jjer94

last dance with mary jane. I disintegrated last night. I didn't expect Mary Jane to have such an impact on me, but she did - probably because I haven't convened with her in over a year. I was out of town the past couple days to see a concert with my brother. When we got back from the concert, I figured why not give the ol' reefer a go since it's here. A few puffs later, and my sense of self unraveled like a ball of yarn. I closed my eyes and entered another dimension where I was beautiful fractals and sacred designs over a blank canvas of nothingness. Totally malleable, yet totally solid Being. Insights downloaded left and right, but I had difficulty encapsulating them into words. Here was my attempt: You don’t have to look for it. You only need to let go of yourself enough that you disintegrate, and what’s left is pure being. Being is dynamic. It is always moving, but also incredibly still. Like a silent abandoned movie theatre. Kind of boring to not react to stuff [in life] because you know it’s a movie. More fun to play the role and be immersed. It was never serious. Death is only the washing away of paint on a board that doesn’t break, ever. Beyond death is an endless safety net. The beauty of total Presence in the Timeless realm was overwhelming. I appreciated every spontaneous fractal and every new idea. I witnessed my eternal Aloneness and was okay with it. I witnessed my half-dead ego in its perfection - all of the little sensations and energy signatures that make up the unit called "JJ." So convincingly real it's hilarious, yet when you see its flimsiness you can't help but laugh at it. Synesthesia was apparent as well. Musical sounds became wavy visions, which blended into textures. I realized they're all the same thing - awareness. Crazy-ass awareness doing its dance of formless form. Then I returned to the third dimension and conked out. I'm excited to integrate and embody these insights through the coming years. This experience goes to show that even marijuana can be used constructively when the intentions are pure.

losing the hay in the needlestack. This was a challenging week. Liver detox, cold weather, grief, triggers from community members...and girl stuff. I know everyone wants to hear about girl stuff. A few days ago, I lost a good friend. For now. Or forever. Remember that married girl I mentioned in a previous post? Over the past few months, we grew closer. She became attracted to me, and I only became more attracted to her. Right off the bat, I expressed my feelings to her so that I wouldn't be that creepy third-wheeler friend, and she told me that we can still be friends - that it's possible to be attracted to someone and not act on it. I agreed with her... up to this point. I felt like she was pulling on my heart-string, but we had a brick wall between us, and while she kept pulling, I kept smashing my head on that wall. The relationship only became more painful as time passed. It reached a crescendo a few days ago. I manned up and held nothing back. I told her that I couldn't be friends anymore. I told her that I couldn't be that supportive bystander while I simultaneously daydreamed about fucking her. I told her how hot she looked that one night I saw her. I told her that I felt uncomfortable around her and her husband together. I told her that I didn't want to be "that guy" that gets between them. And I told her that the most respectful thing I could do at this time is to keep my distance. She respected my decision, and that was that. What a gal. She taught me gratitude, karma yoga, and confidence. She introduced me to amazing people and was the one who convinced me to join this intentional community. Her energy is amazing. Words cannot describe the frustration and grief I feel over losing someone like that in a rural area full of country bumpkins. It's like losing the hay in the needlestack. Part of me feels back at square one, but the rest of me feels empowered. If I can sit through these heavy feelings like a true emotional warrior, I feel like I can sit through anything. And if I feel like I can sit through anything, I can do whatever I need to do to actualize myself.

Notice how you're looking for outer solutions to an inward issue. You're asking us how to change for your sort-of-unsupportive friend so that you won't have to feel the unpleasant feelings that came up in that moment your friend insulted you. In this case, it's a feeling of shame - otherwise, you wouldn't be comparing yourself with others, looking for results that "show," telling your friend what he's "supposed to do," trying to become a "respected person," wondering if you're lazy, or thinking that you're somehow doing the "wrong" things. Life is hell when you feel ashamed of yourself. It's a constant game of efforting, of comparison, of never being good enough for your own standards, and perhaps of feeling suicidal. Life just feels so damn rigid, and all the mantras and self-help exercises in the world don't seem to help. What will help is to cut yourself some slack. You're 20. Slow down; this ain't a race unless your mind makes it one. You're at a prime age to start working through all of this emotional stuff, and you're blessed to have found the field of self-mastery/self-healing when you did. Most people find it halfway through raising a family, stuck in a dead-end job they hate - and that's when things can get messy. But you have no circumstantial ties like that. What will help is to feel your feelings as they arise - no matter how uncomfortable they are. Reality is your mirror. Every outside trigger is a gift in disguise that encourages awareness and shows you what you need to release within yourself in order to expand your consciousness. Be gentle with yourself, and enjoy the challenging journey. Your determination will serve you well. Blessings sent your way <3

the doormat deception loosens its stranglehold. As a recovering doormat, saying "no" to people is one of the most difficult things for me. I grew up with the programming that my needs and my boundaries don't matter; that I am inadequate; and that any attention is good attention. Of course, that attracted all sorts of energy vampires from hidden alleyways that wouldn't leave me alone. At first, a friendship with said vampire was lovely: in exchange for my listening to them, they would give me the feeling that I mattered at least somewhat to have a friend (otherwise I'd be friend-less and have to face my deep feelings of shame and abandonment). Then some time would pass and they would suck enough blood for me to notice. The relationship would become totally one-sided. They would cling onto me like I was their lifeline, and I would continue to give give give and repress my frustration. At some point, the inner volcano would erupt, and I would leave the friendship with passive-aggressiveness - usually, I would stop responding to their calls and texts. I would loathe the fact that I didn't speak my truth to them, I would exacerbate my shame, and the cycle would continue with the next energy vampire. Awareness of this pattern took me several years in the school of hard knocks, and changing the pattern may take longer - but I'm doing it. I did it a couple weeks ago with one of my fellow community members here. He was the energetic equivalent of my friend from first grade, and I could sense that the karmic cycle would continue unless I did something about it. So I set a boundary. The following day, he was incapacitated and grieving all day. A meeting with him the next morning revealed that my "rejection" had stirred up grief regarding some losses in his family. So by speaking my truth, I may have potentially helped him on his own healing journey. That's not all, though. I went even further that morning and spoke my truth with no euphemisms whatsoever. I told him that the energy he gives off is predatory and needy, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I shocked myself when I said that. Whoa. Where did this newfound self-respect come from? Regardless, this is a huge leap for me. The Doormat Deception is beginning to loosen its stranglehold on my psyche. Even so, I do feel compassion for the guy, because I've been in his situation more than a handful of times, especially as of late with the married girl. I know, it hurts. But I'm not going to allow yet another energy vampire suck my blood.

Hang in there phoenix, and as always, you will rise from the ashes. Much love.

The gas station guy's life-saving bathroom. After yet another successful workshop with the sage woman, I drove downtown and walked the slightly snowy streets. A bookstore was beckoning my attention, so I went inside and perused the aisles. That's when nature decided to scream at me from my bowels. Because women surrounded me at the workshop (as is common in most alternative healing meet-ups ), I held in the hot air balloon of sulfury gas that I was accumulating all morning. It wasn't just gas, though; something leviathan was lurking in the mysterious depths of my colon. I speed-walked to the front desk and asked if they had a restroom. Nope. I immediately rushed out of there and went next door to the clothing store. I asked the woman with twenty pounds of make-up if they had a restroom. Only for employees, she replied. The closest restroom is on the corner of the street next to the highway. So I proceeded to walk through the (fortunately) butt-clenching cold to search for the long-lost restroom. I couldn't find it. Shit! I thought. Definitely the proper thought to have, in more than one way. I rushed my skinny legs further down the street and stumbled upon a gas station. Walking inside, I asked the employee if they had a restroom. Yes, but for customers only, he replied. But you can go to the bathroom first. You've got to be kidding me, I thought. Well, at least he's letting me go right away. That bathroom was the cleanest gas station bathroom I've ever been. And that dump...ohhhh man, that dump was the cleanest dirtiest dump I've ever taken. The Ouroboros himself left my colon, and a wave of satisfaction flooded my body, almost like post-orgasm. I left that bathroom with a stride of pride, bought some toilet paper, and talked to the guy up front. I think your bathroom may have saved my life, I told him (No joke, that's exactly what I said, word-for-word). He smirked. After a few miscellaneous words, I asked him, does winter always come this early? He replied, Yep. I remember when I was little, I would wear my winter gear under my halloween costume. I've had a lot of experience with this weather, living here my whole life. I left the gas station and proceeded to walk back to the sushi place, which was my original destination. I looked at the sunset and thought about the gas station guy. There's a guy who's spent his entire life in a bubble of a couple thousand people, probably never been outside of the state, probably goes home after work and eats doritos and whacks it to midget porn. With the right book, or the right Actualized.org video, or a little exposure to death, or just a little travel, he could experience a completely new perspective on life that would expand his experience and make life richer for him. But alas, his life is his life, and he's going to spend the rest of it at that gas station in this small town in which he was raised. The reason I share these seemingly unnecessary elaborate details about the time after my workshop and not the workshop itself, is because they are benchmarkers. A year ago, I would not have been able to take a dump in that gas station - not just because of chronic constipation but also the emotional component of the world feeling unsafe and dirty. Not only is the constipation 90% gone, but the world feels more and more like my oyster. Then there's the gas station guy. A year ago, I would have judged him. I would have thought how much of a loser he is, how much he needs to change, how I could help him, and on and on and on. But today, I just had a normal conversation with a perfectly okay human being on a cold autumn evening. I stared his dorito-encrusted, midget-porned divinity straight in the face and honored it as I honor my own divinity. I loved him as he is, and I had fun wondering about his life and his unique, possibly limited perspective. Nowadays I truly honor the Vampire's Code. There's no reason to shake anyone's world, unless they explicitly ask for it. My need to ruffle feathers in an attempt to fuel spiritual superiority and further separation is gone. The only time I'd ever ruffle feathers now is if I were hugging someone wearing a Tyler Durden feather coat. I'm so happy, even in moments when I'm not. I've come a long way.

the mysterious case of the unsnappable rubberband. I like to think of authentic desire as a rubberband. A massive, unsnappable rubber band. The further you get away from an authentic desire, the more tension and discomfort you feel, and the more you're drawn back to it. I suspect most people live their entire lives in tension with their authentic desires, due to outside influences and programming. I was (and still am) one of them - and let me tell you, that's what hell is. Hell is the willful resistance not just to "what is," but to "what is in your soul." The soul has its own innate, inexplicable drive to do stuff for no rational reasons, and it's our choice to go with that drive or against that drive. Going with the drive risks the loss of everything but guarantees the gain of your soul - a worthwhile trade, in my opinion. On the contrary, going against the drive guarantees some safety and some momentary bouts of pleasure, but it risks the loss of your soul and a life spent in constant tension with that unsnappable rubber band. Fortunately for most people, the tension can get so bad that they have no choice but to "snap back" to their authentic desires. As I continue to uncover my authentic self, I notice that I keep "snapping back" to music. No matter how many times I try to quit, my urge to play guitar and write songs is almost like an urge to poop. It feels totally necessary, even though I'm not taking it seriously. So I keep doing it, and the more I do it, the more I realize how full I feel when I do it. I even notice my appetite for food goes away after playing, because I'm feeding the body what it truly wants - soul food. Once again, I find myself at that crossroads between many fields: alternative healing, diet/lifestyle, music, writing. How do they all fit together? Can they? Am I inventing a puzzle where there is none? I suppose the unsnappable rubberband will let me know as time goes on.

everything is for rent. Everything is for rent. Your clothes, your boots, your motorcycle. The physical, the mental, and even the spiritual. The cost of rent is your gradual unfoldment into peace and joy. Failure to pay the rent results in suffering and toil. Failure to respect the landlord results in a karmic snake coil. And pretending to own leads to eviction from the premises. Best to avoid getting sued by accepting that everything is for rent, dude. Silver and gold Precious stones, so I’m told Ah, we’re clutching, but there ain’t nothing we can hold

a date with myself. Hot diggity dayum! I've been around the block lately. Between living it up in this community, working on the certificate, songwriting, spiritual practice, book editing for the community leader, and trips to the parents' place, my schedule feels almost as jam-packed as...well...jam! Then there was the four-day canoe immersion trip this past weekend, which involved primitive camping and firemaking. Four days is the longest time I've ever camped, and it's also the longest time I've spent in cold, muggy weather. The first two days were wintery. Because my body hasn't adjusted yet to colder temperatures, I was chilled to the bone. The difference between this kind of cold exposure and cold showers is that the former is nonstop. Unless you make a fire or move around a bit, the cold can become a serious issue. Of course, even worse was the third and final days, where it also rained nonstop. Water leaked through the top of my tent and pooled below the sleeping bag. But that was not the most uncomfortable part. The most uncomfortable part was being fully with myself - no distractions whatsoever. Not even the option. Overall, an epic trip, and definitely a powerful practice for personal growth that adds the often overlooked raw physical element. I wrote endlessly in a scrappy-ass journal, especially on the third day. Here's some juicy tidbits:

elsewhere: a retrospective. I have finally made it to Elsewhere. Tomorrow, I will move out of my parent's place and into an intentional community focused on personal growth and connecting with nature. What will I discover? Who will I meet? What treasures will I unearth along the way? Tune in next week to find out! Jokes aside, this has been a hell of a year, both literally and figuratively. Let's copy/paste the bullet points from my first post on this topic and see what I have accomplished thus far (comments on each point in red): Issues: Chronically low self-esteem. I spent most of my young adult life being bullied and sucking up to others. Now I subconsciously believe I'm unworthy. I also believe that I don't deserve to get what I want. Hence the spiritual ego, hence the desire for purity in mind, body, and spirit. Spiritual ego is pretty much gone, but the feelings of unworthiness are still sneaking around. Chronic social anxiety. I'm years behind in my social skills. I notice my subtle body contracts whenever I'm around people. I feel like I'm being judged all the time. Much, much better. I'm finally "catching up." Knee-jerk depression. It's 50% gone since I re-introduced meat back into the diet, but I still have some lows here and there. All gone. Being an INFJ and HSP, especially in a society that wants everything opposite to my personality. I judge myself harshly and beat myself up for not being like everyone else. Not anymore. I'm okay with being weird. ADHD. Again, tweaking the diet's helped a ton with this. Almost completely gone. Supporting myself financially. Uhhhh, what's a jorb? Still working on this one. I'm working towards a couple certificates that will potentially help me pay bills in the future. More on that in another post. Body tensions. Improved a lot since starting hatha yoga, but still terrible posture, back pain, and psychosomatic issues. Posture is noticeably better. Back pain is still there, but much more bearable. Foam rolling and massage balls at night are helping, too. I don't know how to be a friend. No, seriously. I have acquaintances, but virtually no friends. I don't reach out to people, not even my brother. I don't know how. I've been reaching out to people over the past few months, although I don't usually notice it when I do it. This will improve in the coming months. Sexual repression. Likely due to past heartbreaks and weird Freudian shit in childhood. Still repressed, but much more acceptance of my sexual quirks. Living in a town surrounded by old retirees as a twenty-something. I've met other twenty-somethings and like-minded people that meet my needs. Desires: I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to love myself as I am. Definitely feel more comfortable in my skin. Still working on the self-love thing. I'd say 40% improvement in this realm. I want to be comfortable around everyone. I want to be as open as possible. 30% improvement. I want to serve others. Will soon get a certificate that involves serving others. I want to feel joy again. Done. I want to find my place. I found a place. Just not sure if it's my place. I want to be able to commit to things and focus without abandoning ship at any sign of failure. 15% improvement. Needs work. I want to choose what I watch on Youtube instead of the other way around. 65% improvement. MUCH better. I don't get lost in the youtube clickbait as much as I used to. In the meantime, I'd like to have an enjoyable day job that doesn't sap my energy, so I can support myself. Sort of done. Again, those certificates will help me in the near future. I'd like to feel like I'm actually in my body and not feel like an alien. Nope, still an alien. But definitely more in my body. Having a friend scares me and feels too labor-intensive, but I think it would be nice to try. I have a friend now! I'd like to try dating again at some point. Needs work. I want to live on my own again. Done. Phew. Another chapter of my life - done. I'm really leaving the nest this time. I'm a smorgasbord of excited, terrified, nervous, surrendered, incapable, and capable. On the edge of a diving board, waiting to jump into the chrome ooze from Super Mario 64, totally clueless of the outcome. We'll jump, and we'll see. That's life, right?

karma's a ditch. I've been thinking a lot about karma lately. How sometimes, the most loving, helpful thing to do for a person is to leave them to their own devices. Reality will eventually slap them in the face, and it's their free will to go with or against the flow. And some people in this lifetime will continually go against the flow until the day they die. It makes no sense, but neither does Reality in general. The classic curmudgeon comes to mind. You know, the old fart that sits on his rocking chair holding a twelve gauge threatening kids to get off his lawn while the world around him gets bulldozed and un-dozed. The walls around his worldview are becoming brittle, and he will devote the rest of his life to rebuilding the walls in a Sisyphean struggle. I suppose it's noble, because good god, you've got to have some strong principles to go so deeply against the flow. And besides, what's the point in trying to change his mind? He is the legal suicide bomber, so completely entrenched in his ditch of beliefs that he wants to pull other people down, and nobody can pull him out. Karma's a bitch, but she has to be, in order to give the lessons that she needs to give. As Jed McKenna says, Reality can be a playful puppy... but when that puppy doesn't get proper attention, she can piss all over your carpet and rip your sofa to shreds. The reason I'm thinking about karma is because I am positively shocked at my level of acceptance towards the struggles of the people around me. The spiritual ego shut up almost completely. It's not angry at the parents or the clueless store clerks for being so unconscious, and it doesn't crusade for spirituality or personal growth. It's just sitting there in that silent corner of my psyche having a time out with no foreseeable end. I haven't been writing much lately either because there's so little to complain about. Life is miraculous and amazing and painful and uncomfortable and all the shades in between. And it's all good.

I would love to see that some day Glad to hear you're alive and well, Mrs. Barack Obama.

the no-seeking dimension. Last weekend, I went to another training workshop for my therapy-on-steroids technique and came out the other end fresher than vegan excrement. My intuition is through the roof. During any conversation, I am now able to shift between words-mode and energetics-mode. Energetics-mode is where I scan the other person's subtle body, as well as their body language and nonverbal cues, to see the underlying intent behind their words. I am metamorphosing into an energetic lie detector that knows when a person is lying even when they themselves don't realize that they are. My lack of brain fog due to dietary changes has accelerated this intuitive development. The instructor also helped us tap into the "no-seeking dimension" - i.e. being, i.e. the place where there's nothing to "release," nothing to "integrate," nothing to "fix" about anyone or anything. The "seeking dimension" has its place, even if it is illusory. It's what got me to this point. I spend too much time there, however, and visiting the no-seeking dimension gave me respite and a chance for gratitude towards the mystery of life. An analogy came to me as I basked in the relaxation of not seeking. I thought about The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, a game on the N64 that I used to play. The premise: The moon is going to crash into clock town and end the world in three days, and Link the protagonist needs to stop it somehow. That urgency to stop the moon from crashing is the equivalent of how I feel when I'm in the seeking dimension. While urgency propels me forward, it also puts tremendous strain on my body if I'm in it all the time. Then, I imagined a scenario in which the fourth day comes, but the moon never crashes. There would only be...well, this, minus the urgency. The no-seeking dimension. A place where there's no time limit, where there's no feeling of urgency. That's how I felt at the end of the weekend - that innate sense that life is just an epilogue and I can enjoy every moment without the need to rush through everything like a madman in order to stop the moon from crashing. Of course, today I'm back in the seeking dimension, but the no-seeking dimension was a nice place to visit. I know I'll be back there someday.

Thank you for pointing this out. Very relatable.

narcissistic-ethanol in the soul-car. Bloody hell, placebo my ass! I've felt a deep sorrow in my heart these past couple days ever since licking the Emotion Toad. Yesterday morning, I had trouble getting out of bed. Before entering the shower in the evening, I cried for no reason. In the shower after cold thermogenesis, I cried some more. In my room, subconscious told me to listen to a particular song, and the first few chord strums made me cry some more. In bed, on the acupressure mat, my chest was vibrating as though it were ready to cry some more. Guess what? I did. Today, the feelings of loneliness, depression, rejection, sorrow, frustration, and agitation had a party and left broken Solo cups in my chest. They were all hungover and vomited too - no sense of self-respect. Basically, today felt like my imaginary dog of ten years had died. Given my practice in emotional mastery, I am able to weather the storm. But still, this fucking hurts! What comes to mind is this. I spent more than ten years of my life constructing a house - a big, grandiose fucking house with an expertly thatched roof and bidets in the bathroom. The kind of house any naïve ten-year-old would dream to have. That house has been my persona, or what I present to the world. But now that I'm digging deep and looking through the house, I can't seem to find anyone living inside of it. It's so sad. I feel this emptiness inside myself, like someone or something robbed the pure-octane gasoline from my soul-car and replaced it with narcissistic-ethanol. Deep down, I feel that the quality of meaning in my life is 2% of what it could be. I feel the splinter in my mind, as Morpheus puts it. But most of all, I feel this sadness in my heart ripe to release.

@Samuel Rdz , thank you for sharing your thoughtful, poetic words. Over the past few years I've had tastes of what you talk about - and I know precisely the feeling of things getting worse before they get better. Right now I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff, and at the bottom is either luscious waves or craggy rocks. I'm about to move out of my living situation, and the one I'm moving into is conducive for this work in a harsh sort of way. Thank you for the suggestions. I will queue ACIM as my next book to read. As for the psychedelics, I will potentially take DMT and Ayahuasca in ceremonies within a year, so that base is already covered

the emotion toad. Apparently I had 124 generations of sorrow and 64 generations of rejection stuck in my heart. Yesterday, I did an Emotion Code session for the second time. I did the first one a couple months ago with a pendulum, but this one was with another facilitator that used muscle testing. The premise of this healing modality is that we all have stuck emotions in our body, and through manipulating intuition and magnetism, these emotions can clear. I was a bit skeptical at first, but considering I've done much more woo-woo shit over the past couple years...I thought, ahhh what the heck. What's the worst that could happen? I teleport to the land of Unicorns? An important concept from the modality is the Heart Wall. Virtually everyone has one. It's the armor we construct to protect us from feeling hurt in our hearts. Some people are more armored than others...and I happen to be one of those people. The facilitator told me my heart wall is (metaphorically) two miles in radius, which is one of the largest she's seen. During our session, we released more than ten of the emotions that comprise the heart wall. I had my fair share of psychosomatic reactions, including yawns and uncontrollable laughter for no reason. Some of the emotions released: Overwhelm Rejection from 64 generations Sorrow from 124 generations Abandonment from when I was 7 Abandonment from when I was 8 Panic from when I was 6 Resentment toward a female when I was 19 (I remember that one...) And many more. The facilitator told me that I would feel wonky the next few days, and boy is she right. My chest pain is worse, I felt the urge to cry last night for no reason, I'm exhausted and yawny, and I woke up feeling immense sorrow and a desire to stay in bed the rest of the day. Placebo? Maybe, maybe not. Either way, I signed up for a few more sessions, along with a couple IR sauna sessions. I'm curious to see where this all leads. Worst case scenario, I lose a few bucks for the placebo effect, which I still think is money well spent. All hail the Emotion Toad! Perfect timing, too, since this weekend I'm doing another workshop for the aforementioned "therapy on steroids" technique. So maybe heaven is a ghetto with no bad blocks Shangri-La dealers at the bus stops And maybe god is just a cop that we can fast talk So if you're guilty and you know it, put your hands up 'Cause karma's just a different Word for bad luck And what if death is just another pair of handcuffs Then we'd better run Then we'd better run

getting used to the water. A few days ago, I took an evening drive through the forest because...why the fuck not. The newly autumn sun was peeking through a cloud, the air was humming with life, music was blasting, and I was zipping past the trees. Just me and the road. I thought about where I'd been over the past year and how I got to that present moment while chills of gratitude crept down my spine. A year ago, I was the sole survivor of a shipwreck, desperately hanging on to a floating board. My body was cold, my feelings were numb, and my mind was dissociated. But instead of trying to find another ship to wreck, I got used to the water. Instead of desperately grabbing onto more boards to stay afloat, I let the boards come to me. Now, my body is warmer, I can feel again, and my mind is coming back. I have never felt better in my life - and every day gets better. Despite the anxiety of not knowing myself, my mood is stable. I met a girl who lights me up and is ironically teaching me how to be okay with aloneness. She's inspired me to practice an abundance mentality, and now I find myself giving gifts to all the people I've met up here. I underestimated how good it feels to give without receiving. I'm still addicted to the internet, as it provides a surrogate feeling of community that I sometimes lack. There's no point for me to resist it any longer; it will drop on its own, because within a month, I will move out and live with a community of like-minded people in the woods. Their focus is psychological healing, rewilding, and empowerment. I think this is the perfect next step for me, as I will live in the same area, but I will have more distance from the family for individuation. I still feel rage towards the parents, but I figure it's the rocket fuel I need to get the hell out of here. The more I learn. The less I know. The happier I am.

the museum of natural unnaturals. I am tired of being a psychological fossil in the museum of natural unnaturals. I am tired of playing the stagnant game of broken promises with other immovable fossils, pretending like the world never changes while exhibits come and go. I am tired of holding space for the ones who whine of their condition while the exit doors beckon every willing soul. The clock is ticking in the museum of natural unnaturals, and every new hour is a fighting chance to break our darling roles.

a life that's true to you. Knowledge is a decorative plate sitting on a table sheet in front of a lavish banquet. To use knowledge without wisdom is to eat the plate - it cracks your teeth and tastes like shit. Wisdom is the tempting scrumptious food at the lavish banquet. To use wisdom without knowledge makes for a messy dinner - the guests scorn your lack of table manners. A plate supports the food, and the food supports what you do. Both are needed for a life that's true to you.

oblivious fat woman. Things are shifting in me. I'm reminded of that one scene in WALL-E where WALL-E accidentally bumps into one of the oblivious fat people on the ship, who truly notices her surroundings for the first time: I am that oblivious fat woman. For years, I successfully avoided participating 100% in my life. I am the wallflower, koo-koo ka-choo. I used a variety of distractions to cope with the empty feelings, but now those distractions have run their course. (Until another set of distractions find their way into my life, and I get sucked into the unconscious vortex once more...dun dun duuuuuun...) My Internet/Information addiction is on its way to the trash. As that happens, I realize how empty my life is - empty of quality meaning and relationships. Empty of that vivacious, self-expressive juice I used to have as a kid. Of course, I won't discount my near-miraculous transformation over the past year. Life is definitely a lot fuller than a year ago, but I clearly see now that I still have a ways to go. I'm eager to live fully, but I'm simultaneously afraid to live fully - like a dog that's lived in a cage his whole life and is too afraid to leave, even though the cage door is open. A psychological death is required to proceed, as is the case with most personal growth. Yesterday's events shook me in a good way. I acquired a fresh new perspective on things, and it makes my old perspective feel... well, old. And it makes my current circumstances feel expired. More specifically: the longer I stay in this living arrangement with the parents, the more I feel like I'm wearing an itchy wool sweater that I want to take off immediately. Fortunately, I think I have an escape route.

shamanic snuff trip report. Date: 8/21/18 or 21/8/18 for you weirdos. Time of administration: ~2:00pm or 14:00 for you sensible people. Shamanic snuff or "rapé" is a legal plant medicine commonly used in conjunction with ayahuasca ceremonies. It subtly helps to clear your energy body and re-align your chakras - no psychedelic visions with this particular plant medicine. The setting was perfect. We sat at the bottom of a bridge next to a river in a secluded natural area. I was a bit closed off energetically, but the sound of rushing water soothed my aching resistance. Holding a rose quartz crystal to the heart helped too. When the time was right, I set my intention: to release the emotional blockages that prevent me from being true to myself. I looked into the ground rapé and saw the image of a baby being held. Very fitting for my situation and well-received. The medicine kind of looked like ground black pepper, and the smell was pungent and earthy. A little more than 1/8 teaspoon (probably around 0.5g) was added to the pipe. I took a deep breath, and my guide blew rapé into one nostril. Another deep breath, and the rest was blown into the second nostril. Immediately I felt an overwhelming burning sensation in my throat. It felt as though a sandstorm was in my throat, and I couldn't breathe through my mouth. My general sense of being in the third eye shifted upwards, as though I was hovering above my body when my eyes were closed. What happened after that was a bit of a blur. I felt a little nauseous. My eyes teared like crazy, and I wiped the tears over my throat. The medicine worked its way through my entire body, grounding and cleansing me. I felt the urge to hock loogies, so I did, and out came the rapé. The after-effects were subtle yet profound. My heart chakra realigned itself, and I felt a deep loving connection with everything around me, including my guide. I laughed of joy. Memories of feeling this way in childhood flooded my head. I thought of one of my guinea pigs, and how he taught me how to love. I thought of that one girl in first grade with whom I held hands, and the memory made me smile. I thought of the home in which I grew up and immediately felt deep grief. Grief for the loss of childhood innocence. Grief for the loss of dependence. Grief for being out of the nest. I sat with that grief and tried to cry, but nothing came up. Instead, I felt through the immense pressure in my chest. After the coherence, I sat along the river for awhile to integrate what happened. Overall, the experience lasted around ten minutes. The verdict: Definitely another tool to add to the psychological healing toolkit. I would recommend rapé to beginner psychonauts, as it is mild but powerful enough to stir your energy body and produce much-needed insights into your life. I still have some integrating to do. Oddly enough, more significant things happened before and after the ceremony, rather than during the ceremony itself.

still a worse love story than twilight. I try not to go too deeply into personal life here...but this is just killing me. I'm not saying that I've read it... but you know how in the first Twilight, when Bella meets Edward for the first time, she winces in pain because of how attracted she is to him? That's how I feel about a particular someone I met recently. I barely know her, but my heart hurts for her. Literally hurts. I could bathe all day in her energy without saying a single word. She could say the stupidest shit, and none of it would change the way I feel about her. My body is like this: . She's a beautiful human, inside and out, and makes me grateful to be alive. To witness her spectacle and see God through her eyes is a gift of meaning. But damn, it hurts. Why? She's......married. And I met her husband, and he's a wonderfully nice guy. And I am very respectful of boundaries. Seems as though the Universe loves to toy with me in this realm. All of the girls that I resonate with are either taken or halfway across the world. Going deeper... throughout childhood, just like my "friends," I was attracted to women that I could "rescue" to feel admired. But as Alice Miller points out in Drama of the Gifted Child, admiration is a substitute for true love. Playing the rescuer role destroys intimacy. On an even deeper level... my relationships were Oedipal. I was attracted to women who resembled my mother, as I didn't receive proper mirroring as a baby and was looking to meet those needs through my crushes. I exuded neediness and repressed my masculine energy, which destroyed any sexual polarity. So basically, every single relationship I've ever had with any women ended in either being friendzoned or rejected. They saw through my bullshit years before I did. Fun times. Now, the questions I don't want to ask... Am I attracted to this woman because I want to rescue her in some way? Because her energy is motherly? Hmm... Time will tell. I'll try not to worry about this too much and instead focus on bettering, loving, and uncovering myself. Because once I can truly be happy and fulfilled on my own, I figure that's when the relationship stuff will start to bloom as a bonus. It's like icing on a cake. Cake is great on its own (especially yellow cake; holy shite if I didn't react to the gluten I would be morbidly obese from eating it every day), but it's even better with some icing.

every person is a work of art. The month was February. This particular night was untainted like a private lake. I was sitting with a musician friend who is thirty years older but feels like a long-lost sibling. Our conversation dipped below pretense as the night carried on. She shared her struggles with me, and I shared mine with her. I expressed general resentment towards my family, especially my father. I thought he was an unconscious prick. I nitpicked every single one of his personality flaws and relished the resulting narcissistic high. One of the personality flaws was too easy to criticize: his obsessive-compulsiveness and need for everything to be über organized. My friend respectfully disagreed. She told me how amazed she was whenever she came over and saw the shelves on wheels with perfectly labelled boxes. She told me how amazed she was when she learned of his resilience in single-handedly providing for a family in which one of the members has autism. She told me how amazed she was that all of us grew up relatively unscathed. Sure, we all have our differences and disagreements, she said. But look into the man's eyes. Look into his past. Organizing things may be a way he copes, but it's also his artwork, whether he realizes it or not. Every person is a work of art, JJ, and every work of art just wants to be appreciated in its entirety, warts and all. I still keep in mind what she said that night. Nobody's perfect; everyone has flaws. And paradoxically, in accepting the flaws you find perfection - not just in others, but also in yourself. And that perfection is art. The Universe is a canvas. Humanity is a paintbrush.

@Azote Tell me about it...Sheesh! I hope you're doing well Your bracelet thingies are gorgeous.