Emerald

Hey ?

? Being from a small redneck town where everyone knew everyone… everyone was hooking up with everyone else. And even the least socially graceful and least attractive guys that I knew were having no trouble getting girlfriends and hooking up. There was a really creepy guy that my friends and I knew back in high school that looked uncannily like a walrus. He’s probably the least attractive guy I’ve ever encountered because of his looks/personality combo. And he was still having girlfriends and hook ups…. Just because he was social. A lot of guys don’t socialize and just listen to horror stories on the internet. And you got regular guys thinking that zero women will be interested in them.

Attraction is the challenging aspect for men. Neither path is easy. But if I had to choose into a life based on who I thought had it easiER in terms of male/female dynamics, I’d choose to be male. Though, I would suspect that most men wouldn’t understand why and might even take offense to this. But let me first say, that there are a great many things about the female experience that aren’t obvious from the outside looking in. There are dynamics that you have to live in for decades to even begin to understand. And these are things I couldn’t possibly sum up in this post. But also, because men’s primary challenge is attraction… they may not understand that there are other problems that aren’t specifically attraction related… and even huge problems that come from being the pursued. For women, being able to attract comes with both blessings and curses. There’s so much objectification with all of this. Many don’t even see you as human. And many men hate you for being attractive to them. And the whole conundrum makes your sexuality complicated… it’s quite confusing. It can give you a love-hate relationship to the whole gamut of sexuality. And in the male path it is challenging to develop the skills of attraction…. but you have control over this element of your life. And I used to get very jealous that I never got to develop myself this way. There’s a lot more that women have no control over improving. Women have to die many deaths that men never have to die. Such is the seasonal and surrendering nature of the Feminine. And many women get stuck in arrested development because they don’t let themselves die enough Women are like deciduous trees. And men are like evergreen trees. And if I were to choose into life based on beauty, I am understanding with age that the deciduous life is the most beautiful because of its many deaths.

Which young women have you encountered in your personal life who are cold? Is it young women you’ve seen on the internet? Or is it young women you’ve encountered and had conversations with in real life? I look around, and I see very little difference in temperament between young people now and young people 10 years ago when I was their age. Social media makes everyone a bit more isolated. But there’s nothing in the temperament of young folks that stands out to me.

First off, being a woman simply comes with tons of options just by the nature of being a woman. So I honestly don’t think online dating has made that much of a difference in women’s standards. Attracting potential partners is mostly an issue that men have to master. While the thing women most have to master is becoming a highly intuitive sorter and selector who can accurately separate the wheat from the chaff as it pertains to who she invites into her life. And if a woman is doing online dating, this suggests to me a dearth of options in her day to day life. So the selectivity bar is probably already on the ground. Women’s primary means of finding a good partner is through intuition with face to face interaction. And there’s a zillion little micro-expressions and gestures to read off of a guy to see if he’s going to be a good fit or not. So, dating apps are terrible for this because all you’re seeing are still pictures and words on a profile. And the vibes just aren’t clear. Women need to feel the vibes to know if a guy is a real match. Otherwise she’s just making logical decisions about partners based off of “on-paper” qualities. So, online dating isn’t that good of an option for women… even though I’m sure women get more attention on dating apps than men do, as is the case in real life. But again, attraction was never a woman’s issue… sorting is.. Women actually benefit the most by having a strong social circle and meeting men through that social circle. This helps you sidestep a lot of unsafe guys… and you can see how a guy behaves in platonic scenarios. And when women have a strong social circle, they can be much more selective and find more compatible, higher quality partners by using their intuition to find men who resonate with them.

Two qualities… attunement and personal sovereignty. Attunement means to have empathy and to attune to your follower’s wants, needs, boundaries, and feelings. And it’s a personal commitment to make decisions in the favor of the greater good as a true public servant. And personal sovereignty is just like attunement… only you’re attuning to your inner world instead of attuning to the outer world. This means attuning deeply to the love in your heart and what you want…. not what the world tells you that you SHOULD want. It’s about staying rooted in your own center without outsourcing your personal authority to anyone else. This means that while many experts may serve as advisors to the king/queen… the king/queen is the only executive that gets to make decisions. And the king/queen is you. All decisions you make must be made by you… not by someone else. It’s about ALL decisions coming from the inside from the truest and most vulnerable place… and not some external set of rules or mandates… and not some other external authority figure.

Careful. If you’re successful at motivating yourself in response to trauma… then it might be difficult to heal it without totally losing your motivation. I used to unconsciously motivate myself primarily with fear of inadequacy and self-hatred. And my self-discipline was iron clad. No one I knew was as disciplined as me. Then, I became conscious of how my motives were based in shame and self-hatred… and I couldn’t do it any longer. This is especially true since healing much of the deeper issues. And my motivations totally tanked because I was used to hating myself into action and I couldn’t do it anymore. And even now (over a decade later) self-discipline is much more difficult to cultivate because I associate it with coping and shame.

I never disagreed with that. Good looks and a nice body are definitely helpful for attracting women. I was just saying that your frame from before was suggesting that men need to be some kind of Ubermensch to attract a woman. And I was saying that that isn’t true. And I’m emphasizing that in case you feel like you have to be some kind of perfect specimen to attract women… which is counterproductive thinking. Also, in your last post you framed things as men and women “settling” for mediocre partners. But I don’t just mean that women will SETTLE for you if you’re mediocre and don’t live up to that Ubermensch level. What I mean is that (even if you’re just a regular guy) the woman would PREFER you just as you are as her number one choice, simply because you are you and you’re who she likes. Also, a lot of the guys you listed as being attractive are a bit questionable in my eyes.

For over-25s…. Looking for sex and intimacy… and as a way to temporarily get rid of loneliness. For under-25s and late bloomers… as a way to gain experience. And for young guys in particular and guys/women who have self-esteem issues, it tends to be about status and validation seeking.

You don’t have to be a Superman to get a girlfriend… and the requirements are even less for hook-ups. Just be social in general and if you’re a regular guy that doesn’t come off as unsafe, you’ll meet women who are interested in you. I’m originally from a little redneck town where there are lots of little social circles. And even the least attractive and most nerdy guys in my social circles got hook-ups and girlfriends before they left their teens.

I’d wager to you that women’s standards are about the same as they’ve ever been. And honestly, I am surprised that cold approach on the streets works at all. Before I knew it was a thing and I would get cold approached, I was always wondering if cold approachers on the street ever had any success at all. The thing that’s different here is that people are so online that they don’t build healthy social circles. This is where natural attractions can bloom… and most women prefer this warmer and more organic style of attraction. So, why would a woman who already has her eyes set on Dave from next door, go for some random street approach guy? It must happen sometimes. But I never understood it. That said, I can see going to clubs and finding someone there, because that’s the setting where hook ups happen. But you should be aware that most women aren’t going to give the time of day to a guy on the street because those types of approaches happen all the time. Day game from guys is kind of like spam in your inbox or the perfume sales people at the mall… you’re probably not going to trust it or take it that seriously because you realize that you’re just part of a numbers game and that you’re being sold something.

That’s true. Lots of people doubt that the opposite sex is capable of love. And the reason they doubt is because it is what they fear… being unlovable. And it puts external reasoning onto their pre-existing feelings of shame and unlovability. Also, because there is mystery in knowing how women function from the perspective of men… and how men function from the perspective of women… we project our fears of confirmation of unlovability onto that mystery. For women, it’s something like “Men are not capable of love and are only interested in appearance. And once I age and/or lose my beauty, I will lose my utility to them and they will leave me for a more attractive woman.” For men, it’s something like, “Women are not capable of love and are only interested in money and status. Women will pretend to love you for their own Machiavellian reasons, but will leave you for men who are more masculine or higher status.” And because there are people who exist who will actually do these things, it can be registered as further evidence that love from the opposite sex is an impossibility.

Women and men are both capable of love. But that isn’t just according to me. It’s just true. At our very core, we ARE love.

The truth is that both men and women are human beings capable of both positive and negative actions. And some people are more trustworthy than others. And this is true in any group in similar measure. So these narratives that frame women as cold heartless monsters that chew up the hearts of men is a false narrative that’s simply intended to demonize women and amplify men’s insecurity and anger. And it paints a good guys vs bad guys narrative where men are the good guys and women are the bad guys. And this soothes and vindicates men… whilst also creating deeper problems for them that will bite them later on down the line.

Do you really think that there are scads of women lined up to be with a guy who has 19 other girlfriends? A woman would have to be very insecure to put up with this. And the vast majority of women aren’t that insecure. Most women are monogamously oriented and want to be a guy’s only partner. And even polyamorous women wouldn’t be cool with this dynamic because it’s so lopsided.

Online dating is probably a factor in this as well, if the statistics in the OP are correct. It’s the lack of real social interaction that comes from dating apps and everything being so heavily online. But my point still stands that tons of men get influenced by the Red Pill stuff in anti-social directions online that are a detriment to their chances with women.

Yes, exactly. That’s why I prefaced my first post that I have difficulties believing these statistics. There’s so much propaganda out there to amplify men’s insecurities and then sell them ineffective solutions to it. And these narratives frame women as cold heartless monsters that love nothing more than to eat the hearts of men. And this amplifies men’s natural insecurities about dating and relationships to a fever pitch.

But according to the post, it’s not women who are dealing with the singleness problem. It’s men who are dealing with the singleness problem. And you can’t go looking outward to someone else to solve your own problem. The problem with these male grievance narratives is that they frame men as the victims of their circumstances. And they tell men it’s all women’s fault that they’re single, so that they don’t have to work on themselves. “Its not my own thing that I need to work on… it’s those terrible Feminists that brainwash women into not liking me” or ”It’s not my own thing that I need to work on… it’s that women’s standards are too high.” or even ”It’s not my own thing that I need to work on… it’s that women in the West have too many rights.” And this is soothing to these men’s insecurities. But it keeps them in victim’s mentality and always looking outward to blame someone. And that whole victim dynamic is going to scare most women off. But they’re never aware because it’s a silent rejection where most women will just keep away. Be careful with victim’s mentality.

The Red Pill/manosphere did have its seeds in the original insecurity that men naturally have around dating. And it grew into something that amplifies that insecurity tenfold by creating common narratives that FEEL validating but are actually deeply disempowering to men. But yes, online dating certainly amplifies the issue.

The biggest difference between men in my generation (30s) and men in this new generation (20s) is that there are way more propaganda pipelines that are designed to suck them in and prey off their shame and insecurities about women. According to the post, things were about even 10 years ago when men my age were in their early 20s… but now there’s a huge disparity. And if I assume these statistics to be true, then the main thing that I can pinpoint is that there’s a lot more internet traps for men to fall into. One would be not socializing and just being on the internet all the time. The other is falling into unhealthy counterproductive echo chambers that froth up men’s anger and insecurities and blame it all on women… which puts them in victim’s mentality about women. And this victim’s mentality shows and is unattractive and even repellent to women.

I didn’t say it was men’s fault. It’s the opposite actually. I’m saying that men have fallen victim to predatory grifters and entrepreneurs who siphon money from vulnerable men who are often inexperienced and insecure. The manosphere is basically a huge community of people who are dealing with shame… where men who feel insecure and lonely come to communally complain about their issues and to engage their shame, fear, and anger by directing it toward women as a scapegoat. And grifters see dollar signs and a desperate target market that can be exploited. And they create narratives that are simultaneously threatening and comforting/validating to that target audience. So their echo chambers are where these men go for advice. Then, when that advice doesn’t work (and it’s designed purposely to NOT work) and the men get rejected, they return to that echo chamber to grouse about women to self soothe. So it creates an addictive cycle where the place that causes the pain is also the place that soothes the pain. Hate groups and cults tend to employ similar tactics. And when they’re there, advice is sold to them in the form of courses and seminars as a helper to attract women… whilst simultaneously giving them false narratives about women (who are framed as heartless monsters) that froth them into an insecure ragefilled person. And this attitude is something that women have experienced many times before. So, most women will avoid these men once they catch a whiff of it as it isn’t a healthy secure form of masculinity. But this is actually the intention of these predatory entrepreneurs. If men are less lonely, then they don’t have a target audience to exploit and sell products and services to.

Not according to the statistics stated in the post. The post states that 10 years ago there was relative parity in singleness between men and women.

It’s a bit difficult to believe these stats. But perhaps more women are dating other women or non-binary people… or older men… or are involved in polyamorous relationships. Or perhaps women are more likely to label their relationships as relationships, where men might want to avoid seeing their relationship as a relationship to avoid feelings of obligation. But I suspect that a lot of the Andrew Tate, Red Pill, manosphere stuff has created a lot of this singleness problem for young men where they end up developing mindsets and narratives that are untenable for developing healthy relationships… and chasing away potential mates using the methods that “experts” tell them to use to attract potential mates.

This isn’t something that can be emulated or pretended to. It’s a practice that requires LOTS of practice. And being able to practice it wisely, comes from the awareness that arises from the direct experience of Oneness and unconditional love as the core nature of all things… and seeing firsthand how that seemingly contradictory reality coexists with the (often brutal) practical realities of living a separate human life. Had I not had these experiences and had I not had a decades long practice of unconditional love and had I not grappled with the paradoxical realities of separation and oneness… then I probably would still struggle to implement this well. And without that lived wisdom, I might push myself into self-sacrifice and codependency. But I’m now as anchored in my sovereignty as ever before and as unconditionally loving as I have ever before been. Sovereignty-wise, I’m pretty rock solid about what I feel and what I want without having to outsource my decision making to others. I hold much less of an illusion that absolute authority can be found outside of myself in other people. That’s taken a while to ferment. But I only really got clear about holding space for this paradox of boundaries and oneness 7 or 8 years ago. I had my first awakening 13 years ago where I recognized the oneness of all things. And afterwards, I foolishly sought to rid myself of all boundaries and tried to live my life impractically… to try to re-access that state. And I would think that, in order to achieve such a state of oneness… what would stop me from walking into traffic? And I was baffled by how to maintain oneness whilst not throwing myself into the meat grinder. I had no idea how to hold space for both truths and how to navigate paradigms. I first decided to be unconditionally accepting 21 years ago when I was 12. And I ran into so many codependency/self-sacrifice traps because I didn’t know the first thing about what that even meant. I was just trying to emulate the IDEA of what Christ and the Buddha were doing so that I could build an identity of it. I had no idea about God, love, and oneness. All I could do was emulate the behavior… but I had no access to the levels of consciousness needed to actually practice unconditional love. Then at age 20, I awoke to the oneness and the unconditional love for the first time. And I saw that there was no distinction between my inner world and the outer world. And I saw that any sense of separation I seemed to have with the rest of reality was an illusion. But I was not yet wise enough to understand how to integrate that insight. So, it took me until I was 26 to build out my mental framework to become mutiperspectival. And I spent about 3 years of that time under the impression that I needed to supplant the practical truths of day to day living for the spiritual truths. And then, in that 7-8 years there’s been a deepening of authority that I’ve been tapping into… because I am more anchored in Self and Oneness… which are one and the same. And from that, there is a recognition that failing to revere others is also a failure to revere myself... and vice versa. So, to practice conditional respect would diminish me in so many ways. And I see this self-diminishing in people who have a policy of conditional respect… especially those who take that as a matter of pride.

My suspicion is that cuckold fantasies come from shame and feelings of unworthiness and undesirability. So, if a guy feels such extreme shame that he can’t imagine the woman being attracted to him… or if he gets disgusted by his own presence in his own sexual fantasies…. Then cuckold fantasies are a way for him to participate in the sexual fantasies and to see the woman having a good time with another man… because he can’t imagine the woman having a good time with him. And also because he has trouble getting aroused by the thought of himself engaging in sex. So, inserting another man who he sees as more desirable to the woman, helps him experience the pleasure of the situation vicariously. And it also activates his shame, so it is a way for him to simultaneously wallow in the shame… which is a kind of self-harm type of release where he gets to surrender to and be overwhelmed by his shame. That’s what I suspect.