Raven_Mike

Ok. Coming out of the panic. Regaining my sea legs. The psychic attacks have waned. Im wounded. I need to heal my emotional wounds. When I finally do. Anything I want to achieve is possible im so smart & capable. I'm talented & worthy. I just have had an oppurtunity to seek true recovery & heal. Mathis is a gift for my benefit to fix myself

There's an enormous amount of shame in me. Today For abusing myself or the codependent in me puts myself in situations where I was a victim . I'm ashamed of that Deeply before I spat a whole dialogue about my noble visions of the world but the truth is. I'm just a self hater who was recovering and was finding peace & wholeness then out of nowhere. I let my guards down. & my whole world & progress collapsed on me. I feel toxic shame & guilt. All my chakras are closed at moment. I'm ashamed for even criticizing others in the world. Bc it's me projecting my issues Bc I have old wounds from childhood that I haven't healed they impede on me I self sabotage I feel like I'm going to be in a rut until August when I can get back into my academic program & finish my liscence so I can get back to work & get out of the financial hole. I have to wait until August. I'm. Going to try to fix myself & my emotional state. Im showing up here expressing outward issues that I'm blaming the world for. But that's my ego saying. --- I'm ashamed of myself. I feel terrified of being authentic Bc I'm vulnerable & insecure at moment.

As always. In our interplay she dominates me & controls my emotions. I lose my complete autonomy. She gives me a panic attack. I feel near deathly. I went a good 8 months of no contact. We had a civil relationship for last few months that just climaxed last night in an ugly phone confrontation. it was awful. I feel as if someone just took my life force out me. & sucked my prana from me. She always controls my emotions --- I thought I'd passed this moment in my life. But I haven't. She's still able to completely make me feel the lowest I could possibly feel on earth. It's power in giving to her consciously. But not by my own permission. I don't want to feel the panic & the pain. But it's surging through me uncontrollably in this morning. Bc last nite. I think I just committed spiritual suicide out of self hatred.

I'm. In middle of a nervous breakdown so if I sound scattered and broken & lost I'm literally in midst of complete panic attack & emotional breakdown. I'm in the death throes of a psychic attack. I'm feeling near terror within me. My heart is racing. My cortisol levels are peaking. & im feeling a crashing sense of deep terror. Panic. Loneliness fear. Depression. Hopelessness. Self hatred & having auicidal ideation a I'm not going to act on last night I got into a vicious confrontation with my ex wife. Who a year has passed I thought we could be friends but was being nice then became unrelentingly abusive with her words & my ego was hurt. I didn't want to admit she had beaten me & shes the superior one who had crushed me. There was a time it wasn't true. But at this desperate hour in time in my life it is true. I flung words at her im in a near panic attack free fall I'm not going to kill myself. I'm not manic. But I'm having a panic attack. I'm cognizant of my cortisol & adrenaline rushing through me. The deep dark feelings of tormented pain just resurfaced. It feels like a psychic attack my body is surging with toxic emotions. & I feel the panic ---. Any tips? I'm in midst of a nervous breakdown

Maybe --- just maybe I could be a foreign correspondent. A journalist. Go to war zones like Yemen & report the news. I don't know. I'm. A fucking mess. I'm PTSD & mental. I got emotional & spiritual problems. & my heart isn't in the modernized machine world of the matrix of American consumerism. But I feel like an alien. I feel lost. I'm one step away from a barking mad homeless man on side of highway screaming God is dead b

They say -- oh mike. U got 1st world problems. & I do. But Nietzsche was right. God is dead in secular west world. It's a crisis of spirit & soul decay.

Scratch that. I love the security & the money. & I don't like hard labor or low wages. I know that sounds conceited but it's why I went into finance. Bc I'm terrible IT & computer programming. (I'd love to learn it one day) im not cut out for construction or hard labor. I've done it in the past on part time basis. I fucking hate it!!! It's too late for me to go into medicine. Besides. It's not for me. You need to be able to have certain stomach for the trade. I've seen blood & guts up close in triages back in my youth. It's why I get so triggered by wars & death squads. I'm not cut out for murdering innocent masses. I I could perhaps be a killer tho. If it was acceptable. Like hitler? Or Joseph mengala? Yeah. I'd fucking kill them. But we're hardly killing bad guys anymore. & I can't live with innocent dead babies on my conscience ---- so. I have PTSD. I did a stint of NGO work in war torn areas of the world and saw first hand the misery. When I was in my 20s. I wanted to do peace Corp. but couldn't dedicate 2 years to it. But I did do 2 separate 6 month NGO work. One in Central America. & the other in western cape of Africa on Kenya & tanzinia borders. I didn't make much money. But I was very happy. But there were a few moments I brushed closely with armed conflicts. & It was terrifying. & I grew a little addicted to PTSD. You really don't get over seeing a machete victimized woman in triage screaming for help. In agony. Or children are the worst. Was ironically the happiest times of my life.

What do all u guys do for work? I'm jaded & burnt out. I apologize for ranting on & on in truth? I'm 100% receptive to LEO's ideas and this forums suggestions. I'm not resisting you all . I just wanted to give you some background on myself so I can get help for my problems. Which are tormenting to me at certain times. If i simply focus on happy thoughts. I wouldn't be very effective in my job which requires me to be well informed of the world & events surrounding them& risk management is the basis of the goal. To prevent our company from losing money. It may be the wrong career path for me but I honestly am good at it. I'm talented. I made so much money for these people. I'm good at the math. & I understand geopolitics better than anyone in my entire company. Im sad. I'm pathetic. I need help. Id love to change careers. But what am I going to do for work? I love finance. When I'm making money & it feels good. I hate the politics of the job. & I can't live with overthrowing democracies or death squads for a little extra profit off the top. It's just not how I roll

So. Yeah. I guess I just feel lost. --- I'm not sure what to do. I have aspirations outside of finance. But I tried for 10 years to write a great American novel like my heroes mark twain & HEMMINGWAY, Faulkner, Vonnegut, JD Salinger, f Scott Fitzgerald, walker Percy. Henry Miller., Kerouac etc. & realized. I'm not only a terrible writer. But I have nothing to say or write about. & i got so tired of being a broke & uninspired loser with nothing going for me homeless like a bum. With no great works to show for my suffering. No glory. Just misery. ---- besides all my heroes were afflicted! Tormented! Nietzsche ends up insane asylum. Strindberg & Rimbaut end up dying in their early 30s. The whole era of their kin is misery and early death. I still admire them as heroes. But I'm not a great writer! I'm simply afflicted. & on the path to early death without a posthumous legacy of great art to leave behind me when I croak.

I tell this story above to illustrate it's not that the people I work with are evil. Although there are a few guys in other companies & top of their fields who I would consider pretty damn evil. The colleagues of mine are for the great majority of part the nicest people. Men & women. Very educated. & not mean bone in their body. They wouldn't go out to ruin other people's lives. But they are also a product of the environment which is capitalism. & even if they are the most compassionate do gooders in their weekend philanthropies. Or whatever. They are fiduciary responsible to continuously chase profit. They may be aware of destruction or unaware.; but regardless of ur awareness you have to do the job of making money. While MOST IMPORTANTLY. not losing money. Bc that is the job! ------------------ its not that many of them suffer from sociopath personality disorders. Some may. But most of them are human beings with feelings and good intentions. That said. An example. I met a CEO of a mid cap oil company in Texas. Wonderful & delightfully kind in our chat. He was generous & kept going over & above & beyond to make me feel welcome & to make me feel accommodated at our meetings. I once asked him off the record, " do you believe in global warming as a CEO of a big oil company?" he says to me; "Mike. Between you and I. Of coarse I do! I worry every single day about the consequences of ecological impacts which I know my company is involved in promulgating!" he continues. "I know we're destroying the planet - but if I stopped exploring & drilling & bypassing laws & regulations for the sake of my conscience, Mike. You know what would happen? I would be fired by the board members & they would replace me with an even more Machiavellian bastard that would do what the legal contract I signed binds me culpable to do. It's a legal obligations to continuously seek growth for the shareholders & I'm in violation of my contract if I avoid drilling a patch of oil I know will kill the local wildlife. So. I feel bad about it. But it's better that I'm here than a guy who has no emotions at all. Right?"

One of my colleagues; I was in touch with recently after I left. Sort of a mentor to me. He had spent his 20 some odd years beginning out his career prior to this new company working as a floor trader in the open outcry pit at NYMEX - which is mostly digital now - but still exists and is being phased out For those who don't know what OPEN OUTCRY at the NYMEX is If u ever saw movie TRADING PLACES w/ Dan Ackroyd & Eddie Murphy - there is a scene in the end of the film where they travel to the WORLD TRADE CENTER NYC. --- and go to Frozen OJ pit to sell open outcry futures that's where my colleague worked Anyway. He spent 20 yrs working the NYMEX pits. Pure chaos-. He tells me a story over beers one night: he says to me, "Mike. The day 9/11 I was late to work -. I would've died along with many of my friends & coworkers on the NYMEX pit that day. But I lived. Bc I was late to work!" "yeah? So? Go on!" , I responded he takes another swig & a shot, "ok mike. I know you will judge me! Here goes: after my initial shock wore off during a week of darkness on the NYMEX floor. I didn't really do much cathartisis. I did however plan to arrive early the next trading day after the market reopens: "I made an outline of my plans to buy long market open! & set all my price points for entry " I responded; "that's pretty sick! You realize that right? " He says to me; "sure; Mikey I know it's sick; but let me finish my story!" He continues: "My plan was: BUY WEST TEXAS INTERMEDIARYCRUDE OIL FUTURES. & buy as many GOLD FUTURES CONTRACTS I could afford to allocate based on my marginable funds. I acted on it. I made a fortune. Later on I grieved & had catharsis. But my first instinct after the shock of 9/11 & cheating death was:. Oh my. There's a great oppurtunity to buy gold & oil now!" ------------------------- I respond:. "So, is there a point to your story?" He takes another shot & swig of beer, "not really. That's just how everyone on the NYMEX pit thinks! The survivors are the ones like myself. That's just the nature of the business. You either survive or you don't. And u take a walk bro!" now mind you this guy isn't a GORDEN GEKKO or WOLF OF WALL STREET type. He's one of the nicest guys in my office. He just was telling me a war story to ease my jadedness w/ the business.

The thing is. I'm really good at finance. They say. Don't do what u love. Do what you're good at. & I love technology & art & writing & science. But the damn honest truth is that I'm simply not any good at these things. I don't understand how to code --. I'd love to learn. But I'll never be like LEBRON JAMES of that field. Let alone. I'll never be played on the worst high school team. I wouldn't even make tryouts at the bad news bears baseball team in computers. Im not cut out for real estate. I've worked in service industry for years now. Had almost every job imaginable & I lived paycheck to paycheck ---. I went into finance. Bc I'm REALLY good at it!!! i also enjoy it sometimes. --- I don't like the office politics. or beaurocracy of the whole thing.

I had a triggering event that spurred my resistance Well it wasn't my firm (I worked for a mutual fund) --- that organized the Brazil coup Rather it was the big investment banks; few hedge funds & one big co called BLACKROCK that capitalized on helping the Brazil coup --- that triggered me bc as soon as it happened What did I do!? I bought up Blackrock shares Bc that's what u do! Unfortunately u have no choice we're not there to lose money!!! We're there to make it! Big trigger mainly one thing, my boss said to me was how the Iraq war necessary Bc it saved our faultering economy after 9/11. He said it not proudly; but rather as a steely eyed realist with sadness in his heart he said it. He wasn't saying he loved the war He said it was necessary to save the economy after 9/11 I nodded but I felt sick in my stomach I resigned a few weeks later It's not that I believe in politics or politicians. But things seemed a lot more hopeful. Like a mass movement was building. Almost 1960s counter culture of sorts was growing & like there seemed a moment that change was possible or good would come of awareness. But the election season. & believe me I didn't support Bernie sanders or any candidate as I'm a committed anarchist. But I was hopeful that ANYONE except Trump & CLINTON would end up the nominee. Mind u I didn't get involved in any campaigns. I didn't even vote in primaries.

I had an epiphany. Maybe I should consider a career change. But to be honest I'm not that skilled in computer engineering or anything. I'm great at finance. I make money when I invest. But. It is soul sucking sometimes. This music video explains me to a tee https://youtu.be/ZSb3nG4oTNQ

So I kind of had a nervous breakdown & a depression. Which is ongoing. I started out my life up until mid 20s dreaming of being a musician. I had several entrepreneurial endeavors making guitars Making electronics for music equipment but I couldn't keep afloat Too much competition & i couldnt pay my bills --- so I went back to school to learn finance That's what I do now Until I just quit --- I just was depressed I wanted to help the world. I just ended up needing a real job. Bc all my instruments were repossessed & I was homeless so. I'm lost in life. I feel miserable. Idk. I know I have to go back to the matrix and do agent smiths bidding. But now I have to do so as a masochost who walked away when they wanted me to do my job. Which I felt a conflict of interest in doing. But now I'm unemployed. & I need a job.