LoveLotus30

Any advice helps and I'm grateful for you taking the time to try and help. I do incorporate exercise in my day at least 30 minutes each day and it helps. I just want the American Dream ya know. Nice house picket fence and the dog in the yard and i put a lot of pressure on myself because I feel i should be further than what I am. I'm one of those people who knows what to do but can't seem to apply it to my life. I just need to figure out some goals for myself and start trying to achieve them. Just hard to do when you don't know what it is you are trying to accomplish in a sense. Thanks for your insight, much appreciated. Be well.

I'm going to get right to it. I am a 30 year old female with 2 young boys and I recently just moved out on my own. I feel like i have acquired the things necessary to survive and so far things are okay but now things are starting to pile on financially and I am scared that I am going to fail my children and myself. I have a decent job making $40K a year but as a single mother with 2 kids it just isn't enough. I was very immature for a long time mentally, emotionally and spiritually and have just recently come into the beginning stages of enlightenment. I have made some major life changes like giving up religion and become more spiritual and eating a plant based diet. I meditate and constantly try to stay aligned with the Most High. I suffered from a lot of depression and anger issues from past hurts and i find myself jumping from men to men trying to attain happiness which did not work . I realized i spent a lot of time wanting to be in a relationship and trying to find love that i let my entire life go by and really accomplished nothing. Yes, I went to college but only because my mom made me and i really didn't have a plan so my degree is kind of obsolete. I am very shy and suffer from low self esteem and have a very hard time communicating with peers and especially women. I work Jobs but often feel like a number and not an asset because i just feel I'm not as good as my co- workers. I don't really have any friends and my support system is small. I guess I want to make a significant change in my life and live the life I imagine in my head but it only consist of as Leo says "the lush life" but nothing of purpose. People often say "well what do you want to do with your life "and I say "I don't know". I know it sounds pathetic but at 30 i still have no clue as to what i want to do with myself. I pray about it, I meditate on it and i just can't identify with anything. I feel like a drifter and i just go through life but there is no substance there. At 30 I feel like I'm just becoming an adult and beginning to feel all the hits of reality that i should have felt at 21 or 25 even. I think I can admit I am lazy, not in the sense that i just lay around but more that I have ideas for my life but I wont see them through mostly because I don't think I can actually attain them. I'm terrified and I try to keep a cool face for my kids because I know they look at me as the protector and provider but little do they know i don't have a clue or a plan in play to guarantee our success as individuals or as a family. I guess my question is "When you have all these feelings and you know you want to make a shift in life in a total new direction, where do you start?" Is anyone going through a similar situation? I know i made mistakes and haven't made the best decisions in life, I know all that, so I would appreciate if nobody will bash me or judge me but advice I will listen too and hopefully gain some insight and inspiration to use in my day to day. Thanks for your time.