Kimka

I’ve experimented a lot with diets during my life. I was a vegetarian for 12 years(or really vegetarian 6 years, then vegan for 4 years then back to vegetarian for 2 years) I stopped eating meat for ethical reasons. I started doing yoga at a young age and my teacher was vegetarian and explained about how it’s better for your health and “spiritual hygiene”. But after a couple of years I started to feel bad and had a lot of hormonal issues that I never had before. I talked to a fertility coach who explained that 90% of her clients with these types of issues ate a plant based diet. I was resistant at first because I’ve been eating this way for a long time, but It got so bad that I had to give it a chance. And my hormones are so much better, these issues are now gone. what confuses me is that it seems people with higher consciousness(stage green or higher) eats a plant based diet. I’ve been to a psychedelic retreat multiple times and they also say it’s bad to eat meat before the trip because of the bad energy, and they’ve expressed disappointment for me for eating meat again. Is it impossible to be highly conscious and eating meat? Because it’s technically morally wrong? Excuse me if my English is not perfect. It’s not my native language

One of my first breakthrough on acid was the realization that nothing really matters in life. I can totally get that while tripping but it’s harder when when you have time processing that my bf says that he’s awake because he knows this. And he doesn’t care about, almost anything. He’s shooting cocaine, ketamine(he has ODed), doing crack, smoking weed, daily, but says he doesn’t have a problem, because nothing matters. It’s just for fun. He know what he’s doing... life is just all a game. I get that, but at the same time if nothing matters then why bother? Why not just die then? I’m a rookie when it comes to psychedelics, but I want to explore more. My bf doesn’t like to trip anymore, he is more experienced then me but says it messes you up and he don’t like that, he already know the truth there is and he’s just been to deep into the rabbit hole. He can never become happy like he used to because he know too much. I think this is somehow bs. He just wants to do mostly hard drugs and smoke weed, drink booze, all these low consciousness activities really that I hate(except smoking weed and special k) which doesn’t appeal to me at all. I enjoy ketamine but in a normal dose and not shooting it.

I’m not sure if you’re being serious or sarcastic? it can be pretty confusing at times. But seems like this relationship is making me realize things that was previously very much unconscious to me.

Thank you❤️

Good point. I told him this. Mind you we were on acid when he told me that nothing matters. He told me that nothing matters except from one thing, and that is love. He told me that he is love. That I am love. We are made of the same, that why we have to be together. It was a really beautiful experience at the time. But if I’m gonna be honest I’m cringing a bit right now.

Well yeah technically???

Yes I really appreciate all the consideration people here have it warms my heart. But I wrote in one post that it that be difficult to just leave because we’ve been together for 5 years, have 3 dogs together, a house. So it’s real difficult. but it’s also super difficult to discuss things with him, he gets very defensive and doesn’t see a problem. Except when he’s on coke, he gets like super calm and really listens to me. But when he sober he can make fun of me and my concerns I expressed to him. Really wierd I know. I just wish he could see how his actions are hurting me and us.

I’m trying to do this, get to the root cause. Otherwise I know I will get in another toxic situation.

First of all thank you for all the time and energy you take to write these posts. I think I was to adjust some things to this game plan. The thing is we’ve been a couple for 5 years. We have 3 dogs and a house together that I would deeply miss. I have all of his friends and family on social media. Last time we separated I moved in with my parents and if I would leave that’s where I would go and he knows them and knows where they live, If he wanted to get a hold of me. Our lives are very intertwined. His family has actually been really great to be. He has a complicated relationship to them. He hates his mom but her and I have a great relationship and she has been there for me. She even told me she will help me if I decide to leave him. I hope to find a good therapist as well, I really need it. Thank you for all the support❤️??

I wanted to go to therapy, I got a letter for my anppointment and my bf was like why do you need a therapist? They just want you to feel bad so they can take your money, I client that feels good is a lost client??‍♀️ so I try to journal out my feelings. I also spend time alone in nature. When I leave I think I will go to therapy to process all this. This post is just the tip of the iceberg of everything going on. thank you❤️

I had my mind blown today. I don’t have a therapist but I enjoy writing so I journal a lot. I have this ritual that when I have full written journal, I go through it to read all it, to get like another perspective. Then I throw it in the fireplace to keep my privacy. I did this today. I started this journal like 9-10 months ago, and the things I wrote about today was some childhood stuff. When I began to read what I was feeling in my adult relationship, it was almost identical to how I felt as a child. Both in my relationship and my childhood I felt I can never be myself, or else I’m rejected. I have to make sure that my parent/partner is taken care of, and it’s more important than myself. When I was a child my parents drank alot and were having fights, screaming and stuff, and I was the mediator between them, so they both came to me complaining about their problems. I tried to solve them even though a child that age don’t understand relationship and the problems that can come with it. Our brains are so fragile. I was like maybe 8 years old when it started. My younger sibling were always very distressed about this situation so I was busy taking care of her needs. I never showed my emotion or that this bothered me. I just shut down. I notice I do the same with my boyfriend. My father even told me I act like a mother in my relationship. I was always the “easy child” who never bothered, very mature for my age. Yeah no wonder, cause I was raised to act like like a parent to my parents and my younger sibling. Nobody gave a fuck about me and my feelings. So I attracted a person who makes me feel the same in adulthood as a did a child. I started to google some of this behavior and apparently it’s called parentification when caregivers and children switch roles. And it’s common to get into these abusive relationships as an adult because parentification is a form of emotional abuse. Because your parents were emotionally immature I have a partner that’s the same. This is not like an excuse or anything. I just wanted to share because I really got awareness today of all this. Psychology is interesting and an amazing tool. therapy might be good for a neutral perpective.

Yeah I know lol. He’s pretty close minded

That’s very interesting

I’ve thought about this. i have my car so I’m just gonna pack some things and leave maybe when he’s at work. I guess there’s no point to break up with him in person? im actually turning 30 next year? no, I want to have a family on my own but now with this guy under these conditions.

Yes. Boundaries are so important, especially stuff like this because it gets you it to trouble when you don’t have any. Me starting to get aware of these things helps me bring them up to the surface. When I met him a couple of years ago I was blind to all of this. So I see it as a good sign. Trying to be able to self reflect and not get defensive

It’s a pride thing for me too. My family and friends saw the red flags pretty early and been telling me this guy is no good but I didn’t believe them. I recently started to see it because it became so obvious. So I feel it’s hard for me to admit that they were right. It was never going to last. I wanted to prove them wrong. But honestly, my family is great and I believe they would be really happy to have me back in their life, they even expressed that, that they miss me. I think in some bizarre way, some of my needs are being fulfilled in this relationship. I feel special because I told myself our history and connection we have is unique and I can’t let that go to waste. I invested so much. I think I’m afraid to be alone with my negative thoughts about myself. A relationship is like a conformation that at least somebody wants you.

I know this deep down. I know I’m destroying myself for this love. He is a copy of his father who was a heroin addict for his whole adult life and passed away pretty young. They both look alike and behave alike. My bf basically tried all drugs except heroin, and that would definitely be his downfall. I know it’s likely he will go down the same path as his father, especially if I leave him. His family told me I’m his first normal girlfriend. I don’t know why, but I’m afraid he will think of me as a bad person if I leave him. Like I wasn’t loyal enough to stay. Because I preached to him a lot about true love, and that you fight for someone you love and don’t give up. I believe this because my parents have the most amazing marriage and are still happy and in love after 30+ years and I wanted to have that. But I guess not with him. I almost tried it all and I don’t wanna be miserable anymore. I hope I will have the courage to just get out. I know now I have to, to save myself.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ it feels comforting to think this way when you go through dark times. Gotta keep that good energy and good things will come?

Yeah he has all kinds of issues so I think his way of thinking is a distraction from the things he doesn’t want to deal with. I really want to believe in purpose, and that things matter, It’s just up to each and everyone to define what does matter. I can think of many things ❤️??

Yes this is exactly what he would need. I also wanted to try 5 Meo and watched leos videos about it but it seems impossible to get at least in my country:( Really hope to experience this someday I know he could resonate with some of it, but as soon someone challenges his believes and narratives he gets super defensive and just start hating them(like he does with the jews) he really needs a wake up call

I have been on this kind of track to figure out what he means by his believes. I’ve watched both of these episodes and I even found a thread here in the forum were they discussed zen devilry and Leo had described it in one post, and printed it and send it to my bf and he was like yeah that’s exactly what I am. Proudly. I told him I don’t think this is something to be proud about. thank you for helping me clearing this up and understand this concept more. I’ve always had kind of a bad feeling about all of this and I’m slowly beginning to get why. I think I’ll rewatch these videos since it was some time ago to refresh my memory.

Yes it’s like a paradox?

Oh how I love this visual. I can really picture this. Just feeling the cool fresh breeze of newness and freedom. Out in nature all the time, my favorite place. This is my dream. Also leading some new skills along the way. Maybe take up a new language. And surfing, skydiving, skating, going on adventures, experiencing new cultures and people. I think I want this because my future self already have it???

This is so true. I love this??

Yes we are basically complete opposites. This attitude is exactly why his life is like this I believe. I do think stuff matters. Creating a meaningful life with loving relationships. Being a good person. His philosophy is that you can do whatever you want as long as you’re not hurting anybody but his abuse is hurting me, his family, my family. And his hurting himself. He doesn’t believe in therapy. He believes everything mainstream is shit. That they don’t care about helping him and just want his money. Therapy for him is doing drugs. I think there is a major difference in doing hard drugs vs psychedelics. Sure you can abuse psychedelics as well as an escape from real life. It really helps to write all of this and hear your perspectives. This has been going on for so long that I normalized this. I think I’m dissociating a lot as well in my daily life. All of you think it sounds insane, and writing all of this, I have to agree. Im gonna try to take care of myself, heal my traumas and start over.