jjer94

toxic shame products. I'm in the middle of a book right now that may as well be my autobiography. I wish I read it six months earlier when I really needed it most! It's John Bradshaw's Healing the Shame that Binds You. The gist is this: at the core of neurosis is toxic shame, or the embodied feeling that one is an inadequate or defective human being. This feeling is so painful that we become "human doings" to cover it up. "Doing" can take a variety of forms including (but not limited to): addictions, compulsions, hyperachievement, spiritual shaming, eating disorders, delinquency, and fierce independence. Bradshaw explains the phenomenon much better than I can, so I'll just paste a few quotes and add my spiel afterwards. This may be a series as I continue with the book. I.e. The wounded ego stage of spiritual development. I'd say around 75% of our population is stuck in this stage of arrested development. Physical age makes no difference to psychological age. I've met senior citizens who still act like children psychologically. Side note: As you already know, PD and spirituality are modern tools to heal the wounded ego, regain self-acceptance, and become beings rather than doings. This is me. Toxic shame destroys our personal boundaries, and we either become hyper-controlling or hyper-submissive. I'm the latter. I've been a doormat to my life. I have a hard time saying no to people. I was diagnosed with ADHD, although I theorize that's just one of the ego defenses I've used in order to avoid making clear-cut decisions in my life. Side note: ADHD is yet another stupid fucking label that exacerbates toxic shame. That last bit is crucial. The wounded ego will lie to itself in the most unconscious ways in order to avoid exposure of shame. It's brilliant to watch this mechanism in the people around me, but it's even more brilliant to expose it in myself (especially with the help of a therapist). Most of the time, I felt my parents weren't emotionally available for me. Understandably so, since they never dealt with their own toxic shame...and then they found out my oldest brother had autism. Bam - a recipe to pass toxic shame down the family line. I'm not angry about it anymore, just observant. It is what it is. I'm glad that I'm at least aware of this phenomenon and have the tools and motivation to deal with it. The Lost Child describes me to a tee. I was the kid that didn't want to be a burden to parents who had their hands full with an autistic child. So I slinked away and became the invisible overachiever. Straight A's, no complaints, etc. Be the doormat, be out of the way, and I could survive, just like my mother. It was bearable because I could escape into my video game addiction, although I still felt ashamed because I was told they were "bad." Honestly, looking back, I see that I was living in hell. And once I graduated college, hell finally began to break loose. Not pretty. I'm still in the midst of this hellstorm, as I still don't know who the hell I am and what the hell I want. I've changed dramatically in the past year because I'm shedding layer upon layer of defense mechanisms at a breakneck pace. Spiritual ego is my biggest one to date. Which is why my family members don't actually listen to me most of the time. Which is why I don't actually listen to them most of the time. I have tons more quotes to share, but I'm going to stop here to save your short attention spans. #projection

leonardo da gura - part 2. @zenjen

you're a rock? cool. I have a confession to make. I'm not... that... interested in enlightenment. Frankly, I think the concept is kind of boring and kind of an ego trip. It's like... you're playing The Legend of Zelda, and you're fully identified with Link on-screen... until he dies from a drugged-up deku scrub and then you realize that you're the immortal player of the game. Okay. So it's just a game, and what you are is the witness that has no quality whatsoever. La-dee-frickin'-da. On the other hand, there's a huge entertaining world to explore, with "other people", shiny treasure chests, rupees, and hidden nooks. You can spend thousands of hours (for instance) staring at a wall and chanting syllables in order to realize and embody the fact that you're not Link... or you can explore said world. It's like... if enlightenment is the realization that you're a rock. Ohhhhhhhkay, so you're a rock. Now what? Talk about your smooth and jagged qualities? Help other people realize their igneous nature? Or maybe roll around in mud, finally reveling in the most anticlimactically ordinary realization of your rocky life? Look. I get that raising consciousness is the name of the human game. I just think that talking about the nature of reality is kind of bland. The world in which we live is infinitely more interesting. I also see that heavy-duty spiritual practice and turning inward is not my priority because I have smaller fish to fry. How can I reach enlightenment if I'm too afraid to initiate on a date? How can I clear my nadi's if I still struggle with money management? How can I meditate effectively if I still have vasanas? If enlightenment is about expanding consciousness until there are no boundaries, then all boundaries must be transcended, even the so-called "unspiritual" ones. I realized this after a few years of partaking in the spiritual ego olympics. (Not-so-fun times. I totally failed on the om-shanti shot-put.) It's funny. I used to make the distinction between spiritual and unspiritual. I used to think that I shouldn't hang out with people doing "low consciousness" stuff, that I should meditate instead, that I should do my practices diligently, be a strategic motherfucker and plan out my sagely life. But now, I could care less. I see it's all spiritual if I choose to look at everything through that lens. I see that transcending the little fears is precisely what I need to do right now in order to transcend the bigger ones. And I see that's why I'm not interested in hardcore enlightenment stuff right now...and instead choose to make fun of it. So what's the conclusion to this scatter-brained babble? In the end, everything leads to enlightenment. Yes, everything - even taking a dump. Even the human game stuff. Consciousness always wants to expand. If we care to listen, our innate Intelligence leads us to the places we need to be in order to transcend our boundaries. Even if we don't listen, eventually we run out of distractions and coping mechanisms, and we're forced to face our fears anyway (whether in this lifetime or the next). Warning: NSFW. Swiggity swooty...

I experienced something similar a couple days ago! After helping out a local farmer, I picked and ate some of his spinach directly. I could almost taste the qi... Also kind of random, but I also noticed recently the difference between satiation and fullness. Eating a high-nutrient-dense meal like a fresh salad is incredibly satiating, but not filling. Conversely, eating a ton of cooked food is nice and filling, but not as satiating. @moon777light Another idea for you is the salad-in-the-mason-jar trick. Basically, stack greens and chopped vegetables in layers in a mason jar, and top it off with a lemon or lime. Put dressing in a separate jar, and add it when you're ready to eat. They last for around three days in the fridge, so you'd only need to do two batches per week. You can do the same thing with oats - stick them in the fridge overnight with some water, raw apple cider vinegar, and toppings of choice, and you have yourself an instant breakfast in the morning.

If you're a full-time student and have never done raw vegan before, you may be overwhelmed; same goes for OMAD. Best to stay flexible for your circumstances. Here are some other options: Sweet potatoes keep in the fridge for up to a week. You can batch cook a bunch on Sundays and snag a couple on the go. Along with the host of other nutrients, cold sweet potatoes have good resistant starch for the gut. The same thing can be done with squash. Be sure to sprinkle some ceylon cinnamon on them for the blood sugar hackz. Rice and beans. If you have an Instant Pot, you can also batch cook tons of rice/millet/amaranth/quinoa/potatoes/etc. in a matter of minutes. Combine it with a can or two of beans, or you can also pressure cook beans separately in the Instant Pot. Mix in some salsa, assorted steamed vegetables, spices, or any sauce that suits your fancy. And voila - the ultimate lazy person's lunch. Animal protein's a little trickier since it doesn't keep in the fridge as long - and quite frankly, you probably don't want to eat it more than once a day. Canned sardines (the Wild Planet kind) would be a decent occasional topping for salad if you're really craving the denser protein. If you like pasta, there are plenty of gluten-free varieties at your local health food store. On occasion I like the red lentil variety. Tons of protein. Add some nooch and tomato sauce and you'll be good to go. If you're digging the fat: Fire Ants on a Log. Celery ribs smothered in the nut butter of your choice, topped with goji berries. Or if you're not cool enough, you can go for normal ants on a log. Packing a lunch is easy if you do batch cooking. Otherwise, spending too much time deciding tomorrow's lunch can induce decision fatigue and affect your stress levels, especially if you're a full-time student. Best of luck on your whole foods journey!

sweating for the first time during kriya yoga.

belligerent belly-breathing babies eat beans. What do babies, beans, bellies, breathing, and belligerence have in common? Besides the obvious fact that they all start with a "b," not much. Not much at all. So let's create some commonalities. Also, I'm kind of bored and have that extra creative itch today. Don't worry, it's not a tick bite. I realized recently through manual labor, qigong, and yoga that while I think I breathe properly, I don't. I unconsciously tuck my navel and breathe through the chest. I think I've been doing this for years. I notice I am more belligerent and anxious when I breathe in this manner; body says, "Wegottagetoutofhereanddosomethingorelseyou'renotgoodenoughcan'tyouseeeveryone'swatchingyouwhatareyoudoingwithyourlife!????!!??111" We're never taught how to breathe in the Wild West. We assume we already know. Add to that the vanity factor - we tuck in our bellies to show how thin we are. So there we go, walking around like we have sticks up our asses (some of us probably do), breathing as shallow as our lives. Our lack of breath follows our lack of feeling complete, which follows our inability to quiet the mind, which follows our inability to relax, which follows our anxiety, which follows our erroneous need to fill gaping emotional holes in our perceived-to-be drab existence. Babies are excellent teachers of breath. Since they are not their names yet, they embody Source fully. They are in a state of complete surrender, as demonstrated through their perfectly deep belly breathing. Anyone have a baby I can borrow for a couple hours? I'm more vain than I thought. I actually prefer not to breathe through the belly because it makes me look fat when I do. But I'm not actually fat - I just eat lots of fiber (like beans) that bloats the belly. Then again, when I do consciously breathe through the belly, the effect is immediate: instant relaxation. That feeling of centeredness - like you have your shit handled because shit has always been handled. The Universe has handled shit for millenia and will continue to do so. Look thin but feel worse, or look fat but feel better? The struggle continues. "The Fiber Song" (To the tune of "The Dreidel Song") Fiber, fiber, fiber You're the hit sensation You satiate my hunger And cure my constipation Fiber, fiber, fiber Your awesomeness is noted Except for one thing only: You make me fucking bloated!

leonardo da gura - part 1.

seeking enlightenment.

Yes, apathy is/was an excellent defense mechanism for us highly sensitive folk - especially in childhood, when we didn't have the tools that we do now. What you say reminds me of that Tibetan Buddhist meditation where you breathe in the pain of others and breathe out compassion. Forgot what it's called though Thanks for sharing

trust (non)issues. I've reached a point in my development where I'm learning to trust myself. No more answers from the outside. No more looking for the perfect guru or the perfect book or the perfect diet or the perfect this or the perfect that. No more trying to emulate a so-called authority like Leo. (I still love you, you big bald Buddha ) No more following strict regimens. No more restricting myself. I feel the ebbs and flows of my energy, and I align with that, because it feels good. Simple as that. The body has an amazing intelligence that knows things directly, with little need for intervention from Mind. Whenever I try to brute force things with Mind, life begins to feel Sisyphean and burdensome. I think about the past year and my desire to "heal" as quickly as possible. I tried nearly every technique in the self-help catalogue and still fell flat. That's because I wasn't aligned. I was in a state of fear - fear of failing, of not being good enough, et cetera. It's the state of "this-moment-is-not-right-and-I-need-to-get-somewhere". It's also the state in which I hate myself, because no matter how hard I try, I never "get there," so I beat myself up for that. But now that I'm learning to trust myself and the intelligence within, things are unfolding more naturally. I'm beginning to view things from the perspective that everything is right, and all "I" need to do is slow the fuck down and relax into it. The synchronicities have been uncanny as a result. Ego loves to misinterpret the Law of Attraction. It loves to think that it can acquire the objects of its desire (which are really emotional holes it's trying to fill) by simply thinking them into existence. But it's only when you release the need to have anything that you get everything - because then you are aligned. At that point, getting what you want feels more like icing on the cake. I'm nowhere near perfect at this (Haaaaaa...see what I did there!?), but I'm glad that I rediscovered my inner compass over the past few months.

donald trump tremendous. Hot damn, I've been an emotional pancake lately. After helping my dad move something, he said, "Boy, I don't like getting older. Normally I would have been able to do this alone. But my back is killing me." I had to go back into my room and cry my guts out. Why the hell would I cry about that? Because I feel his pain (also because I've been a dick, but that's a story for another day). I'm not going to disclose too much, but let's say he suffers on so many different levels and doesn't even realize. Most people who don't develop themselves psychologically do. They accept the world in which they came without an inkling of suspicion that there may be something better or beyond. They react emotionally and deny their emotions, fish for validation, fight change, defend their rigid beliefs, and create more separation. It's sad, because deep down they want the same things that we all do - happiness, peace, joy, truth, love. They just have no idea that they're actively sabotaging themselves. And there's no way I could tell them, "Hey...you know you don't have to feel X anymore, right? Like, there's this thing called the Internet, and it has a lot of information on X and lifestyle choices you can make to mitigate it...and maybe if you were just a smidgeon more open-minded and a tad more motivated..." Because their life is their life. But their ignorance is destroying the planet! Grr! But then again, why do I care so much about ignorance? Aren't I the one who said "in God's time, not mine"? Who am I to call other people ignorant, when I am probably the most ignorant motherfucker out there? There are probably a million-and-one things I do every day that promote separation and help destroy the planet. I mean, fuck, just being a human being has a negative environmental impact. Sneaky sneaky, slimy psyche. #stagegreen Anyway. From my experience, I'm convinced that true change - true conscious expansion - requires tremendous pain. I'm talkin' Donald Trump tremendous, folks. And the sad truth is, most haven't experienced tremendous pain. The flames in their office building haven't grown enough for them to get uncomfortably sweaty and whip out the extinguisher. Life is always the greatest teacher for everyone. I can shine my light, but I can also hold love and compassion - just like the ones who have held space for me. We're all at different places. And I really just wish the best for my close relationships. I really wish for them to be happy.

the ultimate alchemist. Now I finally see the emotional hyperbole. "I've always felt this way - you never gave me the time of day." "Well you never listen to me," she replies, "And I gave you many tries." Now I finally see the diagnostic dogma decree. "This was the single cause after all - Now everyone must hear my call!" "But what of this or that?" she replies, "Surely there are other ties?" I like to believe that mind knows best - Yet another circular trick from the ultimate alchemist.

Yeah... I think we all have to push through that Jed McKenna/Steven Norquist/Thomas Ligotti/Rust Cohle phase at some point in our spiritual journey. Nihilism is excellent birch bark for a spiritual fire...but it doesn't last very long. Life, on the other hand, is excellent firewood. Thank you for sharing

home is where the heart is. Less than a week ago, I went to the weekly group breathwork session that I've been attending for over a month now. This session was the most powerful one yet. I went deep into my subconscious and from the emotional sewage retrieved a delicate piece of myself that nearly drowned. I saw him repeatedly in my dreams. He screamed for my attention, and I had no way to hear him out. Finally, through breathwork, I gave him the love and attention he deserved. He was the little boy who grew up in a home environment that made him feel safe and loved. The boy who pet his guinea pigs in the playroom and set up cardboard mazes for them with sprigs parsley at the exit. The boy who played with a big tub of legos in his bedroom and fuck-you'ed the instruction booklets before he knew how to swear. The boy who listened to his walkman, who listened to his dad's stories about a magical swingset, who burrowed into his mother's arms, who went into the kitchen for a snack, who went outside to play on the swingset, who walked through the dense woods in the backyard with a sense of wonder and adventure. That boy was grieving. He wanted to go home, so badly. I told him that he can cherish the memories from his past, but his future beckons. I told him that life is change. And I told him that home is where the heart is. He continued to cry, and I coughed up mounds of mucus and started wheezing like I did back then. The move out of that house was so quick, I never had a chance to process it. The grief literally buried into my chest for years, and I lost that enamored piece of myself. Until now. I wonder about all those lovable people still suffering from depression, with their downward heads, rolled shoulders, and caved chests. I wonder if they themselves lost the home in their hearts as well. I cry in compassion and prayer, as I know a lot of them buy the western victim narrative, take long-term damaging drugs, and resort to coping mechanisms that don't serve them. If only they knew that the world is not out to get them - that instead the world is in them, and they have the power to heal if they really, really wanted it. But they will decide to turn inward in God's time - not mine. All I can do is shine my light. And the wind Nips at my heels Burn the coals The stranger’s here Waiting to shake my hand And pull, pull me down To the empty place I go What’s the use In wasting my space And biding time Life loses track He isn’t coming back In clairvoyant eyes The truth’s too hard to bear In that place Where the cut is deep Not a space To turn the head away So that is fate Well it’s too damn tall To feel is to fall Life, you two-faced bastard Allay all In the cave Repression, my friend Silent way Find the note You wrote on your battered lonely wall: “Feel the fire Or don’t feel at all” Plato’s flames Are on the stones Not a space To turn the head away So that is fate Well it’s too damn tall To feel is to fall Life, you two-faced bastard Allay all...

As for the coffee, try switching it with an herbal tea made from adaptogens such as ashwaghanda, ginseng, or gotu kola.

Kudos to you for sharing this alternative perspective on a forum of mostly vegans. Just make sure to get blood work if you're going to do this for the long haul. (Don't want to end up like Shawn Baker...) As I like to explore opposing perspectives and test things out for myself, I also did the raw meat and eggs thing. Energy levels were great, I felt strong, and my skin cleared up. Raw meat also digests really smoothly. But after a few weeks, I didn't feel quite right. I was never fully satiated, no matter how much steak or honey I ate. I had the same problem with the ketogenic diet. Then, of course, there's the constipation factor, which is never fun. Then I tested what @Solace mentioned and started to drink my urine. After a urine fast, my cravings for meat completely disappeared, and I began to crave fruits and starchy things. Naturally, I gravitated back to WFPB eating (plus drinking the morning wee). We'll see how long this lasts. The diet world is a strange, strange place...

sight.

crazy lazy. I have a theory about laziness. Laziness goes way deeper than procrastination, or psychological homeostasis, or pursuing short-term gratification in place of long-term goals. Laziness = an unconscious attempt to prevent dissolution of the persona and emergence of the authentic self. I define the persona as the wounded ego - the inauthentic role we play as default. Persona is not just a thought - it's also the way you carry yourself; your aches and pains and body tensions; your energetic holding pattern; your subconscious programming; your life history; your life narrative; and a million other things. The first basic objective of spirituality is to break down the persona so that the authentic self emerges. I define the authentic self as your effortless, God-given, spontaneous personality. General laziness is far from lazy; in fact, more energy is required to be lazy than to not be. First off, when someone is lazy, he is likely sitting for long periods of time, which is not a natural position for the human body. He's likely watching television or doing something stimulating in front of a screen, which is information overload for the brain. He's likely eating garbage food, which takes a lot of energy to digest. These things already tax his energy. But wait...there's more! (Call now and we'll double the offer!) A lazy person also expends ridiculous amounts of energy repressing his emotions and maintaining physical stiffness in the body. If he got off his ass, he would stir up the body tensions that carry these emotions. If he gave himself time and space to feel through these emotions, parts of himself would die and the authentic self would emerge. In the short run, life would be hellish and emotionally laborious. In the long run, however, life would be more vibrant, spontaneous, and connected. Since stage orange western culture encourages the persona and discourages the authentic self, we see people who slave away at jobs they secretly hate so they can go home and be lazy: Physically stiff, mentally distracted, and spiritually constipated to prevent dissolution of the persona and emergence of the authentic self. Perpetually disconnected from themselves with no idea that there's more to life than the grey mundane. They may be exposed to alternative healing modalities, but their belief systems prevent them from exploring further. If these people have no tools to deal with their physical, energetic, and spiritual tensions; if they are surrounded by people who also don't take responsibility for their inner space; if they are part of a culture and belief system that encourages surviving and not living; then of course they will be lazy. Can you really blame them?

was this all in vain? Tweet, blip, flash, repeat. Swipe, high, low, tripe. Too many bytes for consciousness, too many mights to second guess. We made a ghost to scare away the pain, but now it is hungry. Was this all in vain?

feeling feelings under felt fabric feelings. Life has been emotionally murky lately. My true feelings feel like they're feeling trapped under a felt fabric of...more feelings. That's one of the many weird parts about being an INFP - most of the time, I have no idea what I'm feeling. Or I'm feeling multiple positive and negative emotions simultaneously. On the one hand, I like where I am and what I'm doing. On the other hand, I feel so disorganized with myself, as I generally still don't know what the hell I want. Underneath the ditsy distractions is a storm of uneasiness. And let me tell ya folks, the distractions are never-ending. Stimulation after stimulation. Two years of meditation under my belt, and I still can't access concentration for more than a minute. Lately, I've been turning attention outwards. I wrote a song the other day, the first one in months, which was fun. Singing is more fun now that my voice is fuller from all the yoga. Also, yet another diet change, which has had huge effects. What can I say... I'm always exploring new shit. In the meantime: still refining my values, still doing the daily practices, still yodeling at the moon.

Two words: Instant Pot. You can make glorious freezer meals on a Sunday using this tool.