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About Pluck

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  • Birthday 12/24/1998

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  1. Duuuuuuude of course. It all makes nonsensen't now.
  2. I'm perfectly able to hold eye contact. I just don't hold it for too long - whatever that means - simply because I either don't feel like it's natural nor a good thing to have your friend or date creeped out. Thanks man. 1) About two years ago (when I was 17 years old). I followed up just recently (noticing it, not breaking as often since then) 2) I've read almost everywhere that strong eyecontact = strong confidence, but honestly, since I started practicing it, I've only felt slightly more anxious. 3) The purpose is to grow in confidence - obviously to feel comfortable with myself as well as being as attractive as I can.
  3. That's what I thought, except that I think he's doing it consciously, because he demonstrates high status other ways, too, and he talks about body language sometimes. I'm sure he's doing it as a practice in climbing the social hierarchy - consciously - while others subconsciously let him climb. I try to "force" it myself, because I personally believe in the principle of "fake it 'til you make it" and that these things go hand in hand; that I will grow more confident by acting accordingly. The result has primarily been that I now have this hunch that I come off as aggressive and that people are now on guard around me sometimes - a bad habit perhaps. Although I'll stick to it and adjust along the way. I have anxious tendencies that I am working on. Definitely not. He does this a lot; while speaking and listening. When I hold the eye contact with him, I try to outgaze him, and once this happens throughout a single conversation, he holds much less eye contact throughout the rest of that conversation. As if he is suddenly becoming extra aware of it. Which raises the question: What is the perfect balance? We know it's an individual and cultural thing, but we also know that people like others who either act like themselves, or are in a way we wish we were ourselves. Furthermore, if a person is either assertive, arrogant, manic or experimental, that also contributes to the difficulty we might face in reaching a proper amount of eye contact to each individual we communicate with. -- Thank you for all your answers!
  4. Ah, yes, the good old eye contact that reveals every intention at every point of almost any encounter. We can either remain unaware about what it communicates, or we may educate ourselves so that we may consciously steer our subconscious in a direction at which point we not only understand ourselves and others better, but also feel better. Real education usually requires practice. Especially eye contact. Reading a book about social dynamics is not the actual implementation. Okay, that's one hell of a poetic way to open a post, so where's the question, you might ask. I have this super intelligent friend of mine, call him Joseph, who's got himself more or less sorted out. He's very social and good with people, he's very political - a hardcore liberal by the way - he's into history and music with packed lyrics. He's emotionally intelligent as well. He has his own strong opinions about everything and this je ne sais quoi in his very compelling rethorics that allows him to persuade people. He's intriuging, flirtatious and likeable (both ladies and gentlemen), but to slightly neorotic people, he can come off as threatening, although he wishes no harm for anybody - he's also a truly loving person. Right, so Joseph sounds like the perfect guy who is deemed to do well in life, and I don't doubt that for a second, but he - of course - has his flaws as well. He can sometimes come off as arrogant and derogatory towards, say, femi(nists/nazi) in his pursuit of concluding whether the gender pay gap is real or not. Whatever. I happen to be very close to him. I feel like we know each other beyond actions. We both enjoy reading and understanding as well as growing and learning. Sometimes during gettogethers or in class, he has these moments where he tests himself and others. It can be anything, but specifically for this post, I have a question regarding eye contact. Sometimes, he likes to hold the eye contact with you without blinking. He, himself does not flinch. He never does. I can always tell he's doing his experimenting as well as the fact that he can tell that I can tell so. It's for fun - in an unserious manner - but there's always that slight dash of "We-both-know-this-practice-has-a-deeper-meaning-long-term". What is the best way to handle this, and does it mean the same to women as to men?
  5. Ahh yes - part of the reason I dislike being a teenager, but I rekcon I should embrace it instead since these ups and downs seem to be inevitable. Thank you.
  6. I'll check out the links - thanks again. Most definitely was clear and empathic and not at all brusque. We're being serious here afterall, right?
  7. @Truth Ahh, I really appreciate your reply! It's as if I must've made myself not clear enough though. I also have a feeling that the only reason you tell me to drop my criticism is because of Leo's recent video. Criticism is judgement (which consists of an opinion). It isn't my opinion that my mother is racist or a narcissist; that my brother screams and shouts and thinks of nobody but himself. What IS my opinion, though, is that it's unbearable to be around. So you're telling me to just contemplate and forgive them? That feels so shallow. You think I don't contemplate these things? I don't blame them for their actions at all. I realise they've both been through shit just like me - it's just that they've coped with it differently. I forgive every single word they've said and every single action they've made. This doesn't make me want to be around them though. Like I said, they've coped with their pasts a certain way, and this is where I am asking for help. My way of coping with them is to be nice around them, help them if they ask, but generally, I avoid them. I prefer to spend my time around people who actually take action and do shit in their lives. I don't want to drag myself down - at the same time, I realise that I shouldn't push them down as I try to grow. This is why I don't guilt them for any of my problems. Does this make sense? By the way, I've read a few books about body language. I know what it means, it's just that I feel a certain way about it, too, as I implement the knowledge in my own life. I am practicing on that, and I'm doing way better contrary to before, so it's not an issue for me. I know how to cope on that front. Yes, I am aware of the respond vs react principle. You know, now that I think about all of this, I've come to realise that maybe my biggest problem in life is my lack of patience. I like to tell myself that I am patient, but quite honestly, I am much better at putting up with things forcing myself not to flinch. I'm being indenial in other words. Meditation helps me building true patience - glad I did it today, too. Which is exactly why I've made this post! How do I go about gaining that understanding? One way is to expose myself to people more (being with people). Another way is to put myself in others' shoes (being with people & by myself). I can also start focusing on noticing body language more than I currently do. Any other suggestions? And hey, thanks again for your reply! Much appreciated.
  8. Hi there. My name is Michael, I'm 19 years old and I'd like to share my life story with you as well as some of the emotions that I am feeling. I have been through a few tough experiences, all of which I think have left a mark of neuroticism in me. I like to think that it is just the past and that it doesn't matter, but being indenial doesn't make me feel any better - which it is. I was hoping that perhaps some one out there - being completely unbiased (you haven't known me for years etc.) - would read my story, call me out on my bullshit, analyse me or whatever, tell me what I am doing right or wrong, and finally, how I should deal with myself and others in the future. I will try to make myself as clear as possible so that it will be easy for you to read. All titles and important emotions are highlighted in bold. At the very end, I'll summarize with some bullet points, because there will be lots of text. Let's get into it. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Earliest memories I have lived in the same small town since I can remember. In my (now) dad's house with my brother (1,5 year older than me). When I was about 3 years old and going to kindergarten, my parents were considering a divorce. No shouting. No violence. Of course, I was too young then to fully understand what this meant. I remember only that it came more or less out of the blue. Mommy and daddy were nolonger happy. I remember them frowning. They were displeased - and most definitely worried for me and my brother, who was old enough to both remember and understand more. They didn't divorce anyway: My brother and I were told that they were now happy again and that things would now work out. Let me briefly introduce you to my parents before we go on and explore my time at kindergarten and early school. My parents Today, my dad is running two businesses and he is happily married to a woman whom he loves dearly. They are a much better fit now that I think about it. Back then, he was working for a company, but things went ugly when the financial crisis of 2007 began. He has always 'figured things out' when there were problems or we had to plan things. He studied maths and physics, and although he did very well, he didn't really use that education since university. He's very intelligent, funny, creative and simply a great father. I did not see him that much when we were smaller, and he was kind of inexperienced with kids. My mother has always been a saleswoman (clothes, glasses, wedding dresses, you name it). She is more on the creative side - drawing, experimenting with cooking. She is also happily married today with a man who sacrifices everything for her. I think their marriage is odd. More on this later. I was very close to her as a kid. She brought us up the most since she was non-working while my dad was working late during workdays, so she simply spent more time with us (about 3-4 times more). As I said, I was very close to her. I would act silly in the way that she would. I would sing the songs that she enjoyed. I would watch the movies she loved. Today is far from that. A great passion of mine: I absolutely love music. I was introduced to Michael Jackson at the age of 4, and to this day, I know about every single song of his by heart. Music has always been a huge part of my life. I started playing the drums at the age of 6, and I've later taught myself how to play the piano. Today, I make my own compositions on FL Studio, and I listen to many different genres (rock, jazz, classical music, hip hop, disco, old and modern rap, dubstep, R&B - pretty much everything that isn't really popular today - specifically Jacob Collier, Seal, Savant, Beady Belle, Chick Corea, Dave Weckl, Dirty Loops, Avenged Sevenfold, Be'Lakor, Chassol, Hopsin, Jamie Cullum, Stevie Wonder, Niels Lan Doky, D'Angelo, Saybia, Adam Lambert, Tigran Hamasyan, Noisia AND SO MUCH MORE (Michael Jackson, Jacob Collier and Avenged Sevenfold being my favourites and probably always will be (all of their music), so check them out if any at all). The reason I give you this long list is to give you an idea of who I am. I believe music does so more than ever. Especially those who are passionate about it. Kindergarten and early school I have only a few memories from kindergarten, one of which is worth mentioning. I was playing in one of the rooms, and I noticed another girl standing at the toy kitchen, so I figured I'd say hello to her. "Hellooo, Emma!". But ah, as she turned to look back at me, I noticed that this was not Emma. It was someone I didn't know. I was so embarrased that I escaped (I just walked clumbsily in confusion and embarrasment though) to this big green armchair at the corner of the room right next to her and hid behind it. Besides this experience, I remember being curious and fascinated by people and the "huge" landscape of a kindergarten. At the age of 5, I started primary school. I didn't have any problem being on my own during first day of school. I'd like to share a few memories that I still remember clearly. Although they might seem trivial, I remember them, and I remember how I felt. I want to let you know before we talk about my time at primary school that I was always a very spoiled child. Heck, I still am today - I just notice it (more on this later). I got all the Lego figures, all the gadgets, all the stuff for my room. I even got my own desktop at the age of 7. Not until later did I learn how this shaped me. When I turned 4, I got this sword, but I found that it was of a wrong color. I remember being dissatisfied with the present. First world problems indeed. I was punished. My room was completely emptied. I sat in my room for five days with only a bed and white walls to look at. Later as I grew tired of being stubborn, I apologized, and my mother forgived me. Another thing you should know about me is that apart from music, computer games have taken much of my time as a kid. My dad also needed to relax after long days of work, and so he was searching up the greatest games out there at the time. The one that struck him the most was World of Warcraft. We started the long adventure in 2006 sharing an account. Later, we got our own accounts (with the desktops) as a surprise one day when we came home from school. My parents had set up these computers as soon as we left for school, and so they were at the login screen when we came home. It was a great surprise for us. Our parents loved to give, and they loved to do so with style. Unexpected surprises, creatively wrapped gifts etc.. I would play World of Warcraft for the entire day if I was allowed. My mother set timers for me and my brother, so we could only play video games for a definite amount of time (after we did our homework for the next day). As time went, this timer system diminished until we finally played video games all day long. Living my early life 50% digitally, 50% non-digitally, I seemed to get along. One day, I met this character in-game. I greeted her "Hej" (danish for "hi". I am from Denmark by the way), and this character replied in danish as well! Ayy, a friend. We added each other and exchanged phone numbers (being just 7 and 8 years old - feeling the juvenoia yet? That's completely alright). Eventually, my mother figured out, and she immediately talked to me about how dangerous that was. It could be a pedophile, she said, but I knew that this was just a girl at my age playing World of Warcraft. "Why would a pedophile be leveling a warrior in Elwynn Forest?", I thought. One day, my mother decided to call this danish phone number that I had exchanged. A little girl answered the phone, and my mother asked her if she could talk to one of her parents. She did. They talked with each other about what we had done in-game. Later, this turned out to be a date, and we met each other. We still talk today occasionally. Primary school Again, I'll only share what is relevant and not every single detail or insignificant memory. I am, although, opening up more than ever. Let's go through some of the things that might've shaped me. We're going 2-3 years back in time - before I met this girl in-game. A new kid started in our class during our first year (I was 6 years old). He was way edgier compared to the rest of us, so he appeared funny and cool. During breaks, I would follow the other boys while he was walking in the front (we were walking 5 boys in this V formation just like a skein with birds). At the time, I was also very good friends with this girl - let's call her Aya. Aya and I were practically "a couple" at one point. Then, at a birthday party, the other kids were playing kissing games, and Aya kissed the new guy. Another girl asked me while I just watched it all if we were a couple. Seeing her do that, I remember saying " we're not" and then I walked home. That's how we "broke up". I didn't exactly feel heartbroken. I just didn't understand how to feel about it. Another memory is when we were supposed to read stories. We could just pick any book and then go outside in the school yard and read. I remember going to the swing sets with this other girl, and we threw the books and started swinging instead (edgy). I then figured that I should spit on the book and see if I could hit it. I missed the first two times, and the girl was just sitting there in excitement, waiting for me to do it, and as I hit the book cover, she instantly sprung off the swing and went inside. I had the feeling that she would squeal, and she did. A teacher came to let me know that that was not ok and so on. It was a horrible experience for me back then, and I felt very guilty and also a bit betrayed. The other boys I walked around with during breaks one day turned against me, because we disagreed or something (I remember it clearly, but it's not necessary to go into detail). I felt the peer pressure of them wanting to have things their way, but I would not comply, so I was left out. The teachers at my school should never teach children. They were awful. Because of all of this, my mother decided that I should change to the same school my brother changed to. My brother was bullied. He was always an outcast and kind of autistic, but he's not really. He was turning slightly overweight while I was turning underweight. I went to the new school (in the same small town, so only three kilometers away). I had a phase in which I would wear a mohawk (I would actually dye my hair black and red). My mother let me explore this, so she helped me do it every morning. She thought it was funny. I actually don't remember what my dad thought, but I guess he'd tell me it was pretty cool or something or that I was rockin' it. As I stopped rockin' the mohawk, I started wearing a hoodie on my head all day. Even when I was inside. I'd always wear it. Apparently I had started to dislike my hair (Although I love my thick curls today). I was starting to feel insecure now that I think back. What I really was feeling through these years was loath. Everyone else was in the wrong, and I was somehow special (coping mechanism I reckon). At the new school, there was another unhappy love that I went through. I was about 11 at this time. By the way, I was still whole-heartedly dedicated to World of Warcraft at this time, grinding every day, reaching max level with every class, playing PvP. This gave me an advantage at english class, so I did well early on. Things were somehow better at the new school anyway. I made new friends and I didn't feel left out. There were obviously still episodes. I started playing music at a school band, and I also started taking drumming lessons again (I started when I was 5, but I had quit a few years later). At the age of 12, my parents were getting a divorce. This time for real. My dad would keep the house, and my mom would move out. I had to move every week, so at, say, monday, I would stay at my childhood home (my dad) and the next week, at my mother's tiny apartment. I didn't exactly feel bad about the divorce. I didn't feel confused. I felt like it was probably best that way. I remember thinking that I was perhaps supposed to feel bad about it, but I didn't. Moving every week, however, was a great hassle, and I remember prefering my dad's house. My mother always complained that we prefered so because of his money. She would say that he'd "buy" us. To be brutally honest, I just prefered my dad's house because it's the place I had always grown up, so it felt more like home to me. Besides, I had my desktop there, and my characters in World of Warcraft had to complete the daily quests, you know. Little did I know that the divorce was probably really damaging to my emotions (more on this later). My mother kept seeing men on dating websites. She saw so many different men, and they were all fucked up one way or another. My brother and I always disliked the men she found. We tacitly agreed that being with dad was way better and way more chill, but we had this idea that it was wrong to prefer that. We always looked forward to the end of the week so we could go back to our childhood home. I could feel it in my stomach. My mother could most definitely tell, I think. My brother and I felt like we were being pulled in both ends, but we weren't able to acknowledge it. It was all "pronounced" in us as ... tension: "Ugh, let me go, jheez!" *weekend, swapping to dad's house* "Ahhh... feeling better" *swapping* "Ugh, let me so, jheez!" *swapping* "Yeah, I'm feeling much better" *swapping* "UGH, LET ME GO, JHEEZ, I'VE HAD ENOUGH!". More loath. After the divorce, I also started using Facebook. Here, I would be one hell of a bitch. I would comment frivolous and plain derogatory things to common posts like "Having a great time <picture of empty bottles of alchohol>". I would comment things like "Oh yeaahhh, looks really FUN" or "Ok, cool dude". But I was acting tough behind a screen. This was a really dark phase of my life. I thought everyone were in the wrong socializing, partying and drinking alcohol, and they most definitely deserved being called out on it by someone like me. For this, I obviously became really unpopular to the point where I received death threats. I didn't take them seriously, but I was still a little scared - not going to lie. Some knew where I lived. My mother saw some of the arguments that appeared on other people's posts, and I was never told how fucked up it was (that which I did). Perhaps I did deserve a beat up. Today, I am deeply ashamed, and many of these people are in the same gymnasium as I am currently in. These people remember what I did, and although I've developed a bit, I can probably never make up for it, nor will I probably never be forgiven. I often comfort myself saying that once gymnasium is over, I'll move to a different part of the country. Heck, even an entirely different country so that I can experience a new culture with completely new people - a fresh start essentially where I'm also independant. Post-primary school I graduated primary school, (I also stopped wearing the hoodie on my head all the time), and I went to business school for three months, but I wasn't really into it. Then, I was even compelled by my best friends - with who I'd meet every second friday (when I was at my dad's house) for dinner and lan parties - to go to their school instead. This wasn't a gymnasium like the business school I was at. It was a continuation school where they lived and studied music. Music! I was hooked. Being taught music theory, history, singing in a choir, playing in bands while living with other musicians at your own age? Sign me up! This turned out to be one of the best years of my life, and I developed a lot. I was 15 years old. I met my first real girlfriend here, and we were together for almost a year. She had had an awful childhood, and she was suffering mental illnesses such as schizotypal personality disorder (hallucinating physical contact that haunted her). She is absolutely amazing at drawing portraits. Google "incredible portraits drawing". Even the best ones cannot compare to her portraits. She was simply amazing. Anyways, after the continuation school, I broke up with her simply because I was sacrificing myself a bit too much for her. I couldn't heal her mental illnesses, nor could I bear the burden of having to deal with her problems, all of which grew more severe as she had grown very fond of the music school and the people there. We all missed it. It was a fairy tale. After we broke up, we kept seeing each other, having sex, sleeping together, but we weren't exactly together like we used to. We held onto each other. Huge mistake. Personally, I believe this emotional need came from my parents' first divorce which didn't happen. I guess I had learned that we would be happy again and that things would now work out if we stayed together - just like my parents 'did' when I was 3 years old. We broke up as I started studying in the gymnasium (I'm 5/6 through, having final exams this summer. I'm studying mathematics, physics, english and history primarily - I wish I studied music, which is where I'm headed after gymnasium). I've made great friends here, some of which are from primary school. My second relationship You are probably very aware of the fact that studying at a large school at the age of 16-19 is also where you are finding your identity (acting like your idols, redefining oneself in relation to others, choosing friends, being rebellious, wearing the right clothes, prestige and so on - gosh, I sometimes dislike being a teenager, but at the same time, I love it). During my second year here, a girl from Uganda started in our class. Now, she was just stunning. She had a perfect face, perfect body. We hadn't met her yet, but as we did, she happened to also be intelligent, funny and interesting. Her father was danish, but he had moved to France and found his wife, and they had their daughter brought up there. Later, they went to Kampala and she went to IB there. Now was her time to go to Denmark, learn a new language and so on, so you could imagine that she was pretty popular as well. I started talking to her, getting to know her, and I felt a connection immediately (a red flag, I learned, but back then I didn't really know - I was also blinded by love). Our relationship began a week after having met her. Long story short, our relationship lasted for no longer than 5 months and it was filled with problems. She thought that maybe she was into girls, too. I told her to... go and experiment if she needed to clear that out, but that was apparently the sweetest thing a boyfriend could tell her and so she decided to stay. Later, she thought she was pregnant, and so she broke up with me (I didn't know she thought she was. She told me that she wanted to stay friends and let the romance build a little). A week later she told me that the real reason she paused the relationship was because she thought she was pregnant and that she didn't want me to be tripped up by it. We got back together the same afternoon, starting out slowly, coping with the fact that she might be pregnant. Weeks later, we found out she was not. During fall holidays, we were together for three days straight. I got to meet her danish family (not her parents - they were still in Uganda while she lived at the school in Denmark and her danish grandparents or at my place during holidays and weekends). On the third day, we went to my place, and I told her I had an appointment with a friend, but that she could stay here. Throughout that night with my old friend, she acted really odd. She didn't want to speak to me. She felt excluded. We got into a big argument the day after, and she left my place and ignored me. Apparently, her little brother was very ill so she needed some help (but if she had fucking told me I would have been there). All these things that she did (all of which were preposterous attempts at creating drama because she lacked it in Denmark) and I still stayed with her because I am needy. After the 3 hours long argument through text messages (unfortunately) ended, I called a friend and we talked about it and played some World of Warcraft together, cooling down. An hour or so later (04:22 AM, I remember), she called my name (through text) followed by a (oh, never mind, it's nothing). I asked her "What's wrong?". She wrote: "I'm feeling extremely dizzy. There's blood everywhere on my sheets". She had been cutting, and I had to leave my friend in my room, riding my bike as fast as I could to her place, seeing the mess, sleeping at her place despite of us having just ended the relationship "for good". We got back together once again after this, but she left to Uganda for a month. While she was away, I evaluated our relationship thoroughly. When she came back, I picked her up at the airport, we slept together a few days. After that, we didn't see each other for about a week because she went to her grandparents' place. That's where I decided to end the relationship forever. One day, when she said she came back to town, I simply told her "Ok". Two hours later, she asks me "So you don't want to meet?", and I tell her: "I honestly don't feel like it". This caused her to ragequit (lol) saying things that didn't make sense, binge calling me, telling me I'm a coward, that I was out of her life, and that I blew it. She made it easy for me. Furthermore, she renamed me to "Waste of time". What a girl. What a person I must be to be with girls like her. I judge myself over this. The same with my first girlfriend. Our dysfunctional relationship finally ended, and she blocked me on Facebook and left Denmark (This all happened exactly one year ago). Where am I today? (The huge shift) Phew, glad that's over. I found a few months before we got together, so I had been watching Leo's videos for quite some time when our relationship ended. I wanted to make my life count now instead of bearing the burden of my past and dysfunctional relationships. I wanted to turn myself inside out. I purchased the life purpose course and started considering these things much more seriously. I started meditating daily (I forget some days though). I started reading biographies and self help books. I started working out and eating healthier. I still struggle sometimes getting enough sleep. Overall I feel way better than what I used to. At the same time, though, I feel like I have these wounds that are yet to have healed. My improvement has been reflected in all aspects of my life - be it studying, social life, wellbeing, thinking - This is a huge motivator for me to heal. I want to be fucking awesome. I want to use my strengths and escalate them completely out of proportion. You could say I'm hungry (I'm seriously looking forward to 2018-2019 where I'll be free from school. I don't want to study physics and mathematics although it's exciting and I'm doing really well now that I'm not distracted as much by video games or relationships (I nolonger play World of Warcraft)). My life has made a huge shift, but like I said, I just need to heal the remaining wounds to make the shift complete, taking my life in the right direction. This is where I need your help! Today I spend most of my time studying, hanging out with my wonderful class (the best class I could ever wish for), creating music on FL Studio, learning advanced music theory like crossrhythm, polyrhythm, modulation, techniques. I listen to a lot of Jacob Collier (he generally writes positive songs about love, gratitude in his very own experimental genre). I primarily live at my dad's place, because I've learned through time that my mother is indeed a narcissist that's draining to be with throughout longer periods of time. I'll go over them briefly. She talks about herself a lot, but her stories are caricatured so that it's simply too much. Everyone listening to her stories KNOW that she's lying, but she believes in them. She does it when she impersonates people telling her how amazing she is at her work and how young she looks (she photoshops her facebook pictures poorly - it's so sad). She is low key racist, but then again she isn't, because her, now, husband is taiwanese. Rather, perhaps, she has a distorted perspective. She is biased / prejudiced. I remember talking to my dad recently about a case they went through back when we still lived together. We had received a package that we didn't order. Our neighbour's adress was on it, but my mother opened it despite knowing it was not ours. She found toys, clothes and some candysnacks or whatever, all of which she gave to me and my brother. We thought they were gifts. We had no idea this was not ours. My father was 100% against this, but my mother had already given us the "presents" while he was at work. She said that she didn't care and that they wouldn't find out. Our neighbours eventually found out that it had arrived at our adress instead of theirs, and so my parents went in court. I remember my dad told me he defended my mother against his will. Anyways, when I was a kid, my mother always told me how this neighbour living a few blocks away was absolutely crazy and sick. Then I was told the truth (not from my mother). My mother is a liar, too, is what I'm saying. Besides from telling caricatured stories (which is in itself a sort of lie), she is ... ahh... she's just so twisted, unfortunately. She is a caring mother, though. She's always made great food, always been there for me and my brother (despite my brother blocking her and ignoring her). My mother is caring, and I don't doubt that she loves me and my brother, but boy oh boy is she just too much! My brother is disturbed and really fucking odd. Although he is danish, he speaks english to people in public, thinking he's some sort of hero from a movie - like Aragon, Luke Skywalker or Jon Snow (and he's dead serious about it) - a huge facade. He also defends himself against things you wouldn't normally need to. If someone disagrees with him, he shuts completely down and starts screaming and shouting. I've tried talking to him about his issues now, because deep down I believe there's something true in him, but all these years without improvement have only diminished that faith. Anyway, so my mother and brother is messed up, and my father is doing really well. We have a great relationship. Together, we always look forward, we are always careful and thorough. We share the same humor. The only bad thing I can say about my dad is that he can be too diplomatic (or neutral), but I understand that he simply tries to lay out things the way they are, explaning what one decision will bring about versus another. My wounds If you've even read this far, I am very grateful! This has definitely been a mouthful. I'll try to list my emotional problems that I've been dealing with for a while. You see, I have this deep fear of remaining wounded for the rest of my life. Before this list, I'll summarize what we've been through: My earliest memory is one where my parents were getting divorced, but they waited until 8 years later. They were unhappily married for 8 years just for me and my brother. I was very fascinated as a child. Especially of music. My favourite artists are Michael Jackson, Avenged Sevenfold and today, also Jacob Collier. I have always been interested in other girls. Different experiences with them have made me feel embarrassed, guilty and betrayed, but also happy, grateful, appreciated and inspired. I tend to be needy when I forget to control myself. Video games. Especially World of Warcraft. I know that game inside & out. It has shaped me in many ways, because it has pretty much been half of my life. I am also really fast on a computer for this reason. This is another strength of mine: I can work really effectively on a computer and programs like FL Studio. At the age of 11, I went through a phase of great loath: I wore a mohawk / hoodie, and I misbehaved on social media. I want to escape to another culture & country, starting all over, meeting completely new people. I went to a music school for a year where I met my first girlfriend. She had some mental issues. I went to gymnasium where I met my second girlfriend last year (august 2016). She had a manic depression or something. My mother and brother are both messed up and difficult to be with. My father is cool, so I live with him, but I'm still looking forward to living my own life. I am a quiet person normally, because I'm not interested in superficial things like memes, rumours etc.. I like to talk about ideas (that I do with my closest friend. He is - by the way - a great guy. He sings, he's politically active, he's likeable, he socialises, he's ambitious - not a second doubt about his future. He'll do well. I love him dearly). We complement each other and grow together. I feel lucky. Today I spend lots of time playing music, reading and socializing - contrary to before where I mostly listened to music and played video games by myself. Now, here are my emotional problems: Neediness (with girls). I fall in love too easily (Just as Chet Baker sang). Being hard on myself. Feeling like my problems are - in reality - petty; as if I have bigger things to worry about. I feel like my life has been too easy at home, and that I must expose myself to an extremely challenging environment for a while to truly develop. I feel like my past (facebook rage, dysfunctional relationships and a mother complex) is taking a toll on my life, having shaped me fundamentally. I feel anxious . I feel odd about eye contact. I've read lots about it, but I always feel like people are intimidated by me, because I hold strong eye contact. I also forget to listen because I think about the damn eye contact too much (just recently have I started thinking about this). I have read somewhere that you pretty much never get rid of neuroticism (Yes, I respect the placebo effect). I'm sure I can get better. I just need someone to be able to see the bullshit in what I'm saying about myself, others and my past. That's exactly why I opened up, because it's necessary for you to be able to evaluate. I also need to know what I must do consistently from now on (besides the generic advice such as eating healthy, sleeping, working out and meditating - I'm already working on that). Introduction: I have been through a few tough experiences, all of which I think have left a mark of neuroticism in me. I like to think that it is just the past and that it doesn't matter, but being indenial doesn't make me feel any better - which it is. I was hoping that perhaps some one out there - being completely unbiased (you haven't known me for years etc.) - would read my story, call me out on my bullshit, analyse me or whatever, tell me what I am doing right or wrong, and finally, how I should deal with myself and others in the future. ] Do my parents really affect my life today? If so, what should I do about it? ] What should I notice about myself? ] Where in all this text does it show that I'm just 19 years old emotionally speaking? ] What can I learn from all of this? Thank you very much for reading. - Michael
  9. Hi there! I have two questions: - Is it ok to sit with a backrest while meditating? I like to meditate sitting on my bed up against a wall. - Do I have to focus to stay aware while meditating? I find it difficult to distinguish between actually focusing and thinking about staying aware, which is not what you want to do, so I sometimes "sleep" rather than meditate. Does this make sense? Thanks in advance - I love this forum.
  10. Alright, awesome - that's exactly what I thought. Do you mean you came to the actualized forum too when you were new? Nice. I've been through two serious relationships before, and I am certain that is not what I am looking for this time around. Honestly, I just want some "fun time" with a cool friend. I guess that's because it's easier to have rather than an actual girlfriend. Getting that cool friend, however, is another story, although I think I know what I must work on. I will continue treading carefully. Since I asked her recently, I will chill out and wait for now. By the way, she let me know that she likes my scent, so that's a good sign. I guess last night was an attempt at creating a "friendly hangout". It just felt very one-sided though. Thanks for your reply!
  11. Hi there & merry christmas! I was at a christmas get-together / party with some of my classmates (We're all about 19 years old). There is this one girl - Let's call her Alissa - whom I've been interested in for a while, and vice versa (kind of obvious to me despite the mixed signals). We flirted throughout the night. Later, I went for a long walk with some of my other friends, taking in some fresh air, talking about what we'll be doing next summer when we're all thrown out into the real world (when we've finished the final exam, that is). Anyways. When I came back, she hugged me from behind, happy to see me. The few of us still at the party sat down on these couches - Alissa and I were sitting next to each other. We were only slightly tipsy, and she then lay down on my chest - eventually, things escalated and we'd cuddle and make out for a while. Great. The title of this post says "discrepancy". Let me explain. We have known each other for about 7 years. We are not exactly best friends, but we're friends, yeah? The discrepancy lies in how she indirectly implies her feelings towards me. For example - At earlier parties, she would primarily be interested in other dudes, because "she hadn't known them for as long as we have known each other" or "she didn't go to class with them" or "she wouldn't risk losing the friendship"... but we still made out recently at this get-together. The day after, she asked me how my day was (I drove her home, but we didn't sleep together, because I had to be up early (she later wrote she would've loved to)). At night, I then asked her if she was available. She was, and so we hung out at her place, but this time, things were different, and I feel like I might have f'd it up. Like I said, things were different: - We'd never hung out just the two of us like that. - The conversation with her was slighty difficult (we just talked throughout the night). - She didn't show the same kind of interest like the night before. She - I guess - held back more. She's not either sure about how I feel about her, or maybe it's just because we were both sober (but she has shown interest sober before)... But she shew interest in the messages (these are the mixed signals I'm talking about). So how do I feel about her? I am genuinely interested in getting to know her at a deeper level. I tread very carefully, because she's the coy type, but I do my best. I guess I f'd it up: We went to bed, but things didn't exactly go as I had imagined, and so I was... "carried away" by my emotions. We didn't cuddle as much (Alissa didn't show the same interest that night). She also said it might've been stupid that we made out the night before, but she wasn't sure. We kind of just tried to fall asleep (still at her place), but I couldn't sleep, and I wish things had went better and a lot less confusing. I told her I had to go (this time, I didn't though), and so I drove home - just to avoid waking up feeling like I failed to do... something right? Whatever that is. Ironically, I am the one feeling like I have ruined the friendship. On the other hand, I am still interested in getting to know her. How should I proceed?
  12. That kind of life must be near impossible for those who have grown up in modern society. It didn't exactly force me to think about something important. Rather, it reminds me of how happiness is an individual thing, and that this thing is highly impacted by your childhood. Some people value family, other people value having a soulmate; some people value planning every next step, other people value living an improvised, spontaneous life; some people devote their lives to history and politics, other few people even devote their lives to sheep. For me, it's either harmony & rhythm or studing long-term development in human beings. I'm sure that happens to be so, because I was introduced to Michael Jackson when I was about 3 years old. The development part is probably owing to the radical changes I've been through. Anyways - My point is that James Rebank grew up to have his values set like this somehow, right - I haven't read the book though. Thanks for sharing!
  13. By now, I have watched quite a lot of Leo's videos - some of which briefly mention how politics and ideology are addictions within our culture; ego gratification. My confusion is: Why do politics 'not matter'? I can find good arguments as to why they do, but not why they do not. I mean, it's the reason we're able to connect with each other in this forum, so in that sense, it matters, but there's a lot of bullshit that has come along, too - which doesn't matter. Perhaps, I should phrase the question differently: What parts of politics do not matter? Even more fundamental: What matters? What can we allow ourselves to righteously neglect without being hypocritical? Is it hypocritical to neglect politics?
  14. For the past week, I've been keeping a strict daily 30 minute-meditation session, but as I'm amid a session, I find myself left with these questions: - Am I supposed to feel the "heavy buzz" in my head and hands after the 20 minute-mark? Is this restfulness or am I falling asleep? - How can I sit with my back straight if I'm supposed to relax my body entirely? If I relax my body entirely, I'll hit the floor, and my back will be supported. Honestly. - How can I tell when I'm not being aware and alert .. when I'm not? Isn't that reminder itself a manipulation which you're supposed to stay away from? - Is meditation better before or after a work out? - When is the best time to meditate? Right as you wake up? I probably have a few more questions. I'll add them if I remember them! Thanks in advance.