get yourself out there. Knowing how to get yourself ranked high in the Google/YouTube algorithm is also important to know how to do. But I also would make sure that you're not doing it for the primary reason of making money. You should judge your success by how many people are helped by your content. This will keep you motivated. But the lack of monetary reward in the initial stage can cause you to lose motivation if you use that as your measuring tool of success.

Think of how you feel when a religious person tries to convert you to their religion. And think of what good intentions they have because they see you as a lost soul and want to throw you a life raft. You may not recognize it as such, but this is the same thing that you're doing to the people in your life when you try to change them: both short term and long term. You're trying to convert the heathens and heretics. Just accept that your life path is your own and no one else's. There is no way to do it wrong.

@Shir It's something that I can't personally relate to because I've always been a very sexually enthusiastic person. So, if I've fallen for a guy, I can't wait to express my sexual side to him. It feels very un-natural to me to hold back such a beautiful expression. But if abstaining from sex until marriage is what is authentic to you, then don't let fear lead you away from what is authentic to you. You will eventually find someone who is willing to honor that boundary. So, don't compromise if it's what you really want in your heart of hearts. However, I would caution you that it's very easy to lie to yourself on this matter, as the sex drive is a very powerful and deep human need that looks for subconscious outlet for expression if it can't be met directly. So, if you have put a lot of energy into the "virgin until marriage" idea, then you could very well deceive yourself that abstaining from sex is right for you when it really isn't, thus making you either monumentally unhappy or subconsciously seeking other outlets to have those needs met. Deep down, you will already know if you're feeling and thinking these things if this is the case for you. So, you should also be mindful not to let fear lead you away from what's authentic if sex is what you truly desire with your partner. Don't waste your life trying to be perfect. The perfect is the enemy of the good. Also, what's even worse, is you could deceive yourself into believing you're ready to settle down with a guy... but subconsciously you really just want to have sex with him as soon as it is acceptable according to your rules. So, be very careful. And to make things clearer for yourself, I recommend letting go of false and limiting beliefs regarding sex and relationships. For example, let go of the belief that sex equals disrespect to the self. There is no inherent connection between sex and self-respect until you believe that there is. And this is true, even if society says otherwise. This is an added meaning that just muddies the waters. Also, let go of the belief that sex is such a big deal that it changes everything. Once you have sex, you will find that it's just another part of life. The media tends to make sex out to be more than it is. Your relationship will be mostly the same even after you have sex. Also, you will lose no personal value if you end up having sex before marriage. There is nothing to be lost there, even if society imagines that there is. And if you have a bad first time, it may hurt for a little while but then it will just become another experience. Life will go on. And it doesn't mean that you won't be able to make a deep connection with someone else in the future. Also, one of the biggest burdens that I let go of was thinking of things in terms of "the right one." There are tons of "right ones" out there. And it's very normal to have sex. Biologically speaking, sex in the first few months of a relationship is designed to bond you to the other person. It's the heat of the newness of the relationship that creates the chemical reaction. Then, things naturally cool off and give way to a deeper but less intense love that is more long-lived. So, I see sex as part and parcel to the process of cultivating a new relationship. And you will know when it is the right time to do it, if you let go of your limiting beliefs and unnecessary burdens. And for you, it might be waiting for marriage. But it might also be a few weeks after you and your partner get together. Just follow your intuition and instincts and let them guide you. Don't let fear guide you. Edit: I scanned back through the thread and noticed many times that you referred to being a "proud virgin." It's okay to be happy about your choices. But when it comes to personal identity, labeling yourself as anything will always distort things. There will be parts of yourself, your thoughts, and emotions that undermine the identity of "proud virgin", and that is where the self deception really begins. The ego will try to protect this identity by repressing and ignoring what is actually authentic to you, and make you think you want certain things when you really don't... or don't want things when you actually do. There is also a subtle judgment of "not being like everyone else" projected out over people who do hook-ups and seeing them as sullying themselves somehow. But these meanings are created by you entirely. And it's these internal judgments and external judgments of what's "good" and "bad" that makes this issue so stressful and unclear for you. If you examine and dismantle these beliefs, you will have more clarity and peace relative to the topic of sexuality. Remember, you don't lose any self-worth if you decide to have sex. It doesn't make you lesser or bad in any way. You wouldn't be able to call yourself the "proud virgin" anymore. But this is just an empty label anyway. It's nothing to sacrifice your authenticity for. You are far more important and beautiful than any label. So, after having read your posts, my brutally honest perception is that you're only abstaining from sex until marriage because you think it adds value to you to do so, and would take value away from you to have sex before marriage. It seems that you have some moral judgments about people who engage in sex outside of a relationship. So, you probably constructed the identity of the "proud virgin" so that you don't have to judge yourself in the way that you judge others and so you then pushed yourself to the opposite extreme. So, my advice is to stop carrying the heavy burden of the title "proud virgin" and really find out what's authentic to you. When all is said and done, there won't be anyone there to judge you except for you. Be kind to yourself. Grant yourself a little innocence in your instincts.

If you would feel wrong to get rid of these practices, then keep them. It would ideally just be simpler if you minimized them to the basics. But if you have to fight with yourself to do it, it will have the opposite effect. So, keep them and remain mindful of your internal state as you do them to better understand your motives and to integrate those parts into your awareness. Be sure to pay extra attention to critical voices or feelings like "I need this to be valid." But the number one thing to glean is to watch your motivation and come to know the stories that you want to have happen that keep your ego alive. Certainly, it is true that certain skills are needed to fulfill certain roles. Certain skills are needed in life. However, the thing to question is why you want to have those skills and/or fulfill those roles in the first place and if it's coming from a positive or negative place. For example, if you want to attract women because you simply want the excitement of the experience, then this is positive and authentic. But if you want to attract women, to solidify a sense of self-worth or to prop up low self-esteem, then it comes from a negative place and is not authentic to you. Don't let fear lead you to some kind of obligation to be this or that way to be acceptable to yourself. As you exercise awareness and reintegrate parts of yourself, anything that isn't authentic to you will fall away naturally if you let it. And it will be like setting down a heavy stone that you've been carrying for your entire life. The main thing is to have the courage and wisdom to know when it's possible and desirable to put down those stones. But don't try to pick up a new stone by the name of "putting down the stones"... if you see what I mean. Just let go of what you can let go of. And if you can't let go yet, then let go of the fact that you can't let go yet. And just watch mindfully as you engage in your daily activities.

How long did it take her to make a decision? Choosing which bench to sit on should be a simple and quick decision, even if she's a slow decision maker or indecisive in other areas of life. If she can't make that kind of decision, then it's likely that she has dealt with having to walk on eggshells in her life with people that she's been around. So, she might be trying to avoid annoying you or making you angry by making the "wrong" decision. So, she may be used to yielding to the other person or people by default to avoid confrontation. Or, in a less likely scenario, she may have some issue with her pre-frontal cortex. People who have a problem in this region of the brain, literally will be unable to make decisions even in the most simple of situations. Now, with regard to the not knowing which clothing to wear, she may just really want to know what makes you tick. This is a feminine tendency that can generally be noticed. For me, if I ask a guy what I should wear, I want him to really like it and know that it gets him going. It's not that I can't make the decision on my own. It's simply that I want to know what he thinks because it's exciting to me to know what's going on in my partner's mind. Maybe this tendency could trickle over into the bench thing, where she wants to know what decision that you're going to make and to feel like you're giving her an experience of your choosing. But I doubt it with regard to this decision because it's so small and arbitrary. It seems like, if she can't choose where to sit, there may be something else going on regarding her past experiences.

Think of it in the sense that you're allowing everything. So, reintegration is the natural flow of the mind from the unconscious mind to the conscious mind. So, without resistance, repressed aspects of the self will naturally buoy up from the unconscious mind to the conscious mind, thus expanding your awareness and allowing those aspects to integrate. Just like a buoy that isn't weighed down will naturally rise to the surface of the water. And just like water and gas will naturally fill any space that isn't obstructed. So, doing nothing will allow for all content to come up from the subconscious as there is no resistance.

The night before last, I woke up with sleep paralysis and from that state fell asleep into a lucid dream. Realizing that I was dreaming, I decided to experiment with self-inquiry during the dream state since the nature of being is ever-present. So, perhaps the breakthrough of enlightenment could be possible to have even in mid-sleep or it could at least give me insight as to what the dream experience shares in common with waking experience relative to being. So, I started asking myself "What's perceiving this?" Things got a little wavy and strange, but no Earth-shattering breakthroughs. But I do find it an interesting thing to experiment with because it seems like it could possibly work, and perhaps the fuzziness of the dream-state might allow for greater open-ness and receptivity. Just sharing... any thoughts?

If you have a dehydrator, you can make dried fruit without any chemicals and without losing nutrients. But the thing to watch out for is overeating on calories. Because the water is taken out of the fruit, it's quicker to eat larger amounts of calories and natural sugars. With the water, it tends to fill you up more, so you don't eat as much. And it's also hydrating. So, regular fruit is definitely a healthier option. However, there's nothing wrong with dried fruit if you've dehydrated it yourself and you don't over-eat.

It may have been a Kundalini movement or an energetic experience in general. Several times during sleep paralysis and one time after Kundalini meditation while I was sleeping, I've gotten bursts of energy running up and my spine. The last one, felt just like electricity violently moving up my spine.