Emerald

No. You misunderstood. It's okay to change this. But the way to change it is to first accept it fully as a valid part of your reality. Emotions carry wisdom with them, even the undesirable ones. So, in order to get fully past your fetish, you must paradoxically first accept it without judgement. 100% acceptance. Otherwise, you're just going to go around and around in your head trying to fix a problem that can only be fixed through deepened awareness.

Now, I can only speak from my perspective. She may be different than me. But when I like a guy enough to date him, I have to really like him. But it's not particular traits that I like about a man that makes me attracted to him. Nor is it having the highest number of good traits or anything like that. It's a lot more unquantifiable than that. A man could be Rico Suave and I could have zero interest in him. Another man could be average and light up the world for me. A man could be super intelligent, wealthy, and charming and I have no attraction to him. Another man could be average in these areas and I'm attracted to him. Certainly, particulars like these are major factors in determining whether or not to pursue an attraction. But the attraction itself is completely non-linear, non-logical, and comes basically completely out of nowhere. It's a cupid's arrow. The emotion is either there, or is not there. Given that she's already dating you, the emotion is probably there. A good litmus test is how her friends act toward you. I've noticed in myself and my female friends, women love talking to their friends about the guy that they like. It's like a favorite topic of discussion, because the emotions are very strong. Again, this may not apply to her... but most women I've met operate in this way. So, don't worry about the particulars too much, unless self-improvement is your thing. But I would suggest communicating your feelings about this to her. She will certainly pick up on the negativity and may even feel that you're not interested in her if you keep it to yourself. Be a straight shooter but also keep up an air of being unaffected by strong emotion. You can even use your honesty to create more romance and intimacy through allowing yourself to be vulnerable in her presence. Like, sit down with her, put your arms around her, tell her how amazing and beautiful she is. Subtly take the lead and create a mood that allows both of you to get very relaxed and cuddly. Then say something to the nature of "Can I be honest with you?" Make fun of yourself for being a softie, so that you seem like you're less of a softie... oddly enough, this works for remaining unafflicted by emotion because it shows that you're emotionally strong enough to engage in self-deprecating humor. Not taking yourself too seriously. Then unflinchingly and cool-headedly look her in the eyes and tell her that because she's so amazing, you don't know what she sees in you. But that you're very glad that she's yours. Short, sweet, and to the point. If the seed of attraction toward you is there in the way that I described in the first paragraph, she'll melt all over the place and this type of honesty will allow the relationship to deepen naturally. This will take away a lot of your insecurity because it will bring you and her closer together. So, you won't see her as "that amazing girl who I can't believe is giving me the time of day." You'll just see her as she is; another human being like yourself.

So, it seems to me that you believe that your emotions and attractions are 'wrong.' It's important to first accept that your emotions are valid. They are there for a valid reason. So, you can't try to get rid of an attraction through willpower and resisting the attraction. But by accepting your fetish fully, you can then start to become aware of what it gives to you. You can be objective. Maybe you feel the need to be punished by women in order to repent (religiously) so that you can feel okay with the interaction happening. So, instead of punishment from God... punishment from your partner. Or maybe, if you feel like you're being forced into the scenario, the sin isn't quite as bad because you're the reluctant one. So, the guilt isn't as strong. Or perhaps, the cuckhold fetish is there because you feel unworthy of being the subject of your own fantasy. So, you prefer to fantasize about a more "ideal" man having sex with a woman. So, try to accept yourself and all of your feelings fully. There is no emotion under the sun that comes up for no reason. There is a reason behind it, and it has nothing to do with your worth as a person. So, don't diminish being who you are, to fit the mold of being an alpha male. Alpha male is a 2-d characteristic, you are multifaceted. Your attractions don't define your worth.

I apologize for the profanity. I don't usually curse, but I thought that it would have a better effect for what I was trying to convey. I meant no offense by what I said. I basically said that you guys were both using various tactics to 'win' the interaction, and that it's a trap that I fall into a lot. But I apologize if it offended you. I was trying to make light by highlighting my own shortcomings.

That's totally me in a nutshell. I think that when I was little I was indoctrinated to think some pretty neurotic things. 1. I'm intelligent 2. Intelligence has more value than any other trait. 3. Intelligence equals good character. 4. People who are more intelligent are better and more deserving of love than unintelligent people. There are probably many other taken for granted beliefs in this mess too. But it has caused me to obsess over my intellect and be constantly unsatisfied with how much know-how that I have. But during my experiences that I mentioned earlier on the thread, these were the only times that I had no craving to pump up my intelligence in any way. It was truly liberating. I was finally satisfied.

Per the norm. But in all seriousness, I always have this underlying urge to win interactions. I will argue someone to death, and I'm pretty decent at it. (not trying to be big-headed, but I totally am). I know how to expose the weak spots in arguments while also keeping my composure and maintaining a (false) facade of good sportsmanship, humility, and non-reactivity. So, I get such strong ego-joy from tearing people's arguments to shreds and winning people over until there's nothing left. I'm like the Ted Bundy of arguing.

Haha. Let's be honest, I totally think that I won the dick measuring contest. I hope I get a trophy.

That's the tactic. It's a pretty good tactic. It's the one that I like to use when trying to win... which I find myself constantly doing. That's why I mentioned it. He's using the "I'm more self-aware than you in ways that you're not aware of" tactic and you're using the "I'm aware that I'm not aware of many things which makes me more aware... I'm not even mad at your lack of awareness" tactic. Then I come in trying to win with a "I'm so aware that I see the futility of trying to win. Then go meta on it all in the same sentence." We're all a bunch of dodo-birds.

You are kind of trying to win the interaction just as much as he is. Your tactic is just different. I'm eating popcorn right now eavesdropping on you guys. I got 5 on it!

Just thoughts and their interaction with other thoughts inexplicably being perceived. But these are more words.

No one. It is just an intentional creation of blindspots in awareness. Thoughts drowning out awareness.

I think fear and lack of acceptance. Inability to let go of cherished stories and identities... including the story relating to my two ego-transcendence experiences. Preconceived ideas about what enlightenment is based off of my memories of those experiences coupled with new second-hand knowledge that I've gleaned from Leo and various spiritual teachers. I think, I just can't let go and actually face what I am. So, I do a lot of mental masturbation and bypassing. But I'm sure I'll stop running from it eventually.

Thank you for sharing! I wish there were more extended half-day retreats. Most that I've found are complete full-day silent retreats where there is only that for 10+ days. I would love to do one like this, but with kids it's not possible for me. If they had the same thing only with half-days, this would be perfect.

Yes. It's very sneaky. Most actions that we take and thoughts we entertain are to run away from what we are, as though hounds of hell were at our heels.

At the present time, no. But I had two experiences of ego-transcendence in my past that gave me very strong glimpses of what the enlightened paradigm is like. Each lasted for several hours and were spurred on by use of an entheogen. I was able to see through the illusion of my identity completely, and I released all of my petty fears and concerns regarding the self that I was living as. I recognized that I was constantly deceiving myself, and this lying was what obscured my awareness of the wisdom that had always been there. I had always known everything that I needed to know as a human being. My fear of death went away completely and I was finally at peace with the fact that I would die one day and be forgotten, and that that's exactly what's supposed to happen. Also, I was capable of unconditional love, even of things that I didn't like and even reviled. I recognized the completeness and perfection in everything, and there was no more self-hatred or hatred of anything. My emotions played out at full stretch because I was finally allowing them and being honest about them. I felt deeper joy, sorrow, lust, and anger than I had ever allowed myself to feel. And all these emotions (positive and negative) were like watching a beautiful natural phenomenon and meant nothing about me as a person. This was a huge contrast to the numbness with which I lived my life at the time. I valued stoicism then, so emotions were not acceptable to me because of my self image. I also felt completely connected with everything in existence, and that existence was aware of me. I felt this awareness as something very self-evident. I was also able to pick up on subtler things, like the impact of the texture of the wall on the mood of the room. I was able to make connections between things happening now and larger patterns. But this wasn't in any analytical way. It was as though it was just self-evident. Also, many of the traits that I had repressed (some of them since childhood) came back into my conscious awareness because they posed no threat to my self-image. It was a complete letting go. It was heaven on Earth, and I was only looking to get high. I didn't expect to have my entire worldview and experience of reality turned on its head forever. I just wanted to see some cool colors and be like the hippies. I was only twenty and seeking a novel experience. It caused many issues in the aftermath because I didn't know what to call it or how to reconcile it with my daily life until I found Leo's videos on enlightenment which lead me to finding other resources and tools.

A lot of the language that I use is for the practical purpose of communicating. So, if I say 'ultimate truth' or 'higher nature' or anything like that, these are metaphors for practical understanding from the dualistic perspective. From the non-dual perspective, there is no ultimate truth, higher nature, lower nature, or self. There are illusions. But most people live from the dualistic (ego) perspective and communication must necessarily happen from the standpoint of duality in order for people to make meaning from words. This is why I wrote "words". They're the damndest thing.

Words

True from the ultimate perspective. But from the dualistic perspective, it is an apt description for the internal phenomenon that he was talking about. It is what's most helpful in this situation. Kind of like if you're trying to order a pizza and pizza guy says who should I deliver it to. The you say "There is no me. The person I call "I" is an illusion based in ego-consciousness." He's going to be very confused as to whom to deliver that pizza to.

Thanks. I'm glad that it was helpful. Many bloody battles were waged between my higher and lower nature to come to this understanding. hehehe.

I have sleep paralysis a lot and I've had scary things interacting with me. I find that my experiences in sleep paralysis/OBE tend to correlate to my emotional state.

Many resources say that drinking a couple cups of decaffeinated coffee daily can have positive effects on your health. So, the coffee itself isn't the problem. It is the caffeine, which can cause dehydration, heart palpitations, and irregular sleep patterns. My recommendation is to enjoy decaffeinated coffee in moderation.

Definitely allow them. Your mind is a self-correcting mechanism that is trying constantly to bring you to enlightenment. It is only ever you that gets in the way. Allow these images to be and just watch them with complete awareness. There is nothing wrong during meditation. Just be mindful of whatever is.

That's wonderful. You may have mentioned to me before, but how long have you been meditating for and how long during the day? Also, how long can you sit for and have you done any retreats?

I don't really know what my preference is anymore. It's all clouded. Sometimes I wish I could just forget everything I've ever experienced or learned about enlightenment. Life used to have a lot more direction and paths were clear. But now the water is very murky.

It is boring from ego-consciousness because it does nothing for the continuation of the ego. The ego wants to go out with a bang, so it can be remembered. It abhors death, so it devises many tactics to keep itself alive in the minds of others through uniqueness and speciality. The ego can never accept death unceremoniously and always wants to set itself apart from the rest and be exceptional. Equalization in death is terrifying to the ego. Being forgotton can't be accepted.