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Everything posted by Kimka

  1. I understand that. I feel very unhealthy. I guess I’m allowing it because I’m also toxic in some way. I try to realize this during my trips, maybe I should up my dosage. my dream would be to explore the world. I would love to own a van and travel alot with my little dog. I just want to feel freedom. I want to heal my traumas, meet amazing likeminded people and enjoy my lifep
  2. Thanks for your empathy and kindness. Like I said in my previous post I feel so ashamed about all this. So it means a lot. I’m already very codependent. My biggest wish would be for him to see his toxic behavior. He told me like 2 years before we met he had a trip that changed his life. He took 5 tabs of acid and understood all the harm that he caused and realized he was a drug addict and he quit everything. He tells me know he’s substance abuse is “under control” but to me it sounds like denial. He’s also scared of tripping to often, while I like it a lot because I get more perspectives and self awareness, even though it can be hard to realize toxic shit about yourself I want to strive to become better so it’s worth it to me. The sad thing is that he’s too caught up in all these conspiracy theories when we trip. I think it’s a distraction from his own toxicity. So he projects it to “the Jews“ and “the elites”, instead of looking at his own shit. Do you think psychedelics could help? Any particular substance or dosage?
  3. Thank you for your empathy and kind words. It really means a lot since I already feel a lot of shame for getting myself into this messy situation. I try to tell myself that I’m exactly where I need to be in order to develop my character. To become stronger and learn not to be so naive in the future. I think this is a lesson for me but a really hard one. But there’s a reason why this all happened.
  4. If I’m gonna be honest your reactions made me very emotional. I feel so fucking stuck in this relationship and I can’t talk to anybody because I moved far away from my family and friends to be with this guy and I barely talked to them because they are disappointed in me for getting back with him after breaking up. I thought that was a great idea. The thing is he was everything I was looking for in the beginning. Felt like my perfect match but the more I get to know him, the worse I feel. Everyone I know including his own family says he’s toxic and possibly mentally ill. I don’t wanna say narcissist because that term gets thrown round a lot, but he has those kind of tendencies, also like BPD. His role models are people like hitler, the una bomber, Andrew tate, dictators in general. He believes they know the truth because they don’t care, like him. I hate these people, they don’t inspire me what so ever. He also believes in all the conspiracy theories and believes that the Jews are pure evil(I know we can’t discuss this in the forum that’s not my intention, I just mentioned it so you get the picture of the kind of person I’m talking about, he is very red/orange and a bit blue in his personality) I used to believe some conspiracies as well but thank gos I started to question some of that bullshit. He believes he knows the truth because of this lol Before I met him a had a really good life. Good habits. Economy. Relationships. Health. Honestly everything has gotten down the drain. I’m so drained and can’t think clearly anymore. But the worst thing is that I feel sorry for him that he’s so fucked up. I’m the typical people pleaser, sensitive, introvert and pretty easy to manipulate I figured because I tend to try see the best in everybody. Why the fuck can’t I just leave😫😫😫😫 I’m in a victim mindset I believe.
  5. Me and my bf tripped on acid and we had this really wierd experience of instantly recognizing each other while peaking. We both just knew like this is not the first time we did this even though it was. It was like both of us knew exactly what the other one was thinking. Because he could say something I was thinking and vice versa. When I recognized him I didn’t say anything and he was just like “yeah I know what you know” I feel that we have a deep connection and been through a lot together but I never experienced this during a trip with someone else. Not on this level. It was like we were the same or whatever. I don’t know if anyone of you have had this kind of experience while tripping with a friend, so, etc. why does this happen? Is it just our relationship being amplified by the psychedelic or can you recognize someone from a past life etc. I’m curious what perspectives you have
  6. I tried to give my dogs vegetarian dog food and they all had Such bad diarrhea, shitting +5 times a day and drank so much water:( now they eat meat, fish, organs and I throw in some vegetables, fruits and eggs sometimes.
  7. Yey this makes me excited for my upcoming trips!!
  8. That’s really interesting actually. But I dont have that kind of knowledge and I don’t really strive to become a yogi but I still think it’s really cool that it’s possible for people: thank you😊🙏
  9. Yes I agree. It’s supposed to be a space free of judgement and I think to be spiritually developed is to include all kinds of people. But I won’t be going back there anymore. I have done stupid shit like that also while being plant based, the juicing, detoxing etc. I also have a history of eating disorders in my teens. But when I got older I’ve focused on eating high quality food and minimal processed food, so I want to avoid soy, wheat, oils etc. I feel better eating animal products, it’s feels like I’m getting more calories and nutrients, I’ve been supplementing with some organ meats and I feel great on it. But I was curious about what you guys think if you become less conscious just because you eat meat. But I don’t think so since I actually feel better.
  10. Lol I agree so thank you:D I also recently found out that the guy secretly eats meat sometimes(they’re a couple) but won’t admit it because his wife is hardcore vegan. But I had that feeling that they are in this spiritual matrix you might call it, that you must dress, eat, be a certain way to be so called “spiritual” or “high conscious” I actually find that I feel better eating red meat. I think it’s because of my condition and maybe having some deficiencies. I had no period, irregular ovulation, super bad PMS(I’m generally a very calm person and I’ve never had this problem before and it affected my relationship ofc) and everything has improved for me. I also live on the countryside so I’ve access to good quality meat, eggs, raw dairy from local farmers which I want to support. I’ve met the cows and chickens also to see how their living conditions are because I still want to cause as little suffering as possible. But I like to eat high quality food, I cook and bake mostly from scratch because I really enjoy it, it’s like a hobby for me. I want to avoid processed foods and oils and I had a hard time getting enough calories and/or nutrients just eating fruit and veggies. Felt like I had to eat all day:( I took some lsd like a month after I started to eat animal products and I realized that I don’t feel bad about it. I tend to be a perfectionist and highly moral in my behavior, so sometimes I need to remind myself that morality like you said is really more of a wet fantasy I have in my mind
  11. The more you try to inflate your ego the more other people will try to deflate it The more you deflate your ego the more other people will try to inflate it Humility is power