Emerald

It probably feels like torture because it's triggering some wounds or dredging up some shadows in you. Teal Swan's perspective on this can be incredibly helpful to you if you want to be a better lover/partner. Her perspectives on dating/sexuality/relationships (though heteronormative), are so incredibly accurate when it comes to what the average woman is really seeking in a relationship. And if you really listen, having this added perspective can only help you.

It’s biological in the sense that men generally possess a greater capacity to disconnect emotionally. Men have been wired biologically to have a greater potential to be able protect and provide through violence... which requires the ability to have distance from the emotions. The issue is when men run away into that capacity to hide from everyday interactions with their loved ones and to avoid intimacy and human connection. A healthy man is one who can use that capacity when it is needed and then be able to put his sword back in the sheath and live his life without the insecurity of needing to have his sword constantly drawn. Now, it’s certainly true that male friendships offer a special kind of intimacy. But if you can only have intimacy and authenticity in male friendships, this will tell you a lot about you and your female partner’s barriers to intimacy.

Yeah... there’s a lot male-washed feminine cultural standards of the day and of yesteryear. That way, if women use the cultural narrative to connect to their feminine power, it will still be on masculine terms. That way, society won’t fundamentally shift away from patriarchal customs and ways. Every time I’ve connected to the core of my Femininity it has always been both soft and powerful. And if everyone connected to that, society would really shift. But of course, these larger societal shifts take time. But in the meantime, there is always the potential to hold space for that energy.

No, you just said that everything that doesn’t relate to how to get your friend a gf is just philosophizing. And then I mentioned that this thread is for discussing Teal Swan’s video... which is all about women’s sexual needs in a relationship with a man from the female perspective. And that perhaps, instead of derailing the conversation about women’s sexual/relationship needs, you should create a new thread to ask for advice on how to get your friend a gf. None of that has to do with one-dimensional talk about sexuality... nor does it have to do with men wanting smart, beautiful women. It has to do with women’s desire to be in their feminine energy and feel held in a relationship... and the challenges around that.

But the thread is about Teal Swan’s video. Perhaps start another thread for that.

I have certainly heard good things about David Deida. I should check him out.

That is definitely one way. But beyond that, men often have a split between their masculine and feminine energy because of negative societal attitudes about men expressing things that are considered feminine. This includes being in touch with his emotions. So, that's the root of the problem right there. Not only does it disconnect a man from his feminine side... it also disconnects him with his masculine side... which pertains with his personal sovereignty and what he really wants because he is shifted away from his emotional core. The way this shows itself is that men will tend to cope with things through maintaining emotional distance. This extends to relationships, but is not only applicable to this area of life. I'll take my dad for example. Mind you, my dad is a very nice guy. So, not to say anything negative about him. But one thing that was always an issue is that he would often spend a lot of time disassociating once he got home... usually through zoning out in front of the TV. And this is kind of the same idea behind men who create "man caves" and stuff like that. It's seen as totally normal, but it's actually a coping mechanism where he can avoid the world. And then, in relationships, you'll find that a lot of men will want to have a little sex and then run away. There is a desire there for intimacy. But he only goes far enough to stick his dick in and then either runs away literally or figaratively through avoidant tactics in relationships. Also, if you notice on this discussion board, several men reacted to the suggestion of intimacy like a cat being thrown into bath-water. So, there's that too. But all this comes down to the way that boys are socialized to suppress their feelings and instincts and put on a culturally masculine persona. Men and boys are expected to armor themselves and never show weakness. And there's a lot of social consequences when they do. So, anything relating to softness, femininity, and intimacy will be a trigger. And there's a lot of fear of social rejection underneath all of that. So, there's a lot of uncomfortable emotions and extreme responsibilities to avoid... hence the avoidance.

I'm being 100% honest with you right now. You must understand that I've done the brunt of my inner work in relation to masculine/feminine dynamics. My desire is to get people to wake up to these polarity related issues, so that people can have a better relationship with others and with themselves. And this requires someone to get their own issues with feminine/masculine dealt with. I don't want to keep you from having success with a woman. I want to tell you that, what you might define as success with a woman isn't going to be interpreted that way by the woman, even if they've told you otherwise. For women, it's all about intimacy... even if they themselves have armored themselves to it or have tons of wounds in that areas. So, don't misconstrue my advice as advice on how to 'get' a woman. It's not that. I'm telling you what women actually need to feel good in a relationship and bond deeply with her partner. And this requires a man to be able to open up and allow for intimacy to happen. And this is something that can't be gamed. It's too close to the core of one's being. Intimacy is honest. Now, a great many men and women are too armored to actually have intimacy at this current juncture. So, the best thing you can do is to work through your own issues with intimacy, and then you'll be more likely to line up with a female partner who has also worked through her issues with intimacy to the same degree.

Exactly. It's a very different thing. But there is a reason why men (generally) would tend to misconstrue this. I just mentioned to an earlier reply about something I experienced in my Ayahuasca ceremony last year. Basically, I experienced that the masculine energy is disaligned from engagement with the feminine energy. And that this was a representation of what was happening with most men and women on Earth. The masculine is essentially disaligned from its core and has become avoidant and disassociative as a result. Men desire intimacy too, of course. It's a human need. But many men feel threatened by it. So, they will get triggered back into avoidance and disassociation if they haven't yet integrated their feminine side and worked through this collective issue in themselves.

It's not something you do for a woman. It's something you do with a woman. It's not therapy. And it's not meant to be some complicated chore. It's intimacy. It's allowing yourself to see, hear, and understand someone... while also being seen, heard, and understood. It's about really holding one another. Without intimacy, you don't actually have a relationship to the other person. All you can have is a relationship to your idea of the other person and your projections onto them. Without the capacity to have real intimacy in your friendships and relationships, you will always be alone.

You're so afraid of a woman leaving you that you let your insecurities keep you from learning how to be a better lover. Stop being needy, and you will have the strength to seek intimacy with a woman without being so afraid of abandonment.

Yeah, that's true. There's just a lot of wounds that come with the feminine territory at this juncture in human history. If a man isn't attuned to that, he'll usually inadvertently run roughshod over them because he doesn't have the firsthand experience to relate. And there's just a ton of misinformation around the romanticization of the mystique around female sexuality, and then the outright "Never listen to a woman about what she wants" thing. And on top of that women often steer clear of these wounds and ignore them because they're so intense and feel so disempowering, so they often don't know either. All of these factors make it very difficult for men and women to get the deeper and more gratifying experiences of intimacy out of sex and relationship. And things just devolve into mutual masturbation that all feels very lukewarm. And most men are seemingly pretty content with the mutual masturbation. So, it's extra frustrating from the female experience. To achieve intimacy, the desire is for the man to truly penetrate the inner feminine terrain as an internal analogue to the way a man penetrates a woman physically. This is what sexual intimacy really is between a man and a woman... a man penetrating a woman on all levels: physical, mental, and spiritual. But the issue is that that terrain has lots of collective and individual wounds in it. It's all booby trapped. (No pun intended ) So, at this current phase, achieving deep intimacy between a man and a woman is practically an Indiana-Jonesian task for the man. It's a total minefield. And it's frustrating from both sides. And that's one of the reasons why I think men in general have such an issue with avoidance and disassociation. When I was in my Ayahuasca ceremony last year, I experienced that my internal experience was a universe unto myself. And the masculine was across the room and facing away and disaligned. And I was wanting it to come and connect with me. And I was moltenly angry as there was a total powerlessness to get it to come up out of its avoidant state and to face me and enter the universe. And then, I saw in my mind's eye, all these fish. And in seeing that I realized that this is the dynamic playing out between all men and women on Earth and in the masculine and feminine sides of all people. And also that it was a general energetic problem in humanity itself.

This is totally the wrong way to think about it. It isn't about being someone's therapist. It's about intimacy... which is not possible if you're not seen, heard, and understood.

I don't have any book recommendations. But my main advice involves connecting with the subtlety of authentic masculine energy... which always comes from the inside out and not the outside in. So, the best thing a man can do is to release attachments and aversions to cultural ideas of masculinity and to dive into himself and develop what is simply there. So, it's more of a subtractive process, than it is an additive process. If a man's masculinity comes from the outside in, he will inadvertently shift himself away from his natural masculinity and it will take on a farcical and loud quality. And this "outside in" masculinity is often the thing that carries the lemon juice to women's feminine wounding because these cultural ideas around masculinity are often informed by the things that created the feminine wounding to begin with. By contrast, "Inside out" masculinity is just very authentic to the particular man. And a woman will feel into a particular man to see whether or not he is a match to her. And it's a lot more down to Earth feeling.

Does he speak any about the wounds/complications that keep a woman from aligning with her femininity? It's hard for me to imagine that a man (even David Deida) would really understand this to the point where he could guide another man through that terrain as there are so many individual and collective wounds around it. I find that many men who understand all this in theory, try to orient towards women and allow her to be in her feminine energy will tend to accidentally put lemon juice in the wounds around her femininity and she will close back up and go back into her masculine side to protect herself. I can see the problem arising where men try to be in their masculine and relating the masculine to being prickly, domineering, competitive with her, and repressive of the feminine in themselves (and as a result, others). But what's really needed is a gentle and subtle dominance... one that hits more subconsciously that comes more from the pure unconditioned energy of it. It's so much more than simply making a woman feel like a woman. It's more like making her feel like she's safe to be in her natural feminine energy around you, which is a bit more complicated.

Because women grow an attraction through thinking about and longing for the man when he is away. The story is more of a creative pursuit that inspires deeper feelings. This usually takes a bit of introspection to be able to see through the fabrication. And then even more introspection to allow that aspect of the female sexual instinct to be there and to see through it simultaneously. And the issue comes to be when you can no longer differentiate between the fairy tale and the reality and that fantasy steals you away from the reality. But story and fantasy is just part of the way the female sex drive works. That's why women will tend to read erotica as opposed to watching porn. It's all about imagining the story unfold. Like a man might imagine having sex with a woman. But a woman will imagine a bunch of scenarios that tug at her heart strings that often lead up to sex. And it feels fairytale-like from the female perspective, as it's a very blissful feeling to fall in love.

I definitely got a lot of that. I was made fun of a lot for being sensitive. Then, a lot of people would under-estimate me or try to infantilize me and let me win... low expectations because I was a little girl. And that pissed me off to no end as a child. And then, in society at large, the feminine was always lampooned in some way. Making someone act exaggeratedly feminine (male or female) was always a way to poke fun. And there was this general implication of trite-ness to those who are feminine. And there was a character trope that was really popular when I was growing up. It was the badass chick that was a very attractive tomboy. So, she was a beautiful girl on the outside but a guy on the inside... aesthetically feminine but morally masculine and implied to be superior to other girls who were feminine on the outside and feminine (in a toxic way) on the inside. And I really identified with that trope. But at the same time, I had a lot of complicated and toxic relationships with women and girls back then. I was usually the target of orchestrated emotional bullying tactics that large groups of girls my age would engage in. So, I decided as a 8 or 9 year old that I was going to be like that trope, because I hated girls back then. I wanted to be as little like them as possible. Add on top of that, that my dad is a really nice, warm-hearted guy. So, I always identified strongly with my dad and his pacifistic philosophies and ways. And I made this distinction that femininity is associated with aggressiveness and meanness and that masculinity is associated with pacifism, tolerance, and niceness. And I sought to rid myself of my femininity because I saw femininity as inherently mean, spiteful, manipulative, and aggressive. And I saw masculinity as inherently chilled out, tolerant, warm hearted, and calm. So it was a whole host of complicated relationships to girls/women who were dealing with internalized misogyny and taking that out on me that made me internalize misogyny and find more comfort in the masculine... part of which required me to toughen myself up and be non-reactive. So, I would have other children intentionally hurt me to show that I wouldn't flinch. And I became so competitive. I grew and individuated a lot as a result. But I fully left my femininity behind until I hit 20 and had my first awakening experience and realized that I had been repressing my femininity for a long time. At that point, I didn't even believe that femininity was real. I thought it was a social construct, and that masculinity was too. And I had covered over my internalized misogyny with the belief of gender being fully societally constructed. And I had covered over my hatred of women with the idea that "I love everyone." So, it got pushed down a layer. And then it sprang to the surface during the awakening. And I've been working on that issue ever since. And it came up again the other day on shrooms. And I felt so connected to my femininity and so soft. But there was a deep empowerment to it... a very queenly kind of feeling arose in me. And I didn't do any of the usual hedging that I would typically do when speaking of what I'm experiencing.

I watched this earlier. It was pretty accurate. I drank some shroom tea the other day with a friend, and it was bringing me into the emotions that I typically wouldn't be aware of. And one thing that was coming up were a bunch of realizations about how my softness and femininity (the energy, not the cultural associations) has had to be hidden because I've been subjected to and subjected myself to a lot of traumatic situations that I had to deal with all by myself without any support. And I did have to push away my femininity and flip myself into a more armored and masculine aspect of my polarity to cope with all that and still continue to grow as a person. And on top of that, there was always a subtle social subtext of society seeing femininity as less than masculinity and seeing feminine traits as trite that I adopted at a fairly young age. At around 8 or 9, I realized that my feminine interests were the laughing stock of society. So, I let a lot of things go and focused on developing my masculine side in order to get more respect and kindness from others... and it worked. So, it was just never really emotionally safe to really connect to my femininity. I never really felt supported or contained in relation to those aspects of myself. And because of this I find the idea of masculine containment both very alluring and very triggering/anxiety producing as well. Though I have worked through some of that anxiety/trauma around fears of inferiority and internalized misogyny in the past decade, there are still things to be worked through. And when I was taking the shrooms I really connected to my softness and the deeper power of my femininity. But you'd have to really find a man who is connected enough to his own feminine side and who is emotionally intelligent enough to be attuned to his partner, which is somewhat uncommon in the present because of how men are conditioned to toughen themselves up and lose sight of their emotions... also because the feminine has been viewed as lesser. Now, it is much better than that has ever been before. And it will probably get much better in the future. So, you'd have to find a man who has reconciled and integrated both his masculine and feminine polarity to really feel contained by him. Probably the majority of men still have an embattled relationship to the feminine in themselves and in others. And femininity/softness may still be regarded as flaw to get someone to improve from.

If a man doesn't understand a woman's perspective on sexuality, he won't be able to satisfy her. Period. Women are looking for intimacy in relationships, which means being seen, heard, and understood. And if a man closes his ears to how a woman orients to her own sexual/romantic feelings, then intimacy (especially sexual intimacy) with that man is simply not possible. And this leaves a woman empty handed and sex/relationship with that man becomes more of a chore as it doesn't end up giving us what motivates us towards sex and relationship to begin with. So, a man may be able to 'get' a woman by listening to other men's accounts on how to get women... but he'll only be able to satisfy himself if that's all he does. And that's fine if simply getting a woman is your agenda. If you just want to sleep with a bunch of women and engage in mutual masturbation, then you can listen to men about how to hook a woman. It's a numbers game, so you will eventually find a woman who will take you if you play the game and do so many cold approaches. But don't fool yourself into thinking that 'getting' a woman is the same thing as satisfying a woman. And you may be thinking, "Well, I slept with ______ by listening to that advice and she told me she was satisfied." It's important to understand that a woman who is desperate enough for intimacy to sleep with a guy who cold approached her, will tell that guy any sweet thing in hopes of getting him to open up. Now, I don't want to take away from any sense of efficacy you may feel in sexual situations with women. But you must understand that stroking a man's ego about his own sexual prowess is something that men appreciate so much that it is often an indirect way that women try to get more intimacy from men. And women are often unaware that they're doing that. It's usually that they're unconsciously grasping for the intimacy that feels just out of reach and they're trying to push whichever button will bring the intimacy closer.

Mild sexual attraction usually isn't enough to spark genuine interest where I want to spend more time with a guy. The interest/attraction has to grow a bit more before considering that. I would say that I'm mildly sexually attracted to about 20-30% of guys... mostly in a subconscious way that I don't think about much. This is why deeper attractions to a man usually hit me out of nowhere and seem to randomly spring up the subconscious. There are like tons of very small seeds of attraction towards 20%-30% of men that sit dormant in my subconscious, but only one of those seeds can grow at a time. And it's always surprising when something sprouts above the surface. But that low level of attraction stays mostly subconscious because it's doesn't have enough emotional intensity to grab my interest. It's like a very weak magnet, though magnetism is still there as a potential. And if asked, within a week, I could probably introspect a bit and sense whether or not that magnetism is there and/or if there's any potential for that magnetism to grow. Usually for me to be genuinely attracted to a guy in a deeper way where I would consider a partnership with him, the case would be that I see the guy in day-to-day life over the course of months. That is the thing that can water the seed of attraction that I have towards him, but it can also show me that that seed is not meant to grow. At first, there's a mild sexual attraction to him that's barely noticeable but still there. And after a few months, I'll know if that seed of mild sexual attraction blooms into a substantial holistic attraction or not. Most of the mild sexual attractions don't end up sprouting and blooming, so there is no real motive to try things out. Like I said, I'm mildly sexually attracted to a significant portion of the male population. But most of these never grow into something truly magnetic. So, I let my intuition do the sorting. But once the mild attraction begins to bud, the intensity of the attraction builds and my interest grows and grows. Then, it will usually bloom into a full-blown attraction that's so intense that I'm thinking about him all the time. So, in the sprouting/budding process is typically where I would start noticing that I'm attracted to a guy and wanting to spend more time with him. That's when I would start noticing his charm. But this is never a guarantee that it will happen. Most mild sexual attractions never go beyond the seed phase. Most seeds never grow to the point of warranting attention. That said, if I were in a space where I wanted to have a one-night stand, then I could become aroused even if the sexual attraction is mild and may never turn into anything substantial. Though these kinds of experiences don't actually give me what I'm looking for in sex (which is intimacy and connection), so I'd be unlikely to engage in one-night stands at this juncture in my life if I were to find myself single again.

If I'm sexually attracted to someone, there is a range. If I'm very attracted to that person in particular, it's like I just like being around that person and feel really good "melty" kind of emotions. I want to be close to them. If I'm mildly sexually attracted to someone, the person is relatively indifferent to me sexually. I just recognize that there's something I like about their mannerisms and looks. Now, if I'm aroused by someone, that probably means that I'm actually in an intimate setting with a person that I'm sexually attracted to. It probably means that things have begun to unfold sexually. It takes the right conditions and mindset to cross that threshold, even if I'm very sexually attracted to a guy.

Women do feel sexual attraction. But that doesn't usually directly translate to sexual arousal. I can be sexually attracted to someone, but it will take the right circumstances to reach a point of sexual arousal. Basically, attraction and arousal are two different things.

There would likely be some age related incompatibilities because of the difference in life-stage for sure. That can certainly cause some issues. I have some experience with this. My husband is 12 years older than me. The biggest age difference I've had in a partner has been 17 years. In my early 20s I used to really seek out older men to date... though I was always on high guard if they approached me as I recognized it as a red flag. I was craving a mature partner and I recognized that men who go around specifically chasing younger women are not very mature and are usually really creepy. So, I would usually do the approaching. It was fun for the time, but I was definitely with guys that were too old for me then. And I was looking for a power imbalance... mostly to be able to feel powerful myself. But there was a real double edged sword to the power I wielded over them... where their power over me was not a double edged sword. So, seeking out that age disparity, especially at a really young age isn't very wise. And I would agree that it's best to avoid deliberately seeking age disparities. It's not a very strong foundation for a compatible relationship. But I can also tell you that it's not really all that much different to be with an older man. It does make you age a bit faster in terms of the life-phase that you're in. I became a mom at 22, and my husband became a dad at 34. So, I feel like I've been in my 30s for a very long time... and I'm only 31. So, it does steal your youth a bit. But my main concern exploitation-wise, is if the younger woman (or man for that matter) isn't old enough to make informed choices about a partner and that the older partner can manipulate them. So, I put that mark at age 22 because that's the age that I consider someone fully adult enough to make informed decisions based in experience. It's also the age when the brain stops developing. That's why I chose 22, as I see that as the age of full adulthood. Thought the potential for exploitation still exists in any dynamic.

Thank you!