Kelley White

Good Morning @Amplituda. Nice to meet you. You make some interesting observations so lets break them down and see how the might be true to me. Am I happy now? Sometimes yes, sometimes no throughout a day. Are there valid struggles in my life at the moment why I might be experiencing these ups and downs? Yes. Am I hyper self critical right now in this moment now? No. Might I become so in some other moment today? Perhaps, perhaps not. Fear? Yes I am fearful. With what I have just experienced the fear is a healthy fear which keeps one living on one level. Its being aware, wise and proactive to ensure physical and emotional safety from a toxic person who caused much harm and still could at any time if he so chose to do so. I am fearful because I experienced real traumas in life that taught me the world is not always a safe place. I wish it was, it isn't. I wish there was a formula to make sure bad things did not happen to good people. In my experience there is not. I reiterate this is due to my direct personal experiences, which have been rather traumatic and life long. My reality check? Several licensed mental health professional who reassure me I am not crazy and most folks who have lived through what I have would be institutionalized somewhere or dead, I have a 100% survival rate. Enjoy the process: I wish this was true. It sounds like it should be true, it would be nice. I'm not certain how you really examine core issues like sexual assault, domestic violence, crime, stalking, rape, harassment, a child in prison for murder and "enjoy" that process. I think that is rather unrealistic as an expectation. Let's say I can't enjoy examining those issues? Do I ignore them? What progress will I make then? In my experience wellness is a process; not a destination. You're always digging deeper. Sometimes? Sometimes that process is fun and rewarding, even exhilarating. Other times? Other times, if you are really honest, you are facing things about yourself that kind of hit you at that gut level which release emotions you've been holding in your body. Things that hurt. Things that you rage at, negative emotional you acknowledge in non self defeating ways so you don't harm yourself or others even emotionally or verbally. What I really did in the above was a free flow of thought in writing which allowed me to process as I was writing. Look at all I learned I was holding inside of me I got to release just right there? Look at the patterns I was able to break all day long having done this small journal in the morning? In the past two days, I may have moments I cry, but I'm not depressed. That's huge! I'm not obsessing and having "I can't in my heart." I'm hearing and learning I can. Maybe you have already asked tough questions and can enjoy where you are in your process at this moment in the now. That's wonderful and enjoy it. However I find self actualization is like an ebb and flow of non linear progression, some days it feels fun and you enjoy it, other days you learn to sit with pain and lots of unpleasant stuff that is not so enjoyable so you don't have to deal with it again, and again, and again through maladaptive behaviors leaking out. Someday? After I've sorted all my luggage I'm going to have a clean factory to build new cool shit in. So perhaps today's discomfort is worthwhile for tomorrows enjoyable process? Thank you for you comment.

Good Morning @Robert I love comics. I spent many hours as an only child with a flashlight in my closet, hidden among five foot stacks of them reading. Good for you! I like having multiple projects and multiple styles as well. I think that keeps it interesting. I like non fiction, poetry, social commentary, essays, but for my first focus on a "novel?" Science fiction. LOL I have a vision. Thank you for the best wishes, good luck with your work as well. I will keep the book in mind though, thank you.

@Sarper I really appreciated you pointed this out.

I think your question is a great question and I am not certain I have the answer either. I'm working on this myself. Here are some observations I have: I get depressed, I know that. My reaction? To withdraw and isolate. I think I am sparing these people my negativity, but at the same time I've hurt them by withdrawing and isolating. When I am depressed, Positive as in "fake cheerful"? It either just angers me or feels inauthentic. I have a group I socialize with on the weekends of very eclectic friends. People can be sad, happy, tall, small, and anything in between. Its positive because we all respect one another and one another's boundaries. We encourage and uplift one another. So positive as in, people in real life who will have your back? Those folks are keepers. I kind of agree with the cause no harm model, the take no shit I'm still working on.

Hi @Keyblade Viking - Tobias Is it really true that this is my "mind control" setting? I'm not certain. (The "mind control phrase" is a trigger for me, so I took a moment before responding. ) I know I can have a challenging time getting published because as a poet I use language like that. In fact, I can choose to swear like the good old soldier and cop I used to be and frequently do. In a forum? I try to have manners and be more formal until I have established relationships with people where I know where the boundaries are and show respect.. After some thought, I reacted the way I did perhaps because @8LanguageStud appeared at first blush to take a position which was different from many on the thread, but if one took the time to actually take an interest in what he was saying, he was making valid points about the evolution of systems. I want to ensure that everyone's views are respected even the one's I don't necessarily agree with; or that others don't agree with. I am not sure where the quantum leap came from about Haidt and sin? I know folks like Sam Harris take exception to Haidt's defense of religion, but here, in this context, we are talking about moral evolution. I kind of have this wee theory you can't wash your cast iron like you do your china. What IS real? Some folks are religious, some folks are spiritual, some folks are neither. Somehow we might be better serviced to find a way to tolerate one another and remember we are all not playing at the same level of the game? I don't find spirituality in and of itself divisive as much as I observe semantic issues. As was pointed out earlier, its helpful if we are all working with the same definitions, understanding, context. People in sub groups tend to have their own lingo, and things get lost in the translation. So after further reflection I don't think its a mind control issue on my part, I think its a respect issue I'm experiencing.

@Keyblade Viking - TobiasI have to concur with the observation your causation correlation seem to have taken a quantum leap...I mean I like chasing rabbits but that one went a bit a stray and I would suggest perhaps different language from here out on the thread. "Stupid," "Whoreshit," just derogatory and emotive, not a productive part of rational discourse. Is it really true Haidt or @8LanguageStud are stupid or implying what you asserted? That is the real key question? I don't know if its true and the impassioned language doesn't make it true it just creates a reaction which might keep folks from considering your view with openness. What are your thoughts? @Keyblade?

Good Ted talk, I agree with much of what he has to say. You might find this interesting. He may or may not be optimistic in his projections. However I suspect we are experiencing this very transition and consider the social applications and potential escalation of stress for those incapable of accelerated adaptation?

I find this interesting to contemplate. I'm a veteran, a disabled veteran at that. I really don't have a sense of patriotism in the entomological sense. I identify with the subset of Veterans. We all on some level identify with a subset. Family is a subset and can be blood or "adopted" "created" Tribe. Now I am not familiar with Haidt, so I can't comment directly upon the merits of his work. I personally would want to know him, cross reference him, really research in depth before I comments so I could so so with precision. However I found your post thought provoking. I found this thought provoking... My sums were all zero. 1. A its true. Just be kind and necessary when you say it. Its appropriate to be honest why do I need to be paid to be honest? 2. With consent, all the difference in the world I have learned of late. Its for a comedy skit why do I have to be paid to do it? 3. Each answer continues down the list the same. Money literally doesn't motivate me much, it never has. Even in sales when I was successful, like in Real Estate, it was from doing what was right. After eight years in the business I was one of the few agents with no ethical complaints on my license, something many of the highest producers couldn't say the same. So it seems the paradox is shifting a nationalistic for profit model system which is now self destructive and creating global imbalance into more global paradigm which facilitates equitable opportunity and distribution of existing resources and cares for the planet so we continue to exist and evolve as a species. By observation? That has to begin with the self. That is challenging to do within the existing system. The only way to transform that system might mean incurring discomfort. We seem to like to avoid discomfort and I am just of guilt of that as anyone else. I tmight mean doing things not for profit. If however his point is that a system goes through stages of evolution towards this ideal progression from "what is" to what "we wish was" I would have to revisit his model and the semantics within his model. It happens to fit with my topic of interest so thanks for sharing about his work I may do more research.

@Keyblade Viking - Tobias Hahah You know I was thinking about this very clip. Its so funny because I do this sometimes since its genetically accidental the Irish have perfected poetry and guilt into an art form. Ultimately in my heart of hearts I agree with Krishnamurti and more of a global community paradigm.

The 800 lb Elephant in my Head Space People Pleasing Here is how people pleasing is shifting in my life: I was taught Selfish = bad Its hard to give your self permission to be selfish if selfish = bad I was taught selfless = perfection Perfection was the minimal acceptable standard in my home growing up. I joke I was born a small adult; but I was an only child. It was true in so many ways. Fun? What's fun? Anything worth doing doing well or don't do it at all was the mantra in my home. No wonder I struggle with doing when it comes to creating? Then I learned there is no creation without imperfection. Stephen Hawking Really! Check him out. I realized I wanted male approval. I picked men who were impossible to please. Then I learned why it made sense I would select men impossible to please. This strategy of "I need a man/woman/job/event?" It never works. If only when I? Never arrives. Its the dangling carrot which keeps on sticking it too you. Nash's Equilibrium, the law of Governing Dynamics tells us this is a Zero Sum game. Self interest and then the interest of the group. A game played to conclusion players will cooperate/collaborate until it is no longer in their best interests to do so. Criticism: Criticism of my writing: I learned when I began putting work out there that my work was not neutral because it was authentic. I also learned reading was subjective. I could write A, someone read Z. Worse yet, since I post art and music with my work, they would like the image or the music, but never even read the piece. Some people, loved me or hated me. People read one poem, thought they knew me, read another, hated me. I had to re frame my thinking about public opinion. Now sometimes I cry, then I ask what is real and I get back on track. Other times I laugh. I see it for what it is. The more I practice the better it gets. Then I realized, I was writing about shifting social paradigms, emotional topics. I learned haters could be good for business. I learned "likes" had little value, but they were not in and of themselves of "value". If the source was an editor, a mentor, a person who's opinion had merit based upon direct experience I would then examine it. Sometimes I still retained my own style and thanked them for their input. Other times, I agreed with their advice and I brought this issue into my awareness and made small changes to shift the paradigm. Several times? I got self defeating and handled it horribly. Then I had to own my own bullshit and go apologize. I learned it worked out better than I feared it would. My mistakes really could be learning opportunities and not punishments. Occasionally I learned people I assumed I could look up, I could not. I got hurt. I had to remember that did not mean ALL people could not be trusted or wanted to hurt me. Currently? My emotional desire to care for others/support multiple efforts in the now moment writes checks my physical being cannot deliver consistently with my present infrastructure. I make mistakes, and most of them are in public. I find owning my mistakes despite my fear has resulted in better consequences than I fear. Its still challenging to do, its still scary. Its humiliating sometimes too. Owning my mistakes empowers me to not make them again. In my personal life? I am struggling to find the line between the private me and the public me. So I make my weekends for me and remember I do what I do for free. It okay to allow myself to take time off. I do not have to be there for others 24/7. After the media attention of my son and the public humiliation endured for years, that really felt like a public violation of my life. After what felt like a public break up ( an unpleasant feeling in and of itself) I'm not sure how much of my private me I want people to know in one sense now. I have issues posting celebrity things now because I know so much of it is not true. How do I do to others for success what was done to me when I know the harm it can cause? It appears successful people are subject to lack of privacy which is intrusive and I tend to think of that and pause wondering if fame and success is worth the platform it would give to effect change with a powerful story which opens me to ridicule at a core level? I don't assume some individuals will judge me, I know, based upon logic, many will. This is a huge fear. If your story is a success the more people to make fun of you. (Just look at the memes we create and laugh at today?) I now have challenges sharing that kind of content. It attracts viewers, but is it really true kind and necessary? I don't know? Can I write poem being unkind to someone I don't agreed with to be funny like I used to without being unkind to someone I don't know? Is it true? Being open about anything sexual as a female author opens you to much inappropriate contact by men. They are angry if you can't answer each one of them and think you are aloof when you are simply too busy to answer every email and still create. It's as though you become the archetype for every attractive intelligent woman that said no, and made them somehow feel less than." Then there are the men who are sexually inappropriate or sometimes even frightening. Its hard for me to own my full femininity in my work because I fear it makes me more of a target based upon my past direct experience. On the flip side, posting no sexual side of myself makes me appear like the ice princess versus the person protecting their private life and it also makes my work inauthentic in my core creative being. I'm not certain how to resolve this and still feel safe? Another fear? Re-harming others telling my story which means telling their story and asking ethically if those stories are mine to tell? How do I tell my story and not cause harm to anyone involved but get people to examine challenging interconnected social issues which impact each of us? I struggle with how I'm perceived by people who's opinion I cannot change. Mostly family. Mostly family who I never will be capable of pleasing regardless of what I do. Am I seeking the wrong people to please? I'm learning selfish coupled with effective interpersonal communication works better. I'm new at it so I still have "oops." Is my ideal image who I am or who I think others want me to be? This I could inquire more about. Where is the line between being one's authentic self and causing harm to others in doing so? It's not a linear process, so I find when I am working on this sometimes I go to the other extreme in an inappropriate way. Then I feel badly about me. I'm afraid I'm an asshole so I work really hard not to be one. I feel regret when I cause harm to others. I sacrifice my agendas for those of others. Now I am aware I have a challenge with "I want." So today I am focusing on figuring out what I want. Perhaps if I know what I want? Perhaps I will learn how to say no and care less about what other people think of the authentic me? Perhaps someone else can relate to some of these things and can share observations or perspectives that helped you over come people pleasing?

Good Morning Robert, Nice to meet you. What genre do you write? I have not read The Anatomy of a Story by John Truby. Thank you for the heads up about the book! Hahaha I rebel against "musts" "Be like water..." Master Bruce Lee My favorite word feature when writing poetry? Ignore rule.

Hi JJer94. Thank you for sharing your observations. I appreciate your engagement. Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that you should do one thing over another, when you've probably have been doing that most of your life, and it hasn't worked. This quote explains the phenomenon well: "Anytime you’re practicing renunciation, you’re deluded. How about that! You’re deluded. What are you renouncing? Anytime you renounce something, you are tied forever to the thing you renounce... The only way to get out of this is to see through it. Don’t renounce it, see through it. Understand its true value and you won’t need to renounce it; it will just drop from your hands." -Tony de Mello Don't try to convince yourself that social media or any of the things you think are 'distractions' are bad just because some people say they are. Instead, understand why you feel so drawn towards these distractions. What do you get from them? Go on Facebook and ask yourself that question. Be honest with yourself. Let yourself indulge, and then figure out why you feel so inclined to indulge. When you understand the magic trick for what it is, it won't be so exciting for you anymore. To be honest, what I get from them might sound odd to most folks. LOL I observe patterns. I find the serentypical pulse of the cosmic consciousness which lets me see my subtle positives and my more subconscious negatives. Its a looking glass of the light and the shadow. (My wee theory) Now we will just default to I'm a poet. There is a fine line between poetic genius and insanity. LOL I think I flirt with the line? That said, the social media has been "the should." Writing a book has become "the should." I suspect after more inquiry I'm seeking absolution for crimes I've perceived I've committed or been unjustly accused of committing and accepted as a part of the perpetual martyr thing. LOL So really you see a poet processing out loud. If I was going to go on social media, I would go onto Weare8. Its in beta and its more full of creative eclectic positive people. While there is not much interaction there is an environment that provokes feeling and that feeling leads to release and healing and creative inspiration. Even that is sometimes a trigger and so my therapist and I have actually agreed limiting social media use right now, as I prepare for EMDR, is optimal. Facebook is a trigger for me. I met my husband on Facebook. I lost friends, its not fun, its work. It still feels unjust and like another horrible thing happened and it was my circus and my monkeys in public. The other day if I had gone to Facebook when I was triggered, twitter when I was triggered, I t would have been worse; I would have focused on the negative and accused myself with it; my default. So when in shadow, one sees the shadow. (Again, my wee observation to date.) Its not enjoyable like in the past. Its managing cats while chasing sad rabbits. So frankly I've been working fourteen plus hours a day, going in circles. I'm not certain I agree with renunciation means delusion. To renounce use of opiates when one is an addict is healthy for example. I don't know if that is a "true" statement or not? No disrespect to Tony De Milo but I would have to do some meme muckery with that. Do we know that renunciation always is delusional? Do we really know that is true? I suspect it more true if we face our inauthentic issues we find our core issues? Once I identify that I am drawn to a distraction, then perhaps I can focus more on the core issue by eliminating distractions which only further distract from me finding the core issues versus an activity like this which forces me to more actively engage in that self inquiry with support and sound reality checks? I think I arrived at that point this morning. Rather than looking at negative media I did a creativity test and had more fun than I've had in awhile. I like sharing positive outcomes as well as negative struggles, I think that allows others to benefit as well. Thank you so much for your comment and I look forward to any response you may have.

Today my goal was simple. CHOOSE TO BE happy. Take personal responsibility for my OWN happiness. Learning to realize I do like something about me. To choose to do what I wanted to do, what would make ME happy versus what I felt like I should do. I have issues sleeping and my normal routine would be to get up at 3am and then get on social media and start promoting causes, curating content, signing petitions, encouraging others I see in need in my feeds, campaigning, in other words, doing doing, doing for others. I would beat myself up for not writing or being published, then add all the other things I have done "wrong" since the origins of birth; add all the negative things anyone unkind ever said to me, and finding myself guilty. I feel like a failure because I am not financially independent, or because I did this wrong, or that wrong.... Like get off the cross we need the wood? So today I began my day at 3 am taking a MOOC Class on daily creativity. I spent the rest of my day focused on the forum, self actualization videos, and stopped all the doing to just be and realign with what is versus thinking an imaginary end point is the be all and end all of happiness. When I do inquiry I begin to learn I am healthier than I assume, its normal to feel the way I do based upon my experiences but I don't have to remain stuck there. I began to refocus on strengths and learn to change weaknesses to strengths. I see what really matters are the people in my life in physical reality that care for me now, who support me now, and I can just be each day and base choices on my wants versus spinning from a space of need. Based upon my experience thus far today, I have been happy versus depressed even though I have faced interesting behaviors of mine which can be self defeating. I will be interested to observe if this continues. I watched the "How to Stop Judging Yourself" video by Leo and learned I had the issue of believing I was lazy, and a critical mother so becoming a people pleaser who must be selfless. My children still expect me to be the selfless mother or I am the horrible mother. (splitting) So I have learned why I don't allow myself to just be happy. All the rules I have about reality to be a perfect person. The source of the shame, I feel guilty all the time. I am going to do the exercise. All in all a good day thus far.

This is basic thing to understand I believe. I don't know how to answer this question, but I think that it's a very good place to start your own enquiry, SA or whatever. By trying to dissect this question you will actually need to look at your early life and see why you do things the way you do. Basically any question can become a star with these five rules (probably we can boil them down but we can always do it later): inward - think for myself aka I am my own judge and I don't give a fuck about Eckhart Tolle/<put any guru/person you are looking up to here> because his words are not designed to help me, he just spewing his opinions and he is in no way superior to me. I don't care about what any teacher say because it's my life and CLOCK IS TICKING radical fucking honesty! the only thing I have is mine awareness no matter where I am and what I will achieve - sights, sounds, smell, taste, thoughts, emotions, feelings spirit of a warrior - I can die doing this and so the fuck what, I am going to do this anyway no matter what until I will get sense of it all question all the rules! Now having that we can do simple example: "I have an iPhone. Ok. Why do I have an iPhone? (start of SA)" Now I could easily spent a few minutes/hours in order to answer this simple question, no matter how many influences in my decision I include and describe blah. I could go on to let's say my affluenza syndrome or something like that. I believe this is not important at all and totally missing the point of SA because you don't have enough energy in order to make this process effortless so to speak! As I'm fleshing this out for myself here, I come to this conclusion - the point is to find the question/concept/topic/thought/emotion in us we actually fear of losing (attachment), which is also currently present in our lives and which is genuinely pissing us (insight) off so we will be able to achieve leverage point where we will go fight or flight and say "fuck it, if I'm bullshiting myself here I'm going to consider the following": change put myself on the line put my relationship on the line quit my job go for the whale! commit suicide (why the hell live fake life where I'm spending 20 hours on thinking about stuff and not experiencing it?/I can die any moment, why not pull the trigger? etc.) live in supermarket dumpster and fight with rats for scraps (stolen from Mckenna ;)) say to my mother/father/brother/sister/spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/friend 1/friend 2/... what I honestly think about them telling people about what I think about myself send out message to every girl/men I tried to date how I manipulated her/him - for example used abundance in order to get them and don't care here about repercussions and our "safe zone" I can always come back to go to super dark forest at night after watching horror movie while knowing that awareness is mine, universe is doing stuff for me so it can show actual hologram of a demon which will try to kill me blah anything else which will release enough energy in order to make our fearful inner child to jump of the cliff and release the teller/imagined controlled entity which believes that exists IMPORTANT - you gotta consider these things seriously. That means like you would really decided to do them without actually doing them So some can be on paper (you can write down what you would say to your friends without sending letters) and some you can actually do (going into the dark forest or saying how you were inauthentic towards someone). What actually comes out of it is out of your control because we cannot know if we can control ourselves. This is going to make it more serious. And of course I don't want anyone to commit an actual suicide! It's just stuff for grown ups. Now as you probably see writing this stuff is very useful to me! It's also a form of spiritual autolysis. I needed to think about my own life and where I can make progress and improve processes I'm implementing. That's why I found recently that being on any forums and spewing out opinions in concise manner might be very helpful. On the other hand it probably won't be helpful to you because it's my perspective and yours is completely different (see the rules)! Edited 16 minutes ago by mkieblesz I have to say by direct observation and experience thus far, by doing that self inquiry on why I did certain things and formulated certain belief structures, I could as you say, see why I defaulted to certain behavior patterns. Basically any question can become a star with these five rules (probably we can boil them down but we can always do it later): inward - think for myself aka I am my own judge and I don't give a fuck about Eckhart Tolle/<put any guru/person you are looking up to here> because his words are not designed to help me, he just spewing his opinions and he is in no way superior to me. I don't care about what any teacher say because it's my life and CLOCK IS TICKING radical fucking honesty! the only thing I have is mine awareness no matter where I am and what I will achieve - sights, sounds, smell, taste, thoughts, emotions, feelings spirit of a warrior - I can die doing this and so the fuck what, I am going to do this anyway no matter what until I will get sense of it all question all the rules! I wholly concur with you there. So I did this over the weekend. I thought I am literally creating my own sit and spin tring to create some literary genius work for external validation to attain validation for pain which in fact I then have to admit is for punishment on some level of those I feel wronged me. So writing, which was fun and healing became work. It became stress which meant not healing, which meant failure. I really had some core things going on related to being taught: ordinary = bad Average = disappointing Mistakes are punished Objectification Wanting was being selfish and selfish was bad. Anything less than perfection is bad. So I can't just write for me; I have to be Proust or I'm a bad writer. Talk about setting oneself up for failure. I still actually have to laugh when I really see how silly it all is. If I died tomorrow who cares I don't have a book published or that I wasn't Proust? It won't matter to me, but here I am like its the only solution to happiness. Therein lies the issue. Literally LIES. I used to do this type of sharing on Facebook and it was for healing and then others resonated with it. Then it became interconnected with my ex and animation, Facebook became a part of the triggers versus now a place of refuge with friends. This forum has actually helped me more in the past two days than most of the social media I've been engaged in for the past six months with the exception of one platform which just forces you to feel. That platform however is not interactive so I don't get feedback and there is not engagement so it serves a different function. Now that last thing you said? I don't get. I over personalize so I always try to put myself in the shoes of the other individual. I suspect however the flaw in my thinking is that I have also brought my compassion and empathy to the equation as assumptive which may wholly be lacking in the other individual. That's a boundary issue and not learning healthy boundaries due to early child hood sexual abuse. I do however find the views of others helpful which is why I like interactive threads like this versus just only expository journalism or poetry. I don't like to talk or write at as much as I like to interact with, thus learning becomes cooperative by sharing our experience and observations. So no, I don't see that in the rules equation but perhaps that means I am questioning the rules?LOL

Hello to all of you guys! I can provide some help to this forum and motivate myself into taking more action in my own life by doing that as well. I struggled to understand what spiritual autolysis is and couldn't wrap my head around this concept at all. I tried to do it but it was just as you guys described. As I progress my opinion will probably change but this is what I see now. Full clarity came after watching Leo Pickup Rant video. This is actually why I'm here in the first place. Yes, I was PUA with success and hopes to be successful in it as well in anything else. After I understood how inauthentic I was with my desires towards women I just bursted open. I had emotional breakdown which last to this day, though since a few days I see myself falling back to old ways with new understanding and permanent changes in my way of thinking and seeing things. This is simple conclusion I came to: you can't do spiritual autolysis without spending your discontent. Dissecting sentences to see all premises and falsify them etc. is a joke. This will never get you anywhere. You will be just spinning your wheels like meditation does for many. What's important is to find that one question, which will expose your inauthenticity in actions you are going to do/did/are doing. Basically what occupies your awareness most of the time. For me it was growth, business, dating and relationships, friends, family, travelling, masculinity, spirituality, hobbies and more and more. Now I had very specific goals for each of those and I was attaining them consistently. I'm moving forward, upward spiral etc etc and it's is all good, until this moment. Until the moment where I realize that I was bullshiting myself for the reason why I want to do those things. This is really PAINFUL. It's like spotting your spouse cheating, although I never was cheated on but can imagine. You see it very clearly. Sooooo many hours wasted watching videos, going to clubs, working on stuff to actualize, build business, calendars, The Secret Weapon, plans, scheduled dates, dreams etc. And why? <place for your spiritual autolysis > SA is a way to expose this inauthentic behavior, not only in us but in EVERYONE. Every person you look up to, including beloved gurus. You destroy them. Totally break up with them until you feel alone. Until you see reality of things - that the only thing we really have is your awareness. The only thing. No matter where you will be, no matter how many people you will meet, not matter how greatly you will self-actualize the only thing you will have is your awareness. And everything is UTTERLY POINTLESS. You do that until you will see that what you wrote seems obvious. You will notice that you are much more present and acting totally different. For me I stopped noticing differences between people and they all seemed ignorant etc. And now I see different perspective and a lot of what I wrote, even if I still agree with it, is totally over the line. Now my perspective is richer and the question becomes obsolete. Now I move on and waiting for the next pile of shit to appear and will do the same thing, the same thing on and on until I am done. I don't believe it will lead to my enlightenment but to simply happy life - Spiritual Adulthood as Mckenna say it. IMPORTANT NOTE: I believe in order to do SA properly you need to have very sophisticated intellectual framework because otherwise you won't find out what question to ask and how to make it obsolete. You need to exert so amount of energy that your life can go to ruin. You need to put yourself into situations seriously like being homeless, going to india, committing suicide etc. That type of thinking cuts through layers of delusion deeper so you can remove them faster. I also encourage to read Spiritually Incorrect where this process is more exposed (I read that few days ago). Edited 16 minutes ago by mkieblesz As a poet I have to agree. Most of the authentic work I do is just that, writing about my in-authenticity. It IS painful to be mindful, aware, flowing as one within the Universal flow and then "Whack" here's a nasty little mirror image of your intentions that are impure. "Ouch", small ego death. That said, that pain seems much easier to cope with than the avoidance of it. I have found my social media sites are like a glaring mirror for those very inauthenticities in addition to my writing. Every writer always knows you are writing to you as much as you may think you are writing to someone else so read backwards. LOL It actually hit me this weekend...why am I doing all this? Why am I building this virtual reality sit and spin life when I could be having fun, creating in my real life space. Where did I lose me? When did my inner toddler start ruling my adult? I had to examine some unpleasant truths, but now I can choose to bring those into my awareness and work to correct them. Today I was able to radically change my behavior. When I woke up at three rather than going to social media I went to Coursera and the creativity class. I wrote. I went back to sleep. Than I came here rather than going to social media. I may read a book, I may write, I may ignore social media all day today. To whom do I owe what, when and and why? I really agree it does seem to feel like a growing up process. Perhaps trauma gets us stuck in a early development cognition pattern? Any thoughts?

After the Life has no purpose, no goals video? I personally find the nothing is real, there is no purpose...very depressing. That very thing is such a sticking point for me due to being intelligent and not framing reality within the "normal spectrum." Sometimes I can be in the mood for OSHO,in the wrong space? He will really just make me angry and depressed. I endured all that (whatever) for nothing? No reason? I have no purpose? Nothing is real? That means I must not be real, that means I must not exist or have purpose which makes me nothing. The pain is so great nothing is real, there is no point, I might as well just...insert impulsive behavior, self defeating conduct, suicidal ideology here/ See how a depressed person can run with that @harsh29? I'd be interested in your thoughts or direct experience with this.

I am kind of new at posting in forums. I see many copying and pasting specific comments but I think the thread is awesome so I am just going to address the thread as a whole after reading all the subsequent comments. I want to open with a thank you to those who commented back while I was triggered. I would also like to encourage anyone who may read this later? I used DBT skills and the "wishing I didn't exist" feeling passed. I had a really positive and fun weekend. That is why you don't make a temporary decision based upon a momentary emotion. So if you want to die, remember it will pass and you can choose to live to laugh another day. Here is an example of just that in authentic real time. What I appreciated about your comment Leo, was the gentle approach part. Ironically I was triggered by someone who had actually taken a baseball bat to my noggin with an observation which I was already aware of. What I've been learning in therapy is that I, Kelley, revert to certain situations by "getting small". "Alice" shrinks. Kelley engages in some self defeating self talk, or out of a negative space, self harms by a self defeating outburst of emotional negativity which creates more chaos and becomes more evidence I use to berate myself. (Much of this can be self conscious, some of it can be passive aggressive due to what works in the abuse situation no longer works in the healthier dynamic. ) You have to hear you do something passive aggressive so you stop, its self defeating and biting you in the butt. Its easier to hear with love and care, support, versus, being thumped over the head with it. I personally need the gentle approach. I need, this happened to you, this is why you do "this," now you understand it you can forgive yourself and take small steps towards changing the behavior by practicing mindfulness and breaking the old patterns. Otherwise I just get stuck in the I am an awful human being I don't deserve mentality. The victim mentality versus the thriver mentality. I may have the "be small", learned helplessness response, but if I do inquiry, if I redirect focus, if I remember to breathe, all those things that in the depressed moment you just seem incapable of? I can become "tall" again, retain clarity, own my crap so to speak, and revisit with Tall Alice, mature Kelley who is proactive versus reactive. I personally detach, I actually go through much of my life observing myself and others as if I am outside of myself. I think this may be related to hyper vigilance due to life long trauma. I find asking what is real? It has literally shifted my internal paradigm. I have observed by direct experience, my pain is sometimes related to statements which are false beliefs. Its new, so I am still in the habituating the practice phase. I need reality checks sometimes. So let me revisit just one example in my original post about being triggered and wishing I did not exist. I could do inquiry and ask what is real related to my husband? My husband has a disease which makes us living with one another unhealthy for either of us. My husband may not want to be found or give me a divorce, but I can meet with an advocate and get help with how to work around that. So if I begin to ask what is real? I focus on solutions, steps, what is and how I can cope with what is and either accept it, or change what I can change. I can accept responsibility for wanting to believe so badly, I dismissed and explained away what should have been red flags. I can see my culpability in allowing certain things to continue and do so forgiving myself by understanding the underlying why. I can see the positive in that I grew, I learned, I now can see things I could not see a couple of years ago without this experience. I essentially empower myself. So perhaps in the moment the self inquiry doesn't help, but I find it too is a process and when I can get to the self inquiry head space it will work and I can find the turn arounds to make progress. Two years ago I could not have been this transparent or have recovered so quickly from such a blunt trigger. This individual literally reminded me of my husband. I cried, I got small, I kicked into my default self-loathing and shame. I then wrote the post I shared earlier being honest about being triggered. Sarah's response let me know, "you are not alone."Neill's response let me know, "you are not alone." So I gave myself permission to feel what I was feeling and sit with it. I laid down and rested. Then I researched Post Traumatic growth and learned that after trauma a gentle approach was best with someone such as myself just coming to grips with the trauma I had experienced. I then was able to send that person a letter and say, "Hey, I know this might have worked for you with some folks, but I don't suggest this with everyone; here's why." I could also acknowledge that while I did not like his style I did have to acknowledge some of his observations were valid. In the past something like this might have spiraled me for weeks. I resolved it in a couple of hours. That is measurable progress. I don't feel I defaulted to passive aggressive behavior, instead I took ownership and also held my own ground and gave back what I felt was not my issue but his issue. His business versus my business. If I can do that? Anyone can learn to do that with the right hand holding and tools. Its a disease. An unkind, isolating, mean disease with no crutches or wheel chair. You can appear high functioning one minute and be wholly incapable the next. It's not by my experience a linear process. Many depressed people cannot afford services, and that is where folks such as yourself come in Leo. I tend to be very intellectual (no? LOL) I am also desperate to get better, so I am motivated. I want a life. I have listened to and benefited from your videos, as well as those of other life coaches. The Affordable Care Act does offer folks mental health, The VA offers mental health, and there are tons of great resources out there. I have been so blessed to surround myself online with very creative people, mental health professionals and others who have provided me with support and tools. Its been a journey and I have no idea where that journey will end. I can say I gain more mastery each day as I am aware and embrace rather than fight with what is. That said, I find I have to balance that with a certain amount of positive intention. I'm not wholly convinced of the whole law of attraction concept yet...but I do observe that our thinking creates our reality. Unfortunately some of us just have to unlearn and relearn new skills and habituate them and that takes time. What an awesome thread. Really good comments and observations here that I appreciate. Thank you so much everyone and thank you for the forum. I've learned a ton already and I love the daily self actualization journal feature. It gives you accountability with your goal setting.

The C-PTSD field is quite new. Its not in the DSM but I find it valid and the research indicating more and more its a valid diagnosis I suspect will be in latter editions of the DSM. Panic attacks are essentially what? I go into a state of flight, fright, freeze, or fawn due to being triggered by something; an event, an item, a phrase, whatever. Part of the response is conditioned, part of the response is chemical, particularly if the individual has suffered back to back traumas or life long trauma. There is also a difference between an panic attack and an emotional flashback. Panic attacks generally have a visual component; a way you can correlate the reaction to a trigger, causation. An emotional flashback? You can be a C-PTSD sufferer, just begin to feel an overwhelming emotional state, and have no real clue why that state is overcoming you and so suddenly and perhaps greatly impairing your ability to function. This can be so complex, that one can be triggered by a color, a scent, even self talk. It tends to be outside of your awareness.; why it becomes complex. I agree with Pgchollet that the average individual can throw around these terms without being familiar with all the diagnostic criteria in the DSM current edition. This can lead to a stigma when the label becomes attributed to being challenging to treat. For some to focus on the label means being the sum of the label and accepting a limitation. Mental health labels are really more clinical, they are created to describe a specific spectrum of behaviors to assisted licensed professionals with diagnostic criteria which is standardized based upon norms which are in and of themselves in flux and culturally as well as socially in flux. Perhaps why the DSM itself morphs with science and data collection over time. As a patient I look at a diagnosis as a jumping off point for understanding the causation behind an observed behavioral pattern of conduct manifested over a protracted time which is outside the spectrum considered normal. Attributing value or devaluation based upon where one falls on the spectrum of abnormal behavior appears to be related to coexistence; do what thou wilt but cause no harm. I think this is the space where you make corrections and try to find healing to achieve wholeness, whatever wholeness is for you in that now moment in time. PTSD world? By observation? I would agree. That said? I'm a wee poet. I base my theory on research and my direct experiences, observing social patterns as well as patterns in nature and patterns in self, others; but I also have C-PTSD so my lenses might be skewed and I try to keep that in mind. I do however observe that with war, crime, economic struggles, the proliferation of information and the acceleration of technological development; a looming Singularity of exponential growth with a zero point of history as reality changes radically daily ? The escalation of reactivity and maladaptive coping skills like splitting, manifesting in the larger culture to me seem indicative of a PTSD world. Or I might just be a wee poet with a good theory. I surmise time will tell. but my intuition is going with the PTSD world observation. What a great thread!

Good Morning Cookiesliyr, thank you for your observation and comment. I appreciate it because you are pointing out something critical, why lists are unique to the individual. I think goals are personal since each of us have different overall goals and styles for accomplishing goals as well as skill sets and capabilities and raw talents. (Or practiced talents.) For me the above set of goals may be comfortably attainable within a day while for someone else this might be too many goals to focus on. The goals help me with time management which facilitates multi-tasking. I tend to have a brain that wakes up on and remains on for about fourteen hours a day. If I don't give myself, as a creative, a broad focus to work with I can end up being very hyper critical of self or bored and internalizing negative self talk. Goals tend to be subjective to the individual. So let's look at my list and I'll show you my process or reasoning. Breathe: I have to agree by observation most of us stop breathing. We start taking this reflexive act for granted and panic, fear, stress, all of these things work against us in learning to breathe fully, daily. Yoga, many spiritual practices start with breathing. Now we have science we are aware that breathing and specific breathing exercises reset cognition and help calm the body; releasing all the negative "junk" we acquire." With Post traumatic stress one of the first things that kicks in flight, fright, fawn, or freeze, (the four major responses to an emotional trigger) if I remind myself, breathe, I literally have the opportunity to pause, the breath and then cognition can kick in. I can begin inquiry about the trigger detaching to examine with clarity to diffuse the emotional state and take a corrective action and avoid a nasty spiral down the rabbit whole, depressed. So this is a good reminder to have on my list since I can use my list as a tool for focus. In the Flow: If I accept that by observation everything appears to happen for a reason and if I am in the flow of what is, versus what should be, I can accept my imperfections while still having goals. I give myself permission to not necessarily have to meet all the goals I set; I just want to keep the goals in mind as I progress throughout the day. This is a reminder for mindset and self forgiveness if for some reason life happens and one or more of my daily goals goes unmet. I might also have an oops and get triggered, forget to breathe, go down the rabbit whole and have to retrieve myself from a rabbit hole of my own chasing by practicing DBT skills. So this one just gives me permission to remember life happens and I might not meet a goal that's okay as well. Write more on Science fiction book Create more concrete marketing plan Work more on content creation/editing current content How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. As a writer, I write every day. To progress on a novel one must work on it every day; especially the first draft. You just write what comes; edit later. So these are actual concrete tasks I have set out too accomplish. Setting aside an hour to three hours to write each day is not only a great goal for me, it allows me to multi-task and accomplish successive approximations towards the long term goal of finish and publish a book. An Author also has to now market themselves to have presence. This means I generally also post a daily newspaper, (automated freeware) I just got a blog up and going,(freeware) and I post to multiple social media platforms daily. I have to have unique or interesting curated and original content for all of those sources. Since I am in a growth phase, the posting without a plan thing was successful while I was small. Now that I am growing I have to select a focus for branding as well as find animated tools with freeware to free my time for its highest and best use; interaction, research, and writing. If I just thought about a plan or created a list and worked on that task for an hour? I would have forward progress. Eventually I build on that progress, habituate the actions and it becomes routine so I can create new goals and manifest new outcomes. Small daily successive approximations towards lasting change. By taking the time to think about this Friday, I was able to have a plan I could begin to implement which took something overwhelming and made it feel more manageable. The same is true for the latter, I have to create new and original content for the social media sites to mix into the curated content. This is more of my poetry flow state writing where I select and emotion, Listen to music, and in a trance sort of state I write poems. The majority of my poems, even the more complex ones take less than two hours to write, many only minutes, they free flow from places of contemplation and synthesis. This is usually a synergistic process so the music and the artwork usually all comes at once synchronistically. I can also create memes, find quotes, again this task can be allotted whatever time I like and I still by doing it each day build on the success and have forward momentum. Eating - I get hyperfocused, so setting reminders to eat ensures I take breaks and eat. Otherwise I can end up forgetting to eat. This is a must remember to do that I have to put on my list or I literally can forget to do it. Not feel guilty for taking the weekends for myself Right now I work very hard doing the week, so I take weekends for me to recharge; its my private time. I can feel guilty like I am not working therefore I am letting others down. This allows me to remember I have to take care of me to have the fuel to give to others during the week. Trust My voice and choices Own my voice and choices Take better control of my emotions (feelings are not facts) Learn to let go of the past and negative self defeating self talk. These goals are mental health management items. When I find myself defaulting to a self defeating behavior, or negative self talk, I can break the pattern by returning to the list and reminding myself to process and do inquiry. This for me is not a to do list. My to do list? That's really hectic. The difference? I prioritize that list with a personal system I use and anything left undone just shifts to the next days priority to do list. I began using this practice when I worked in Real Estate which is a very negotiation and time sensitive contractual process with multiple contracts in play which must be handled with precision. I had to essentially list, manage, market, and sell properties which also meant working 14 plus hour days 24/7 and multi tasking effectively. For me efficiency is an organization problem. To accomplish multi tasking I try to find freeware that can do things and create an organized infrastructure so I can create more overall volume of activity with less, more efficient resources. Again a process not a destination and not a linear process at that. For me? This is doable if I retain focus. If I don't? I give myself permission to be imperfect. For me this list works. For you? Your list might be one thing you really want to focus on. So I would encourage you to just find your own comfort zone and do what you feel is best for you. Thank you so much for your insights and a thought provoking comment.

Good Morning Ryako, Nice to meet you. Thank you. I learned to make lists early on in life. I think its a good way to establish goals and have a focus point to return too. I think lists are invaluable in process as well as in determining where you are in the process; perhaps if you need to shift or adjust process based upon goals versus outcomes.

Good Morning Neill, thank you That is very kind of you. They served as positive reminders for the day which proved helpful later in the day when I was emotionally triggered.

I am working with an EMDR specialist, another counselor and then seeing a different doc in the next week or so. I guess I have not had much success in the past; it becomes challenging to have hope.

I'm going to be 100% honest. I'm a bit triggered and trying to cope with this so perhaps we can all see how this works...I'll leap. 1. If I heard I had cancer, I think I would feel relieved; less of a burden, like the pain would be over. (yes I am under the care of professionals and no I am not suicidal, I just get that depressed but I am aware it is not an option. Just to be very clear. I find you start being honest it can leave room for misunderstanding if you are not clear.) Now. I will preface this with, I am one of the oh 5% of folks that don't seem to do well on meds, can do all the breathing and mental gymnastics I like, and I am still in profound emotional pain. Trauma happened; for some of us non stop. Life "proved" to us, nothing about this place is safe. I can breathe all I like, my son is still going to be in prison, and I have to live with that unpleasant and very painful reality daily. What is... is painful. A girl is dead, her family is in pain and lives with that. I live with that as well. That is painful. Its reality. I can breathe all I like, my husband will still be an alcoholic; perhaps in recovery, perhaps not, A PUA guy that chose to use his NLP on the naive geek girl who would appreciate the attention I suppose in hindsight. I still have a restraining order after trying to avoid getting one every step of the way; I still love the guy even though I know intellectually I fell in love with an illusion. I know its utterly retarded. One minute I see clearly what was real, the next I am blaming myself and thinking it, along with everything else in the world is all my fault and I am the worst human on the planet. That's painful. So I'm sitting here, and I'm breathing, but its painful, and its been painful for years. I can be aware its a conditioned response. I can ask is this real? I'm still sitting here incapable of focusing, crying, despondent, little to anything with any consistency is "fun". Fun? Foreign word the past eight months. Learning to have what everyone else calls fun? Work. Exhausting. Humiliating. Tonight when I go out for the Friday evening I socialize, I fake it every step of the way, I'm exhausted after two hours. I am happy to get to my friends home where I can rest for the remainder of the weekend. When I'm home I work 14 hours plus a day at my writing hobby...I say hobby because what is real is I don't make a profit. You know you look like this two year old, as you are utterly frozen and just can't do something, or just react and shut down. The littlest things and I can be caught wholly by surprise and just shut down. I literally cannot make myself function the way someone else would. So here I am, I appear intelligent, articulate, can be doing quite well, then all of a sudden a trigger either known or unknown comes a long and wham! People are obviously looking at me like wtf is wrong with this woman? She just turned into a two year old. Meanwhile I am trying to breathe and wishing the ground would open up and swallow me. I don't feel like an adult. Most of my adult life everyone has told me what to do. Men, kids, therapists, bosses, ask me to tell you what I want? I can't even pick a restaurant. That's painful to get smacked with that realization. (Which I was again in a louder way today since my own musings on the matter don't appear to be suiting the Universe's time table.) So perhaps you guys can help me brainstorm or redirect my focus without offering me the pull my self up by the boot straps thing, which clearly if I could I would have. Pain isn't fun. Perhaps you can figure out how to help my inner toddler stop ruining my life?

MaydayB4, WOW! Awesome tangible tools Thank you so much. I am going to try these.