Gladius

How important is breathing? Breathing deep for the first time in my life...

Digging further and further into my people pleasing addiction, I realised even this journal is written in public hoping to find some external validation. I guess it's not that bad, though.

So it was that easy all along. The only thing needed to be happy was to tell people to go f themselves. Why no one told me a few decades ago?? Well, better late than never.

The streak goes on. Again, my main challenge still is to be aware of people pleasing habits and avoid falling back into them. The more I'm aware of this, the better life gets, and my health and energy rises. It's that easy.

These last weeks I had been feeling pretty strong. Somewhere deep in my mind I was curious whether anything else could knock me down. I know this could become some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. The answer came in form of a virus, which hit me hard for almost a week. At the same time, I had to break more expectations from my family. It seems they are still expecting me to behave like a doormat. When that is not happening, there is a huge backlash, and that takes some energy. However, I see all these obstacles as opportunities to become even stronger. At work things are getting better and better, so I'm sure I'm on the right path. It will take a few more years to be where I want to be, and that's fine. As a side note, even my sexuality is changing. I used to have a little weird sex cravings over the last years, and now this is being naturally fixed. Steady as she goes, mf.

Not much to add so far. Good vibes at work, which makes me so proud. Still, being aware of people-pleasing patterns and short term gratification. These are my greatest enemies at the moment, and at the same time trying to be not too strict on myself. However, compared to one year ago, the improvement is slow but undeniable. It does feel like a total rewiring of the brain until I can lead a "functional" life in al aspects. There is nothing else to do than keep going this way and enjoying the process.

Being aware of your thoughts 24/7 can be exhausting, in particular if you are trying to set aside obsessive thinking loops. If you manage to do it, it means more energy and health for yourself. It seems counterintuitive, but I stopped going to the gym for a while and focused in resting and get other aspects of my life together. I also started being mindful about my diet. It was already healthy, but I increased quantity and stopped being so strict with sugar and stuff.

It's been the longest stretch on holidays and outside the city in a really long time, and I'm feeling great. Now I'm back in the city and hope to protect this energy for a long time. From now on, my intention here will be focusing in the progress, and I think I did. I've been in a rural area with family, and that "do nothing" rest was something I desperately needed. Firstly, being in touch with nature, having a bath in a freezing river every morning it has brought me so much life. Actually, that's the main takeaway from this summer. Getting used to cold water has been awesome, and the intention is to include a cold shower every morning. By the way, also NoFap during all this time and ongoing. Forgetting about this (and women for the time being) was probably a good way to bring some strength back. Besides, I have been dealing with some family members which I would have avoided in the past. I let some anger and rage out which is completely fine. This might seem far-fetched, but I'm positive some dynamics and roles within the family have changed due to my boundaries. That also makes me feel so much calmer and confident. Last but not least, being away and having time in my hands made me realise some people pleasing patterns, which I thought they were over, so there was growth in that area as well. The goal now is to keep being mindful in the city, and avoid as much as possible those things and people who make me slip back. PS. Also grabbed my old guitar and finally played some real music.

@studentofthegame hey buddy, glad to hear from you. As always I'm loving your metaphors and I couldn't agree more. Sometimes I feel I'm being repetitive here, but as you say that's how we are wired, tending to behave in patterns, looking for the familiar, and breaking from with only awareness is not as easy as it might seem. Appreciate your reply, it's indeed helping me.

It doesn't matter whether there is work 24/7 or I have several weeks off ahead. My inner bully always finds the way to make me feel stressed, focusing in every minor problem around. We are now becoming friends though. Somewhere deep inside my mind, I'm afraid to post here because, looking back, it looks too similar to my previous posts, even to my previous journal. On a daily basis I'm trying to convince myself that I'm making progress, but sometimes it is hard to believe. It is obvious for me in terms of health, because I just feel better. On the outside, things are moving at a slower pace, apparently. However, I'm optimistic and I know that one, two or five years from now I will thank myself, the same way I'm doing it for my past self.

The course is over and a good 2 months stress-free break is ahead. The idea is to keep decompressing the nervous system, whatever that means. I'll be aware of any triggers and self-sabotage that might occur. Cheers.

This week I was supposed to finally relax after a big stretch of work and then... covid struck. Definitely, when things go wrong my brain still looks for something to blame, even if I'm aware of it. Again, the only thing left to do is suck it up and move on.

After the last slump, I'm confident I leveled up once again. Seems some people or situations which I have avoided most of my life, are now triggering those repressed emotions. It is enough to observe, sit back and let it go. Besides, my tolerance to stress is not as high as I had imagined. In the past, I just pretended I didn't care but it would take a toll in my body. Being aware of it allows me to find healthy ways to navigate stressful times. Steady as she goes.

@studentofthegame hey buddy, good to hear from you. Well, looking back, there are some relapses, but I'm positive to see some overall progress. Looking forward to your updates.

Insights from May: - Pause and breathe before reacting. - Be aware of your inner bully. - Trust. In yourself, in the future, in others. My only goal for June is taking cafe of myself and make the most at work.

This is something I'm realising now. When I'm around people, I'm mostly unease, restless, anxious. Up until now, I had been studying myself during alone times, but I barely observed how was my body when being with someone else. Alone time has ended, it's time to go out there and socialise

Again, I have the feeling I came across one more layer of healing in the form of an ultimate insight. After getting rid of all "external bullies", I realised there is still one to go, which is myself. There is this constant voice nagging me all the time. Of course, due to all the work done over the last years, this internall bully is getting quieter and quieter. And that's the exact reason why it is becoming more difficult to identify. Being aware of this internal bully is huge. It's blocking downward spirals and brain fog I didn't even know they were there.

@Sidra khan Thank you so much.

It was a bit rash to close the previous journal considering I was fully healed. There has been a lot of progress, of course, but there is still a long way to go. It feels like every time I try to make a step forward, like a real one, my body is shutting down. I assume it's learned helplessness doing its job. Emotions and experiences are still stored inside me, and some flashbacks come to the surface to say hello. I push forward to that but still I can spend a day barely moving from the couch. Let's track how often this is happening in the future.

There's something I barely posted here but it is the most ongoing feeling I had for the last few years, which is anger and resentment. I've been extremely pissed at people, whether it's family, friends or coworkers. Of course, the ultimate person to blame is the guy typing this words for letting others cross boundaries over and over again, but that's a bitter pill to swallow.

It's all good. My intention now is getting closer to people because I have been quite isolated lately, but always in my terms. The goal for April is just to keep Insta deleted from my phone.

It's been a while since I didn't have an insight about my own life, maybe because I'm in a pretty good moment. However, I'm still too much of Mr Nice Guy. I kinda knew this but it didn't sink in. This is just a reminder that I can be a bit of an asshole. It has a lot to do with my masculinity, and my relationship with women. Let's be aware of that.

It might be age, healing, or both, but as days go by I feel calmer, happier, and carefree. Sometimes, I still find myself trying to force (or avoid) situations, relationships or feelings, although I'm able to be more and more aware of that. What else is life, anyways? Fasten your seatbelts and enjoy the ride.

These last weeks some relationships, both at family level and friendships, have been repaired. It's actually important to make an effort in that sense, if there is a will from both sides. As isolation comes to an end, there are still more and more layers of healing waiting to for their turn. Hope this makes sense.

February's goal has been accomplished. Forgetting about the phone is being extremely beneficial. I'll keep this habit from now on. Wondering more atomic habits to integrate, avoiding alcohol might be a good one. Lately, I realised I'm enjoying it less and less, and I just ordered a cup in social settings for people pleasing purposes. Thus, during March I will avoid alcohol at all and see how it goes.