lostmedstudent

@ivankiss i dont think i went much down the rabbit hole. the idea of enlightenment was so appealing to me, along with the use of psychedelics as aid. the thought alone was motivating for me to pursue that "state". i used to read breakthrough trip reports on this website and my mind would be filled with love and excitement to experience all of "nothingness", "oneness", the absolute, the god etc for myself. but everything was conceptual, everything was a fantasy because i had no idea what nothingness really meant. i never thought the road can be horrifying. i knew it was hard but i thought the achievement would be love and bliss instead of terror. so i tried mushrooms, and i took too much of it. and i was sent to a place that my body and mind was not ready for. i felt like stuck in thoughts the whole trip. my mind was racing to different places and theres an awareness that was FREAKING OUT. i panicked and panicked and ended up in an ambulance . it was so twisted i hardly got anything out of it. was just so glad it was over. that was back in april. life then went on and i got no lingering effects from that trip whatsoever, until this : https://www.actualized.org/insights/total-omniscience-awakening that video hit me hard. because the mushroom opened my mind and made me experience what reaching enlightenment could feel and how horrifying that could be for my ego. so my body and mind start to panic. it was scary but almost addicting for have that sense of fear. once the fear subsides, i look a bit forward to the next one because i can sense a bigger force behind the fear, i can feel that breaking the fear will open more doors for me, but as the fear runs through me, i am never able to let myself go and lean in to it because i dont want to find out that this is all imagination. yet i do want to find out. maybe this is just another story i tell myself. maybe i have NO IDEA still what it feels like , and i just freak myself out because my ego doesnt want to experience the bad trip again. thank you for your reply! it was very helpful

Thank you for the post.. on any other day this post would have made me feel so peaceful and loving , but today it made me freak out. ever since I watched the video on Leo blog “total omniscience”, I’ve been feeling th come up of a panic attack that subsides. When leo spoke about what reality was, and how we imagined and created everything, it took me right back to that bad mushroom trip and I started to panick. It’s like a part of me deeply refuses to accept that this is imagining. the idea that I IMAGINED everything and nothing exist drives me to existential terror and psychotic breakdown (the verge of). Those were ideas that I used to love to ponder. But maybe th e bad trip made me realize perhaps I don’t want to know the truth . I just feel terror instead of curiosity or love. What do you think it’s happening?why this massive resistance to the Truth. Why this terror like never before? What you spoke of was so beautiful, but I had to even close my eyes half way through, felt my heart beat fast and mind going fuzzzy. I had the summer ahead of me to experiment more psychedelics yet here I am being terrified to find out more. What should I do now? Get on with life , confront this terror? It all started with that mushroom trip. But that terror did not get awaken until I watched Leo’s video on total omniscience. Thank you for your advice. I posted it here because your post has elicited similar feelings in me as did the video.

Awesome! where was this workshop? I am interested in attending something similar!

@Rigel my recent bad trip felt very similar to what you described... i felt i was suck in the racing mind forever,like as if i died and was stuck forever in "purgatory". nothing seemed to exist except me being stuck in it. it was so horrible i think i ended up passing out... totally know what you mean. i wasnt ready for that shroom..

@ajasatya thank you my question was more about where and the different retreats centres like the retreat centres that you’ve been to

I read many posts about people’s experiences in ayahuasca retreats. I became very interested and I was thinking a thread with a list of different retreats and maybe a link to their website would be nice for people who are looking for different options but don’t know where/which one to go to. So if you have had a positive experience, please name the retreat name, the country, and maybe a brief review if possible! Thanks in advance for you input!

That’s really an interesting quote

@Leo Gura so any successful monogamous marriage require suppressing many instinctual desires. In a way forcing oneself to be loving and loyal? Thats really sad reality

@Leo Gura why did you say that monogamy is supposed to fail by design?

@kieranperez same

agreed with zzzz. i am a medical student in canada. i will be graduating next year. when i applied to medical school, i definitely had similar intentions of "accomplishing big things" in society, the desire to get that status and power as a doctor. but also the desire to help people and treat diseases. i dont think thats a bad reason. in fact it motivated me so much that i worked really hard and got what i want. now 4 years later, i realized that having that title of a doctor doesnt make me happy forever. i was over the moon, proud, happy, even arrogant for being in medical school for so many years, but eventually that feeling wore off and i am back at the beginning: is this my life purpose? is this the career i really wanted? i started to consider factors that i never thought of before.. so my advice to you for now is to keep that door open. meaning: try to do well in school, so that you have the grades to get in medical school if that ends up being what you want. meanwhile outside of school, try to shadow doctors, do volunteers works in hospitals, get some experience in healthcare settings, get involved in research, so that you can have a bit of an idea whether this is what you imagined it to be or not at all. just explore the profession, email people, get in contact with people, and you will get a lot real life experiences that will be helpful in making up your mind. the most important thing for sure is then to explore and get to know YOURSELF. why do you want to become a doctor? what is your life purpose? what do you want to do? of course those questions cant be answered overnight which is why while you look for the answer, you gotta play society's game and make sure you do well academically to have that doctor route as a possibility.

@Leo Gura in the video, you also mentioned that EVENTUALLY everything goes to nirvana, its just a matter of how long. so that means there's no such thing as hell where you are stuck forever..? there's no consequence of doing "good deeds" or "bad deeds" because eventually we all end up merging with god?

@Leo Gura hi leo do you do pickups these days ?

Hi is anyone going to the breaking conventions psychedelics scientific conference in New York City this fall? i am also looking for a place to stay. Hit me up if you are from NYC. not sure where to put in the forum this topic.

@winterknight hi, i think this quote described my situation well: the more you search for spiritual development, the more selfcentered you become.. and i think this has been happening to me... i find myself filled with selfish thoughts and wanting to keep spiritual enligntenment to myself that I don’t master the even basic emotions. I struggle with jealousy and self-esteem. what would be your advice for me? What do you think was the trap in my pursuit... having a strong ego backlash period right now.. thank you

from as young as i remember, i drew a big line between myself / my family and the OTHERS when it comes to money. i used to steal my grandparents' money and buy things to share with my friends, while being careful/cherish my parents' money because i considered it MINE. its really fucked up i know, but i can't even tell you why i was behaving that way. i also did not like lending money to people, even if someone borrowed 50 cents from me, i would make sure i get it back. i was selfish in other areas too, just wanting the best for myself and such, but money is the really the one that stands out. I am not as cheap or fucked up as to steal other people's money these days, but i still am really cheap. For example, if people owed me money , even if it's just, i would remember it and try to remind them multiple times to get it back. if we are a big group and all pitching in to buy things for a big trip or when i go on a trip with a big group, where the spending isn't EXACTLY equally divided and it would really bother me to know that i spent more money than some other people in the group. I don't really want to spend less than others but i just really WANT to make SURE things are equally divided.. so what is the problem? the problem is that i know i am cheap and selfish, and it's causing me a lot of distress. Distress on one hand and i am constantly focusing on making sure financial wise its ALL EQUAL between my friends and I when we go out, distress when it comes to finances with my boyfriend, and on the other hand, the conflictual distress because I DONT WANT to feel distressed and be bothered by these issues with money. i don't understand why i place so much importance on money and making sure its allllll equal. it's like a mind game that i am playing with MYSELF. here is an example of what has been happening in my relationship due to my cheap and selfish mindset: i am a full time student with no income and my boyfriend has a full time job and a very good salary. so in my head i am EXPECTING him to pay more than i do in a relationship, and when i say expect, i am KEEPING TRACK in my head... its almost creepy. so i feel good when that does happen, and whenever i feel like we are being "too equal", then i start to feel jealous, or anxious, or distressed ( i cannot even name the kind of emotions i am feeling). i start to feel like its unfair because he makes way more money than me. then i FEEL FUCKED UP AND BAD for feeling that way. and I don't talk to my boyfriend about it because i am ashamed of feeling that way. i am ashamed of that cheap personality. it goes beyond that too, i even "keep track" that he spends more time with me at my parents' place where we cook feasts for him every week , and so deep down i have some expectations for some financial returns in some way to equal things out... for example i would think, ok then he should pay more when we go out for movies, or when we go out for supper, or this and that. it goes in a subconscious way but i am noticing the links through meditation that this is what my mind is doing... i dont know where to start. it has repetitively made me feel bad and him feeling confused , and i was never able to fully disclose the reason of my discontentment, i think i do mention it , but it seems sugar coated and disguised in different ways every time. honestly i dont know how to talk about this with my boyfriend. i dont even know what i am feeling. its a manifestation of extreme selfishness, and i dont know how to work on it. i think it's starting to really hurt my relationship in a way that i am being dishonest about certain feelings. i dont know how to accept it or what to do.. thanks for giving me some advice! cheers

Yes you are correct then in that sense... i don’t love my boyfriend unconditionally.. I am in the process of learning what it means to love and how to love beyond just the « for my own benefit ». How do I stop micro managing people a?☹️

@LaraGreenbridge yes that is totally right! No one talks about it. It feels awkward and shameful to say your views on money. I should have a discussion and open up to my boyfriend about my views. Yeah i can sort of tell from which parent I got this relationship with money from.. I do want to change this habit because money breaks families and I can see how the bad seeds are starting to grow already in me and my relationship . That is a good question. I’ve looked at it before and I realized many others things trigger the same anxious distressed feelings I have the same way money does - and all of those things are what I believe I (and only I) deserve. If ever I don’t get those things, or that someone else also wants /got those things, I would feel it’s unfair or jealous, even though it is perfectly fair.. thank you for reading. Do you have any books that you recommend in terms of dealing with money? take care

@DrewNows could you give more details on what you mean by this ? As in focus less on money? Think about what money means to me?

@Good-boy thanks ???

@7thLetter i will ! thanks a lot

@CreamCat

@DrewNows yes i would love to read about that , please share

@lostmedstudent @universe nothing is worth fussing over for the amount of money that is in question in my situation. its NEVER a big amounts of money. infact i tend to not get involved and let go pretty easily when it comes to big money involved in family heritage and stuff.. i can not give a flyiing coconut about those but when its little amounts every day life stuff, i get caught up. its really hard to answer the question how much the relationship is worth .. i seem to measure the value of my relationship and my boyfriend based off how much benefits (financial or emotional or physical) it has brought to ME. i dont think i love anyone unconditionally. he is a really great person but i dont love him unconditionally and i am trying to "step pass" that. i am trying to drop my expectations and experience true love, but there are money obstacles -______- that must be true. although i think i can act generous. i always make sure things are equal and that i contribute equally.. but it has to come from a genuine place, i think forcing myself to be generous when i dont solve the selfishness issue is just gonna make me suffer more... i am living above my means for sure. i am spoiled by my parents, i live in their house and they pay everything for me because i am still in school. so its not my boyfriend who is changing my living standards, we dont have a lot of expenses between the 2 of us, just going out to suppers, trips, and stuff like that. so as you can see, we are talking about very little amounts of money here,,, nothing aboout life and death. i cannot imagine how bad it will be once we both have jobs and get married and have to figure those stuff out.. thank you so much for your answer

Yes, i have noticed that inner conflict as well. it manifests itself outwardly too, as i "make" myself unhappy or look sad sometimes for getting what i wanted because i didn't want to come off as someone who enjoys getting financial advantages even though i am that someone.. i realized i was doing this all along yesterday and it really made me utterly lost and confused: like WHY in the world do i fake to fake to fake.. you know what i mean? there are just so many layers of fakeness that im totally mindfucked by myself, so i dont know where to start to break this FAKENESS! thats what ive been telling myself. right now im living off COMPLETELY off my parents' money, student loan, so i keep telling myself that once i start making my own money, ill be less selfish.. but thats just another excuse. i am sure it is possible to be less selfish and more chill with money even wwith my situation right here right now. even though i am living off someone else's money. is it possible to elaborate this one? i got a bit lost in the allegory . i KNOW i should help others, i should care less about myself and create values for the greater community, but i havent found a practical way to do so. in the day to day life, what can i do? be more open and accepting of my cheapness? or "force" myself to do goods i.e. paying in situations where i dont want to, and catch the self that doesnt want to pay/contribute, and be aware and try to figure out why dont i want to pay? i dont think i see my boyfriend as a frenemy... i think my relationship with him is quite good and open... but i did not fully open up to him about this matter, like i said its difficult to expose the evil side of me, i dont know how to do it thank you so much for your help