jjer94

welcome back! Welp, here he comes again. Hey there, Depression! I had a feeling you'd be back. Come, sit, have a cup of tea with me. Let me give you the mic. D: I'M SUCH A FUCKUP! Depression, anxiety, sensitivity, neuroticism, chronic health issues, victim mentality - all inherited from my mom's side. The same karmic cycles repeated through three generations: my grandma to my mom, and my mom to me. And worst of all, I'M A MAN! At least I'd be more socially accepted as a female. FUCK! Birth trauma, being smothered as a kid, having decisions made for me, being called a wimp and a crybaby, being encouraged to "man up". Expected to stay at the same job for forty years, get married, have kids, lead a "keep up with the Joneses" kind of life, just like my dad and brother, who are polar opposites to me. CONGRATULATIONS, MOM! YOU CREATED FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER! Wow-wee. Where do we start? Hmm... So why does Mom infuriate you? D: Because she fucking made me. Now I have to go through years of therapy to just be at the same psychological stability as your average joe. How many years wasted, chasing my tail. Who knows... thanks, Mom! You believe Mom shouldn't have made you. Is that true? D: Yes. I just want to be normal. I just want to fit in for once in my stupid fucking life. I have no more anesthesia, and it's driving me nuts. I'm so lonely, none of my family understands what I'm going through, and even if I started being honest like this, they'd lash back out at me because they themselves are so psychologically underdeveloped. My birth wasn't a mistake, but I am a mistake. Dayum, a lot more assumptions there. But what's the reality of the situation? D: The reality is: she made me, I am the way I am, and I'm doing all that I can to cope. How do you react when you believe these thoughts? D: How do you think? I get fucking depressed! I get hopeless! I get INFURIATED at everyone and everything! I fucking HATE myself! I hate how emotionally unstable I am! I hate how life just LAID all this shit on me, and now I'm expected to deal with it, while everyone else my age is moving on with their lives like it's a fucking cake walk. I feel like I shouldn't have been born! Who would you be without these thoughts? D: I'd be...present. I'd be able to meditate without going crazy. I'd savor the moment. I'd stay devoted to the pathless path, über disciplined, with the hope that it will transform me over the years. I'd accept myself, warts and all. I'd accept that I'm different from most guys my age, and there's nothing fundamentally wrong about that - it is what it is. I'd learn to cultivate my strengths to the utmost degree. I'd be willing to laugh at myself. I'd see my shortcomings as my strengths. I'd be willing to show my face to others without shame, and maybe have a chance at making friends again. Ahh, there. We have much more to discuss, Señor Depression.

mind, inc. I'm still glowing from that on-the-fly zazenkai. I feel happy for a change! Genuinely happy. My depression is gone, my anxiety much less. Though I suspect these things will come back in waves as ego continues to buck like a bronco. I learned, on a visceral level, that what we call "reality" is all in the mind. Society, humanity, the future, work, pay, self survival. It's all thoughts. My depression only appears when I blow these stories out of proportion. Here's another way to put it: Right now, I'm in my bedroom, typing these words. I have food, water, shelter, and a place to sleep. No immediate threats. No one else in the room. For all I know, I could be the only person in existence right now. But then the mind goes, "But what about my safety in the future? All of the jobs I've done in the past have been royally unfulfilling, and I can't do 9-to-5. That restricts most of my job options. So what now? How will I make ends meet? How will I be able to carry out a purpose? How do I even know what purpose is right for me? It's gotta help others in some way. Fuck. I shouldn't even bother trying, because I've failed so much in the past. I'm done. No way I'll be able to support myself. Society's fucked. It's not made for people like me. There's no hope. May as well kill myself now." That's how insane the mind is. It can manufacture its own world "out there": job, society, others, purpose, et cetera. It can use any evidence to rationalize anything it wants. Then it believes itself, and the body reacts as if its life is being threatened. Hence, anxiety and depression. (Side note: In the context of MBTI, this is expected. The INFJ's inferior cognitive function is extraverted sensing, i.e. being in the here and now.) Yet, all that's happening right now is me typing these words. Some planning is important, but for people like me who live a year into the future and imagine a thousand possibilities every waking moment, meditation and yoga are crucial. There's no stopping me on this journey to nowhere. It's my lifeblood! I've committed to it like a marriage. And a bonus video:

Another side note. I went vegan/raw vegan for half a year and had major issues as well, so I switched back to keto/paleo. In the meantime, I began working on the subtle body through daily yoga and psychedelic therapy, releasing tons of emotions and bodily tensions. Now, after cultivating more body awareness, I'm gravitating back to a plant-based diet. The point is, your issues may not all stem from diet. There are many other factors to consider: psychosomatic tensions, lack of body awareness, daily exercise, PD or spiritual practices, supplements, heredity, anxiety, depression, the list goes on.

Have you ever tried a pressure cooker like the Instant Pot? It cooks grains and legumes much better than stovetop. Also, try these.

By far the best one.

on-the-fly zazenkai. @Danielle's recent post inspired me to do my own little retreat! Due to my current living situation, however, I could only do it for a half day. Even so, I learned SO MUCH more than I thought I would. I shall name this type of retreat...the On-the-fly Zazenkai! The Stats: Began at 7:30 AM, ended at 5:00 PM (or 17:00 for you more sensible folk) 3 hrs meditation Contemplation in between activities 45 minutes contemplative snowshoeing 1 hr yoga 30 min yoga nidra 1 totally heinous trip to the grocery store 5 involuntary yodels Only 1 cry 6 verbal "Fuck!"s 53 green stars collected 2 dragons slain The Equipment: My trusty zafu (that has a hole in it and spills beads everywhere) Insight timer Acupressure mat Snowshoes My dignity The Insights: Distraction = "Since sitting in silence literally equates to my death...hey! Look at this!" Anger = "X wronged me in the past, so I need to reinforce my sense of separateness by breaking shit!" My mind effectively distracted me from meditation by generating these insights to share. I am addicted to the half-baked social sustenance from this forum. I use it to distract myself from face-to-face interaction. I have a mother-and-child relationship with myself. The human psyche is literally insane. It has to be, in order to create something from nothing. The tension deep in my navel: "I'm not safe. I am dependent. Resources are scarce. I need to armor myself against rejection in order to prevent abandonment." The mind wants to do anything BUT look inward. I'm not mindful enough during the day. Most of the time, I'm a scheming bastard. I felt remorseful for the way I treated my mom this morning (which wasn't even that bad). Then I realized that my need to apologize was a knee-jerk reaction stemming from the fear of abandonment. And here I thought that saying sorry was just being courteous...nope. Another ego defense mechanism. We create time in order to avoid being God. Suffering and the need to control are fraternal twins. Upon disintegrating: "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISAAAA!!!!" I am nowhere near ready for a 10-day vipassana retreat. My back is nearly destroyed after three hours of meditation. Physical pain is inherently painless. I officially have a crush on everything. Holyshitholyshitholyshit...nothing to do. This insight goes deeper and deeper. I could die right now and it wouldn't even matter. In a sense, I'm half-dead already. That's...amazing! Life is like icing on the formless cake! I discovered a huge reason why I feel so depressed all the time. More on that in a future post. I can see myself doing something like this every week, or at least an Internet sabbath. I feel amazing, happy, grateful, and in awe. At the same time, I feel terrified about where this will lead. That's all, folks. Tune in next week for another episode of "JJ Goes Crazy," where you can witness my unraveling first-hand!

Just a theory: Artists are usually not grounded in a spiritual practice, making them psychologically volatile. They have no tools to cope with negative thinking, so it tends to snowball until they have to numb it with recreational drugs or alcohol. Spiritual people, on the other hand, are grounded in a spiritual practice, which transforms their psyche and prevents mental instability. Another observation: Artists tend to feel more deeply than most people. On an MBTI, most artists comprise the _NF_ category. Hence the psychological volatility. Source: An artist that would have killed himself a while back if not for daily spiritual practice.

radical leftist shadow-boxing. This interview is legendary: In particular, I'm fascinated with the underlying psychological dynamics. I can sympathize with radical leftists like Cathy. I myself have felt like a victim most of my life. Unresolved victim mentality naturally results in projection - "The other person is evil and should change for me." You can wait forever before they change, or you can adopt a narrative that validates said victim mentality. Enter radical leftism, a group of people who have not taken responsibility for their inner space. It's shadow-boxing on the macrocosmic level. In order to hide the underlying egoic hatred for the oppressor and to make themselves feel good, radical leftists present their arguments under the guise of compassion and inclusivity. But they are far from it: "Your right to free speech should not be above your right to offend ____." They want to design a world where they can avoid all of their own triggers. They want to design a world where they can avoid looking inward. Ken Wilber calls this phenomenon "Boomeritis." Boomeritis is stage green infected with stage red in Spiral Dynamics. An outward hippy, but inward mob boss. I don't deny the patriarchy. I don't deny that feminism and the left's consideration of oppressed groups throughout history has been crucial for the world's psychological advancement. But I think it ought to come from a place of love, not of vindication. That's real liberalism. Coming from a place of love requires lots of inner work though, which is why I think people like Leo are so crucial for the future. Fascinating how our psychological development (or lack thereof) can dictate our political views.

whoa. Whoa. Where did it go? For the past couple days, my social anxiety's been running at 50% capacity. The body is finally starting to give in! It knows that human connection is a crucial aspect to living, and it knows that it can only enjoy others' company when it's relaxed. Benjamin Smythe makes an excellent point on social anxiety: We can only be anxious when we want something from the other person. If we're relaxed in the body and feel complete, we can treat social interaction like a dance rather than a business contract. Though I think it's impossible to not want something out of our relationships, this idea is still useful to keep in mind. I used to compare myself to the average person my age and think how much of a failure I am. But that's like comparing apples to oranges. We're all so different. We all have our unique struggles, our unique upbringing, our unique brain chemistry, our strengths and our weaknesses. We're all at a different place on the journey to nowhere. In the grand scheme of things, age is a poor marker for psychological growth. But compare past JJ to present JJ, and I see considerable growth. (Especially since I started that daily yoga practice, holy shit.) That's good enough for me. I don't need to be a superstar; I just need to know that I'm stretching myself. Sure, I've been more emotionally turbulent, but that's because I'm running out of ways to anesthetize myself. My eyes hurt because I've never used them before.

@phoenix666 We must be long-lost siblings! Parents are your greatest teachers. They are quick to forgive, which allows you to observe your emotional reactions more easily.

the tragic miracle of meaning. The tragedy and miracle of the human condition: we can create meaning where there is none. It's perfect. I don't think meaning is a bug, but a feature. As Jed McKenna said in one of his books, if life had meaning, it wouldn't mean a thing. The tragedy is that we desperately try to find grounding in a groundless universe. We want things to last. We want security, solidity, and familiarity. But no matter how hard we try, eventually our sand castles merge with the beach. The miracle is that meaning is an emergent property, and it's so dang meaningful. We can indulge in meaning for meaning's sake. We can tap into the higher virtues like beauty, purpose, wonder, agape - without even needing a ground for them. At the intersection of the tragedy and the miracle is suffering. But the suffering can mean something, and that makes the world a difference. The movie Blade Runner 2049 exemplifies this dynamic. The protagonist, K, turns out to be the most ordinary replicant with no affiliation with the more "important" characters. And yet, even knowing this fact, he still creates his own purpose. He saves Deckard from another replicant and reunites him with his real daughter. He doesn't care that his life is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. His suffering meant something to him. He found purpose in an otherwise purposeless existence. If that's not a miracle, I don't know what is. P.S. Blade Runner 2049 is an incredibly underrated movie with gorgeous cinematography. Thinking about it and its predecessor makes my heart swell. <3

@Natasha I don't blame you; I don't follow politics either. Trump being a conservative, the focus was on economic growth, domestic security (i.e. immigration reform, tighter borders, the wall), nationalism, heroism, and building a nuclear arsenal. Basically: It is what it is.

shadow boxing, part 42. I'm so goddamn depressed and suicidal and angry right now. At everything. At the world. At Dad. People should be waking up, not falling for this State of the Union bullshit! GAH! Is this true? Fuck yes! Spiral dynamics? The evolution of the psyche? This is the 21st century, and there's still racism! You've gotta be fucking kidding me! Why can't people be more like me? Is this really really true? Yes. Raising consciousness is the prime directive of life, and most people are asleep to it. How do you feel and act when you believe that thought? Furious. Especially at Dad, with his petty little unconscious ego defense mechanisms. My God, wake the fuck up so I can have a decent conversation with you! You're so damn rigid! It's like I'm stepping on eggshells when I talk to you! I have to purposely close myself down and be quiet and agreeable just to please you so I can stay in your house and be a good boy so that I don't have to live out on the streets because I'm too neurotic to support myself otherwise. In other words, Dad, why don't you change your ways and get into PD so I can connect with you instead of having to go out there into the cold dark world myself in order to find my tribe and risk failure and rejection in the process? (Wow, that one's an egoic mouthful.) Sad. This world is going down the shitter. Our ways are not sustainable. We're all going to die prematurely. Nihilistic. Why even bother in a world like this? What's the point? This is a fucking zoo that I don't want to be a part of. We all spiral in and out of nothingness, with a few peak experiences but mostly suffering in between. As human beings with a separate sense of self hard-wired into the brain, we are hard-wired to suffer. We huddle in tribes to avoid the black hole in the center of our existence, adopt beliefs that limit reality and create the illusion of security, and grow like a cancer. What's one stress-free reason to keep these thoughts? I don't have to participate in any of it. I can just kill myself instead. I said stress-free. The act of suicide is very stress-inducing. None. Who would you be without these thoughts? Just someone who does my own business with no concern for those who are asleep. They'll wake up when they wake up. I'd be at peace with it. I'd go elsewhere and find people I can connect with on a deeper level. Maybe I'd admit myself to some facility so I can at least learn how to talk with people without debilitating anxiety. I'd love mom and dad and let them do their thing, while I do my thing. You secretly believe you should be waking up. Yes... I've been distracting myself a lot lately. Not being present. Cutting meditation short. Not doing the work. You secretly believe people shouldn't be more like you. No, they shouldn't. I'm a neurotic mess. I don't accept myself as I am. You secretly believe you're not sustainable. No, I'm not. I would be terrible as a father. At the rate I'm unraveling, I will die prematurely, psychologically and perhaps literally. You secretly believe people who aren't ready shouldn't be waking up. No, they shouldn't. It's a long, arduous process that takes lots of emotional labor. Not everyone is ready for it in this lifetime. You secretly believe you're a fucking zoo that you don't want to be a part of. True dat. I feel out of control, my body feels like a prison, nothing seems to work for me or with me, and I want out. You secretly believe you should wake the fuck up so you can have a decent conversation with your Dad. Yes. I'm too enamored with my own projected bullshit to actually see the soul that is my Dad. Maybe if I let go of all my anger, we could joke around like we used to. You are rigid. Yes. I'm militant about PD and spirituality. Anyone I see who supports tradition and stagnation bothers me. And yet, by holding onto my militant views about PD and spirituality and expecting people to change, I myself am being rigid. Are you willing to let people stay asleep? Are you willing to let them fall for the "State of the Union bullshit," as you call it? Yes and yes. It's too painful to stay angry. If you get triggered in the future, you'll know your work isn't done. Understood. Can you let all of this go now? Yes. I'm sorry for all the bullshit. It's all okay, love. Will you let it go? Yes.

the self-unraveling circus. (In the voice of your friendly neighborhood Donald J Trump) This is the event of the century, folks! Step right up to see JJ's self-unraveling circus! BEHOLD! The bearded victim! A giraffe-necked nihilist! The tallest, mopiest, most anxious superego in the world! An existentialist elephant that prefers cashews over peanuts! Trapeze swingers that contemplate existence in mid-air! WOW-WEE! Punch 'em right in the pu------rpose! You don't want to miss this one, folks! It's going to be TREMENDOUS. (Just like China.) Tickets are sold at the entrance. The price? Your ego! (I'll take that, thank you very much.) Twenty percent of the proceeds go to the Center for Unconscious Individuals. It's a new thing I'm starting up. I like it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a State of the Union Address to make, where I'm going to talk about JOBS, JOBS, JOBS! Stay strong, my friends!

somewhere I belong. I had a long myofascial release session yesterday - a great massage technique for releasing repressed emotions. Afterwards, I felt like I was on LSD. But today, I'm really taking a hit. Sometimes, I have so much despair that it snowballs into Frosty the Suicidal Snowman. The pain in this body feels endless, as though I could cry the length of the Nile River and still not be done. It runs deeper than the iceberg that hit Titanic, stronger than all of Rocky's opponents, faster than Forrest Gump. Right now, I feel down in the dumps. I don't know what the hell to do with my life. I feel helpless and hopeless. My body feels like a physical prison with all its tensions. I feel like damaged goods. But most of all, I feel like I don't belong anywhere. Besides a few hints of belonging in childhood, I've been disconnected from people most of my life, instead using books, music, video games, and other modalities to cope. While one of my subpersonalities wants to find face-to-face people I can deeply connect with, another subpersonality hates (and is afraid of) humanity, probably because of past rejections. So not only do I not have my belongingness need met, I am fundamentally at war with myself to the point where it feels near impossible to get the need met. With socializing, self-sabotaging behavior is my modus operandi. If becoming God is about becoming limitless, then all limitations must be transcended. In that case, overcoming my social neuroses is one of the most spiritual things I can do at the moment. I'm sick of being holier-than-thou. I just want to connect, to laugh, to love, to be free.

the all-seeing eye. All of this emotional purgation over the past week has created a clearing in me. I feel less like Squidward and more like the all-seeing eye of Sauron, minus the evilness. (Well, I'll always be a little evil.) I see so much more: How I've used spirituality and PD for the past few years to avoid socializing and being a part of the societal framework. How I've created and maintained environments that emulate the environment I had during childhood (inside most of the day, spending time with pets, staring at a screen playing video games [Replaced by learning and watching YT videos] in a state of constant bodily tension, decisions made for me by mommy and daddy [Guess who's back home? Guess who's having difficulty deciding what to do with his life?]). How I've used distractions to dissociate from painful bodily tensions and numb body awareness. How I've used suicidal ideation to campaign against living life. Suicide: A paradoxical survival mechanism in which the psyche plans to kill itself not because it wants to, but because it's avoiding its own death in life. Live life enough, and aspects of the psyche will die. Through suicide, the psyche can bypass that ensnaring, sometimes unbearable, emotionally laborious process. (Honestly, going through those nearly unbearable moments myself, I can see why some people would choose suicide.) How when I spend too much time alone, I get paradigm-locked in my head and feel depressed. Again, now I see the importance of human interaction - with anyone. Even interacting with my unrelatable (and lovable) parents last night massively uplifted my mood. In the context of evolution, it's easy to forget that we humans are tribal animals. How brisk physical exercise can also uplift mood, help me lose my mind and come to my senses. How I unconsciously hold tension in my body, especially in the lower abdomen. How I "try" to meditate and "try" to do yoga, expecting to get something out of these practices, rather than savoring the practice itself. On a similar vein, noticing the difference between efforting and effortlessness. How effortlessness comes from consciously "letting go." How there's nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to be, and how I've ironically used PD and spirituality to avoid these bitter truths. How I blindly believe Leo sometimes without thinking things through myself. How I distract myself from doing real inner work - sometimes through sneaky ways like reading PD books. How even after reading The Six Pillars of Self Esteem, going through different exercises, reading through old journal entries, practicing self-love and forgiveness, I still have low self-esteem. How I use MBTI and other tests to promote victim mentality (e.g. I'm an INFJ, I'm just wired this way, I have ADD, I'm so fucked up beyond repair, society's not made for people like me, nobody understands me, etc.), which likely stems from getting loving attention from mommy when I played the victim card back in the day. How I wonder if anyone reading this actually got this far. How I have a lot of repressed anger from playing the Good Boy role all these years. How I genuinely enjoy writing these entries because they're amusing to me and help collect my thoughts. How I used to fish for reputation points when they were still around, and how I still sometimes check the forum expecting a notification. I've been effectively Pavlov'ed. How I still try to hold my life together in the subtlest of ways. And oh so much more. Now for the Leo clichés: I've only scratched the surface. I could write for HOURS on each individual bullet point. There's lots of nuance here, so be careful. Most people don't understand how deep this goes. Do you want to be enlightened and work at 7-11? All right, that's it. Please click the "like" button... oh wait, shit!

pure aloneness. I am unraveling. I see my life slowly crumbling before my eyes. My dream is turning into a nightmare. Ego is using everything up its arsenal to prevent the unraveling, especially thoughts of suicide. Suicidal ideation - the ultimate defense mechanism against dying - the ultimate irony. My body, my mind, everything is contracting. Too afraid to die, but too afraid to live. The self-loathing demon spawns in my head prevent me from moving further. They are voices from the past, telling me how much of a worthless piece of shit I am, how I don't deserve anything at all, how I should believe them because they're true. But that's not the hardest part. The hardest part is realizing that there's nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to be. Total self-annihilation. The achievement-oriented life was a sham all along. There is nothing that is lacking, but I want something to lack. I want a reason to go on. I want a god-given purpose, live a god-given life, be a paragon to behold. I want to be remembered. I want a lasting legacy. I want to survive as an ego! I never asked for this, damnit! But I just had to tug at the curtain, didn't I. After my friend's suicide, I had no choice. I just had to be the fuck-up that slinks in the corner to find the big gaping void behind the back door. Most of all, I don't want to be alone. But this is where true spirituality leads - pure aloneness as a direct experience. Always alone, no sense of any "others." Having a glimpse of this last night made me scream and cry in horror. I know I know, dramatic as hell. But not to the ego - my life is on the line. Me.

Yep! I moved his cushy bed into the apartment. Poor thing...The owner doesn't have any toys for him, so I got him a sumo on the first day. You know, one of those red weird-shaped hollow things that you can stuff with treats. He's having a "ball" with it ........ Yes, pets are your friendly neighborhood zen masters in disguise. Though it's very easy to take that for granted, especially since I spend most of my day in thought-storyland. Thanks for sharing, Natasha!

the iceberg below the surface. Welp, time to pull a Tyler Durden. It's almost 4AM. I let the doggy in, as per @Natasha 's suggestion, and he's sleeping on the floor next to the bed. Hopefully no flare-ups from here onwards. Thanks for the suggestion! I'm less curious as to what he feels when he scratches the door, and more curious as to why I didn't let him in in the first place. On the surface, I prefer to sleep alone. He's not my dog. I was also worried that he would jump on the bed and annoy me. But there's something deeper: self-loathing projection. Trying to do The Work on little tussles like this is like trying to cut a single head off of a thousand-headed hydra. I think the heart of most of my issues is a lack of self-acceptance. Logically and linguistically, I can accept myself. I can see through reading my old journal entries how the circumstances shaped my personality. How what's happened has happened, that I didn't know any better, etc. Typing myself through MBTI was surprisingly enlightening as well. The self-loathing, however, is deeply engraved in my bones. It's like a subconscious, knee-jerk modus operandi - the iceberg below the surface. It's not detectable via thoughts or language. Rather, I see it as an energetic signature. I think most limiting subconscious beliefs operate this way - as these language-less irrational energetic demon spawns of the mind-body. They maintain their hold by remaining outside the realm of language and thought. Even if you illuminate the beliefs themselves, they remain embedded in the subconscious for the weeks and months to come. Which is probably why I resonate so much with psychedelic therapy and bodywork like yoga and massage. Maybe I'm nuts, but that's how I feel. These self-loathing thoughts, actions, and projections don't feel like they're mine. Instead, they possess me. When they come fully to the surface, it can feel like an exorcism is occurring. More on that in another entry, perhaps. In the meantime, I ought to try sleeping.

pobrecito. Okay, I've had it. What's wrong? For the past three nights of housesitting, I've awoken in the middle of the night to scratching on the door and whining. The dog won't stop crying. Last night, he did it four fucking times, in one-hour intervals - 1:30 AM, 2:40 AM, 3:40 AM, and then 4:50 AM. At the end of each interval, when I was finally drifting off to sleep...BAM! There he does it again. I do have earplugs, but if I keep them in my ears for too long, they really hurt and I'm unable to sleep with the pain. Even when I open the door and tell him to shoo, he returns shortly thereafter to express his doggy depression. So I'm stuck with this whiny fucking dog for another five days. Wow. I'm surprised. Why's that? I mean, you don't want to write about your mind attacks? Your suicidal depressive thoughts? Your general malaise? Instead, you'd rather write about an annoying dog? Heeeeeeellllll yeah! I'm sleep-deprived due to this attention-whoring motherfucker. Bring it on. Okay. So you think the dog shouldn't wake you up in the middle of the night. Is this true? Yes. Yes it is. Everyone has the right to a good night's sleep, right? Especially if I'm a guest at this place? But noooo, this dog has to torment me at one of the worst periods of my life, sleep deprive me and make my thoughts run madder. UGH!!!! Is this absolutely true? I suppose not. Because, you know. Maya. Brahman. Et cetera. How do you react when you believe that thought? It's so limbic. Last night, when I was in the throes, upon the dogs first scratch-and-whine, my gut clenched in its usual spot below the navel. I had to scream in a pillow to get the anger out. I tried Sedona-methoding the fuck out of it - 50% success. Then, when I tried to fall back asleep, I was almost expecting him to do it again, which made my mind unwilling to give in to sleep. Surprise! He did it again. And again. And again. Who would you be without that thought? I'd be like my man Jésus - surrendered to it. I wouldn't mind losing the sleep. Only five more days here. In fact, I'd probably take advantage of my being awake and do some reading. Have you ever woke him up? Yes. He sleeps a lot during the day, and I don't watch my volume when I'm around him. Do you give him attention? Maybe he's waking you up because you're not giving him enough attention. Yeah.........No, not really. Most of the time when I'm here, my attention is directed away from him, either staring at the screen, a book page, or playing guitar. Sometimes I overwhelm him with TLC. But most of the time I get so immersed in what I'm doing (like right now) that the world around me (including body awareness) disappears. This is why I would suck as a dog owner. #catsrule Agh, I'm such a hypocrite... I feel compassion for this dog. He doesn't get much exercise. He doesn't have any companions other than a few cats. His owners don't give him much attention either. So... desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess. ¡Pobrecito! Are you now willing to have this dog ruin your sleep? Sure. I prefer the opposite. But if he does it again, so be it. #fivemoredays

@Mighty Mouse Both

...Explain?

the universe conspires to help you. Matt Kahn says everything is here to help you. I'll go further to say that the universe conspires to help you. When I arrived at the retreat, I felt defeatist and suicidal. At first, socializing was terrible. My body was performing anxious gymnastics, starting with the lower abdomen and moving up to the shoulders. I genuinely felt like I wanted to pull the plug. Then, I met some amazing people. We delved into deep conversations, just how I like. One man made me laugh because his life story was so absurd. One woman was forty years older than I was, with a similar personality and life circumstances, and yet she was just starting her spiritual path. Very inspiring to me. Then there was the godsend woman. Middle-aged, reserved, with that nurturing, motherly energy. On the final night, we had a two-hour-long conversation about psychology, trauma, family, and healing. We connected so deeply that (in typical INFJ fashion) I opened up to her about my qualms, and she opened up to me about hers. That's when she expounded on EFT and decided to take me through a guided session. I'm already familiar with EFT, but the way she guided me through it was profound. By the end of it, when I thought about said trauma, I didn't feel any tension. To this day, I still don't. At the end of our conversation, she said her intuition told her that she had to talk to me. As I move into Stage Green, I find quality social interaction to be as nourishing as quality food. Not long-distance communication, but real, face-to-face connection. Socializing is more than pure chimpery. When two bodies meet, the energy bodies intermingle. If the conversation is titillating and authentic, you leave it feeling more alive than when you entered it. Heck, simply being in the company of another is nourishing. Socializing also gets you out of your head and into experience. For daydreaming introverts like me, this is key. When I'm away from people for too long, I get uber-serious about everything and thought-loops take me on an unpredictable rollercoaster ride. The point is, whenever I find myself spiraling downwards, the universe always seems to have some countermeasure up its sleeve.

mind wars episode 5: the ego strikes back, or, "JJ, I am your self-deception father." How do I describe this retreat? Hmmm... I'll throw out a few keywords: amazing, relaxing, exactly what I needed, Godsend, mind attacks, crying, woohoo no internet, more mind attacks, I love oatmeal, yoga farts, depression, nourishing conversations, gut-clenching social anxiety, shame, mind attacks, and music. Oh, and did I mention mind attacks? Ever since a few days ago, my depression returned with a vengeance - if you couldn't already tell with the previous soap opera posts. One thing in particular triggered it, but I'll elaborate in another entry once I receive the test results. The floodgates opened. Suicidal thoughts and ideations ran amok. They felt like crusty, expired thoughts, thoughts that have been repressed for a long time. I feel like damaged goods. The body is in constant tension and pain. My back hurts only after standing for five minutes (meditation can be brutal). The anxiety, especially in social situations, is crippling. I've been doing all the typical practices - daily yoga x 3 mths, daily meditation x 1.5 yrs, clean eating x 1 yr, daily exercise, contemplation, journaling, etc - but I still feel stuck in many ways. I feel like I can't support myself financially. I have difficulty relaxing my body. I put absurdly high perfectionistic expectations on myself. I have a hard time keeping in touch, i.e. being a friend. I have a hard time fitting in. I've felt misunderstood by my family and by most other people my entire life. Also, the nihilistic thoughts: "Society's going to shit; who cares about humanity; they're all chewing cud; in the grand scheme of things, what's the difference between dying sixty years from now and dying tomorrow? None! So why not save yourself sixty years of struggle and pain? You're only destroying illusions; it's too much of a burden to try to dig yourself out of this hole; society is not designed for people like you." And on and on and on. I'm going to try The Work on these beliefs sometime later. Logically, I know these thoughts and beliefs are all bullshit, but in the moment, they certainly don't feel that way. Fortunately, I have mindfulness and professional therapists on my side, but this is still very hard for me. Which is why I say this retreat was exactly what I needed. Going a few days without Internet, especially Youtube, was AMAZING. I discovered that I use learning new things on the Internet as a distraction from doing much needed inner work. Also, I now see on a deeper level the importance of social interaction. It's not all mindless chimpery. There's more to it than that. Maybe I'll elaborate in another post, since this one's getting long. Overall, emotionally laborious weekend. Physically laborious too, because I held in my farts during the yoga sessions. It was the chili.

anxiety = Jar-Jar Binks. Man, this journal reads like a flippin' soap opera. Just flailin' around... Speaking of flailing, I'm going to a retreat tomorrow. No phone, no laptop, nada. I wanted to purge out a few entries today to make up for this weekend I really need this. Mind has been turbulent lately. Lately? Ehhh, more like mostly. Also, my body has a hard time relaxing. As I've described before, there's this constant anxiety humdrumming in my abdomen area. Kind of like Jar-Jar Binks from Star Wars Episode 1 - Somewhat bearable, but annoying enough that I want to punch it in the face. It's especially prominent when I'm around other people - which is just peachy, because I crave more human connection. As for the website...again, I prefer writing here. I'm just a random dude trying to scratch his own itch. And it's one of those itches that's hard to reach, ya know? Like, on the center of your back, but too far for your shoulder to bend --- Okay, okay, enough writing for today. Have a good weekend, y'all.