Gladius

Today I finally asked my company to work part-time. It was in my head for the last few weeks and it seemed like the right thing to do, even in the middle of this apocalypse. They said no, for the time being. I was relieved to have tried. However, I have now two weeks vacation which I'm gonna use like I did. Yoga is feeling great. Just realized my neediness towards other people, specially women. Working on that. Not much more to say. Have a nice day and stay safe!

This week I've been back to healthy habits: eating, yoga, reading... However, another realization I had is I need to actively look for a couple. I've been back to online dating. I had discarded those websites for the last years because I wanted a real romantic connection. It's going to be there in the background, and it helps me be less bitter and needy on my day to day. With this self-actualization stuff I've been too strict with myself somehow, trying to be some kind of marvel superhero. I do tried to slay my biggest demons but it's ok to enjoy life a little bit as well. Specially, I noticed I'm easily hurt when I'm rejected or abandoned, so this is a way to get slowly back in the game. Actually, when I don't receive any text messages or calls I'm triggered with terrible emotional flashbacks. Being aware of that has been more difficult that it might look like. The intention for this week is just to be more aware of this stuff. Otherwise, I think I'm doing great. Have a nice day and stay safe!

From my experience, it could happen that your conversation evolves and you become too intense. Don't forget to keep being witty, playful, and not taking life too seriously. If you're aware of that and still able for small talk, go ahead.

Run boy run (Woodkid)

Just two rules: 1. Don't be a victim. 2. Don't be an ass.

This last week I still ate some junk food and watched porn "because pandemic". I had enough of that, and it didn't even make me feel better. Yoga, meditation or reading NLP books have been really helpful though, so I'm going to keep doing more of that. The biggest realization these days is how stress from my full-time job was literally killing me. The first thing I'm gonna do is figure out a solution for that. Lately, I had been trying to keep up with a perfection standard not only by working, but also exercising to have a perfect body, trying to fulfill creative projects, and pleasing everyone around me. No wonder I was exhausted. Realizing that is helping me to focus in things that matter to me. This week's intention is to go back to healthy habits, and start taking action towards my goals. No stress though. Have a nice day and stay safe!

@studentofthegame Agree. Nothing can beat a healthy lifestyle. Take care!

@studentofthegame If you feel like you don't need it then it's fine. I stopped taking it for two reasons. First, after several weeks using it daily, the effect is less and less perceivable. Giving it a break is good, so I can pick it up anytime when I need it, specially in stress periods. Secondly, I really want to dig in my inner state and see how I'm doing, without any external alteration. To me, hypericum is just a supplement, not a solution. Not sure if it makes sense, but I believe I will be fully healed when I don't really need that kind of stuff. This way, I'm really aware of any CPTSD symptoms or toxic habits if any, and keep track of the improvement. As you said, I think the final choice is up to me. I consider this quarantine a good chance for experimentation.

@studentofthegame The way you are describing this process is already healing, it's perfectly expressed. I'm dealing with same issue these days. Meditation always helps, sure, but in the end I do believe it's up to us. This is a perfect mindset for change, just keep it up! By the way, you were trying hypericum, right? How did it go?

Loved the observation! It's all our choice in the end. Cheers!

@studentofthegame thank you sir!

Nice, I'm loving this kind of journal. It gives you a really concrete action plan to improve yourself. Congrats and keep it up!

Loving this quarantine, folks. I'm still in the same position than last week. Days off from work and plenty of time to observe myself. I'm starting to see when I'm acting from my ego and when I'm doing it from my essence. Working on that and taking care of myself. I gave up hypericum and I did felt a lack of energy. I observed that and I do think I'm bouncing back already. Of course, without stress and still getting paid life is good even in the middle of this apocalypse. But I needed this, I'm sorry! Still, I hope the best for everyone and that life goes back to normal, with all learning gained. Have a nice day and stay safe!

@studentofthegame It looks like a "healthy" to do list for these days the one you're dealing with. In my opinion we can allow some "bad habit" like porn or chocolate to get by, as long as it doesn't become something addictive. Take care buddy.

This week I'm home, in quarantine like everyone else. I got some days off work because I felt funny, but I don't think I have the virus. I'm using this time to relax, work on a short film, do exercise, reading and meditate. So it's not going bad after all. I did allow myself to watch porn. I was already quite frustrated sexually and it's going to be at least one more month. Thus, I needed that. Otherwise everything's fine. It's weird to say that, but I can see benefit from this crisis. I was quite anxious before that and I learned to value stuff like health and relationships. The job I've been complaining so much about turns to be safe in these times. My mind and I are learning to be friends and take care of each other. By the way, I shaved my head. It's higienic if I'm going to stay home for a while. Besides, every time I look myself in the mirror I see someone who looks like a monk, and it gives me peace Have a nice day and stay safe!

@studentofthegame I'm home these days, after a bit of coughing my company sent me home until things are clear. To be honest, quite happy with that, since I was longing for less work and more time for me. Take care yourself!

The quarantine has started but I still have to work, so not much has changed for me. Learning a lot of patience, self-care and emotional management. I decided to give up hypericum these days. I think I built up enough mental strength last year. Many things that triggered me a few months ago, they won't do it anymore. I just want to be fully myself again. We all can learn a lot from this situation: valuing our health, being more compassionate, enjoying the moment and so on and so forth. Letting go a little bit more. Have a nice day and stay safe!

Updating again this week because of this huge pandemic crisis. I guess no one is glad with this situation, but it's been specially frustrating to me since I had good momentum going on. I was almost finally hired by another company. I'm just writing it here because it makes me aware. When things go wrong, I'm adopting a victim mindset really fast. Dropping that is actually a relief. Have a nice day and stay home!

@studentofthegame Many thanks! I'd say the turning point of my recovery was running into a good therapist who finally diagnosed CPTSD. The other sessions I did with her helped as well, and that led me to find more material, specially Pete Walker's books (which I saw in your journal!). I had many juicy"aha moments" from those.

@studentofthegame Sorry to hear that, buddy. It looks like you're taking care of yourself which I think is basically the key to everything. Just one day at a time. All the best!

This week I have days off work until Saturday. My intention is to not live in my head and just take action in whatever I want to do. Too often, I get caught in an overthinking loop and time flies by. I almost forgot which things make me enjoy fully the moment like when I was a kid. Trying to reconnect with that. I passed the first stage of the application process for the new job, and this Friday is the second one. The whole thing could take weeks. Meanwhile, I'm keeping my current job, writing stuff, and hanging out with friends. This week I read "Autoboicot" by Bernardo Stamateas. This book really resonated with me, since this is something I've been dealing with most of my life. Now reading "Man's search for meaning" by Victor Frankl, also lifechanging. The resentment I've been feeling for a long time it's disappearing. Regarding women, I'm aware where my neediness is coming from. I realized my first reaction in every interaction (men and women) is totally people-pleaser. If I have time to think about it, then I can take more convenient decisions. Learning also from that. Overall, and looking back one year or more, I'd say I overcame most of my worst PTSD symptoms. This progress is making me confident that good things are going to happen from now on. Have a nice day!

Hi guys, I've been following your conversation as I can relate to some of the stuff. In my experience, working can be healing, as long as you have at least a bit of fun, and/or you're surrounded by nice colleagues and good vibrations. If you don't like the job or there is a toxic atmosphere, it's better to just walk away as you did and keep searching at home. Unfortunately I can't cry. Not sure why, but I only do it when the emotional pain it's absolutely unbearable. I'd like to cry more because it's so healthy but it just doesn't happen. Asperger is a developmental disease, mostly caused by genetics. If you had difficult times during childhood or teenage years, probably you have some CPTSD symptoms, and I promise those can be dealt with.

@studentofthegame Many thanks buddy, really appreciate it! I'll add that book to the list. Just got "The body keeps the score" by the way. I'll be updating about it all as usual.

I'm pre-selected for a part-time job absolutely different to what I'm currently doing. That's what I have been looking for for the last months and now that I almost have it, a lot of resistance is coming up. My income will reduce dramatically, at least in the beginning. My hopes are to recover passion and enthusiasm into my life, and that can lead me to better opportunities. If what we are doing on a daily basis is what makes our life, then this soul-crushing job is not for me. I need a change. Many friends and family can't understand it. For once, I will follow my intuition. I never did. It's about time. F*ck it. Have a nice day!

@Average Investor As @Inder said I think it's wise to have a part-time job for many reasons: It keeps you active and in demand, you have a steady source of income and it takes pressure of your personal project.