Gladius

Despite the optimism of my last post, this week I did sense a lack of energy, caused mainly by working long hours. Actually, this led me to met someone who I might like as a partner, but I still feel I'm not 100% ready yet. Probably somewhere around 90%?

Having a kid must be both the most fulfilling and exhausting experience possible for a human being. You guys are lucky to have each other. Congratulations.

Lately, it feels like I'm reaching an optimal level of health. My nervous system is way more calm, which means my thoughts are not so intense anymore. If I compare myself to a year ago, the progress is undeniable. My routine includes going to the gym 4-5 times a week, I barely drink and smoke, and my new career is definetely taking off. For the time being, I don't ask anything else from life. My eyes are open to see if I can find a partner but I won't chase it. Steady as she goes.

@ElenaO Thanks, it truly is an addiction, and it should be treated as one. It's all part of the process. Of course you can expect difficult emotions bubbling up when you abstain, but I'm confident it is worth it. Good luck to you as well!

This month there has been some recognition to my work. That brings even more validation to the feeling I already have that I'm getting back on track. The goal for January, though, was not fulfilled. Apparently, I keep needing that cheap dopamine source which is a dating app. In February, I will set a simple one since I really want a taste of victory. I'll be turning my phone off at work. That's it.

It's difficult to believe that being nearly 40 years old, my emotional comfort zone is still expanding, which sometimes sucks. This becomes apparent with relationships. Maybe I took this "growth mindset" thing too seriously. Looking forward to relaxing a little bit with life.

Removing instant gratification sources is tough, and some unpleasant memories or emotions can bubble up in the following days without warning. Hopefully, there is a payoff. I assume that means more health or energy in some way, calmness and deep connection. Let's keep tracking that.

Those are just made-up beliefs from you. Does it serve you to think that way, whether it's true or not? I'm becoming 38 and feeling more healthy and attractive than ever before.

This is the 4th year anniversary of this journal. It's also the perfect time to end it. It's been several months now since I'm feeling enough emotional stability to close this chapter of my life. I might open another journal, but in a different direction. We'll see. It's time for a break. Thanks to all of those who have read and interacted. Of course, special thanks to @Leo Gura. I hope you are aware of what you've created, man. You're awesome. I'm grateful for life. And if things go ever wrong again, the mantra is "back to basics" @studentofthegame Cheers.

I want to be extremely specific here with things that can improve my life (and therefore those around me). No bullshit. Challenges: - NoFap. - Daily 10-minute meditation. - Max 10-minute social network per day (binging). These should be some realistic goals for this month. I'll post weekly at the very least. See you soon.

Something I realised these last days is that I'm still stuck at many different layers of the Karpman drama triangle. It's essential to remind myself of this because it creates so much tension in my relationships, and it takes up a lot of energy. Some people in my life is still triggering victim thoughts. I'm still approaching many relationships (friendships or romantic) as looking for rescuers, persecutors or victim (as myself). At the moment I'm aiming to get rid of that resentment and looking at things as they are now. If I don't do that, it will be as if I still haven't learned the lesson, which is setting boundaries with others and taking care of myself. That would keep me stuck in the loop, and that's what I don't want. This is probably the most important insight for me from this journal. Actually, I've been talking about it over and over. It looks like this is finally sinking in.

In one month, it will be the 4th year anniversary of this journal, and probably the end of it. The intention, even though I didn't know in the beginning, was to overcome a shitty past and break free of the drama triangle. It has been looking like that for the last several months. This whole year has been amazing so far in terms of recovery and self-mastery. I'm eager to close this chapter of my life. In one month we'll do the final review.

It's that simple: The less overthinking, the more energy, health and happiness in my life. Trying to solve everything in one's head is literally exhausting.

Man, I gotta say I loved this. Your awareness level is already huge. I feel you, believe me it really resonates with me (and I'm sure with many people in this forum). If it helps, a little bit of my story: I overcame abuse from a shitty family, many years of bullying in high school, and decades of being a doormat. At the moment I'm pretty happy, functional and fulfilled. You can come back from anything.

Facing new situations feels literally like getting into cold water. You tiptoe in the beginning, your body resists it, and if you push through this resistance, you will get used to it and even enjoy it. It's essential to remind this when discomfort shows up when expanding.

Death is the only certain thing in life, so why rush it? Get curious about life, and whether you can overcome a shitty past.

The work is not over. Self-sabotage is still present in my life. When I'm almost there, my body freezes and my mind tells me to go home. Tonight, learned helplessness made its appearance. It's tough, but the only thing to do is to take note, be aware and move forward.

This is one of the periods of longest emotional stability since I can remember. I'm feeling healthy and grounded, which was the initial goal of this journal. The motto these last weeks has been ·what I call "cleaning out cheap dopamine from my life". I realised I had been stuck in a loop of social media, food, drink, porn, etc. The root cause of this addiction has already been dealt with. Now the intention is to change this behaviours, so I have more energy for stuff that matters. From my experience, I know you can't become a monk overnight, so the approach will be way softer this time. Steady as she goes.

The emotional outburst of these last weeks is completely understandable. So many repressed emotions over decades are now being released at once. I might be growing quickly, because I'm overcoming behaviours and relationships from the last month that look embarrassing now. It's part of the journey and it makes me even more confident about the future.

It's been several months since the worst stressors have been removed from my life and it feels great. I have also been working on processing trauma and decompressing my nervous system. That means I have more energy in my hands and I'm not sure what to do with it. My next goal is to find a long-term relationship. However, I feel the need to update a bit my social skills and catch up with my dating life. Therefore, these last weeks it's all about women, which has been one of my biggest issues throughout my life. Actually, it's probably "the last frontier". Every other aspect of my life is now more or less handled: Health, career, finance, friends, family... As I said, I'll go with the flow at least until the end of the year.

There are not many changes to write down these days, but in this scenario, no news are good news. I've been maintaining a good energy level during the last month. Every now and then some emotional flashbacks bubble up, although I'm becoming a pro at handling those. I consider it a byproduct of unlocking the life I want to create. The only thing I need to remind myself over and over is to meet my needs and go with the flow.

This week I've been back to work. Lately the devil was making work for my idle hands, so it feels good to be productive again. At this point, I can't complain about my life. I am way more healthy and balanced than a year ago. Some old memories and feelings surface every now and then, but it's nothing I can manage on my own. For the time being, I'll keep going with the flow.

Summer break is working wonders. Finally, I got real time on my hands to process all (positive) changes made during the last year. My body is tuning in and feeling the energy to take on bigger challenges, both physically and mentally. Occasionally, I still slip up, forgetting about taking care of myself. In these situations, I just need to remind myself to meet my needs over and over again, and move on. Actually on September I'm back to work, increasing number of hours. I'm looking forward to have a nice routine with a cool job and still time for my stuff The goal is simply to get there in the best shape posible. Other than that, steady as she goes.

Things have been quite smooth lately. There is a new insight in my mind I want to remind myself about. It might seem basic but I forget this stuff easily. A mistake I have been making often in my life is going out of my way so much, in order to chase some unattainable fantasy (new career, gorgeous woman, fancy lifestyle...). This need to run away caused so much frustration and pain every time, resulting in even further energy wasted to change the situation. No wonder I have been exhausted since many years ago. It's feels counterintuitive to me to avoid such extra efforts, instead of taking it easy and enjoy the ride. It took a lot of time to adjust expectations and live life as it comes. As I'm learning this, it feels good to just chill and focusing in taking care of myself. This is important as I'm facing now a few weeks of holidays and need to decide exactly what to do with them. Again, going with the flow is the motto.

Just pay special attention to what people do, not to what they say.