Greetings readers!
First of all I'd like to thank you for taking your time reading this and to warn you that It will be a long post. My goal here is to "talk" about my life and get some helpful advices from people who have reached a higher level of self actualization.
It seems in order for readers to get a better understanding of the situations I am currently in, I have to tell what is going on with me.
First things first, I am 23 YO guy from a foreign country studying in UK with English as a secondary language. I am studying bachelor for something that in my opinion is worth it and am motivated to push myself all the way till the end. So far my life has been something very interesting and am proud of almost everything that I've done. Even though I've had bad days/situations I've tried to learn the most of it and accept it as a lesson. My motivation is 4 or 5 out of 10 for almost everything, except when I am really emotional. Then it gets up to 8-9 but rapidly degrades, once I fell "better". I'm spending time trying to learn how to do better and get more of the situations. Mostly I listen to audiobooks and watch YouTube videos of people such as Leo, who are trying to help others. I really appreciate their effort and am very happy I came across them! My relationship with my family is poor, since every member is in a different country and we lack "family conversations". Feels like every person lives his own life(it actually is like that and I realise it), but despite being a "family" we don't support each other much. Not gonna lie, since I've found self help videos/books I have the desire to stay aside of everything and everyone that doesn't interest me, which is normal in my opinion, but maybe shouldn't do it do that extend. I meditate often, try to eat not so bad ( sometimes I am getting pizza and sandwiches, which are some sort of fast food), exercise and mostly try to do good. Do good, receive good is what I think.
At the moment I am working (not that hard after I've taken my holiday) in order to save money for university, which starts in January (2nd semester). My time at work is not the best time I am having since there is no development in the job and I have been doing pretty much the same thing everyday for the last four months. I realise this is a plateau (boy that word!) in life where I have to embrace the moment and focus on developing my inner side, since outside cannot be changed much. During work I am able to listen to audiobooks or listen to videos, which I am taking advantage of and listening to something that makes my day fulfilled. At the moment fantasy books are my thing, since I cannot focus that much on what I am listening and on the other hand makes me wanna stay at one place and do what I have to do. To be fair I consider myself a very communicative person and If I can't listen to anything I usually talk with my colleagues. I can't imagine working in this place without them! Even though I can't say that I have true friends among them, I value and respect them since we share lots of common things. If they were not present I would most likely have changed my job at least 3 months ago, since development/progress is something important for me.
So my issues I would like some help with.
Since I am starting university I won't be able to work and study at the same time (been there, I does reflect on my studies and my health), therefore I am considering investing in something that will pay me back, if not after a year, then when I graduate. I am aware that I'm investing in my studies, but I'm looking for something more recent, something that can actually help me during my studies. Have been talking with friends about it, considering speaking with paid professional, but haven't sat to commit 100% for it in order to get an idea that is worth it. Have been told that money is made with money. Me as a student who earns pity salary can't afford to spend a lot on something that is not going to pay me back. Besides I have never seen "money" in my life, since my background was poor and couldn't afford most of the things normal people could. I always have this mind set of saving and spending as less as possible and in the same time I've never had more than a lower class person/family. I feel like I'm gonna end up saving my whole life ....
Another serious thing that is bugging me is relationships. Lots of people think of me as over confident since I'm straight forward and am getting to the point without much of a talk. Not gonna lie lots of cases I end up being ashamed of saying whatever I've said, since others don't get it the way I do and it sounds awful when I hear myself saying it! Anyways I am in another plateau with relationships since I'm more concerned of my own development and at this point of life I don't feel like caring for anyone else but me. Funny thing is (something I can't figure out) that I feel the need of intimacy with a girl, but for some reason I don't want it. For instance last night a friend of my housemate came back from clubbing with a girl. I thought I wish I was out as well having fun and hitting on girls, but at the end I tell myself "And then what?". I don't want to sort of waste time going out clubbing, harming my body with alcohol and other substances, stay up until late in order to achieve something that is temporary (but at this point valuable) and meaningless... After a thought about it I give up on the "need" I have and keep on chasing things that are more important. Yes these temporary pleasures are essential, sometimes I feel like going crazy for such things, but after a few hours or a day I realise it's not as important as becoming one with myself and being in peace. I've had serious relationships in the past and I very much enjoy them, nevertheless they have their downsides. I think committing to something/someone is what I really need, since it will stimulate my development as a personality.
Those two topics are important for me, but still a lesser priority than the following:
In this stage of life I'm confused and that makes me very upset. Knowing what I should be focusing on I can't seem to find the motivation to do the things essential for future me. I am on a dilemma between developing ME, my inner self and my studies. The thing is since I am not studying yet (2 months left) I have my personal growth as a priority, but my conscious tells me I should get back to books and get ready for university. I have studied for a semester, but then money problems came in and I've been forced to intercalate (take a gap year) in order to save up for studies. In the following 4 years that await me (until I graduate) I would like to have both MYSELF and my studies mastered. The thing is I don't know which is more important. Both are super important and both will be in need for my future self, but I can't seem to figure out which one I should prioritise in this moment of life. Besides working on my consciousness is a never ending process and there is no "you've learned it" rank. As to my studies It is a very difficult thing to master (since it's Computer Science) and it feels just as self discovering and actualizing.
Motivation is the last thing that I require help with. On plenty of occasions I feel very motivated to start doing something new, something that's worth it. I feel excited. But the motivation slowly dies after some time. I can't seem to find that spark that keeps the fire burning. I've read books, watched videos, made practical exercises to stay motivated, but It doesn't seem to work. I know that my will power is strong, since I have given up from lots of bad habits, but I just can't deal with motivation only with stubbornness. It just doesn't feel right. I've read some topics on this forum of people who have similar problems to mine. Some users advise that one should purchase Leo's course for discovering the right path and gaining purpose, but I can't afford to buy it, since I know that every penny will be needed in near future. Even though I am 100% sure that it will be worth it, my conscious tells me I shouldn't do it cuz I'll struggle after that. Please if anyone had similar issues, let me know what you did and what the outcome of it was. Much appreciated!
Last night after work I've sat down to meditate and have sort of entered a state where I could FINALLY distinguish my physical body and my mind as two separate personalities. I've been working on finding out how my mind works, calming it down, silencing it for a while, but have never been able to discover that we are 2 different and in the same time exactly the same guys. Got so excited I've made a video documentary how I feel and how I've discovered it. I really think this is a window that I've opened and now I can understand myself easier and talk to my inner self. Hopefully I'll be able to find out what I really want in life and start chasing it.
Dear reader,
Thank you for your time and patience! I am very glad you have spent so much time reading my story. I'll be glad to know you'll have food for thought even if you don't comment and advise me!
I am much grateful for this forum and for everyone's effort to reach higher state of mind and help others do it as well!
Please excuse my poor writing and any mistakes that I've made. This is the first time I am writing in a forum and don't really have the habits built up to write in such places.
Thank you Leo, for being what you are and helping others!
Kind regards!
P.S. I still feel like I haven't said much/described well enough, but started to feel guilty of writing that long! Maybe if necessary I'll fill up gaps in future.
