Gladius

Today I tested positive for covid. Since I barely have any symptoms, I felt quite happy to have a couple weeks off work. It actually comes in handy. This will give me a break and let me set the goals for next season. As I mentioned before, by the end of July I would review feedback on job applications. Other than that, decompressing will be healthy per se. This time will be well used for sure.

That insights list is one of my favourite habits created lately, every word written on it is pure gold. It's great news you're opening up to your family. Talking as grown ups can be very healthy for everyone. Expect discomfort. Great job, looking forward to reading how it goes. All the best.

Juicy insights await if you're willing to pay attention to yourself. I need to remind myself over and over that my goal is very ambitious: Being truly happy. From the very inside, with no distractions, smoking or alcohol. Obviously, after decades mistreating myself, my mind and body aren't really used to happiness. Thus, change feels so uncomfortable you sabotage yourself. Keeping that in mind all the freaking time will be useful to avoid the trap. Today I felt funny, and after a couple hours I asked myself "why is this happening?". I turned off all screens and waited for a while. I started feeling better and better. I realised I was overthinking about some whatsapp conversations and playing a victim again. That's when I think how would behave my greatest version, or even a role model, and I take some kind of action, either tidying up or just going for a walk outside. It works. This is going to be the plot twist of my story. I'm also having weekly CBT sessions. For the time being I'm not setting any other goals, this work is enough to make progress. Cheers.

@studentofthegame I have literally same approach towards insights. Not big plans this summer, just working and a short trip here or there. How about you?

I'm not sure how bad is that. Lately I had not great sex because I set the bar too low in the past. I decided I'm not gonna force the situation unless I really like a woman, but that's not happening. How long should it be before settling for less?

This journal is about solutions, but I do need to remind myself of any therapeutic breakthroughs. A juicy insight came to me while trying to sleep. I was thinking about the past, and I realised it wasn't that terrible. Of course, there were some moments that sucked, but overall it could have been much worse. I have been using that same past as an excuse. Being a victim is easy, you just have to point others and complain. Meanwhile, time goes by. I know I've been mentioning this before, but I feel I'm slowly getting out of a rut, which is the purpose here. it feels like growing up, taking responsibility, and appreciating life with its ups and downs.

As usual, when stress strikes, my worst self shows up. However, I'm getting better and better at catching that mf. Every time I feel something's off, I take a step backwards and just observe. A breakthrough might be close and that accelerates fears. I already started online CBT therapy, because I could use some additional support at the moment. Keeping it simple by now, just getting through the week.

The most valuable thing I'm doing this week is adjusting my attitude when I'm feeling down. There's a lot of work and sometimes I wish I was somewhere else, but I'm able to react faster. However, I'm still mindful I need to take action to improve my current situation. Lately I had little feedback from my job applications, so I rewrote my resume and try again. If by the end of this month there is no more feedback, I'll evaluate the possibility of studying something else or learning new skills.

July is here. The goal for this month will be just breathing. As simple as that. It will be a tough month with a lot of work so I just want to remember to breath well.

@studentofthegame thank you, that's really encouraging! I try to be not naive or simple-minded. It's possible to be sad but happy to learn. I feel I wasted enough time in my life as a victim and I'm literally tired of that. By the way, taking note of Warmerdam's podcast, it looks like a tool I can use. Cheers!

After spending a week with the girl I have been dating, the relationship is over. I used to take rejections personally and suffer a lot. However, this time I'm bouncing back quite fast. I had the feeling I am not really ready for a serious relationship yet. I am dragging some depression symptoms and I don't have the feeling of being fully myself yet. I'm positive and confident towards the future because this relationship meant so much progress. For the first time in my life, I managed to be with someone I really like, and it lasted some good months. I learned a lot and I'm also thankful for it. This sets an upgraded new standard for my next relationships and elevates my vibration. However, I'm writing this from the airport, so in the next fews days more insights or emotions might come up. I know I will be fine, whether I meet someone else or I'm by myself. I just need to stop making excuses and create my own path in life. And this summer the world is opening up more and more...

@studentofthegame I did read a lot of books but I'm not sure how to call that kind of "therapy". I visited a therapist on 2019 for a few months. That was CBT based therapy which I think it really worked. I agree 100 % with you regarding the idea of taking responsibility and also seeking help when needed. Looking forward to reading further updates.

@studentofthegame CBT can be life-changing indeed. I'm curious, what other therapeutic approaches do you think might fit you better if I may ask?

@studentofthegame That's exactly my point of view. Actually, right before an important date or breakthrough I usually have some kind of crisis. I'm confident these experiences are part of the healing process. Thanks as always for your input!

After a long streak of removing distractions, eating healthy, and applying lifestyle changes, inevitably some bottled up emotions came up. I recently experienced a big outburst of rage, apparently out of the blue. I started to punch a pillow to release it, for some good 20 minutes. It might sound crazy, but I actually felt so relieved afterwards. Getting in touch with emotions is key, especially since I'm prone on holding grudges. I'm actually halfway my holidays period. So far, I managed to disconnect from work, advance some side projects, and charge batteries. Second half sounds more promising.

As always, the key is balance.

This happens sometimes when I'm meditating. After 10 or 15 minutes, if I manage to let go of thoughts, I enter a deep state of relaxation and I get glimpses of the dream I had the night before. It's like a flashback of the things I dreamt of the very last night. I assume this means I'm meditating right. Can anyone relate to this? I'm wondering if that's the way to go, or it's just my imagination...

The key is self-assertiveness. I'm talking to myself like I would be talking to my best friend. In the end, that's all we are and all we have. Have a nice weekend!

Holidays have started. Normally, right before vacation, I used to be tired, anxious or depressed. This time, I'm in pretty good mood since day 1, and I'm really happy about it. This is good proof I'm becoming mentally strong. During these 3 weeks, the goal is simple: Steady as she goes. In the back of my mind, I cannot forget the long-term goal for this year: Shifting careers. However, I'm making progress with my side hustle. I guess I learned to accept the current situation while moving towards the person I want to be, without losing balance. Therefore, steady as she goes.

In May I learned I must protect my mental health at all costs. I made myself a priority. I've been living most of my life thinking that meeting other people would be healing. I felt so damaged I thought anyone else would be better. At this point, though, it's almost the other way around. Being mindful about who I give attention and energy is essential. I'm only allowing good vibes. If I don't feel like meeting someone, that's perfectly fine. It sounds obvious to remind myself these things at my age, but that's how it is. I'd take the red pill every goddamn time. Actually, something I learned from the 'Highly sensitive people' book, is how sensitive man are less accepted by our culture, and even by the family. They are usually the scapegoat in a somehow dysfunctional family. A mother can subtly reject her own son because he doesn't match her idea of man. Besides, this 'hunger for closeness' can lead the sensitive boy to fall into toxic situations. This information is useful for understanding and knowing the self, not for victimising or blaming. I'm already earning some money with this sensitivity, and hope to profit more from it. For June, my only goal is going to be NoFap. It will be a crucial month for my relationship, so I'm gonna give it all the importance I want it to have. Cheers.

I've been pushing myself a lot this month. Combining my 'safe job' with my side hustle is demanding but it feels like the right thing to do. Just trying to take care of myself, hanging out exclusively with positive people, and eating healthy. I had to sacrifice much time usually dedicated to exercise. However, I realized I have been most of my life forcing myself to exercise way too much than needed, for whatever reason. If I keep it a couple days a week is good enough for the time being. Regarding health, I still somatize stress and pressure through my skin, so trying to be mindful about it. My worst enemy at the moment is stress. It upsets me, affects my relationships, health and energy. I'll keep tracking that, observing my breathing and my thoughts when things get hard. Next week I'll review May and prepare June. Cheers.

@studentofthegame thanks, buddy! I didn't know that book, I'll check it out for sure. Seems you're doing good too. Cheers!

Sounds like things are working out. There will always be room for improvement, of course. Looking forward to hearing your feedback on CBT. Identifying negative thoughts is key, indeed. Happy to see you updating good news, my friend. Keep it up.

Survived busy week, now I only have to work a few days until May. However, this last working day I was quite irritable. I need to be mindful of that. I know it's not healthy, but quitting a job without anything else secured is not a thing anymore. In a couple weeks I'm visiting my girlfriend where she is living now, and the goal is to arrive there in good shape, health and mood. Actually, this is helping me to lead a better lifestyle for myself. Until then, still 'selfish may'.

Reminding myself of "asshole may" as I try to keep it simple and day by day. At least, I've been noticing some patterns not really beneficial for me. Besides of Yuval Harari books, I ordered one about highly sensitive people by Elaine Aron. I learned about this lately and I might fall somewhere near that category. Next week is hopefuly the last busy week until July, so the only goal is surviving.