tashawoodfall

@Speedscarlet wish you well...I'd appreciate it if you'd troll somewhere else. I don't see a block button so...

Layed in bed for two whole days. Couldn't eat. See I've woke up in the hospital. The bartender told my ex-boyfriend who was calling me at the time (which never happens and was coincidentally the first time since we've been separated -about a month) I was at the bar (and I guess someone picked up my phone to tell him to come to get me) the bartender told him he thinks my drink was spiked. The nurses at the hospital didn't tell me that and I was too eager to get home and recover so I didn't think to ask. See I was celebrating the fact that I quit my job working for politicians. Signing the NDA's and having that gross feeling -going against one of my top values as a human -honesty. I just couldn't do it anymore. Like I've said -I've layed in bed for two entire days recovering, guilt-tripping myself, dealing with all the negative emotions, the crippling stress, pissed off my ex had the audacity to tell me he's much happier without me when I'm the one who dumped his sorry cheating and lying ass. At least the heartbreak is turning to anger as it's a more useful emotion. The stress has been getting to me. I now consider myself self-employed. I work for companies and at the time politicians for marketing work. My job is basically to put on an image and can sometimes feel like manipulating people but I try not to see it that way. Yes, key word is try. I work way too much. On facebook there's this thing where it shows you a post you wrote a year ago. I wrote a year ago that working for money has an empty feeling. At that time I told myself I'd be done doing it - yet here the fuck I still am. You know it's not easy to transition to working for your passion. It takes time and at least I've started the process. I've found my life purpose -it involves creating a beauty program for Foster Teenage girls but I've been coming against a lot of resistance and distraction and I do understand it is my responsibility. My daughter stresses me out. I'm a single mother and have her for 3.5 days a week. Every time she has a cold I'm on high alert ready to take her to the hospital if need be. The trauma I've had holding her while she's unconscious while I'm rocking back and forth on a 911 call asking them to fucking hurry still haunts me. I don't think I'd be able to live through the pain of losing her. The health issues she has and the responsibility I have financially stresses me out -adds to the many other things. The good news is my car will finally be ready to pick up on Tuesday. It's been hell without it. My old job still owes me 2grand and is 2 months late with paying it which is annoying af because I worked extra hard when I didn't need to and those bitches laid me off without notice. It's been stressful as I have a lot of bills and had to really fight to get jobs when I should never be that stressed. My resume is too good but my attitude was not. I read today that the purpose of life is happiness and it struck me. See what am I doing? There's a new guy chasing me pretty hard. On the surface he seems a little too good: good looking, very successful, 37 years old (which means he's more likely to be serious), calls me every day and says the right things -the only thing is he needs to back off a bit I haven't been single long enough but then again it's nice to know what I attract. I haven't had sex in over a month (last time was with my ex) and strangely I have no desire yet. I'm at a point where I just want to be god damn happy. I want my job to excite me -I want passion when I wake up. I want to feel sexy af looking in the mirror-healthy and get my damn hot body back. I've put on about 10 lbs and feel like shit about it. The good news is I have a meeting with a personal trainer guy on Tuesday, it's to do social media and marketing work and it comes with free personal training so we'll see what happens there. This past 5 months has been very very tough in several ways. I'm hoping winter is over now. I've had enough.

@astrokeen

@astrokeen It comes from a Movie "The Matrix"...

A new friend of mine is a musician and after witnessing one of my minor red pill episodes ... he wrote to me that it inspired him to compose a song...of course, I had to listen and it's brought me to tears. He expresses it so well

Now is do or die time.

@tsuki Interesting way to see it. I feel like the problem that created a lot of the suffering I went through was that I was interpreting the meaninglessness as a bad thing... What's helping to get me 'moving' again is curiosity... and embracing the fact that I do not know

A rare photo of me after coming out of a few months in a dark night of the soul period.

@Mikael89 This isn't just "how women are" type of thing. maybe the issue is within yourself. Probably should work on ridding of the victim mentality, your self-esteem and attracting women...

@Mikael89 you're missing the whole point. For some people like myself, we need a deeper connection on an intellectual and spiritual level. That was what was missing when looking in hindsight so I would have never been satisfied placing him in that role.

Just as this existence was created from nothing in a moment..it can completely disappear in any given moment. Look around you…if all this is possible then so is the ability for all this to just disappear... and one day it will so let's fast forward to the moment this world star bursts lol do you really think all the shit you are doing for yourself, others, this world, your “purpose” matters at all? Would you give it more weight than a microscopic piece of dust? I’m thinking the only point for any of this is a fun experience. The higher quality feelings you get, the better. So what’s the plan? haha Not sure why this is so funny. I laugh like I’ve lost it lol

@SOUL I mean when you no longer believe in the old ways you used to and the motivations to do those old things like prove yourself, maintain status, attention, show off, sex, socializing, materialistic collections, mindless fun... when that dies, you are left with no motivation or meaning or anything that gets you excited, nothing you really look forward to and it feels like depression. So instead of staying present, I can see how people tend to focus on spiritual practices and exercises and I feel the need to do so because I want to feel more meaning and a change in perception seems to be the solution. Video from 8:00 - 9:10 I feel like he describes what this is. He then says "you take on a new belief" and I think that's where I want to focus. I feel like any sort of progress will have to start with inspiration. I'd like to better "know" and not just believe is maybe possible...the metaphysical, paranormal. Idk I'm looking for meaning and inspiration in this world. It's better than seeing zombies, a fucked up system and meaninglessness to everything... If I'm completely honest I don't think I believe in metaphysical, paranormal. I just have a sort of intellectual understanding but it hasn't become beliefs so I sort of want to now look for evidence of these things. I saw that Leo recommended on someone's post to look in Dean Radin's research on psychic abilities so I guess I'll start there and see what else interests me. https://www.sfgate.com/living/article/Parapsychology-researcher-Dean-Radin-on-ESP-2503036.php Maybe looking into other research and science will help like reading up on subatomic particles. I used to have Gaia but I couldn't take it all too seriously. I think if I can find convincing evidence that I believe took place even though I wasn't there...that may improve the way I see this world, others and meaning. I actually think you may be spot on with what is going on wow, so it really is this. Is there any resource you recommend to learn more about Stage Green beside Leo's video and the website he recommended? http://spiraldynamicsintegral.nl/en/green/

I heard about it from one of Wayne Dyer's talks it's interesting. I think there is definitely some sort of connection with nature that is soothing and perhaps energizing. I go to the mountains every Tuesday, climb the mountain and sit at the top for a while. It's helped and feels like a need. Walking outside barefoot every now and then could be a good idea

@Speedscarlet Why is a picture of a 26 year old woman wearing a fairly conservative dress ..triggering you?

Slept for 10 hours last night. Woke up around 4 AM. Made coffee (which sat and got cold) and went to lay down in bed again...I ended up putting on that Matt Kahn video, closing my eyes and just listening to his words and meanings...I had moments of crying. Last night I had moments of laughter. so it struck me as weird. Once the video was over, I fell straight asleep and woke up about half an hour ago...6 hours later I just slept 16 hours again. All of this tiredness and sleeping makes me a little bit worried because this has been happening for weeks and weeks nearly every single day 10-16 hours of sleeping. Maybe I should go to the doctor? But then again I don't care all that much....Before this sort of depression hit me, I was sleeping 6-8 hours a day and was motivated to get lost in work which all came with a certain motivation for life to it. It's not hard to eat healthy anymore because I don't care....the high of good tasting food isn't appealing to me at this time which in a sense is good.

@ajasatya Right from a zoomed out perspective it's all such a selfish pursuit

@Colin The good news is I finally feel better. Had quite the panic attack lol I was most definitely thinking of things as bad. It took me talking it out with a friend to see where those underserving beliefs were and I was able to shift.

@Serotoninluv I just wrote to a friend about how I feel like everyone is zombies with programming that runs "likes, food, oh no, yay it's shiny" ...I came across an article that recommended letting go here...accepting and not judging what stage someone is at because it's on their time and well neither is better or worse than the other.... That helped relieve the symptoms. It felt sort of like a panic attack where I spawned into this matrix and saw a bunch of perceived wrongs..thought about how the system we have going on is failing and dehumanizing. Now that we are forced to be slaves for money and exposed to bad programming from school, society, media etc. It just sort of gave me a panic attack amongst other undeniable truths about myself, my life and the world as a whole. Good news is that after a long night and stumbling around a little bit this morning...I finally feel much better

@Feel Good I'm not so sure...I've read about this Green stage and don't feel any sort of connection or path in that direction. I mean I used to listen to my horoscope every day, collect crystals and get lost in tarot cards, astrology, psychics and have no desire to go back to all that. One of my top values used to be "Positive Impact". It was my third highest value and that value shattered recently. I genuinely don't care very much about making a positive impact...it's not like it matters in the grand scope of everything and it's no longer that interesting to me...I just don't feel like I'm moving into what's described as Green stage. I don't feel that way. Maybe i'm not moving between stages and just going through a period. I'm not sure. I just feel a deep desire to let go of all these attachments and the bullshit. If I could move to Alaska, dog sit for money and not own a phone..I would. I just want to let go in a sense..of everything. This to me right now means to stop doing the job i'm doing for money and to stop upholding the social status that comes with it. It means I don't want to waste my time bullshitting with what I called zombies because it doesn't bring me value anymore. For the past couple of weeks I've been finding myself oddly just laying down and meditating for 2 hours at a time which never happens. I'm resonating now with different personal development coaches....no shade but I can no longer sit through Leo's videos because it's a bunch of information and concepts I don't feel a need or a desire for. A bunch of mental masturbation..I don't want it. I'm seeing through a lot of stimulation tools I've used... I feel the pursuits I am now starting to go for...is more selfish then it was before. I don't think I'm jumping stages just having a dark night of the soul type of situation I can't seem to stop anyway. hmm I think you're right.

We broke up the beginning of August... that was a lot of fun and learning

@Feel Good for the last hour I have been reading and watching videos about the "Dark night of the soul". It helps to know it's a "normal" stage. I also joined fb groups (related to spirituality, etc) to start to get a sense of community while I transition from my old friends that I can't relate to anymore to new ones. I isolated myself completely (which wasn't easy to do) because I am tired of the bullshit I was dealing with. Mindless people talking about stupid or superficial things, permanently in the rat race, etc I can relate. Exactly. It seems I've come to a point of ignoring this pursuit for the first time. Slowly surrendering.. I have to read this a few times. Something about this...

I'm pretty sure I am going through a dark night of the soul I have all the symptoms to a T. Even been sleeping 12 hours a day. Thank you I'll check your booster pack out

This really helps @fabriciom I'm in the middle of changing jobs..instead of working tirelessly doing sales, business development and marketing... I decided I am downgrading to do something less stressful like being a food server and of course my ego is taking a huge hit and my friends/social life... But the big picture...I had success in my life and I should be using my creative energy on my life purpose project...the stress of my current job has been holding me back. I will focus more on finding the truth inside.. Thank you. @bejapuskas Yes thank you I know I'm creating this suffering...probably from attachments and unconscious beliefs that are not serving me. I'll work on letting it go...

I've been dealing with a deep depression. I wish I could just cry it all out and be free from it. I'm not happy with my everyday life and the fight in me has stopped. I'm not sure what is going on. I'm chasing stimulation desperately ...it's something. If I stop and allow all of these feelings to take over me I get scary thoughts -thoughts of no meaning - of I'm tired and see no reasons. But I can't help but stop because I recognize I'm chasing stimulation..The life purpose I came up with..no longer does anything for me emotionally...it doesn't do enough. This "I no longer give a fuck" attitude is...painful. I can no longer be a zombie pretending...I need a deeper meaning..I need to change things and live differently. I can't keep...being a zombie in society..now that I know "too much" it's making me miserable.