Mirko

no thing / activity makes me happy... I want to be happy just by Being... Just being happy existing... being happy as existence itself... I know that is possible - my infinite potential is able to create healthy ordinary person's emotions in psych.trips - so I want to be able to create them SOBER just doing nothing... Or just by meditating... Basically - I want to have unconditional happiness.... Not conditioned by things.

Because my life is dry... I want to be able to FEEL life... Not mentally understand life... After many psychedelic trips I finally understand that EMOTIONS are way to go ... I don't want to be stuck in the head no more.. I want to feel.... Living is feeling.... Thinking sucks. But I have a disorder that prevents me from feeling positive emotions besides psychedelic trips. that's why a want to to know HOW I create / invent emotions in everyday life or heal my condition...

Let me start saying that I've been meditating for 2 months everyday, 4-5 hours SDS/day at the moment. Attended 10 day Vipassana retreat etc… It's been pretty good except one thing… My neighbor upstairs is constantly stomping and preventing me reaching higher meditation states. I spoke with him 2 times, nothing has changed. He is cool guy. He is not doing that on purpose. The problem is in ME. Since my childhood, I have been overly sensitive to noises… I could not fall asleep when TV was turned on, or streets sounds coming thru my window etc. When I invited my parents to hear the stomping noises, they almost could not hear them! And my girlfriend has NO PROBLEM with my neighbor stomping. She falls asleep with no problem even when extreme noise is coming from above. BUT I think she and my parents don't hear the noise because of their THOUGHT and EGO smog preventing them to hear anything + their genes… I am just somehow „too aware“... Even the previous man who lived in my current apartment did not hear any problematic noises... I changed my living place 3 times… Now I live in studio apartment so I have no other room to hide myself… I don't have much of a problem sleeping, but there are many distractions happening in meditation – especially LOW FREQUENCY stomping from my neighbor above. And he doesn't leave apartment a much... - Earbuds don't help with low frequency sounds (I have tried them all) … Low frequency noises penetrate your whole body and you vibrate with every stomp. - All I am doing in meditation is noting hearing,hearing,hearing… HEARING - Telling myself „come on! Noises are just happening… They are not happening to me… Life's just happening“… - DOESN'T work. - Telling myself „Noises are here, but my neighbor is not doing them on purpose…“ - doesn't work. - Tried to cover the noises with positive thoughts – doesn't work. Ignoring the noise doesn't help. - White noise doesn't help – even when I put bass on full volume…. Stomping from above is PENETRATING me… - Observing the noise helps… I learned a lot from this experience alone but , but I feel I am not making progress anymore. I am very conscious, very aware… I can feel rushing and warmth creeping into my body every time I hear stomp. - My meditation is calm and peaceful UNTIL I hear stomp and I start to sweat immediately after that. - Changing and moving to new apartment/house would not solve the problem… I think I would find something else to bother me! I am rotten inside…. Some weird shit inside me is constantly turning on the Fight or Flight syndrome… The very interface between me and reality is compromised! There's this „filter“ inside me that is not functioning well… The filter sees that fucking noise as dangerous. I WANT TO TURN THAT FILTER OFF. - How can I see the noise as „Just a noise.“ ? - How can I convince myself and see my neighbor truly as a nice guy and not somebody I want to kill during meditation? - How can I prevent myself constantly waiting for next stomp and just enjoy meditation? - How can I turn my laser sharp awareness to something more meaningful than A FUCKING STOMPING? And… I need to tell you… In meditation I don't mind low frequency noises from the street… I don't mind occasional bassy sounds from my neighbor below. I don't mind occasional stomping from my above neighbor's kids… I don't mind dogs barking…. Or to say better, I recognize them, hear them, but they don't trigger fight or flight syndrome in me... I have been trying to analyze/solve this problem for 3 years… And I think that the problem is that I somehow in my mind am moralizing to my neighbor above, telling myself that he SHOULD be responsible when he is 50 years old and stop stomping. So: - I am very aware and have great time when there's no stomping ... - 6 months ago I REALIZED there is no free will. I don't have free will and my neighbor does not have free will either. He could NOT choose otherwise.. - I intellectually understand there is no ME and no self stuff and that noises are just happening to NO ONE. I know I am the one who needs to change somehow… How can I see things for themselves as they actually are? Any ideas? My last hopes for dealing with this stomping problem: - Metta (loving kindness) meditation towards my neighbor. - I ordered DMT and waiting to see some „higher stuff“ and accept neighbor's noise as not that dangerous. (5-MeO-DMT is out of stock everywhere) - Doing Byron Katie – The Work... Will it help? - Meditating outside is impossible at the moment (too cold outside etc.) And remember… This is very serious problem for me… Even though I intellectually understand that „problems don't exist“ - Tell that to my meditating body covered in sweat after it hears first stomp from above!! :-D BTW, I am 29y/o, male, central Europe, introvert.