Shin

We're not far offtrack concerning study, maybe a 2/3 hours behind, which I'll probably able to force my lazy Intj mind to catch up Highlight of the day: Looking at the crows flying in group. I was totally invested in the looking, I was GONE, for a baby second Didn't got a panick attack again, maybe the Universe understood I wasn't ready, or is preparing a sneaky plan where I won't even be able to panick and be forced to surrender Please force me to be your bitch and realize I don't even exist This is basically the path in a nutshell. No chanting to a deity/guru, not having a clear mind, not chasing a mystical experience, not feeling good all the time. The reason is, that if we don't deconstruct all the beliefs in us, which means everything that triggers us, for real, and not by ignoring it/denying it, Then the identification will come back, every single time. It doesn't matter if we have an enlightenment, or 10, as long as we don't do this, enlightenment will never stick. This is the main practice, from which everything else arose. It doesn't matter how much we meditate or self-inquire, there are people who do this for decades without any results whatsoever. All because they aren't doing the real work, which is to see through all the beliefs they hold, which leads in the end to the main assumptions of why enlightenment isn't already here. It's only after doing this for a while that we can really ask existential question, before that we are too much stuck in our mind about other "problems", "insecurities" and arrogance about what we think we know.

Healthy masturbation ? Remind me a day when smoking was seen as beneficial for your health ?

New years resolutions are a trick for you to be lazy right now. Same mechanism than procrastination. The only moment you can take a habit is right now, not in a fantasy future that never happens,

I am worthy of liberation ? Yes of course, everyone does Since we are all god, why anyone of us wouldn't be worth of being liberated from their delusion ? It doesn't matter what we did or did not, all evil was done because of ignoreance and internal suffering, we never wanted to hurt anyone, we only did because we were confused Therefore everyone and everything is worthy of liberation I personally don't need to) solve all my internal dilemma, I don't even know what those are right now since I slained a lot of them already. Even if there are still some of them left, which is probablyu the case, I don't need to solve everything before realizing my true nature, I can do this after too. I don't need to be a saint either, realizing my true nature isn't about being perfect, it's about seeing clearly what the truth of existence is. There is no need to be anything, except to have the will to be honest about everything in me. Am I willing to look at the facts of Existence, and have these obvious truths transform and clarify my beliefs about Presence-Consciousness? Can I receive and allow the goodness, the simple beauty, and the resulting ease and self-love of Existence into my being? I am ready to be wrong about everything, as long as I can merge with the truth, with what I already am without realizing it. It doesn't matter what the truth is, at that point I don't care about being right or wrong anymore. I'm still fearful to receive divine love in me, I don't kow why exactly, maybe because I never was in love and feel that I would loose all the control I think I have. Can I accept that I am already perfect as I am, inseparable from All That Is? Yes, I can intuit somehow that everything is perfect as it is, which of course is not an excuse not to improve to reduce the suffering of sentient beings that are identified with forms, in all of what I do, even the insignificant things. I also don't need to become "better", I am already a wonderful being as I am, even years ago, but realizing more of the truth and aligning with it more makes life more enjoyable for me, as well of everyone around me, so for this reason improving is interesting and a natural inclination. In fact, the more I realize I'm already perfectly fine as I am, the more I improve, but paradoxically the needs or want to improve fades. Or, do I insist—with the use of my petty mind—that I know better than the obvious truths of Existence Itself, believing that there must be more to it than that, or something other than that, or that I must be different in order to earn the goodness that’s already here? I don't need to be different to earn the truth, but I still think Enlightenment is a realization that is different that what I experience right now. I still don't feel as one with everything, and I still don't feel unconditional love either, nor that I experientially know that I'm not the body/mind at all. Some identification has been broken, but not all of it. In a sense I'm already enlightened, cause I think it's an infinite continuum, and the above points are just tresholds on this continuum, not the end of the line of realizations that are possible. Do I insist upon doubting the obvious and perpetuating more strife and suffering for myself? No, there is no doubt anymore about the fact that whatever I experience it is already it, whether I'm inconscious, angry, sad, or lazy, or whatever else I experience. There is no distinction between meditation and normal life, there was never a separation in the first place, I imagined the separation. Suffering doesn't exist as long as I accept what is happening, which didn't happen for a long while now, even several months ago I fully accepter the pain caused by some separations. Or, can I let these beautifully simple, non-mystical truths of Existence cleanse my vision, empty my heart of confusion, and then fill it back up with a loving fulfillment so pure that I cannot even begin to describe it? I don't know what to answer here I realized even more deeply nowadays that whatever I think or not, it's all part of the truth, even the most dumbest things No doubt in my mind that I will awaken and see my tru nature someday, I even see no reasons why it could be now actually. https://www.trinfinityacademy.com/courses/enlightenment-1-part-2-person-wakes-up-to-presence/lesson-10-there-is-only-now/#Homework

Being 100% truthful of how I feel and think and inquire until I get to the root cause.

Meditation and having a morning routine before going to work.

Don't tell me about it ??? ?

When the ego first hears about enlightenment

It's not your enlightenment. It's enlightenment realizing itself.

If you think this way, probably not.

So yesterday night I had a pretty intense experience. Everything I looked was looking at me, except this time I was in total panick mod. I had to distract myself for several hours before I could finally sleep, which made me woke at 2PM today, which I did on purpose not to have to open my eyes. Today was fine until late at night when it happened again, when I was Walking outside the inner voice was like "oh shit oh shit" "oh god oh god" "I'm gonna die this is the end" It's one thing to know the concepts It's another thing to experience them

See how this is illogical ? How can one moment you feel good, and one another you feel bad, just because you see or hear something ?

Make a new journal named "No Nut 2019 " That's what I would do If I had balls ?

That's only a stage, the "spiritual ego" stage, where you feel so much better than anyone else. After a while you leave it and enter the "I feel their suffering" stage, when you see them as poor little kids that needs to be helped. Then you have the true compassion stage, where you just love them for what they are and don't judge them or feel sorry for them.

Every beliefs are false. Just look on your direct experience and just ask yourself if the thing you think is true even exist in that moment. If it isn't experienced right now it isn't true, it doesn't exist. It doesn't matter if it were, that would mean you're having a thought, And a thought is a projection of the past or the future, never what's actual. The thought exist, but the content of it only exist as a thought, not in your direct experience. Which doesn't mean that what you're thinking about will never be real or experienced, just that right now it doesn't exist. The only thing you can be sure of, is that something must exist in order to be conscious of your current experience, In my experience that's the only thing I can be sure of.

The start of the Kundalini awakening = infinite suffering sprouting from within, or at least what I perceive as suffering. The 2 samadhis are exactly like the description, you literally feel there is no distinction between you and the thing you look at,

It never happened to me. I never had any mystical expériences except the start of a Kundalini awakening and 2 very short Samadhi (a few seconds).

I decided to stop trying to fix a timeframe for studying, I will just go with the flow and do as much as my intuition tells me. Right after I saw that I wasn't late at all, the need to study that much totally dropped, yet I still have goals in mind as to what I want to be done. Like I want to get done half of the study by sunday, and If I've done that before sunday, starting slowly what's left to study. I think it will work better than forcing myself to do lots of hours everyday, I usually can't force myself to do that, and even when I can i'm usually extremely tired and backslide on other things. So it's probably better to do a little Everyday, and If I see that I'm short on time then at this point I will force myself. It shouldn't happen though, since next semester I will directly do all the revision sheets way before the exams. Also I'm quite addicted to a game right now, and the Reason I didn't talk about it was because I Don't want you to get addicted too. So I'm saying it, but I won't tell you what it is, that's the compromise I've come with The addiction is not that strong don't worry, I've had way worse Every day now I will quote a sentence, or set of sentences that goes together from the book I'm reading, like that I'll always have something to write, and it's an another way to remind me of the most important insight or knowledge I learned that day. Since most of what I read comes from spiritual book, I doubt the author mind me quoting extensively, From books that aren't, I will try to limit that to one sentence (worst case scenario Leo ban me ) That's something most "spiritual" people don't want to hear. In order to really awaken you can't just try to feel good and repress negative emotions, that's what everyone does, and that's why it doesn't work. The only way is to face all fears, beliefs, projections in ourselves, so much that at some point the only thing we can be sure of is that we exist, but we don't know what that is. To go this road we first need to go against our fears that limits us in our developement as human being, which is different for everyone. If we can't face a basic fears, or even more hardcore ones, or whatever else that is limiting us in every day practical life, How can we accept to face the fear that we don't even exist in the first place ? It sure is possible, but the chance of it happening is probably very low. After that is done to the degree that we genuinely feel, after much shadow work that we don't have any other fear that we know of, that we stopped believing any beliefs we held, we can expect to be able to investigate the core belief that which we are a separate entity from everyone we experience. All of this is extremely painful and not at all what we hear about enlightenment. It is not beautiful, it is not magical, it is not Pleasant, it is not anything we thought it would be. Yet chasing enlightenment without deconstructing the illusion of the self is a lost cause. It's chasing a fantasy in our mind, that we will never catch, because there is nothing to catch, Only false beliefs to see clearly through. Everytime we see through a false beliefs it is painful, and it will be painful as long as we attach our sense of self on what we believe to be true. The best strategy is to let go of the need to think we are right about anything, to hold everything as possible, and at the same time not true too. This isn't a paradox, we don't need to be sure of anything, for to be sure of anything is how attachment comes from.

It's almost a miracle I'm not banned yet ?