Emerald

Thank you. That is important to develop a good relationship to yourself, first and foremost.

Yeah, Stage Orange is really bad for that. Many of the issues of stage Orange come from atomization and disconnection. I'm looking forward to when Green brings in a more communal focus. But we're still early in Green, so I don't think communal living will come back into vogue anytime really soon. We first have to learn to co-exist without giving up ourselves. This is tricky because people haven't really learned how to do this yet on the collective level.

I'm certain that that can't be true. If her step-father was outed that way to where things were settled in court, he wouldn't be allowed within several thousand feet of any child. I would start looking for advice online about this. I'm sure that you're not the only one to have found yourself in this position. But you have to do something about this as the adult. And I understand that it might feel like betrayal to speak to her father about this. But the real betrayal would be to do nothing about it.

It is difficult to pull this off in the current structure of society unless you’re a kid in middle or high school. But this is how small villages and tribes have always been. It’s the most commonly social order that there’s been. There is a number called the Dunbar Number... which is 150. This is how many people a person can care about. So, that’s why I recommend having about 150 acquaintances... But also having even more contacts that you’re not that well acquainted with. That way you have the ability to always become better acquainted with new people which will keep your system dynamic. And then about 30 friends with 5 or so of them being very close to you. But unfortunately, our Orange social structure is very Individualistic and ambition oriented. So, most people sacrifice their social health to focus on making it in the world. But I think it’s very important to push past the path of least resistance... which currently is isolation dressed up as introversion.

Yeah, I think women are more naturally oriented to being interested in men within the context of a social matrix. But yes... it can be difficult to meet people in a small town. My recommendation is to go to online or in-person workshops, events, etc. that focus in on topics that interest you. And then meet people, get their contact information. And keep in touch here and there. It isn’t as good as existing within the same context. But it is a way to add more like-minded people to your social circle and get to know them.

You definitely don’t need a social circle to attract someone. Just go out in public for a bit, and you’ll probably be approached. Attracting a man is easy if that’s what you’re looking for. Attracting a man who is compatible and a good person will always be a gamble unless you get to know him platonically for a while first. That’s why the social circle is important for dating... among other reasons.

You’re welcome

I’m not advocating for women to act cold. In fact, warmth is a great trait all around. But I am advocating to let men do most of the courting and initiating. If a man doesn’t pursue, it means he’s probably not that into you. Either that, or that he just prefers to be the more feminine partner and that he wants the woman to shift into her masculine energy and pursue him. Which is fine for whoever wants that. It’s just not most women’s cup of tea. But good on you to send a clear message and not any pursuing further. This will help her avoid investing in a man who is not that interested and make room for a man who is and who will make the effort to court her.

It is a shame that the other staff members’ perspectives are that beating is valuable to do. In fact, there has been studies done where it was found that spanking (which I’m sure is much lighter than the beatings the students have received) is ineffective at managing discipline at best and traumatic and counterproductive at worst. That said, societies change slowly. In another generation or so, there will probably reforms. Mind you, most Southern schools in America technically still allow corporal punishment with parental consent. But it wouldn’t be used by anyone who didn’t want to be on the news for child abuse. I’m sorry that you’ve gone through this. But the best advice I can give you is that your ex-teacher needn’t play any role in your healing process. He has no power over your healing.

The key to healing from trauma doesn’t exist within the person who traumatized you. He has no power over you in that way. Trauma is something that exists within your mind/body system, and it can only be healed from within the mind/body system. Just like, if someone cut you with a knife, you don’t need the knife’s compliance to heal from the cut.

Do you really think his interpretation of the events are accurate? I have suspicions that he may be drawing the wrong conclusions about her motivations. He’s put together that interpretation based on the fact that she asked him to repeat himself and that she also happened to be an atheist. She may have genuinely been trying to understand what he was saying. But maybe she was being a bitch. I just don’t see enough evidence to come to that conclusion, if he didn’t pick up on it while it was happening. But I don’t really believe women consciously do “shit tests” in the first place. I think it’s just a sizable minority of women’s personalities that make them prone to being difficult people. And men who are trying to understand and game it, framed it as shit testing to make it make sense in their framework. And now you have a bunch of men watching for “shit tests” and over-analyzing what they imagine are women’s underlying thoughts, feelings, and motives.

I’m an introvert too. But this is what a healthy social circle looks like. I know it sounds like a lot. But you’ve all probably experienced this before in school. And it’s what was just common (especially in small towns and villages) until the recent couple of decades. It’s just that the isolating way society is structured that makes this kind of social structure a chore because you have to go out of your way for it because Orange society is socially decentralized. Luckily there is the internet where you can meet lots of people. You’re all doing it right now actually.

It’s not a fantasy. Trust me. This is just part of the way social dynamics tend to work between men and women. Men tend to fantasize about very available women. But in reality, they are much less interested in pursuing women who make themselves very available to them. Most men respond to a challenge and a bit of a chase. This requires some distance on the part of the woman. And most women make the mistake of initiating most of the conversations and investing more than he does. But a good rule of thumb as a woman is to initiate 25% of the time, but let him do the rest. He’s courting you, not the other way around.

I really think do I need to crystallize what I wrote and get my mind right about it. My intuition has never really been off. It’s just that my intuition isn’t specifically looking for a happy relationship. It’s looking for deep relationship... painful or joyful, it has no preference. It wants mostly to learn, it seems. My mind, however, is the thing that has historically lined me up to the negative experience seeking part of my intuition. And it is mostly because I have always been prone to throwing caution to the wind once I get struck by the Cupid’s Arrow. So, in a way, my intuition has always lead me to the experiences and the pain I need to learn in the context of relationships and life in general. A big part of my purpose is teaching. This was something I was shown in a plant medicine ceremony. And I have experienced quite a range of varied (mild, moderate, and severe) heartbreaks and traumas throughout my first 20 years of life. And it was clear in that revelation that this variety of trauma has been necessary for me to fulfill my purpose. And this is because I can relate to most human pain, at least a little bit. But I would like now to switch gears. I’m hoping that I’ve had enough painful relationship experiences to suffice for my own learning. And I think it wise to keep these hard-won insights in mind as opposed to doing what I have done historically. But the relationships have gotten better as time has gone on. So, I’m hoping that for the next one, it will be better still. But I’m not ready for all that yet. I still have to grieve this one fully.

You’d be best to cultivate a really wide social circle for it, with several layers. Like being familiar with 600+ people in your in-person or online vicinity, and always being open to meeting more. Having 140-150 acquaintances within that 600 that you interact with occasionally. Then having 30 or so friends that you see at least once a month and would invite to parties and get-togethers. Then having like 5 or so really close friends that you see frequently. And ideally, you find most of these people in places where people on the same wavelength spend time. That’s what a healthy dynamic social circle looks like. It’s very similar to the social circle that high school or college sets up. So, you don’t really run out of options. And people who you just met can become really close friends of yours or even lovers over relatively short periods of time.

Not totally off the mark. It’s helpful to crystallize insights this way. And I am a bit sad because I just ended my last relationship less than a month ago. And I really didn’t want to. So, this helps that way, because I don’t want to wind up in another situation again where I invest a lot of energy and love into a situation that really can’t work out. But mostly, I wanted to share this because it is a really male-dominated space with lots of distorted viewpoints about women’s sexuality floating around... including distorted viewpoints about what men want in a partner. Mostly, if you ask half the guys on here, they would give some looks-based thing. But that only attracts but never keeps a man. And these viewpoints can genuinely take a number on women’s self-esteem because most women are not perfect 10s. And this might make them more prone to letting go of boundaries and settling for incompatible/low character men because they feel inadequate. So, I wanted to give genuinely helpful advice, which focuses on inner work, firm boundaries, individuality, and the cultivation of a Yin orientation to dating.

This is more of a list of things that I've learned from making many mistakes. These are the bits of advice I would give my younger self (though I've always known about numbers 7 and 8). And they are very much good advice. I am married but have been separated for 2.5 years and we were together for 9 years. We still live together with our children. It was a really rough relationship for me for a multitude of reasons that I don't feel comfortable with discussing. I really had to grit my teeth to keep it together for as long as I did. But it's much better now that we're just co-parents. I have had a couple of long-distance relationships in the past couple years (each lasting about a year a piece), and they were both very much mirrors to me, for better or for worse. And I've learned a lot in these relationships. That's why I recommend finding a man that mirrors you. It will give you what you need to learn. The first long-distance relationship in particular was the deepest I'd ever gone with a man, but we mirrored eachother so well that we ran into eachother's traumas eventually and I became very anxious and lost my boundaries and it turned sour. Hence the focus towards working through Shadows, setting boundaries, and knowing your deal-breakers. I loved him very much but he was a perfect mirror to what I had repressed in myself. And it was an incredibly painful breakup that brought me right into some childhood trauma that I wouldn't have otherwise brought to the surface. The second relationship I had was really nice and we mirrored eachother quite a lot as well. He's a very considerate person, which is something I hadn't experienced yet. We learned a lot together. But I sadly had to end it because our visions for the future were not compatible. I'd have gladly stayed with him otherwise. I also had a really bad relationship between age 16-20, that I was in prior to meeting my husband. I had the mindset at the time that, if I love a person then I need to sacrifice all of my boundaries for them. So, yeah... you can imagine how that went. So, here is my advice. It's good advice, I promise. It comes from a lot of trial and error.

I know that it isn't so simple. This is why I didn't tell the OP to go directly to the authorities. I've been in a situation that's milder but similar in nature with a family friend who was staying at our house. And I know I wouldn't have wanted to go through court trials and all that. But because my father and stepmother knew and kicked him out, it was a one time incident. Her father or some other adult in her family should know, so that they can take her out of harm's way. She's not safe where she is right now. It's not okay to not do anything.

Who should respect her wishes? The OP? Currently, the girl wants to keep it all a secret while she's still in danger of this happening again. If her mother isn't helping her, her father needs to know so that she can be somewhere that's out of harm's way. And the OP is an adult and would be wise to inform her father of her abuse. A 32 year old should not be keeping his knowledge of the rape of a child a secret from her dad.

Her father is not the rapist, her stepfather is. It was mentioned early on in the thread that her father is a good guy who is currently unaware of the rape.

I don't do shit tests, and I don't recommend doing them. That feels too gamey to purposefully give someone a hard time just to see what they'll do. Just take your time, have clear boundaries and know who you are, what you want, and what you don't. Say "no" when you feel that it's right to say no. Say "yes" when you feel that it's right to say yes.

You're welcome

Thank you!