Mondsee

Day 17 Days in a row: 2 Start time: 9:10 a.m. Finish time: 9:30 a.m. Location: Room at my father's appartment Technique: Do nothing Eyes: closed Highlights: I sat again in siddhasana & hands in gyana mudra, I started the meditation with the affirmation "I am as strong as a rock". I had random thoughts about many things that I have to do both in the short and in the long term. I discovered that my body was quite tense about half way through, and it started relaxing after I noticed. My left leg got numb, but I didn't feel that until the time was over.

Day 16 Days in a row: 1 Start time: 10:00 a.m. Finish time: 10:25 a.m. Location: Room at my father's appartment Technique: Do nothing Eyes: closed Highlights: Today I sat in siddhasana & hands in gyana mudra, as explained by the video @Leo Gura shared recently. I followed every step, including starting the meditation with the affirmation "I am as strong as a rock". I did not feel any discomfort whatsoever until the very last minutes in my left foot, which was starting to feel the pressure of my other leg on top a little too much, but it was absolutely bearable.Once again, just as when trying for the first time dharmadhatu-mudra, I was surprised how little effort is needed to keep the hands on gyana mudra. I thought I'd have to use force, but at some point I even stopped feeling my hands as if they had found again their default position. After the affirmations, I suddenly realized I cannot let my mind free and go wherever it wants to go, because that is something I don't decide, and what actually happens all the time anyways. After some random thoughts I asked myself what is a thought? Then I wondered where thoughts are physically, like in which location, and I thought that that space where thoughts are is exactly what I need to identify. While I was thinking that I felt some light as if the sun had come out (maybe it did) and I could sense it through my closed eye lids, and also an inner sound that I should define as a vibration. I heard at some point the sound of a drop, and I asked in my mind "what is that?" then, I kept repeating the question until it became just a sound without meaning "warisdat, warisdat, warisdat". That was interesting. P.S. my commitment of writing an entry for the days I don't meditate isn't working because I never want to make it a fix deciton that I won't do it, I always want to keep the door open in case I actually do. Maybe it'll work better making an entry the next day reporting I didn't meditate the previous day, in case that happens. This week I should have more time. We'll see how it goes.

@Leo Gura Wow, wow, woooow! The fact that you even put enlightenment in doubt is amazing. It makes me trust your "school", to call it somehow, so much more! It is so rare finding people being critical about what they're trying to sell or defend or whatever. This is inspiring. Enlightenment the ultimate epistemic trap... hahaha you really do think outside the box!

People, thank you for keep showing interest in this topic, but I'll let you know my grandpa passed about two months ago. He died in peace, and I was so happy for him he finally did. I do miss him, and I was sad, but really, the peace I felt for him was bigger than any other feeling I had. This situation made me think a lot of how much the medicine has advanced, but the topic of dying with dignity hasn't received much attention. I guess maybe one day we'd be thankful if it did, only time will tell.

Day 15 Days in a row: 2 Start time: 7:30 a.m. (aprox.) Finish time: 7:45 a.m. (aprox) Location: Room at my father's appartment Technique: Do nothing Eyes: closed Highlights: I sat on a little carpet on the floor, not my yoga mat as I always do, because I left that one at school yesterday. I was wearing my pijamas and when I sat in half lotus, my right feet kept sliding off of my left thigh because of the soft fabric of my pants. I decided to take them off, and I was able to hold the posture much easier. I covered my legs with my pants in order to keep warm, and had my hands on top in dharmadhatu-mudra. At first my mind started to wander around different parts of my body. At some point it became quite clear to me that my body in that moment was two things: an image in my mind, and some feelings. It became more interesting when as I kept visiting different parts of my body, those parts became sort of painted, (in an undefined color) while the others disappeared. It was easy for me to notice how when you put attention to one thing, that thing exists (it was painted), then the part I had visited last was still "painted" but already vanishing, like a marginal existence, and the rest simply didn't exist at that moment. It was really impressive the moment when my mind arrived at my breathing, and it was cristal clear how my breath started to exist just when I put my attention to it, when I "painted" it. The pace in which I was changing from part to part was rather fast, but it all felt like a relaxed flow, not a desperate one. This dynamic lasted for a good while, but since I was doing a "do nothing" meditation, when my mind started to think on other stuff (mostly career related), I did not stop it. My thoughts after that were calm and I even would say "soft". Some images of an idea that I have in mind passed by in form of short scenes, and it was a relaxed creative mood.

Does someone here practice raising awareness in your day to day? Like for example you're cooking, driving somewhere or taking a shower and you work on raising awareness... If you do, could you share a little bit of your method and experience? I don't know if I should focus on the most salient phenomenon, or maybe in the must subtle one, I'm not sure if I should pick just one and entirely dedicate to observe that, or if I should change my focus from one sensation to another. Which are the things you like to focus on?

Day 14 (although this maybe shouldn't count as an entire meditation session) Days in a row: 1 Start time: 10:25 p.m. Finish time: 10:35 p.m. Location: Living room at my father's appartment Technique: Understanding awareness Eyes: closed Highlights: I decided to repeat the exercise Leo guides us through at the end of this video in an effort to refresh my memory on how to raise awareness. I have been struggling lately on finding time to meditate, and I thought I could practice some awareness while in the bus on the way to school. Maybe because it's late and I'm tired, in one occasion, between the focus on one thing and the other, I got distracted and started dreaming, as in dreaming when you're asleep, the rest was really interesting and I could focus very good on the sensations that Leo pointed to.

I'm trapped in that paradox. Is it already given who will be able to fully recognize that there is no free will? That question can actually be generalized to everything: Is there some sort of written destiny for everyone including who will be able to really recognize it and who won't?

@Wouter practice some basic yoga routines regularly. You will be amazed by the speed in which your body becomes more flexible. What seems to be impossible today, won't be any more in a few weeks if you commit to it. Good luck!

If your focus is on your health and your state of mind, it doesn't matter how deliberate you think your decision of focusing on that is, it isn't your decision. If your intention, isn't to control, guess what? It isn't your intention. Ok, you seem to be contradicting yourself; do you allow thoughts to pass right on through, or do you not think at all? In any case, if you allow thoughts to pass right on through, you couldn't do otherwise, and if you managed to do otherwise, again, it wouldn't be you doing it. Now, if you don't think anything, that means you know complete stillness, nothingness, emptiness, and you are enlightened, in which case you wouldn't be claiming to have free will, because, who would have it anyways? What? Sorry, again I don't understand what you're trying to say with this. Are you saying either I follow the logic of science or I make use of free will? Why would you even distinguish between those two paths? Just contemplate for a while on the fact that if there is no you, then there is no one to control anything, and leave science aside. I'll watch that video tomorrow, I like that channel... but now, it's time for me to go to bed.

Currently because my schedule is quite full and I don't find time to meditate, and when I could I'm absolutely exhausted and I prefer to sleep or do some low quality activity that doesn't require much focus, like scrolling down my twitter feed.

@Nahm Sit down to meditate and use your free will to control your thoughts, after that consider if you still believe to have free will.

Ok, this seems to make more sense, but then it is kind of sad, isn't it? Maybe your character is lucky, but maybe it simply is not...

@Nahm Thats a weak argument imo.

Oh you think I do? Because every time I meditate I prove to myself I do not. So you do think that our destiny is given, and maybe I will discover Truth, but maybe I won't and there's simply absolutely nothing I can do?

Yeah, that's what I said.

@Nahm I'm sorry I don't understand your answer.

Day 13 Days in a row: 2 Start time: 7:00 p.m. Finish time: 7:22 p.m. Location: Room at my father's appartment Technique: Do nothing Eyes: open at first, half-closed at the end Highlights: After a 40 min. session of yoga nidra, I sat in half lotus, hands in dharmadhatu-mudra, and felt extremely well alienated. As I set my timer on my cell phone, as I always do, I forgot to turn on the non disturbing mode. A couple of minutes into the meditation, my father started calling to my phone. In total he called 7 times, 5 at first, and 2 more near the end. The vibration of my phone next to me was distracting, but I did not answer and this time I could notice the strain of thoughts and feelings as something uncontrollable and external hitting into me. That was really interesting.

Day 12 Days in a row: 1 Start time: 6:45 p.m. (aprox.) Finish time: 7:10 p.m. (aprox.) Location: Room at my father's appartment Technique: Do nothing Eyes: closed Highlights: I sat in half lotus and hands in dharmadhatu-mudra. At first I couldn't fully relax my body, partly because I was sensing that my father would call me for something at any moment. After about 4 minutes, he did. I answered and after that I felt almost relieved. I started again doing some breathings and relaxing my body, then I let my mind free. First I could almost see how it was telling itself what to do "just observe" and similar things, but then after the idea of just letting go really sinked in, my first thoughts were about sex. After a short time my mind started wandering about many other things including about people I've met recently and how I don't find anyone attractive.

I have decided to make also an entry if I skip my meditation, so that I have a record and I am aware that I'm doing it, otherwise suddenly it's been more than a week, and I don't even notice. If someone is reading this, please give me a hard time about my lack of commitment. I'm not getting anywhere with this on and off.

Day 12 Days in a row: 1 Start time: 8:00 a.m. (aprox.) Finish time: 8:30 a.m. (aprox.) Location: Bus on the way to the university Technique: Mindfulness meditation Eyes: closed Highlights: After days of finding amazing excuses for skipping meditation, I decided to try to meditate on the bus that I take to the university. I did sit cross-legged, I closed my eyes, and in order to push myself to focus, I tried to do a mindfulness meditation. First I focused on my breath, then on the bus movements and finally on a very repetitive song. It was very hard not to daydream, as I am used to sleep in the bus and having the eyes closed, it was easy to be on the edge between falling asleep and not. It didn't feel like a serious meditation session and I was interrupted once, as one guy came and sat next to me.

Every time in my life that someone I don't like has shown interest in me, I've had a really bad time figuring out how I'm going to let them know I don't like them. Sometimes I've struggled so much, that I didn't say anything and I let things get to a level that I didn't want to... really not cool. Now on Friday I went to a party, met a bunch of new people, didn't spend the night with anyone in particular, and yet, the guy I was hanging out with before I left asked me for my number. I gave it to him (because I don't know how to reject people), and today he texted me. He is a really nice guy, but I know I'm not attracted to him at all, and that is not the case for him, so before this grows bigger, I'd like to kill it. How am I supposed to do that?!?! Not answering would be rather coward and lame, imo... but if I start a conversation, I'm opening a door... and if I just say "hey, I'm not interested in you", that'd be super weird!! What do I do now? Now that I think about it, this has really been an issue for me for my entire life. Some good strategies would help me a lot!

(Note: I haven't watched Leo's 2c-b video, nor have I ever tried any type of psychdelics, but I got really interested in what Leo is suggesting here.) Ok, so my main question is, if while we're alive (what we normally understand for being alive, that is) we don't manage to get enlightened, then when we die, we (our mortal sense of "we") will simply dissapear forever, and if we do manage to get enlightened our bodies will phisically die, but consciousness will be conscious that it is still there, that actually nothing changed. It's like, if I die today (definitely unenlightened), then... my ego completely shuts off and it doesn't have the opportunity any longer for noticing that it was a total lie. It died believeng it existed! So in my case consciousness won't be conscious that it is still there... right? Or is enlightenment just a cool thing to notice whle you're alive, but after we die, ist's the same if you were enlightened or not, because everyone becomes nothingness anyways? This is what really got me thinking. Do you mean by this, if you must kill yourself, then choose the method of becoming enlightened so that you can appreciate (while you're still alive) the fully glory after-death?? "get enlightened before you die", as some wise master once said???? Finally, in this example that old man starting to have an orgasm on his deathbed at least in his last moments he started appreciating that something cool as an orgasm existed, but... what are the odds of that happening? Like if you don't start working hard on achieving enlightenment soon enough, it's very unlikely to happen magically on your deathbed just like that, don't you think? That old man is much more likely to die not knowing of orgasms, or in other words, he is much more likely to die thinking he is actually dying forever. Bam! gone, and he really is gone, because all there was, was an unconscious ego who is dissapearing. I think about this because my grandfather recently died (91 y/o just in case you were interested) and as he was lying on his death bed, I would sit next to him and think... how the fuck do I let him understand that he is not going to die! he isn't going anywhere because he doesn't exist!!! And as weak as he was, just lying there, suffering, I also thought how sad it was that it was impossible to get him enlightened at that point. Some day I really thought of telling him, but then I just thought silence would make more sense for him at that point. Ok that was a very long and confusing post, I hope you can make some sense out of it.

So, last week I saw the movie and I loved it, but it got me thinking... She doesn't really follow "The Hero's Journey", does she? Like she seems to be super excited to go and fight, and you sense no feeling of reluctancy and doubt... What do you think?

To those who gave me suggestions, here are my thoughts: To those who are curious, find the update on what I did below. @Shin It just seems very weird to me that if I've spent the night with new people chatting and so, and you exchange numbers just to make some friends, I will deny my number to one guy just because I feel he was hitting on me. It's like to everyone I'm saying "yeah, sure, here have my number" and when it comes to that one guy "... oh, I'm sorry, but not for you"... that's so weird. Also, this time it was too late anyways because he already has my number. @Toby Yeah, actually what I have done in some cases. It works but it has also felt weird and kind of coward to me. Also, when I do that I hope I'll never meet them again because if I do, they'll ask why I disappeared. In this case for example, his best friend takes several classes together with me, and it is likely that we'll meet again. @Fushigi At this point I feel like I'm only finding excuses (probably because it is exactly what I'm doing), but I did that once. The guy never got the point, and always asked if I was finally going to have time for him. When he got tired of that, he made sure to work together with me on a project. At some point I felt really guilty for being lying about my busy schedule to him, so I finally accepted one of his invitations, he got really excited, and long story short, I did have to end up telling him "hey, I'm just not into you" and he got devastated and I felt guilty for breaking his heart. So it may work, but sometimes they don't get the point, or at least they don't want to get it. @Lynnel Yeah, maybe it's egoism... maybe. What I feel tough is that I often like the people that I meet, I don't want to date them, but I genuinely like them, and can imagine a friendship with them, so I can't behave cold to them or reject them as easily, because I don't dislike them. @barry It doesn't seem difficult for me to reject people I don't like at all, but when I like them, not in a romantic falling-in-love sense, but just liking them as persons, it gets much harder. Also, for the record, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't use Facebook, this year I have gone to the cinema once (last week), I don't watch series, I usually don't eat junk food... so I think I have the addictions rather handled in my life. @Markus Yeah, you're right, the longer you wait, the worst it gets. I just felt unnecessary telling him the "I don't know how to reject people" part... why would he care? @Emerald Definitely food for thought, thank you! @electroBeam haha The Art Of War? By Sun Tzu? how funny! I just got it as a present last month, I'll read it until this lens. Soooooooo here's what I did: He asked me when I had time to go for a coffee with him, I answered on Friday I had time, but that I didn't actually have in mind dating him, so if it was an invitation to do something together with friends (we do have common friends), I would be happy to go, but if not, not really. He laughed, and said he was "of course" thinking about doing something with friends. I said then we could plan something, and then he never answered again. I did feel bad, mostly because he first said like "nooo how crazy of you thinking that I wanted to date you" but then he never texted me back... I found out what I really don't like is putting other people under a situation they can feel embarrassed, maybe because I hated feeling that way as a kid. For sure a valuable piece of information to know about myself. Thank you for your support!