Milos Uzelac

I procrastinate writing in this journal but I feel it has become must in order to get overthinking,mental masturbation and most importantly my victim identity thinking at least out of my system.I was awake at 7:00am after a night of sexual fantasies about girls from my former class. Its weird that Im still partially obsessed by some of them probably due to serious repression of my feelings and of events from that period of my life. Im struggling still with accepting and letting go of those events. Im trying to avoid having fantasises and thinking about sex even when Im alone and going to sleep. I have become aware that Im using those fantasises as comfort and hiding from true feelings of love which I was to afraid and selfish to express. It's numbing me of emotions and trapping me in passive acceptance of my flaws and sufferings. I did meditate almost every time before I went to sleep for 40 minutes or more(I was sleeping in a room with my aunts husband so I couldn't set an alarm in fear of not waking him up also it was pitch black in night so I did it in secret after he would fall asleep) for about a week now. I have task of meditating at least 30 minutes to 1 hour in the morning because Im only getting results this way. I meditate at night for a similar period of time in order not to succumb to that which I have written above. 30/8/2017 Day 1 7:00-7:30-Vipassana, trying to become more aware of body sensations and to get a taste of "presence" and calmness of the mind. I felt that I could of gotten really calm and energized with love if I didn't chicken out at the sound and image in my head of my aunts husband entering the room and sticked to the end of the hour and half quota that I set on my alarm. He didn't even enter the room and I realized that I succumbed to the egos fear of being caught meditating( I still haven't honestly expressed that Im trying to build this habit in the morning to my loved ones and have fear of disturbing them if I would do so). I realized that deliberately missed a great opportunity to be truly present and then energized for the day since after that I went sleeping till 12:00 am. Im aware that this habit is now crucial for my development since Im sleeping in frequently when I want to have time to read books and maybe even study in advance for the faculty but most importantly start caring and interacting to my family and even friends. The thing Im really glad about is start to realize to scale of my self deception in order to protect my identity and ego. I must start writing more at least to get my fears and delusions out of my mind. Thanks in advance for reading and supporting.

Will have to start doing it I as separate Self-Actualization Journal on this forum. Thanks man ?

Thanks for setting apart to explain this to me and reply. Haven't watched her videos before will check those two.Thanks again ?

I feel stupid posting this and I hessiated posting a trivial personal problem such as this , but I dont know how to solve this issue. I have been slacking off on doing vypassana longer sits on my since I havent planned on external circumstances and people that would inhibit me in setting aside 1-2 hours a day to do SDS. But when I started again, apart from having usual mental chatter and images, I started drooling from my mouth and would fall down on my back unconsciously after 40 minutes. I had a sort of a catharsis few weeks ago when I wept after siting for a longer period, but couldnt get any solid insight for why I was weeping. But since then it was just mental masturbation for 40 minutes.My aim is to be able to do shadow work with this since I have suppressed a lot of my problems and sins towards others and my self. I want to get a catharsis on all these suppressed feeling and then act on them towards others that I hurt. So not to bore with this, my question is what do I need to do to improve my sitting perserverance,durability. Should I do samatha breathing concentration before I sit longer or should try to split vypassana sits during the day. Also what are the best schedules for meditation apart from periods when I know nobody will call me or distract me. Early in the morning or before bedtime? Thanks to all setting the time to reply and read this.

I feel that there is a must now in my life about starting this journal if didnt I dont think I would be able to overcome it or continue coping with it my entire life. I started being terribly insecure and auto-destructive with my habits when I went to 1st grade of high school. I have until now been able to auto-correct certain habits and not succumb to addictions (such as pornography,idle watching of various youtube videos and playing video games). However I havent been able to conquer my depression,insecurity,social anxiety,unlogical neurosis,anti-rational behaviours and now after I turned 19 years and got into state-budget financing in the Philosophical Faculty at the University of Belgrade as sociology student I feel like I wont be able to graduate from it and will be at the mercy of others and life if I dont overcome these neurosis. I currently have a blockade in my mind to write more and to set goals and tasks in this journal so I will live this as first entry and will add more when I again feel the need. Thank you all who support me in advance I will try to do the same for you as well when I can offer advice. Final Note: I will unveil and conquer my inner nemesis and demons that have been plaguing and fooling me all this time! This is the path towards inner peace,love and freedom. I will awaken the Sleeping God within that is my mission.

Super bas mi je drago. Nego mogu li da te pitam da li postoje ili da li se organizuju vypassana odmaralista kod vas posto sam primetio da su Hrvatskoj na primer (barem meni deluje mozda gresim) ljudi dosta otvoreniji i zainteresovaniji za meditaciju,jogu i za ostalu istočnjačku praksu. Hvala unapred na odgovoru.Puno pozdrava

Yeah thanks a lot for the advice about schedule and the insight about mindfulness during the meditation. I would also like to go on a vypassana retreat outdoors to try out what your saying for myself but I currently havent found any organization for such retreats currently in Serbia (my country). Suppose I might try that solo if see an oportuinity during my holiday. Anyways thanks again for the advice.

Hvala! Thank you will try out with this advice in the future. If I can only ask if are you from any ex-Yugoslav country in the Balkan Peninsula, so to have an easier communication in the future. Again thanks for the advice!

Hey thanks for this, gave me an idea me to use this forum also as meditation diary rather than to write it in a notebook after I meditate.

Hey thanks for this post really needed it in this moment of time, randomly stubbled on to it while trying to find something that would help me in purifying certain blocked emotions. Im going to try the same pattern you followed since I have been focusing too much vypassana SDS and it didn't allow me to release certain emotions that I suppressed. Unfortunately I never experienced nor read anything similar so I don't know what's the case. Thanks for the post ??

Thanks for submitting this, needed this straight forward descripition . I will check this book out

Thanks man ?

I couldnt sleep yesterday so I decided to do a Strong Determination siting( I didnt set an alarm(big mistake, I had forgotten) but I think I was siting for about an hour and ten minutes by the looks of my clock) I started reciting in my headI want to die in my and be absorped by life,and had these messiah complex mental images that Im kissing and in love with beatles,bugs,animals and objects also I was thinkig about how Jesus could have embraced all his suffering and still be in love with the world(was neuroticly trying to do the same in my head).So I want to ask in what measure is this egoic,delussional and how do I overcome it (or embrace it) and pass through it as mental distractions in my next longer sit.My goal is to be able to sit for 2 hours. Also this was the first time that when I sat lotus position my legs were almost immediately "woken up" and that I was waking regulary right after I got up.So I want to ask is this the always case after you sit regulary in this position after some time?

No you posted useful information, Thanks ? good to know about the flexibility(its a neat ability ?)will keep that in mind in my practice.

Blood wasnt running through them,didnt feel my nerves.But when i got up it was like an instant blood flow to them,and I could walk easily(it takes me 10-15 seconds to waćk properly after i get up).I Dont know how else to explain this(really uneducated in terms of biology,medicine),but a lot of these things are subjective,so it sounds absurd.?

I was in a moment at that time(but there wasnt a true lift there was still hidden messy images and talks at the back of my mind),but now im back into regular mind,emotion,image gibberish.Anyways thank you for this,but I think you must be for all people when you are in the flow

Thanks Leo,will take this advice to heart and practice

Thanks for the insightful tip.I will investigate and learn more about the mysticism traditions within Orthodox tradition during my summer off.

How do I commnicate(better said explain,justify) to other people that meditation will help them immensely and that I am doing this work because it will make me a better person and that it will help me with my goals in Life(which I have to yet deeply rexamine).I live in a foreign country(Serbia) and I have a fear simply directing people to Leo's channel beacuse its on english and even though many people here easily understand it (but still a lot of them dont) I have doubt that they will wont take the information the right way and dismiss me and it as my thougts(waste of time,irrelevant,crazy,stupid).The videos are long(they have to be) and I dont know how many people here will even consider watching one if I direct them as help to an issue they have(beacuse I have a limiting belief(doubt) that they will dismiss it on sight and call it bs).Im a fearful when it comes to telling people that Im doing this and ashamed that I cant explain(even tell) that meditation will help them with their issues(I dont know how to specify in what why exactly,will it for a example ease thier insomnia,anger or anxiety).I want to be open and more direct to the world that Im doing this for my wellbeing and advise them to do the same for thiers,but its the shyness,right words,doubts and stepping out of the norm that im afraid of.This is really limiting me to be more dedicated to this and I would really appreacite a response or an advice of how you people who dedicate thier lives to this announced and explained to the world why are you doing this and stayed firm in position to others of the benefits that it has for you and will have.I know I may have to face mockery and crazy labeling(or am I thinking to negatively) but how do you say this openly to a rigid or uninformed people. How do you say it openly and with what words,stay true to this and embrace it whatever the circumstances.Thanks in advance, I know im too fearful and thought centered that I will have to work on myself so I can be more open about this to others.

Im amazed and yet at the same time thankful for the cool-headed,quick,down to earth(I dont know if I am using the correct methapors) insightful responses.Thanks a lot Leo for setting the time of to read and respond, and to the experienced members of the community.Felt kindness,astonishment and care by them.

Serbia,Belgrade,Zemun Greetings to all who are from countries of former Yugoslavia .We should get in contact and form a subcommunity on this channel. Also organize some live meetings in the future

Just wanted to ask is this a symptom of suppressed emotions (crying),dishonesty about my personality in social situations (palm sweating) and in case of drooling primal instincts that are deeply embedded subconsciously in me that I am denying or do my eyes tear up and sting because I am unable to look and focus on one dot in my room for more than 25 to 30 min Also can someone give me any advice how to improve this technique so can I stop blinking compulsively during the session and after my eyes start stinging so I can maintain focus on the object or do I just ignore this and do it until my eyes develop a resistance to it. Thank you in advance