JustASimpleBuggler

@Whywolf Thanks for yet another in depth response. When I feel like my brain is working properly, I'll read through all the stuff you have written again, and see what stuff I feel will help me. I've started to see this "mentor" and they work with people with aspergers as well, so I'll ask more about it next time and see what kind of assistance I need, because I'm not exactly sure.

@Principium NexusThanks for the response. How do I go about accepting it? do I just tell myself "Its ok" and thats it? (Prolly a dumb question I know)

I feel like I understand why I have it, because of reasons when I was a kid but, I feel like it is just kind of getting in the way. My eyes kind of just kind of fixate on that certain body part sometimes and I have to stop myself. I feel like a freaking weirdo, especially when I'm talking with someone or hanging out with them. I also masturbate over it, so I don't think that helps. But I think I'd rather not have it honestly. Any advice?

Thanks for another in depth response I'll try my best to make use of all this when I feel like I'm ready. (I know thats not amazing feedback from me, sorry) Just one point though, "When we have a negative belief about ourselves, our brains will look for reasons as to why that negative belief is true. Even when it is not true" well, what if my negative belief come from my experiences, me being bad at stuff is true because I've noticed that I am bad at stuff, and so I have the belief I am bad at stuff, which is true because its based on reality, I don't like to make things up, I like the truth even if its not nice, and being honest with myself. So I guess its a negative belief based on fact \_(ツ)_/¯

When I feel like I'm ready I'll watch all these videos seriously, a lot of stuff to get into my brain here, and I don't have a lot of mental energy as it is. Thanks

You may have read the title and thought "well who wouldn't" want help, guess who . Well anyways, I feel conflicted, on one hand I'm thinking that I don't want to get better and I'm fine with it and I've just accepted my fate and that I'm just gonna die at some point (probably not too far off considering my odd taste problem with food that I've had all my life and my shit diet because of that) and all my frustration,despair, and myself will just vanish like when I go to sleep, and none of it matters anyways so fuck it I never asked to exist. I look into my self too see what I feel and its just emptiness, tiredness,frustration and ALOT of despair Sometimes I ask myself why anything even exists and how crazy it is and just "why? and I have that feeling of nothing can help me. I know a lot of people probably thought that too right? But I think it might really be the case for me I'm not those people......but they probably thought that too.... I've never had any real dreams or goals in my life or been really interested in anything, I've never really "wanted" anything or been really passionate about anything, I was diagnosed with depression as well as Asperger's when I was 17 (i'm 20 now) but I feel l've felt like shit for most of my life I feel. I just feel like I don't give a fuck about anything really (Not by choice, its just how I feel) , plus I'm pretty fucking terrible at stuff always have been , like I can barely do basic math or barely be able to tell the time on a non digital clock, stuff people can do easily basically or know what the fuck to do when given a task even when I was just instructed a second ago, Its hard because I'M ACTUALLY TRYING to do something and its worse when someone criticises me for not being able to do something even averagely, I already know I'm bad, so the criticism just makes me feel like shit for being me. Think I just went on tangent a bit there sorry. Thats not my whole life story obviously, just a little bit. OOH ITS SO TRAGIC On the other hand, what have I got too lose? fuck it, even though I feel nothing can help me, I also feel like I could be wrong. In a nutshell, part of me wants to stay as I am, and the other still has some kind of hope, foolish hope maybe. My dad took me to a doctor for a "referral" so I can see a psychiatrist (not the first time) or something like that, my parents want me to get better but I feel like "I" need to want to get better, but I haven't really said anything about them trying to get me help or whatever, like I said I'm conflicted. The doctor asked me if I wanted to get better, and that if I didn't want too there wasn't much of a point, he was right. He said its worth a try and I didn't really know what to say honestly but I ended up saying yes, because fuck it I guess? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Kind of feel like I may have made a mistake by saying yes. Well, I was just wondering if anyone has anything they can say about this.... or if anyone understood what the hell I just wrote even, (P.S I don't mean to be rude also, but if anyone wants to offer any input, can you keep it as simple as you can, otherwise I'm not going to understand what you wrote, and that doesn't really do me any good....like if you say stuff like "Compassion is the perspective of your true universal self" I'll just be like....WAT )

@Nahm Hmmmm So when it comes too "being scared" don't focus on the fear don't not focus on the fear, but just simply be ? You just be with your fear until it goes away?

@Whywolf This has kind of got me thinking, if this feeling I get isn't intuition but "fear". Like afraid of what will happen if I don't follow something, if that makes any sense. Like doing it out of some kind of fear. Thanks for your responses though, you didn't have to bother but you did anyway so thank you for that.

@Nahm So you're saying not to focus on your fear and just focus on the thing you want? Put simply?

@Whywolf Alright, this is pretty in depth. If I find myself in a better place mentally in my life I think it will come in handy, thank you. When i feel I can handle all this. Also, my dad made me repeat something because I wasn't getting what he showed me the first few times, he was frustrated by how I wasn't getting it quickly enough i guess and I was a really slow learner so he got me to repeat it until I finally got it, and I did eventually. The frustration came from him being a faster learner then me and me being slow. I'm probably like that gif to be honest when it comes to my brain power.

@Whywolf OK, well I'm probably around that ground zero area still when it comes to all this stuff, obviously I have that "intuition" feeling about it, but that's really it at this point. I don't even know where to really begin, I'm not sure if there is an exact "starting point" for beginners. I'm thinking I mostly learn by just mundane mind numbing repetition, like I still remember some basic Nunchuck things my dad showed me many years ago when I was a young kid (well, he was just getting me to do something active), and I haven't even practised since that time really, but I still remember the stuff he taught me, because he made me do it again....and again.......and again.........and again.....and again......and again....until I finally got it. It took me a while to get some stuff, that he even said "Don't take the piss" and "You're pissing me off" because he thought I was messing around but I was actually trying! That was fun . So I guess for me maybe its being shown something "visually" and maybe "auditory" like a million times until I get it. (Thanks for the response)

@Nahm You said "i'm afraid" is on the wrong path and "I want" is on the right path,but what If "I want" to do something but I'm also "afraid" about how it might turn out? (Sorry If I misunderstood you, thanks for another response)

@Shin It's only a small worry honestly, its overpowered by that strong feeling of "I should do this thing". (Thanks for response again)

@Wormon Blatburm While I don't really understand all that "true self" and "deepest love and understanding" or "highest good" (Not saying they're not true) and all that big stuff. But wow it seems like this really powerful thing from what I'm reading here, it feels so crazy but I have actually felt it before and said to myself "I don't really understand why, or even understand the thing at all, but feel like there is something to it". Thank you for the response, you get to be the uh...."GrandLordKingMaster" now.

@cirkussmile Ok, for me its more of a "feeling" then a voice (might be a voice to maybe), and I don't really have a problem with following that feeling, it just feels like I should for some reason . But I kind of worry that I could be misunderstanding the feeling, and its not "intuition" but something else and I was wrong the whole time and I end up somewhere bad because of it. But the feeling I have does really feel like intuition, and honestly I feel like I don't care about the risk and that I just want too follow the feeling, it just feels "powerful" and part of me thinks I'm probably mad or foolish honestly, but like, I don't care if I think I might be mad I'm gonna do it anyway, Its weird. Thanks for the response