Gladius

Really good test this week for my inner good momentum. A partner made a huge terrible mistake that spoiled a lot of resources for my current project, and made me postpone it or maybe cancel it. So far, I believe I managed to forgive myself as much as necessary, but I still struggle to forgive others. I also need to decide if I keep trusting this person from now on, or I make a change in the team. Yesterday, when I got home after the disaster, I only came up with putting on my training shoes and start running. It's been years since I have run so much. Today I have been swimming and I'm much better, and just pondering solutions. I also got the news a young cousin of mine died of overdrinking. That made me think what kind of story I want to be in. Moving forward.

@studentofthegame Sure, keeping things simple and having fun. That's what life is about, I think.

@studentofthegame That's a good question. I think it was just the idea of taking care of myself first, stopping the victim mindset, and putting an effort on being aware. I only have been really consistent on exercise, hypericum, pretty healthy diet and good sleep. Since the quarantine I also cut off some friendships that didn't really work. Even though it was tough in the beginning, that made room for better people and better things to happen. That brought a lot of energy as well. As you know I also read many books, watched youtube videos, and did some therapy. Oh, and meditation, of course

Another insight I had this week: Body shape is essential for my mood. I had watched many things like the famous ted talk of "your body language shapes who you are" but, again, I never truly integrated that into my daily life. I'm becoming aware that many times when I enter the "unaware mode" (driving, working, checking the phone, etc) I adopt a terrible kyphosis, which gets even worse since I'm very tall. Until now, I kept my back healthy thanks to my exercise habit. However, being mindful of that allows me to just pull my chest out and relax my shoulders. That automatically creates a mood shift in my mind, and even some old memories or emotions have been released, like small flashbacks, if that makes sense. Talking about childhood with someone, I also realized I want to become the adult I never had back then, which I'm doing for my nephew. Coincidence or not, this week I have met truly amazing creative people. I'm starting to believe all this shadow work might pay off. For the time being, keeping meditation, healthy diet, and taking care of my own needs. That's it. Cheers.

@studentofthegame Don't you love these breakthroughs? Sure, there's a lot of pain in it, but overall it can be also funny to observe yourself and growing so much, as if you were playing "the sims".

All these dreams of becoming a huge movie celebrity come hell or high water are obviously a way of compensating for the pain in my past. It's about time I accept this. It is ok to have ambitions, and I do believe there's some talent in there, but happiness (or peace of mind as I say) lies right in front of me, and it needs to be reminded every single second of the day, because I often forget. I had read this thousands of times, but I never really deeply understood or integrated. Now I realised we only have the present, and we have the choice to play the cards we have been handled one way or another. That's it. There's nothing else. Forget about blame, guilt, hate, resentment and so on. All these negative emotions exist, they have a function so you can move on and let them go. While I will keep moving towards my goals, I truly understand now the big goal is in myself, every single time. There's nothing else. And actually, the more present I am the better things work out. The most important thing right now is taking action from a position of love and compassion for myself and others. Always think from where are you acting or talking. It feels I'm opening up again after many years closed. It sounds supercheesy but I can literally feel my heart opening up. I had this insight yesterday while riding the bike and almost forgot to write it. I'm pretty sure it must be the consistency with hypericum, because last months the number of insights is massive. However, if stories are about pain, I can tell some of those.

@studentofthegame I'm proud of the way I am reparenting my inner child and how I have developed self-compassion. Whatever happens I'm always going back to taking care of myself, drinking water, breathing, and decluttering. There's much room to grow though.

Loving the idea of recording inputs that may have helped to create this low mood. Sometimes we relate so much to our thoughts we believe there is something wrong with us, and we forgot how diet, for example, is essential for this matter. About overthinking, it's already great you're aware of that. I'm sorry if I reply from my own experience, but I can relate so much to your journey I can't do it any other way. I can tell changing careers in your 30's may be tough, confusing, embarrassing or lonely. Of course you can be wrong. So what? Just remind the "shapeshifter", that's all I can say Hope you feel better tomorrow, take care.

Funny things happened last week. I'll try to explain this to myself here. For the first time in my life, I have been responsible for casting members for a project. I realized how much my people pleasing habits are incredibly wired into my brain. I can't believe how tough it was to say "no" and reject people, thus disappointing them. However, exploring this "dark side" of me has been really interesting and even healing. This experience has been essential to learn to shift the focus on myself and creating my own life unapologetically. I realized never before I took a real responsability, and now I'm really grateful I can grow my leadership skills. Besides, some friends have enthusiastically joined the project and that gave me more confidence I hope I can use from now on. Other than that, I picked up meditation again. I forgot how beneficial it is, so I'll try to make it a daily habit. This is gonna be difficult while I work shift time though, but I'm keeping it in mind. My diet is quite clean except for sugar and carbohydrates. This is just something that can be improved easily when doing groceries. Looking back, I believe I did some progress. I'm gonna pat myself on the back today. Cheers.

Again. It happened again. But this time I spotted it. Every time, every single time things are somehow working out, I start feeling ill. Physically ill. It's like my body is saying "hey, you're not this guy, this is unknown, stay home". Literally. There's a slump and I end up on the couch, overthinking, just checking the phone, and exhausted. This self-sabotage actually avoided progress in my life in terms of dating, career, and so on. Being aware of it allows the lies to go through and catch my energy back. It's not going to happen anymore. I got it.

Exactly, that's why it's so important to take care of the self and keep good energy. I think Leo was right when he said "awareness alone is curative. I feel like with awareness I am removing layers of self-sabotage and toxic thoughts. After last week's comedown seems I had a breakthrough. Actually I don't have any plans. None. But I do have energy to do things. It's noon time and I already have been to the gym, spent time on tinder, and so on. Everything is in pause, due to covid and holidays. I'll just focus on myself, keeping home tidy and clean, and go with the flow. In these situations, if I remain positive, usually some good ideas come up. Thanks buddy!

Finally a few days off. These last seven days I had to work a lot. This lowers my battery and my darkest side makes its appearance. A lot of anger and resentment comes up, it could be towards anyone. For example, I realized too many times I'm meeting friends on their terms. Thus, these last days I used this "anger " in a positive manner to stand up by myself, trying to be asertive. However, I'm happy I caught myself in that victimism and negative thinking spyral, stopped it, and even use the energy. Setting the difference between my old self and the new one is a priority at the moment.

In the end it's all about how we talk to ourselves, and it looks like you're doing great. There's a lot of progress in the way you write about yourself. I can relate to the discomfort when approaching change. I think Joe Dispenza says that's because you're breaking the "addiction" of your brain to certain chemicals produced during your usual state, so it's very healthy to feel it. Keep it up, buddy.

No news on the outside. I'm focusing on treating myself as my best friend. Every time I start rejecting myself I'm aware of that and shift the perspective. Every day I'm more on my own side. This is it. When I feel down, I'm drinking water, stretching, writing, going for a walk, listening to music... I guess that's how it should be. I was going to post about my parents, since I'm still feeling a lot of resentment towards them. However, I read similar posts on the forum and gave me some insight about this. I can use this feeling to understand where my faults are, so I can grow. I am using them to avoid working on myself. This is something I need to remind myself over and over.

Many thanks buddy. I'm focusing on having a healthy inner dialogue and seems things are slowly changing.

I read that book too, I think it's quite scientific academic approach. Being brutally honest is healthy. "The truth will set you free", as they say. Did you read "Radical honesty"? I loved it.

Being aware of my own thoughts. It's essential to let go of many toxic thoughts that cross my mind on a daily basis. Often I get stuck on them, which leads me to neurosis, lower energy, and time wasting. A lot of time wasted. When one of these thoughts comes up, I can now spot it easily and I choose to avoid the ride. Being consistent with hypericum since April is helping to track some positive progress on my overall mood. To support these mindset, I wrote down some quotes that really resonate with me and I'm reading them a couple times a day. They literally feel so good when I read them out loud. It's about reminding myself to be on my own side. As simple as that.

I hit rock bottom a few years ago and thought of killing myself. However, my next thought was death eventually gets us all, so why not having fun, bet on myself and see where life would take me next until it's time to go. Nothing to lose. Just do whatever crazy shit you want. Not sure that helps, I hope so. Take care and enjoy the ride.

A word I need to remind to myself constantly is "organic". I tend to force things, either relationships, jobs or projects, and forcing usually doesn't bring anything good. If I ever get a tattoo it should be that concept somehow. A few weeks ago I got organically cast as a protagonist for a short film. I wasn't looking for that but it happened. I was euphoric. I learned all the dialogues until I could repeat them while cooking. Just a few hours before the shooting, it was cancelled because of covid. I have to say a part of me was relieved from the pressure of perfection, but I'm also sad to delay something beautiful that was about to happen for once. Since I have now three more days off, I will use them to work on myself to be closer to my personal and professional goals. Organically, of course.

@studentofthegame Oh yeah, always back to basics. Focusing on your health and goals, there's not much to do. I can relate to the "I'm not fun to be around" feeling. I think it's ok and quite common. I learned to admit that day in particular I'm not feeling well when I have a meeting and cancel it and postpone it if necessary. Self-care as a priority.

@studentofthegame Many thanks buddy. This is the only journaling I'm doing at the moment. In the past I spent too much time absorbed in self-help material and I decided to take more action. In the end, I learned way more from experience than from reading. However, this journal (and of course your replies) are really helpful to get these insights and to keep track of the promising progress that is happening.

@studentofthegame thanks buddy, I'd say dating is my biggest issue right now but working on it. Sounds like you're on your way up, happy to hear that. Good luck on your job hunting!

One week to go back to work. It happened again, good thing I'm figuring out this pattern. Once I am emotionally close to someone, I feel the need of dumping onto her a lot of baggage. This causes tension and I guess is a big contribution on her losing interest. However, I'm quite happy because I'm getting further before this happens, and I'm pretty confident I'm going to do better next time. The truth will set you free, as someone said. Furthermore, social circle is getting better and healthier as I am more honest and mindful of my thoughts, my habits and my words. The focus now is health (in all aspects) and taking care of those I really care.

Starting two weeks off work now. Using this time to rest and reorganize ideas in my head. I also have some quick trip plans with friends. Since lockdown finished, I found myself in a couple funny situations where I did not recognize myself. In a situation of comfortable intimacy, I might say or do something that can come across as agressive or offensive. I tried to apologize, but in a certain group of people it did affected the relationship. It's ok, I learned about it, and I have a lot of compassion for myself now and accept those kind of things. I'm just wondering there might be some repressed anger somewhere. That's why I'm cultivating assertiveness and self-assertiveness, to avoid acting nice guy until I have a chance to blow up. I also started dating someone. I can't help feeling a lot of social pressure to have a partner, and I also kind of want it, although I wouldn't say I'm madly in love at the moment. I'll take it one day at a time.

@studentofthegame Already finished the book. I'll probably read it again eventually, every word is so inspirational. I also watched his short film "Bouncer", nominated for a BAFTA. It must have been a great experience training with this guy! Motivation is contagious.