ItsAvi

@Nadosa As @lens was saying, notice the fear and suffering you are going through. If you look closely you'll notice a spontaneous creation of images and a thought story along with it. You can get to a point where you can watch it create itself and vanish just as quickly. I say this because the experience you describe here...the horror and the pain that comes with it, is what I went through last year. And let me also mention that I tried to run away from it as well. As Lens said, most people try to run away from it and I can vouch from my experience that it indeed does not work. It's scary and the last thing you might want to do (It was certainly the last thing for me..that's why it took a year!) is face is directly, but if you can get yourself to do so, the suffering can vanish in a surprising instant. It will likely come back until you see through the many stories that will be created in front of you but once you start seeing through them the suffering will vanish just as quick as it came. I want to try and give you some practical tools to help with this so I reccomend keeping a few things in mind: Be brutally self-honest about what is going on inside you. Examine it, observe it, question it. Look at if it's real, what it is made out of, where it is. Confront your fears going on internally as directly as possible. Same as above, notice the internal fears, the thoughts and images that go with it that you are avoiding. I'm giving this hoping that it will help shorten the distance between you recognizing what you saw and confronting it. As mentioned, because this bears repeating, running away from this will not do anything for you. You have to face it. Good luck

@Mighty Mouse Good point. Thank you!

@Thanatos13 I had the same insight. Out of curiosity, I'll try to word this question as best I can, what is your intention right now? Not for this forum but your intention you feel underneath everything. In other words, what goal do you intuitively feel deep down in this moment? Edit: I'll also add.. I don't think people really answered your question. It looks like they're mostly just telling you that you lack perspective or that you're overseeing something. Maybe that's true and depending on how you want to interpret it, it can be useful. But looking at what you said, everything aside I do see where you're coming from. Actually it's where I'm coming from to, to a degree. And I'd say you're right. Living is optional. That's all there is to it. Whether you do it or not and why is a whole other can of worms. But everything beyond answering you directly seems gratuitous and an overstep. The one part of your statement I'm a bit confused about though is "suicide is a more expident alternative". To what goal do you mean by this?

@Ocean Haha, I've done this before. The only time it ever worked was when a friend of mine took a psychedelic and when we talked afterwards was when he saw a glimpse of it for a moment. He then asked me to please not tell him anymore because he didn't want to see any further as he liked his life haha. To your last paragraph, I see your point Ocean. It is indeed just me taking what I've learned and trying to teach others for reasons which are just as presumptuous. I learned that lesson too and stopped telling people. Really unless they've had some sort of context to understand that information it will just come off as crazy talk. My ex understands this haha.

@Mighty Mouse This puts me in a bit of a conflict. For some reason, despite seeing through these people and myself for that matter, I still feel a strong desire with images attached to it of friends and sex. The following might just be an ego game of mental gymnastics, but I feel like I'm going against myself and giving up if I don't go after those desires. I'm not entirely sure how to reconcile this and it's been bothering me for the past year. To be more specific, one of the reasons its hard to reconcile is because I feel as if I have to build an image in order to satisfy my desires for intimacy, friendship, sex, and the like. But I feel like I'm lying to myself when I do. But as mentioned before, the desire is still sustained. So, do I go after these desires? Or do I have to let them go? (I don't want to, i'm particularly attached to it which might be the cause in itself)

@Mighty Mouse @Leo Gura Just a quick question for you both, or anyone who's also went through this. I'm not sure if this happened to either of you but what did you do as a result of the detachment from your identity? Did you just build a new fake front? How did you act around others? Can you still relate to people in a genuine way?

@Leo Gura Funny you mention Psychedelics. I actually have a friend who's getting me Psilocybin mushrooms. I was thinking of using it in order to explore my consciousness and see what I find. I was thinking something similar in that even if I go further to enlightenment I won't necessarily have everything figured out. So at the moment I'm figuring out what's best to do with my time in a way that I can agree with. (Meaning, I'll have the correct realizations in place in order to move forward in creating whatever it is I choose without having it fall apart due to my naivete). Thank you though, I want that fact to excite me. THere's something to the fact that I can create anything I want that's both exciting and scary. It's scary because I feel meaningless with all the possibilities but I also feel like there is something I'm not seeing which if I realized I'd be experiencing a lot more motivation towards creating rather than doing nothing. One clue I feel to this is that that desire keeps popping up from somewhere, I just don't know where it wants me to go. That not knowing might just be my mind trying to rationalize something it can't though, since there is no meaning to attach too. Thank you for that last bit "Also, whatever awakening experiences you've had up to now, it sounds like you have yet deeper to go to hit the infinite love facet of the elephant. That's what saves you from getting lost in nihilism". I'll spend time contemplating this as well. I actually like this because it makes me (gladly) think that i'm currently too naive and have a lot more to go. I guess that's what happens when I try to run away from the journey out of fear. Eitherway I hope to create from a place of love. What exactly that means I don't know yet, but I hope it feels good. Maybe that won't matter though once I peel back enough layers.

Will do. Thank you.

@Mighty Mouse Thank you so much Mighty Mouse. I really appreciate your help with this and for sharing what you know. You actually reminded me... I went through an exploration of nihlism like this within last year before and made the decision to find ways to make my life as happy as I can. But I ran into the wall of inauthentic values (attachments) as you mentioned earlier. So now I have to find a way to be happy authentically. And yes, I understand that some type of letting go or trauma paves the way for people who reach Human Adulthood. I now have Spiritual Warfare and will be reading it.

@Truth Wow..a lot of insightful answers haha. This is true, it is actually something I've been pondering on lately. As I mentioned before, I realized that the value in my experience comes from the emotions. I understand the deeper I go the emotions both "good" and "bad" loses its sting and becomes one in the same but as I mentioned I'm not at that point. Anyways, I have been thinking of ways to integrate that information. You're right in that my subconscious does not know that. I'm thinking of doing more positive things to create more of these positive emotions. The issue is that it tends to end up leaving a void of unfulfillment inside and that leads me into the cycle of nihlism in which I realize again that all these are meaningless. Maybe that pattern is an issue?

@Gopackgo I'll need to contemplate on this more. I've had a few glimpses into what you're saying...in fact I don't always see the suffering or "negative" emotions as bad, I just rest with them. It's more of a type of boredem and sickness I feel with these negative emotions. It's also more of a fear of the future I've developed. I feel as if I'm just watching life go by and not doing anything. But there is nothing to do. This might sound off but I'm content with that but only discontent because if I don't start doing something my life will not be filled with the positive emotions I wanted it to be initially. Hope this isn't too confusing to read haha

@Torkys Thank you for this. I've actually had that feeling and realization of "Wow. I can do anything I want. Literally anything I want." I find it interesting you say "Design your life. There is no wrong way. The passing away of objective meaning doesn't mean that creating a subjective one is a sin." I get it on one level but there is something more to what you said which I feel I need to contemplate on. I don't think I fully realize what you said there so I appreciate you sharing it with me. I looked at the question at your post that you made...funny I started diving into video games too because I'm sinking into my instinct and subconscious patterns. I'll look more into your post to see if there are any insightful responses. Did it lead you somehow to realizing and appreciating the freedom in a way which motivated you to take action?

I'm about to check out the third book right now. I have a vague memory of that process. It had something to do with a line he drew on a pad and explained the story about a lady going through a car crash? I do remember him mentioning something about having to give part of yourself up. I don't remember it to well though but thank you for reminding me. I might check it out again because from what I can vaguely grasp I think it might be similar to what I'm experiencing. It does indeed feel like the old me has died. Not in an ego death sense but more the personality I attached myself too. I actually have a lot of trouble with conversations now because I don't know "Who" to be. There's nothing to cling on to or represent.@Mighty Mouse

The first two, I forgot if I read the third since this was about a year ago. The dream is everything. Friends, people, my identity, everything I could care about, everything.

I'm hoping to get some sort of clarity on what to do now. I'm also hoping to resolve some conflicts. To illustrate, as I mentioned earlier I still desire intimacy and the like. I have particular neuroses and patterns that cause me to be attached to those desires. I want and have put consistent effort in achieving them but I have trouble finding lasting motivation to do this that won't fall apart when I look at it. As a result I end up going after this with action that isn't guided by any higher purpose. On another level I'm hoping to end my current suffering and confusion. Nothing has meaning and I don't know how to resolve that. Well..I have a bit of a clue but I really don't want to go down that road and that is to continue the Spiritual Autolysis practice and Meditation I was doing before. I don't want to do that though because I feel like I'll be giving up everything I was previously attached too. I know that sounds contradicting but I really want (or rather feel strongly attached) to the dream and don't want to give it up. (Which again is a weird contradiction because it's the cause of the suffering). Edit: I guess I'll add this as well, I wish I could go back and unsee that insight. I don't know how I would though, it's been a year and it still permeates