lostmedstudent

From a very young age, i wanted to be famous. I wanted to be on TV and become a celebrity to get the attention. I told my parents i wanted to be an actress (not that i was into acting, i just want fame), they slammed that idea down. Then over the years, i Put that thought aside and did other stuff with my life (school). But deep down, i still have this desire to have the attention and approval with a fan base. Back in 2013, when Vine was famous, i was really jealous of the teens who rose to fame in a few months. I wanted to do something like that , but i was too shy and self conscious to post vines. I follow a lot of creators on Youtube who grew a successful channel from nothing and it inspired me to do that too. Ive always enjoyed taking pictures and filming things or myself, so i thought this would be a good way to unleash my creativity and maybe become famous. In the past few years, i struggled a lot with the desire of being famous and the harsh reality. Only a handful few will stand out , and tbh, im not talented in those areas. I didnt put in the time and energy to master the art of YouTube or content creation, so i posted very few videos in the past few years. But i feel like im always daydreaming about my channel getting lucky somehow and me getting famous. I have a fulfilling career (being a doctor) ahead of me, but a part me doesnt want to let go of the idea of being famous. I just want it so bad. Recently, i thought of maybe using TikTok as a way to get attention, and yesterday i tried it out. it consumed all of my energy and i got nowhere. By the end of the day, it left me feeling unproductive, depressed and pretty hopeless. Not to mention, i am currently studying for an exam, So its some time that could be better spent. I just feel really lost guys... ive struggled with this desire ever since i can remember. Is this an authentic manifestation of who i am , or is this some needy parts i need to do shadow work on? A part of me doesnt want to just "forget about it and move on". But another part of me does forget about it when life is going well.

@The Monk i think there are a few things here. like others have said 1. dont feel ashamed or scared of what happened. it happened and that is it. you dont have to hate that part of yourself. by hating it, you dont make it disappear. 2. the fact that you despise is so much could mean you need some shadow work, like @Rilles said. 3. i think its normal that we get turned on by different things. theres no right or wrong thing that arouses us. as far as your concern for pedophilia, did you read the DSM V diagnostic criteria? i will DM you and you can read and see if it fits you overall i think its more of a fixation that you have on the idea that you might have it, and you hate that idea. it could be compulsive thinking. again ill send you the DSM diagnostic criteria for OCD i think you are fine. you have to understand that by hating it or not wanting it , it doesnt make it disappear. you have to accept that part of yourself and understand where its roots are.

@Nahm why did you ask that question? what is the point you are trying to make?

You cannot. How you feel is as true as it gets. But then what to do about that ?!?

thanks so much for everyones input i pondered about my conflictual feelings further and i came up with the following points 1. i want to create something out of my life, have fun creating it, and be known for it. i envy and look up to youtubers who have their own little community, not super famous, but with enough audience and support to know what their doing is meaningful. So theres a part of me who wants to create my highest self. this means it takes time and energy. 2. i have a rewarding career of becoming a family doctor. i cannot say i am profoundly passionate about it because i wanted to become a psychiatrist. unfortunately, i did not match in psychiatry (it was a very competitive process). i matched in family medicine and had to face a lot of rejection , it was a brutal 5 months period, where i worked hard on my file (CV, extracurriculars, spent 100s of hours drafting my motivation letter), then i got rejected by 10 programs even before the interview, travelled across the country to attend 10 interviews, and ended up in my 7th choice. it was a big slap in the face. it was the shittiest feeling ive ever felt. its the one thing where i can proudly say i work my ass off for, and i only get this one shot to choose my specialty. i am still recovering psychologically from this huge "relative" failure. i have a few options ahead of me. i could try to match in psychiatry again (chances are slimmer), or i could accept and move on. so far i have tried to accept to move on, but i dont feel happy. but deciding to try again means i have to pour all my energy and time into it. 3. i have both endeavours. but i dont know what i really want and how much i want it. both takes tremendous amount of time and effort to achieve, i dont know which one to pick, or how to balance both. a lot of my resentment towards medicine these days simply come from the fact that the system beat me to the ground. i did not get what i wanted out of it. while i dont hate family medicine, i just dont feel good about having to do something because my first choice didnt take me. so @Nahm, i think dreamboard is great, i will start it . also @mmKay life purpose course is good. contemplation, meditation, psychedelics all will help me. but ALL OF THOSE THINGS TAKE TIME, how do i do all of those things, do i want too much!??!?!?

thank you for sharing. just beautiful

@Chakra Lion thank you

@mmKay i appreciate your food for thoughts its a great idea , i will purchase the life purpose course! how long did it take you to finish the course? also what did it do for you? did you have an unexpected career change afterwards ?

= self actualization = spirituality = the lifelong journey we are in

yes. but in the sense that the book would be successful, and i would have achieved something out of it. the fact that millions of people bought it is the approval i want i guess. but it would appeal more to me if i became famous along the way i feel like i need some sort of reaction from the outside world to know what im doing is worthy.

yeah i could. i did a little bit but at the same time i dont have that much interest in telling medical stuff. but its a good idea, i could use it as a leverage of sort .

@mmKay yes i thought about this. I asked myself if i would be happy if i were famous and i knew the answer is no, if i think fame is what i need to be happy, i would be wrong. What i need is approval. Doing something then having others peopl approval make the thing im doing seem more worthwhile and valuable. I have watched that video of Leos , it was very eye opening. More practically, what i understand is theres no right or wrong way to do it. The key is the same as to everything else: contemplation, mindfulness and psychedelics to burn through the karma and do shadow work? thanks everyone for the inputs

But how do i do that without giving up my more realistic career path ? Like it would have to be a side hussle , i cant let go of one branch without knowing where to grasp after . ?

i dont think so.... @Leo Gura and many others didnt end up hospitalized in psych ward....

@dimitriumm interesting ya i see what you mean. im here and im asking : well what happens when i get THERE ??!?!? its kinda silly. once i get THERE, it all makes sense

yeah that doesnt sit well with me, because i feel like i might as well go do that if i enter that state of consciousness. what prevents me right now is my moral values and fear..

thank you @GabeN when i hear such realizations, i cant help but to wonder what, then, prevents you from going out and hurting or killing other people, or yourself, if this is just all a dream and you won't die? its something that im not able to grasp with a sober mind.

ok silly question but when you are in the mindset of "i am the only one here" or "what is the point of LP", what prevents you from going on the streets and kill everyone? if theres no more morality?!

I will be moving in with my BF in a month. We have been dating for almost 3 years, and always lived apart. I have always lived with my parents (who give me a lot of space at home). do you guys have any advice for people who are going to move in together for the first time? Anything you wish you knew back then? What are some of the biggest changes/challenges in your relationship as a result of moving in? What are some of the best things you find about living with a SO? How do you make sure both people get some "me time". We are both introverted, and need alone time once in a while. Thank y'alll!

@Serotoninluv nice <3

Hey guys. I did it during my run today. It definitely feels good when people smile back. However, to smile doesnt come natural to me. I feel like when i spot someone in the distance, i have to build up the courage to smile. Why is that ? Its so simple, why do i feel shy about it ?

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here is what you need to know 1. dont ever go back. block him EVERYWHERE if needed 2. you will feel better, you wont be depressed forever 3. time is your best friend. time will heal 4. yes you will find someone else who is better 5. never go back to that person 6. stay strong NOW or you will be in hell forever

do you have any hobbies that could help you relax? maybe music, painting, things like that ? any motivation to do that ? you are doing amazing to be where you are. and you are exactly where you need to be ! this work is not for the fainted hearts! the hell will pass, just like the clouds!! be kind to yourself, do something enjoyable, fun, clear your mind for a bit and come back to it when you feel ready ! sending lots of love to you !!!!

@billiesimon sorry to hear about it! I think its quite normal to have ego backlashes after such profound experiences . I hope you can embrace it! You will grow stronger and more loving than ever after this ego backlash <3 what kind of SW do you do ? Any techniques ?