Milos Uzelac

I had this manic fit (I would describe it as such from what I experienced laughing, spasming my body parts, etc.) just now when I regretted spending some time and writing something on this forum, which I deemed as a distraction tonight and procrastination on concentrating on writing a short essay and later a longer analysis work which deadlines in 10 days. If I don't finish I can't take the exam for that subject. However, this has been a recurring problem and these manic fits would occur usually after I would feel depressed and had negative thought patterns about the future during the day or when I regretted masturbating to pornography and numbing my brain of anxious thoughts when I had study commitments or study work for test or exams and judged myself for it. They would usually come about at night time when I don't feel tired to sleep right away and would be triggered when thinking about the unproductivity and my inefficiency in studying speed during the day for a certain deadline or exam and uncertainty about the future of struggling and dragging with education and prospects for a career in teaching which is my current (personally assessed)realistic vision for myself in the future, given what I partially committed myself in specializing for the future. I meditated for 20 minutes just now and the self-hatred imaginations in my head of harming my body were the recurring thought patterns and they were pretty hard to let go. I should have noted, before writing that I have been taking anti-depressants dosages on and off since I spent a part of my adolescent years (from when I was 19 to 21 years old) visiting a mental health institution on and off (the devilry was I procrastinated on student work back when I was 19 and in order to stay a state-financed student I choose to sort of fake of how badly depressed I really was in order to get the psychiatrist assessment which I used as a medical justification to retain my privilege as a student financed by the state in the next two semesters). This in turn since I haven't by then fixed my procrastination, distraction, pornography addictions by then and during that next year led to me getting in an on and off states of depression and these manic fits afterward, which in turn led me to go have appointments with that psychiatrists over the course of one and half year (primarily coerced by my family because of my isolate and anti-social behavior) and was prescribed anti-depressants and anti-anxiolytic (Xanax by Pfizer) which I didn't take consistently out fear of not getting addicted to them, mess up my brain chemistry too much and to try to overcome these problems solely by meditation, incorporating some physical activities as a daily exercise and overcoming by developing a disciplined and consistent study pattern and achieving results by passing exams with an acceptable grade for me in the middle. So this have been on and off patterns of behavior and thoughts that lead to this manic fits, usually characterized by 1. having the need to do quick contortions of the body (usually the neck and back) due to feeling physiologically and mentally uncomfortable with my current activity or state of being 2. sort of a neurotic unintentional shadow-boxing with my arms and contortions with my legs when also feeling uncomfortable 3. having the need to shake my entire body like I am having an epileptic attack when I have negative thought patterns (usually of harming the body) to relieve the discomfort and psychological pain 4. Grining to myself in the mirror, to contort my face muscles and my neck muscles when I feel bad about myself or bad about what I have done, to ease off and distract myself from negative thought patterns 5. Walking in circles to ease my anxiety when I have an anxious thought pattern about the future 6. Gripping and positioning fingers on my hand in a sort of a puppeteer or possessive like shape, like I am having a mini-spasm in them. I am kind uninspired right now and can't remember whatever physical manifestations in the display when I fall into this mood. I will add them in the edit. I would appreciate if I could get advice on what I should do, I did daily meditation, for now, these couple of days for about twenty minutes but again I always feel tense and have these hard to let go thought patterns of trying to predict future world outcomes and uncertainty about my own future. I' ve been having this problem for about a year now on and off and I am guilty of not dealing with, asking for advice, sharing it earlier on the forum when these fits occurred in the past or for not doing enough dedicated and set aside consciousness work on it from the material advice on Leo's channel and website and let it instead fester and reoccur over this period of time by being distracted and succumbing to pleasure via entertainment, video games or porn, constraining and hurting other areas of my life like the pursuit of intimate relationships. Thank you if you read all of this and set aside to reply and help with advice of what I should do to start fixing and letting go of this and to overcome it eventually, sorry for the messy wording and sentencing, I am going to sleep soon (it's am in my timezone) and wanted to write this from my head and memory as quickly as possible in order to finish some commitments and do some chores tomorrow in time.

@AleksM Thanks, for finishing the written summary and also summarising it in a nice way for readability on 8 pages. I'll keep that in mind if I attempt posting something here in the future, unfortunately, I went into a lazy slob, distraction stimulation mode afterward, fell into some heavy self-induced emotional and life purpose problems, and couldn't will myself to finish it. So thanks for stepping up and doing the committed work to finish it, and share it for all of us that can really have an opportunity to benefit from it, in this format apart from watching the series.

Interesting video I found on her channel I found I thought I'd share it:

Video Summary of the Actualized org video: Life Advice for Young People part I, by Leo Gura uploaded May 4th I will edit this thread for the literal messy transcript/summaries of the Advice for Young people Part One uploaded on May 4th by Leo. For now, I will attach a word file of the first 20 minutes transcript/summary of the video that I watched tonight and I would greatly appreciate advice and guidelines how to correct, polish or shorten the present summary so it can be read comprehensively ( I admit I wasted some few hours on it while watching the video) and how to complete the rest of the key transcript lessons summaries of the rest of the two-hour video before I plan to post it here. Thanks to anyone for setting the time off for advice on possible corrections of the current summary in terms of style, keynotes, and overall readability. Video Transcript Summary, Life advice for young people, part I by Leo Gura, Actualized org May 4th.docx

Dead End for now - I Will explain and write tomorrow for me.

I will start writing out the details of my personal state and how I got where I am, honestly as possible, I intuit for my own sake. After I googled some definitions of the word scratch that I used in the title of this journal, some interesting usages came up in context's that I think aptly reflect my current position in regards to the country which I live in, the rest of the world system and other people competing with each other close to my age and generation. scratch used as an adjective in a sentence and in that context often has a meaning of (there are of course other meanings and definitions depending on the context of the theme or story in which it is used in this form): the quality of being assembled or made from whatever is available, and therefore unlikely to be of the highest quality. (also as well (of a sports competitor or event) with no handicap given) scratch used as a noun in a sentence and in that context often has a meaning of (lat. ibid. , meaning the same as something aforementioned in the same context): the starting point in a handicap for a competitor receiving no odds

@The observer Thanks a lot for the provided explanation aThis explained a lot about the deeper origins of my night-time sex fantasy urges and impulses, which arise when I am stressed out and anxious during the night and unable to sleep. Thanks for the observation and explanation of the most likely logical, personal sex, and intimate relationship deprivation origin for them. They are basically a neurophysiological and psychological crutch mechanism for hyper stress and sexual deprivation of longer alienating periods of social isolation for me most likely, in order to get a quick releivance from the anxiety over the events of the next day, escapism for life area work requiremnets and unpleasant, uncomfortable and trying long sequence of experiences for my ego that will lead up what it takes to facilitate and earn the trust of an intimate contact with another human being and near future, my subconscious mind retains and keeps these uncertain future sexual encounters as hardwired fantasies which are hard to let go (and to remember myself to let them go) and also as a result of filling the gaping emptiness within with any imagined human sexual contact from a current lack of giving and receiving love from someone my age. You outlined this very nicely for intake and reminding oneself of what one really desires.

Biggest Fears and Resistance's that came up during this morning's 20 breath-focused attempted meditation: Future imagined suffering and daily hardships in a probable low wage and toxic culture work environment where I would feel lonely and isolated - since I am now going to lose my state-financed student privilege along with it my deceased mother's pension benefits, which kept me for working and allowed me just to coast on being a disciplined and committed student (of passing the necessary exam quota's in order to keep being financed by the state and keep these pension benefits) which was the only secondary source of income apart from my father's hard work (I worry also a lot that he is slowly getting too old (58 years old), unhealthier physically (a bit obese) and more neurotic and oversensitive and handicapped psychologically for stress tolerance and the workloads he has taken upon him self at the private foreign language school as teacher of basics in English and German (often strong anger and stress outburst directed towards me if I made mistake with a chore or my perceived state of passivity, inaction, fatalism and depression during the pandemic crisis peek here and my confused state about my plans and actions for the future now). The fear and doubt is that he can't keep being the sole breadwinner anymore in the upcoming months or few years (depending), and my fear and dread is that while I was procrastinating and avoiding this possible future with distractions, fantasizing, entertainment and pleasure on and off while not being consistent in building a work discipline, tests, and risks with some work experience (as a bartender for example once) to toughen for tough times or securing through the necessary exam quota the family pension through the state-financed status, that burden will fall solely on my shoulders to work and provide for us two (my father might though soon receive a sort of retirement family pension guarantee, we will have to see it's still in the not known) - and that I am grossly unprepared both mentally and physically for that radical change of life experience, style, and organization requirements of working low wage physically and mental concentration and focus demanding job and being able to have the willpower, discipline and organization to study and go to faculty as well. These are my fears of the imagined closed future and regrets for the constant ignoring and my distraction with entertainment, escape to a fantasy land (living soon in Canada, YT) to avoid it and accept the difficulties and change required for it in order to keep the lifestyle at my apartment that I have. -I will see to correct this Grammarly and write it more coherently, I have written this in a hurry to write out my repetitive thought patterns of worry and fear of the drastically perceived life future that keep coming up when I sit down to meditate in the morning. The Canada travel thing not happening anywhere in the near future, that I am just fantasizing and getting confirmation bias by my father who is fantasizing of retiring there as well. being alien and isolated from my own's country's culture, values, and worldviews imagined and expected fear of that close uncertain work environment and disciplined life organizing future, that paralyzes me to plan ahead for actions and to keep in mind, staying focused and concentrated on daily habits (that are in the present, regarding studying and helping other people and accomplishing tasks of favors family and other people asked me to do) of commitments I had planned in advance thought patterns of anxiety and fear over the radical requirement and sacrifice of reorganizing and disciplining my life and mind in the unknown workspace and the fear of the time spent there fitting in and being able to have basic solidarity with colleagues thought patterns of deep hatred and dismissiveness towards the culture and people in this country and where I will maybe be working (very patriarchal, order and command-oriented, judgemental, oriented towards physical strength, brash, etc. I know a lot of people who are very kind, nice and forgiving of employee mistakes, but I am projecting the worst-case scenarios which I fear I might encounter and experience for a long period in the future physical labor workplace) fears over possible mistakes (I am not very physically skillful, concentrated, and precise and I am kinda clumsy and slow to respond with my movements) I will be making and the different sleep schedules I will be needing for a physically demanding work environment. I have written this to get out all the thoughts and fear-based feelings that have been plaguing me and kept coming up during my meditation and in my daily thinking and assessment about my near (I expect) future.

5/18/2020 Prelude: I've haven't been able to fall asleep during the whole night-time. I couldn't let go of overthinking, analyzing, and overstressing about my personal future. Spent almost all the time lying in bed Note: (Not important to read this in point, my grim and pessimistic speculations) trying to predict how will events unfold and where is the country that I currently live in the heading, given the generalized attitudes and the past behavior patterns of the population and the megalomaniac ambitions of the dictator in chief and his loyal sycophants (I have/had a relatively constant doubtful feeling I am not projecting on to them and that they are awaiting more opportune moments of global instability and crises to shift and slowly solidify and secure for the future eastern geopolitical bloc (i.e. PRC and Russia) way of governance in this country and that their purchasing of weapons from Russia and Belorussia, their ramping up the of the military industry, the edging on from the Orthodox Church regime loyal ecclesiarchy on Serb orthodox believer majority in a neighboring Balkan country to protest and undermine their independent government's policies there (an example of an attempt of Montenegrin government of getting the churches there that belong as part of the property of the Orthodox Churches of Serbia to pay taxes) etc. That all this combined with this president's ambition and vision to be a Putinesque figure in the Balkans led's me to fear that in the time of general global instability that war may very likely outbreak here in a couple of years or a decade (most likely over the disputed region of Kosovo) when other conflicts sparked by this globally characterized instability with steady and advancing a partition of the globe, between spheres of influence of the emerging and slowly expansionist imperialist force of China and the nuclear arms and surface to air missile producer and stronghold and "atavistic in cultural values" Russia and the U.S. and other Western powers will be more and more untenable, it seems to me like Orwell's vision of three superpowers Oceania (the U.S. with its maritime global patrolling Navy that secures international maritime trade routes), Eurasia and Eastasia (as the continental Heartland powers) spheres of influence (with Serbia becoming a Chinese and Russian military and continental energy supply and trade route asset) over the world are slowly coming to fruition with each passing year and will eventually lead to an outbreak of conflicts in already frozen conflict and internationally disputed regions such as Kosovo. (Of course, I haven't been up to date with geopolitical analysis and future outcome prediction works, so I can be completely be missing the unfolding reality with the Orwell comparison as a casual and overthinking amateur observer of global events and thinking about their underlying implications for the future.) -Huge distraction and mental masturbatory speculations with no sources backing me up (only the conviction that my overtly pessimistic intuition must be right given other people's callousness in the country about this topic), but couldn't fall asleep and my thought patterns returned again and again to dreading my future living in Serbia for next couple of years and this kept me awake at night. Also, I was feeling physically tired so I couldn't force myself to sit down and meditate again at night time and to let go of this repetitive geopolitical speculation thought patterns. I hoped to tire myself with them and to eventually fall asleep. I had addictive fantasy thought patterns of what sexual experimentations I might attempt when I settle in Canada and may acquire some power and prestige in my life to fulfill them. Lately, at night time I had repetitive bisexual fantasy scenarios (interracial sex with black men purely for the pleasure or Asian women), I speculate they are orgasm remnants from various overconsumption or gay or bisexual virtual pornography I watched in the near past when I was feeling sexually depraved or wanted to numb myself with fulfilling these urges or impulses that I judged were perverse, just power and dominance via sex over another human being or taboo. This fantasizing occurred when I was particularly hyper stressed and anxious about the next day and near future at night and couldn't fall asleep and then I got the urge from the remembrance of consuming porn and feeling stressed and anxious in bed by overthinking, to dry jerk by rubbing my genitals against the bed, orgasming at the sheet and with the dopamine release and numbing of the prefrontal cortex part of the brain (in my imagination, I am quite uneducated on brain anatomy and neurophysiology, no wonder I have these childish images of what's going on in my brain by performing these actions and thinking that it will that calm me down and tire me for sleep). Theses sexual fantasies are most likely a result of sexual deprivation or lack of an intimate and loving relationship with another girl since I can imagine loving another man and I am attracted sexually by women and can only fantasies loving and intimate relationships with women when confronting them as my acquaintances or friends in real interactions. The Dream when I finally fell asleep at about 7:00 AM: I wasn't sure if I was unaware that I was dreaming, but the memory of the dream is murky now. The Dream was like a repetition of my pose as I was dry jerking in but now it was like I was teleported to a different bed and the place was switched to my little room where I go to sleep when I visit my grandparent's apartment on the 12th floor of a building. At one point I found myself in the pose of falling flat to my chest at the bed and with my hand and arms contorted it was as If I have just fallen from a high altitude cliff or building straight to the bottom ground and have broken my arms and legs in the process because of the impact of the fall. I suddenly then became aware that I was slowly lifted up by some force and was going upwards like floating and then suddenly spun around and tossed in the direction of the window of the room to fall down from the 12th floor of the apartment building where they live to the ground below. I suddenly had a shock of existential fear and doubt within the dream if I am really dreaming and if I am going to really die by falling and being splashed to the ground, and as I was basically breaking the window glass by being tossed by that reverse gravity-like force I willed myself in slight terror and shock to wake up. I looked at the clock in my room it was 7;50.

Personal development most prominent obstacles and challenges areas: 1. internal hindrances (tbr) 2. external obstacles: development of one's own culture and society, on which one depends and survives by, 3. close kin and family relationship problems (tbr): toxic family members (my "breadwinner" in the house father), symbiotic dependence (financial on them (the psychoanalyst and social psychologist Erich Fromm described this form of unhealthy constraining (he described sado-masochistic) familial or even intimate relationships (through a metaphor of a condependent relationship between a fetus and a pregnant women, to represent actual relationships between couples or close family members, in which both parties are constrained and tied by there codependence with each other, and therefore unable to be independently grow as individuals or achieve personal liberation by themselves) in his book,, The Art of Loving" which he published in 1956, didn't ever discipline myself or organized myself properly to read it as a whole (nitpicked some parts in the beginning, procrastinated on it, drown myself in entertainment and forgot about it), my goal is to include and adopt more concepts from Fromm's work and include it as part of this journal, since they will be needed as theoretical knowledge, most likely to properly form a relevant and lasting intimate relationship with another human being, correct and manage my pre-existing relationships with my family and to conscious my way in some sort of independence (which is a goal I could have committed to myself much earlier but failed and descended into mostly neurotic periodic episodes of social isolationism sustained by constant stimulation by entertainment (the everpresent social phenomena in our developed countries, I will articulate more and inform more of my thoughts and opinions about for example politictainment (i.e. reality showesque representation of power in contemporary developed countries, Trump and Vucich in Serbia, what is it about, their tactics with it and their long-term strategies and goals with it), in later post in the journal) by various media channels from entertainment part of YT, movies, anime (long series and movies) and video games and periodic extreme porn overconsumption to fill the hole of not having any intimate or close relationships), in fact when I became acquainted and discovered Leo's work in 2017 (when I was finishing my last year in high-school) I had 3 years of getting my priorities straight, slowly working on them and having small acomplishments day by day on them in order to have some sort of financial independence and intimate relationship by now, when I turn 22 in about 17 days from now. 4. virtual content distraction (tbr - to be revised- can't think of a different correct acronym, unfortunately, and lazy to look it up now, this late ) 5. addictions and engrossment to certain ideologies (system of ideas of how the world should be in the future, for example in my case an infantile understanding of 21st century Marxism) 6. external obstacles: financial independence (tbr) 7. self-defeating prophecy thought patterns patterns of regrets - mostly about all of the low-conscious decisions that I accumulated in my mind and awareness up to this point patterns of guilt 7. dream and fantasy (even though I have the citizenship and no acquaintances for me and my father from there) of "escaping" from a destiny of life in a low chance for good employment (i.e. employment that I want, primarily a teaching job in the social sciences or a foreign language) and career development in Serbia and going to (I reason it in my head) start from scratch in Canada (though I still have the (slightly unrealistic now, after the crisis, maybe I am just deluding myself and lack information, I will have to find out) reservations of wanting to get a diploma in social sciences here in Serbia. Conflicting, contradictory, and not strong enough, kinda in a fantasy sphere and lack of a committed till now daily action imprinted and sustained vision. (tbr) Note: an incomplete, incoherent, and unrevised list for now: 5.16.2020 Too tired, uninspired now and with lack of time (it's past midnight here in the CEST time zone) to think about adding more to the list and describing the difficulties of the particular obstacle, I choose to write about, which I want to overcome. I needed to finish tomorrow some procrastinated family commitments and to start writing and getting ideas for framing my also procrastinated mandatory exam precondition essay on sociological film analysis. (I will add small info notes for each date as I update this section of the journal each time, I don't have a conception or plan how to structure this journal section by section, for now, just conceived of the title to try to accurately describe and communicate in which kind of state I generally am now, what I need to personally overcome and where do I go realistically as possible from here.) 5.16. 2020 Huh, short observation when reading what I wrote, I label, pretty judgingly, the explanation of my perceived actions and current state a lot (tbr)

Here are the guardian articles mentioned in the video by Lee: https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2020/apr/21/coronavirus-pandemic-will-cause-famine-of-biblical-proportions Here is a newer article, in order to see that this is still currently an unfolding crisis (and that it hasn't been fixed after 20 days after the article was first posted). https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2020/may/13/unicef-6000-children-could-die-every-day-due-to-impact-of-coronavirus My intention in sharing this is in order to be aware of one's luck and privilege of being in developed country and enjoying the safety and benefits of a middle class (middle class in relation to the standards of life for people living in the global developing south, regardless of one's own standing in the class hierarchy in own's one developed country) propertarian lifestyle which ensures your physical safety when these global system malfunctions occur and hit the hardest and put them at the limit of survival those that live on the periphery's on our international world trade system based order and supply raw materials for products and goods we consume, buy and often take for granted. My intention is not to guilt shame anybody ( I am as irresponsible and unaware of my privileges on the day to day basis thinking and acting, and therefore self-consumed as well) but just simply to share this sort of info for people not in the know, to be aware of what's going outside their nation-states.

Informative political analysis video on the possible U. S. 2020 election outcome explained through four different theoretical perspectives.

A conspiracy theory about Covid-19 escaping from China’s Wuhan Institute of Virology is the Trump administration’s Iraqi WMD. And the Washington Post’s Josh Rogin is playing the role of then NY Times WMD pusher journalist Judith Miller. By Max Blumenthal and Ajit Singh @thegrayzone preview from the April 20th article: "With US deaths from Covid-related complications peaking above 30,000, allies of President Donald Trump are taking their anti-China public relations blitz to new heights of absurdity, hoping to legitimize a conspiracy theory blaming a Chinese biological research lab for engineering the novel coronavirus. The theory points to the Wuhan Institute of Virology as the culprit behind the pandemic, either through an accidental leak caused by unsafe research on bat coronaviruses or deliberately, by manufacturing a biological weapon. First deployed in January by the right-wing Washington Times, the conspiracy was dismissed and discredited at the time by journalists and scientists. With an apparent cue this April from a Trump administration desperate to shift the blame for its feckless coronavirus response, Fox News and the Washington Post have fished the story out of the right-wing’s political wet market and polished it off for public consumption. Though neither outlet published a single piece of concrete evidence to support their claims, the story has gained traction among even fervently anti-Trump elements of the political establishment. Regarding the real source of Covid-19, the conclusion by a team of American, British, and Australian researchers could not be more clear: “we do not believe that any type of laboratory-based scenario is plausible…. Our analyses clearly show that SARS-CoV-2 is not a laboratory construct or a purposefully manipulated virus,” the virologists stated in a March 17 article published in the scientific journal Nature. A group of 27 public health scientists from eight countries signed an open letter this March in the Lancet medical journal issuing support to scientists and health professionals in China and “strongly condemn[ing] conspiracy theories suggesting that COVID-19 does not have a natural origin.” The letter states that the scientific findings to date “overwhelmingly conclude that this coronavirus originated in wildlife, as have so many other emerging pathogens.” Having spent the past four years railing against the “fake news media” and “deep state” elements in the national security bureaucracy for their campaign to paint him and his allies as Russian collaborators, Trump is now employing the same tactics he condemned to ratchet up conflict with China. By planting fake news about Chinese evildoing through anonymous US officials and dodgy document dumps, the White House appears to hope that an escalated conflict abroad will paper over its failures at home. Trump’s deployment of conspiracy theories about a Chinese lab not only mirrors the tactics his opponents used to ramp up the Russiagate narrative, it recalls the successful disinformation campaign neoconservatives in the George W. Bush administration enacted when they planted a seemingly explosive revelation about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction with New York Times correspondent Judith Miller. The august reputation of the Times conferred legitimacy on the bunk WMD story, enabling the Bush administration to sell the invasion of Iraq to the Beltway political class across partisan lines. Miller was ultimately exposed as a fraudster and went to jail to protect her neocon sources, but not before thousands of American service members were killed in Iraq and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis died in the chaos they spawned. Today, as the Trump administration ratchets up its propaganda war against China to a disturbing new level, a neoconservative columnist at the Washington Post is filling Miller’s shoes." https://thegrayzone.com/2020/04/20/trump-media-chinese-lab-coronavirus-conspiracy/amp/ if it is to long (I read it till now two thirds of it till now) for you here is Blumenthal, condensing it, on disclaimer: Chinese state share owned media outlet CGTN, because they won't let him appear and speak about this on mainstream U. S. cable news outlets: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uBp3oqTMRjs Note: The Grayzone does sometimes go have an exclusivity Anti-Americanism geostrategic ideological outlook on world events, but I think this possible belligerence enabling red herring (especially in the ever disputed South China Sea major trade by shipping lane geopolitical powder keg) that is mostly likely to be pushed into the U. S. élection process, is something to be aware of for those of you who live in the U. S. and participate in the electoral process and to if possible and assessed able, in my opinion and if I we're in your position, be disputed, dismissed and condemned as extremely dangerous for the country's future and the future of general world statibilty. Primarily wanted to share this, because I think is extremely relative to be aware of and predict in advance the likely mainstream narratives, that will be circiling in wake of the U. S. presidential élection and coronavirus restriction easing.

@RawJudah Yes I have the similiar thought/feeling patterns now about my up until now university accomplishments and current standing of just skipping and sleeping over imprptant classes, procrastinating and outright not completing on assignments that I personally took up as a pledge on myself and proffesors, calesly and uncaringly through this stay at home privelleged opportunity during the pandemic. Lot of deeply embedded self-manufactured selfish regret. Though all is still not lost I can retrieve some parts of the exam subjects to pass them still yet.. Wanted to comment on this as show that I relate with you with the thought and feeling patterns.

"Yes I have, Yes I have..." My traitor Biden in bed with and weak on China re-election narrative depends on it. Here's an example of that when the WHO is corrupt and the above posted debunked conspiracy theory used in the same sentence to forward a belligerent goal. That's why I am skeptical of the WHO cover-up narrative given the fact that if they withheld information about the virus it was probably for not disturbing global product supply chains of the global economy, which the US and other transnational corporations and rest of the Western countries are the main benefeciary. Plus this YouTube and Google taking down videos that dispute CoVid-19 official facts I see as justified to an extent, given the fact in this case that openly pro-Trump, non-neutral actor's, two California doctors on a local news conference forwarded on YouTube that CoVid-19 is nothing to be worried about, same as the flu, they disputed the death-rates and claimed they were lower than the seasonal flu and got 4 million views before taken down and will mostly likely now be invited to push the grand conspiracy narrative on FoxNews facilitating more unnecessary deaths. Here's the story from 12:50 to 17:30.

In short (possibly) to pivot to his Christian fundamentalist, basé vote, à peddler of chlorine dioxide, which is primarily used as powerful bleach in industrial processes such as textile manufacturing, branded and sold as miracle product, for a longer time now, known as (MMS) Miracle Mineral Supplement by the leader and "archbishop" of the Genesis II Church group in Florida, Mark Grenon, as seen in the video below. For bitter laughs: Guardian article: The leader of the most prominent group in the US peddling potentially lethal industrial bleach as a “miracle cure” for coronavirus wrote to Donald Trump at the White House this week. In his letter, Mark Grenon told Trump that chlorine dioxide – a powerful bleach used in industrial processes such as textile manufacturing that can have fatal side-effects when drunk – is “a wonderful detox that can kill 99% of the pathogens in the body”. He added that it “can rid the body of Covid-19”. https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2020/apr/24/revealed-leader-group-peddling-bleach-cure-lobbied-trump-coronavirus

@Husseinisdoingfine Great job listing and categorising these works in adequate scientific disciplines. I am just dipping my toe with Lenin's Imperialism the last stage of Capitalism for a Marxist literary online reading club I joined. Thanks for the comprehensive work referencing and categorising post! @NoN-RaTiOnAL I would also add the works that @Nak Khid reccomendended from Rick Wolff, as basic contemporary introductions to Marxism and Socialist variations in ideas generally through history and today etc. 1.Understanding Marxism by Richard Wolff from 2018 2. Understanding Socialism by Richard Wolff from 2019 You can find these books in pdf form by typing them in the libgen.org free library archive. Best of luck in starting out in this field, such as myself? Note: Don't get to ideological Marxism is first and foremost a scientific objective approach on predicting how economic movements and trends will impact, influence and shape future social and political events and trends and how will they possible look like and play out given the underlying economic circumstances.

Marxist economist and profesor Richard Wolff gives brief parallels, between the social and economic state in European feudal society in the Middle ages at the time of the outbreak of the bubonic plague and the current Coronavirus pandemic outbreak impact on the contemporary capitalist society in the U. S. and the rest of world economy interconnected with it, from an economic and social state analysis POV. Note: I recomend for those who are struggling, like myself in certain instances of the video, with following up on and understanding his fast economic terminological speech and various descriptive analogies that are part of his narrative style, to turn on the auto-generated English captions at the at the settings bar below the video. Be well and stay safe all of you, especially in the U. S in the wake of these desperation and fear enforced and "pétrie dish" protests.

@Parththakkar12 Keep this thread alive and insights flowing while you are in the zone! Scrolled through it's like a spiral dynamics introductiom course for me since I still haven't organised my priorities and time properly and comprehensively, to set aside time to study it in free time and compare it with empirical examples in day to day life or or from examples from history books. Anyways thanks for the excellent explanatory and articulated thread post.

I have another issue besides this one, that regards the fact that I am still very unscheduled in terms of when I have to set time apart, in a fixed daily period of when I should meditate, before the commitments and chores that I have to finish during the day. But this neurophysiological and physiological feeling of exhaustion and a feeling of emotional drainage after meditating mostly typically in the morning time, when I use to do it more often and at mid-day time has been a recurring issue for my practice and work efficiency, I think for almost more than a year now. It is so intense, that afterward after I typically practice an unrefined Samatha, breath focus meditation for about 30 minutes, I have at the end of the session an incoming wave of tiredness that washes over my body and emotion-centered mind that in turn produces strong thoughts and feelings connected to it of wanting to lie down immediately and fall asleep, akin to not being able to stand the upcoming task of being awake, mentally focused and physiologically ready for doing the intended physically draining laborious work I have to do or being mentally focused and active for mental tasks of thinking and writing about stuff I have as a task or chore for college. Now I can think of several reasons why this occurs for me: Note: You can skip this long incohesive list since It is just my speculations, that I didn't want to delete and would see to copy/paste somewhere else for self-inquiry and self-examination in a new journal. I have fallen into an incoherent micro hyper-analyzing my whole life up till this point rut and logocentric rut in writing this and was unable to let it go since I felt attached to the text as some sort of work I wasted* time to do and didn't want to just delete it. 1.) Unfinished shadow work and lack of self-love. I have daily recurring thought patterns of the past during this pandemic and of deeply regretting my past choice and actions in the last 2 or more years so since I found this channel, that I took that I now see as useless in the long-term and that I feel in succumbing to the desire to do them I have as a result wasted my potential achieving and succeeding in academic pursuits, mental training and learning to write effectively, consicely and expeditenly in an academic manner by working on commitedly on mastering the language, concepts and sentence phrasing( I am currently in an interregnum period at college of having to earn some requirements to have the ability to take exams on some subjects and some available procrastinated and unfinished exams to pass but not enough to earn state finance to attend college and potential to lose the family pension that I get as part of my deceased mother's work benefits, due to being unable to organize and schedule my study plan and being distracted by it by entertainment and the pursuit of virtual audio-visual pleasure, which I feel almost daily strong regrets about this past trajectory that I took etc.), personal growth and acquiring useful personally transformative experiences that I choose not to pursue due to either fear, dispiritedness, choosing selfish quick-term pleasure and indulgence over the pursuit of love, carefully cultivated and disciplined knowledge acquirement and care towards others, etc. 2) Feeling regret about my past actions that pop up as thoughts during the day that feel emotionally draining, and I am often unable to let them go since I reason and feel that those past actions led to my current position in my life. 3) The underlying undealt feeling of self-hatred for procrastinating, getting distracted by entertainment and porn and therefore wasting a lot of my time and keeping myself for not realizing my potential (an assistant at college almost 4 months ago said I have the potential for sociology, but that I have an organizing and coherence problem in my work) and in cultivating my writing and speech the only thing I practiced which is writing terms from sociology and coherently, logically and cohesively combining them in a sentence, writing speed, and being skillful enough with effectively communicating and keeping my own rationale and integrity of a viewpoint with other people. 4) That same guilt realization that I had an amazing opportunity that I squandered a lot due to not realizing and being ignorant in how much of a privileged economic (didn't have to get a job) and citizenship position (I have a dual citizenship Canadian and Serbian) I was, in regards to average other people in my country who are struggling too much at work and to earn for a living to sustain themselves, didn't have the same relative financial stability privileges that I had for almost two years, to achieve some academic success, by going to professor consultations and making contacts with them and working committedly and with a plan every day, in passing much of the exams and being on the third year instead of being now effectively stuck in the second year with no exams given due to procrastination and lack of a daily work ethic and long-term strategic planning and organizing. 5) Not socializing and making relationships with people that I was on the same current life state and family history frequency on in the past, and now that I am partially on a different trajectory from, for example, one girl in high school and one girl in college. Missing out on a given opportunity for a first relationship due to fearful cowardice, deluded arrogance, and maintenance of a delusional not grounded in actual reality and/or perceived by others social status. These are some, not all, of the repeating underlying thought patterns, that I can currently think of, that occur during the day for me, that come up during meditation. But I went off-topic here, more for a self-actualizing and/or relationship thread, sorry. These were my speculations above with what be the energetic blocking instances of feelings connected with thoughts, that I wasn't able to let go and replace with some joyful and pleasant experiences and recent pleasant memories, that are subconsciously translating in causing this physiological fatigue when I try and after a meditation session during the day. I would really appreciate and would like to hear from people that went through the same underlying and recurring mediation issues or are/were conscious to know what could be some underlying causes for these mental and physiological fatigues to occur so often and during this set time period during the day (I don't feel almost at all fatigued often during meditating before sleep). Thank you for setting the time to read this and to maybe if you can help me with some advice and solutions regarding these issues. And also stay safe and watch out for yourself and your close and loved ones, all of you, during this ongoing pandemic.

Haven't finished reading the article but it's a figure that is postulated as highly possible by an Oxfam study article from April 9th and I heard the briefing about that article on Democracy Now interview with the vice-president of Oxfam Paul O'Brien, here's the link: https://www.democracynow.org/2020/4/15/oxfam_coronavirus and the Oxfam report, if you have the time to read it, it's 18 pages: https://assets.oxfamamerica.org/media/documents/mb-dignity_not_destitution-an-economic-rescue-plan-for-all-090420-en.pdf

Chomsky was guest at the Frederick S. Pardee Center for the Study of the Longer-Range Future at the Pardee School of Global Studies. He described and outlined in it briefly the economic origins that execerbated this crisis and the two contending forces, corporate-orange and popular - blue and green, that will be at play and will struggle against each other to reshape, in accordance with their interests, the world orgnaized along the current international economic system's dysfunctional and extreme inequality caused systemic contradictions and its now extreme downturn in growth and loss in economic gains for example wiping out gains of 20 of year's against global poverty levels. There are two clips that last about 5 minutes each. Reccomend you watch them since if your have the time to follow international political developments it's, in my opinion at least, a brief excellent analysis of the current state of affairs and useful guidelines of what one is to stratégize and think about moving forward and lasting in it. And yes hope you are all safe and sound, as much as possible during this, especially people from the U. S., U. K and India on the forum.

@Roy Read all your points, thanks for setting time a part to write them out, here will articulate some of my viewpoints regarding this after I finish some of my procrastinated commitments.

I just feel the need when writing this now, during this quarantine and curfew for the country that I live in till Monday and to be a part of some community, even virtual, where I can write openly about the dark undercurrents of my psyche and the needs that arise from it. I can't confess these habits to anyone in irl, because I've recently started on the path shortly after the global outbreak, to try socialise and share with some people and to cultivate a persona in public in order to succeed in the long term, to gain some influence among people and to cultivate a friendship and down the path an eventual relationship, with girl I like and share similar personality traits and psychological issues - a very like minded soul, I think, by analysing here and interacting with her shortly this much in terms of her character that I sawed she display towards others and me. The Devilry in the post is the following, 1.) my emotional and neuro-physiological crutch for porn when facing anxiety regarding work or commitments that I have which I 2.) procrastinated on and got 3.) distracted on by listening what my mind lures me on with biased detected "higher and nobler thoughts" that arise from listening and watching intellectuals on YT, analytical news and videos that I am to predict the future geopolitical standoff that's possibly coming about as a result of the pandemics effect on global economic trends or reading articles in paper in other subjects that I have interest in, that I use as an emotional crutch to keep procrastinating on real and difficult faculty assignments and mind and writing work that are the only thing I have to do since I am unemployed, don't contribute in way to broader society, only to my relatives and live with and depend on my father still financially. I developed as self and relationship destructive habit of a porn crutch when I ever I feel anxiety or heavy fatigue when I need to do actual work, over a period of a few years and this has was particularly harming to my still wish and perceived path in life career and social rolel, when I in January and February, before national emergency was declared here, failed to plow through and to commit studying two subjects for an exam in February (one I which almost completed 60% of needed for the exam and other did I was suppose to start after finishing the latter) and due to lack of, as I said it disciplining myself and commuting to it, feel for the need to dispel that constant anxiety to numbing myself to reality and to relationships with family relatives and the rest of the colleagues and friends on my faculty with a pornography binge. Now when I have to start finally doing the work, that I postponed and checking a heap emails and notification intrsuction messages by proffesors I fell through again, with an essay I need to write on which I am already late on and want just finish it so I can say to myself I finished something during this unique quarantine opportunity to just have a lot of free time to study and to get some points and get in contact with a professor with whom I have a exam and to learn more about her and focus primarily on her subject which is sociology of education in which I am most interested, of the ones that I have been exposed to, try and to commit to and do a masters degree. I understand if it's tl;dr, I just want to get something and write into the void, my past life trajectory thoughts over the last few days. 4.) I don't have an organizational day by day habit put in place (my father, who I depend on, live with is disrupting this due to his own personal problems, habitual and organizational issues as myself, and he has the need to talk to me a length about his maihaps and arguments with other people and I have a written consensus with him to put a stop with whatever I am doing and listen to him or he will get offended severely and hysterical) and realistic and strategic plans, on how to step by step and day by day, complete and finnish all of these assignments and seminars that I have to write and put out till the end of May, I think, (I will correct myself If I am wrong.) 5) This in and out liminal state of being formally a student and not having an money earning job and basically as it pertains to the work I have (haven't) accomplished and done last and this semestar on state college and the pension rights from my deceased mother's work years of receive (which I was eligible as her son to inherit at birth and will have as long as I am a state funded student and till I turn 25) that I receive monthly plus added with my father's good paying job as English and German langauge teacher in a private language school, mostly set up for people looking to learn a language and work abroad, because of the lack of opportunities for success here and general economic depravity for a lot of people. So I am almost in 7 month position now on more or less (I went on most classes in faculty in this semestar and completed some minor test and assignments) of leeching of, again more or less, the filled with students benefits state university system and avoiding to pass, till now, exams these two semestars, and not implementing a work routine now during this pandemic and being late on assignments and to doing almost any day by day substantial study work and producing results which I have a commitment to send to my profesors, and now I am pat deadline on some of them, even still though the general consensus among them was they will accept them and I would get points for the grade, because of livelihood qnd work circumstances of some students that this crisis may have impacted on some less fortunate then me students. I feel bad for this perceived postponed future orientation job or student work parasiting and have since I am in this, I call it liminal state, the need to somehow avoid having to work a wage-earning manual labor job potentially in the summer or in autumn and to succeed and focus somehow of implementing a study habit, a knowledge base and giving and passing exams that I have, even though It is most likely given my current exam points that I want to continue to study sociology that I will have to finance myself and work a full-time job at the side. So to recap, biggest hurdles and issues, that caused me this mental breakdown today: 1)uncertain faculty studying future 2) procrastination and distraction anxiety from postponing and working on slowly an already past-deadline, first PP assignment then film essay. 3)feeling like I am Labor leaching parasite and advantage taking opportunist in irl when encountering and watching people that work a manual job and are focused and efficient at it, and when I didn't study or complete any study assignments att all during the day 4)going on a short porn binge tonight, because of an emotional and physiological crutch that I developed as bad ingrained habit now when facing mind, emotional and writing student work related anxiety and stress off either exam uncertainty or being, because of procrastination and distraction pass deadline and trying to desperately catch up and earn some points I need for a higher grade by completing it, instead of starting to prepare and work on an past- deadline, though probably pardoned if past deadline, assignment that causes me anxiety and stress of not being able to after a week almost now being able to focus, work on it and finally complete it and send it to the professor via email to get that off my chest, due to distracting myself with corona virus news, social media chatting with colleagues and intellectuals on YT and procrastinating it on it causing me to feel like a parasite, weak and worthless, while working people around the world are losing jobs they committed to and worked on in third-world and first-world because of the systematic failure of the economy that this pandemic crisis caused. 5) psychological and emotional fatigue that I feel after a 30 minute meditation or after physical labor when I have to study and tense and focus my mind and to think of rationally and adequately distributing and between time and results from writing and memory. I cant think of any other key issue now, I will add after I complete my set goal tommorow of completing as much as possible or the whole prioritised assignments, seeing through the day other key personal commitment and habits hurdles and issues that I have, and will start to writing strategies and approaches of solving them most effectively and expediently within the frame of my work deadlines and current covering and results generating habits and capabilities. In other words trying to assess as realistically as is possible for my mind of where I am at life, what are my concerete paths to my, still I think, vaguely defined goals and what I have to tommorow to start doing to set which to prioritise on fixing and overcoming, with as much as possible and realistic assessment and accepting emotions that come from that assessment and using them, as an indicator, where I need to keep pushing to feel better and lessen the chances of this breakdown happening again in this very good and rare growth opportunity in isolation with less external chores and commitments. Sorry if this tl;dr felt the need to write something down after this very unpleasant and resistance to it and heavily judged porn mastrubation numbing caused mental breakdown tonight that is a cyclical anxiety and stress coping habitual mechanism which I developed a crutch on and haven't put constant and adequate and attention consciousness committed and focused work on to overcome, lessen and eventually get over and fix and replace with a daily reading schedule which I feel a motivating wish for.

@zeroISinfinity Yes I feel glad that you're family had the resources to move abroad. I am of the opinion that the more an economicly developed and culturally diverse the country is there is a lot more opportunity for development also on an individual level. Plus from some basic sociological research that I know I inferred that conditions and opportunities for individual autonomy are much more open and easily accessible in independent states such as in the country like the U. S. where there are already good existing economic and cultural structures crafted for that intent and that existed for a longer time than other less developed countries. Ah Eugène just looked up some data about the city on Wikipedia, seems it's the birthplace of the Nike company, very popular as sneakers here as a material status symbol and group symbol here among the poorer, lower middle class and working class sectors of "suburban areas" of Belgrade. I live also in the capital in one of those suburban areas - Zemun. Eugène seems like a really well developed infrastructurally and bustling with new bussiness, dream place city ? from my first impression from Google maps. Is Jed your father or close family member if I may ask? ? And would you like to be in Miami more because of the climate, tourism or related business opportunities?