Kelley White

Good Morning @uriel india. I had an issue with smoking cigarettes and I quit several months ago. I actually quit during a very stressful time of my life. I don't know if this will work for you or not. I found when I really realized I was doing something harmful to me as a reaction to stress? It seemed illogical. Then I just focused on how smoking a cigarette made me feel. Once I brought into my awareness how I felt as I smoked? Even though ti was something I thought I enjoyed I realized I did not like the taste, I could feel my muscles stiffen, my blood sugar drop. I would crave sugar or caffeine. Then I noticed it actually made me feel ill. I eventually quit when I had a cold and lost the desire altogether. Now I just remind myself when I get that craving I can just say, "oh, that is a random thought, interesting, I haven't craved one for awhile. What's that about?" Then I let it go and do something else. Marijuana, that is an individual preference and each person has to do what they feel best. I know folks who are not productive when they smoke. Myself, I am productive when I smoke. I have a medical card, I'm under the care of a doctor, I stick to a specific dosing. It works better for me then anti-depressants without the side effects. It also helps me eat, since most of the time eating is not even a priority for me. For you? It might be an issue and you might want to address it. Have you spoken to a few doctors, done any research? You might do that. Have you observed a difference in your behavior for the worse when you smoke versus the better? I remain open; I talk to my doctors. If some day I get to a place I no longer seem to need medicine of some sort, we can take steps to go there. Like you, I don't seem to be at that place yet, So I can either beat myself up or accept where I'm at. That is huge! You made a personal commitment and you stuck to it. Even though you feel like you are not "there", (where is there by the way?) how does that feel to be meditating and keeping that commitment to you? As far as self actualization? Self actualization is a life long process. Its an internal evolution if you will. Its not, by my observation, a linear process. You are here. That is the biggest step, getting to a space where you can be authentic and do the inquiry for you to arrive at the best answers for you. I wish you the best of luck and support while working through this.

The awkward moment you do self inquiry and realize you were doing more "right" than you gave yourself credit for..... The two edged sword of living within the meditative state. You can live within the meditative state? Yes. If someone tells you its all bliss? They are full of shit. Run Forest Run! If you've suffered severe trauma(s) you might live in a hyper vigilant state. You might be hyper aware. Awareness might not be your problem. Content focus might be your problem. I suspect by observation for the past few months content focus or lack of focus is more than likely my issue. (Example, as a violent crime victim and a former officer/trained soldier I am hyper aware in public settings to include using proximics. (Body placement, spacial awareness.) I am hyper focused on exit points and walls for safety, who is near me and why. The issue? My focus is built on a belief that public and people = harm; a paradigm reinforced by law enforcement experiences and other direct experiences in my life. Is this always true? No. I have functioned from within a meditative state, but my focus revealed subconscious paradoxes and creative realities both positive and negative which were subsequently manifested in reality as a result of my focus. Thus my observation became once I functioned from a meditative state, if I was focused upon fear, I saw fear in every pattern I observed. I, the observer, created the effect. In turn, if my focus was love, releasing all other content, the pattern I observed was love. I, the observer, created the effect. The second thing which came to me this morning, I am trained to observe and report. Since my youth I have been, due to disassociation, detached; observing, synthesizing and reporting through a creative emotive medium; mostly poetry. This was a skill later honed as an officer and private investigator. It was our job to observe and report and the quality of our observation and reporting impacted the outcome of justice. Its considered arrogant by some to say you are smart. I'm smart. I spend most of my time observing, meditating and sometimes I lose focus and chase the wrong rabbits/content. That can be an emotional roller coaster. When you are smart, lots of things interest you. You are curious. So you chase all content about one topic so you can see every-man's position. Perhaps the reason I can think of at least six impossible things before breakfast is I am willing to listen all day and observe the patterns the universe is sending me and then mediate upon what the focus of the message is? I am happy when I see my kind attributes; I am sad or ashamed when I see my own hypocrisy and that is when I know this is the area I have to focus on content filtering and correct my own internal course. Embrace the lesson take corrective action. Sometimes I forget and I punish myself. I will do this until I become aware, and then I can shift focus back to correction so the pattern is broken. I have expanded both my framework of understanding and my scope of listening beyond and do so every day. (No alien emoticon available) I want to know what makes this apparent plane of reality tick.? How does this reality fit into other realities? That's just how my brain ticks naturally. Its my creative idea of fun. (Again, no alien emoticon available) Thinking about space, and time travel, and stories; researching sciences and philosophy,so many interesting topics so little time. Focus can become challenging when it comes to completion; especially when you are genuinely interested in chasing so many different rabbits. Perhaps all those rabbits end up weaving into a more interesting story? (Again, no alien emoticon available) I believe stories can change the world. They have. Just think of stories that have impacted your life? Stories require vision, research, work, imagining; they are in one sense the ultimate meditative indulgence. That awkward moment you find out you may be wiser than you credit yourself for, you just have to focus your lenses better.

Good evening @DanoDMano ! Now I must confess that smelling roses is relevant. In the summer, I garden and tend and dry my roses for soaps and medicines. I am however the girl that can immerse herself in hours of research and think about multiverses and futurism, all kinds of things and its fun. For me the "what is real" question I like to take to the next level, the physics level. I'm interested in exponential social change, string theory, what the future will look like. I am very interested in Pearce and abolitionism. I have a mentor that nicknamed me a Cray mainframe. Its a party in here. "Why I can think of at least Six impossible things before breakfast. " Lewis Carroll.

It wasn't before. It might be now! @Leo Gura

@Ryan_047 Sleep is good. If you get 8 hours your brain rewires itself. If you don't sleep so well it can't do its job. Sleep is good. Moms usually worry more if they don't know. Medicine for bad illness is different then medicine for awhile to help your brain chemistry. So maybe think about that and see if you feel differently tomorrow? I am sorry to hear about your grandfather, when we use medicine the wrong way? Yeah it can hurt us. I regret that you experienced that. Good for you. I'm going to start Leo's video over, so I don't cheat, and virtual hugs are always good. Hugs back and thank you. You get some rest.

Leo's Mediation Link http://www.actualized.org/articles/mindfulness-meditation

Hi @Ryan_047 so it sounds to me like you have some reasons to feel the way you do. Dad's sick Money awareness Exams Probably Mom is stressed as well? You are 15. That's what moms and dads do. They care about their 15 year old. Adults also get busy and caught up in adult stuff. Medicine for the short term might be very helpful. It might be something you need. That is a decision your parents should make and you might want to rethink talking to them so they can help you. I bet they would like to help you if they knew. I don't know, I might be wrong, I don't know them. Maybe going to the doctor and letting the doctor decide is good? Why would your parents think you were going crazy if they caught you meditating? What do you do when you are mediating? You known some folks think you have to do lots of special things to meditate. That's not been my experience. You have a computer...do you have headphones? Youtube meditation music and you look like any other teenager with headphones plugged in listening to your music. The internet can be a great support system. Someone is there 24/7. Technology rocks! Secret? I'm right there with you? The fun thing? Its work at first. Now I could lie to you and say oh, this learning to have fun thing is going to be all fun? Its not. Sometimes you have to start by doing something uncomfortable. Frustrated. Frustrated is good. You identified the emotion. You are frustrated with feeling the way you feel. Good! Want to scream? Scream into your pillow in your bedroom if you can. Go into the woods or somewhere where you can scream and scream. Violent? Injustice and rage can get you there rarely, its what you do with it. I used to buy my kids used or broken dishes from thrifts stores and let them throw them or wear goggles and smash them with a hammer. (You have to clean up after yourself though. LOL ) Punch your bed. Get the energy out in a way you get to feel better but you don't hurt your self or someone else. Take one thing you don't feel like doing and make yourself do it. Don't judge the feelings that arise, just commit to do it. If you start and you don't get all the way through or have fun, give yourself permission to say "that's okay" and give yourself credit for doing it anyway. That's huge. Its more than many will do in a lifetime. Other than that? How about this? I am going to post this link to Leo's Mediation Tips and Techniques? You listen to it. I will leave the forum and I will listen to it and do it with you even though I can't be there with you. Then when you feel this way, you can come back here and listen to Leo's mediation video and meditate. Sound like one good first step you can take with me?

I think when it comes to multiple partners the courtship, the decisions...they are all made transparently as a group with consent and renegotiation every step of the way. It requires excellent communication skills. I don't think I can own another, or that another can own me. I can give them the gift of me, I can accept the gift of them. The "mine" thing? Looking at the divorce rate? It just doesn't seem to work. I don't know if this will work either? But so far? I love each person in that relationship even if its not sexual love.

I think some men might view it that way. Interestingly enough, you never know they dynamics which may lead to such a relationship. Its not about ego, its about consent. Its about being independent so you have a wholeness to offer the larger group. Its interdependence versus co-dependence. Multiple partners might equate to feeling very responsible to remain worthy of their time and attention by avoiding that very notion. Its not about sex, its about relationship. The ego equates multiple women to sex. Aren't I special? My observation. The spirit looks at multiple partners period and now you must be like water and work with one another. How can I be of service to those I love and in doing so, my needs are met as well? Just some thoughts. I'm not advocating for it or against it, just pointing out its often portrayed this way but its not actually that way in all dynamics.

@Ayla Right there with you. Thank you. Frankly I wholly lacked the courage to bring this one up! Its been teaching me I'm not a jealous person, I've been learning to communicate and I've had to get over tons of fears and conditioning about love and relationships. I've thus far found it healing. Its actually facilitated my self actualization. They told me, stop doing. Just be for awhile. Create a life in reality. They support me in taking Leo's course and doing this because they genuinely want to see me come into my full potential. I have to say its for me the most loving paradigm I've experienced. Not at all what I had feared, or expected. My dynamics are different, but I am not going to out my family so to speak without their consent. Thank you for posting this. Really helps me with feeling like I have to hide apart of myself.

You're welcome @Keyblade Viking - Tobias, Thank you. I am glad you liked it and I have enjoyed getting to know everyone and learning from both you and @8LanguageStud

You might find these studies helpful in making an educated decision based upon science. http://cannajournal.com/2014/01/16/cannabis-for-treating-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/

@Egdis Thank you for your question. I am a disabled veteran and and I have PTSD and fybro. I was on meds for years, they did not work. I have a medical cannabis license and use it under a Doctors supervision. My awareness as a former opiate addict is that even though this is a healing plant it can be abused. Thus I use dosing and I don't exceed a certain usage per month. I treat it like medicine. In turn the benefit is it opens my ability to feel. It helps me focus and be creative, it alleviates much of the panic and anxiety. Under normal circumstances in my life it alone with proper diet and mindfulness has proven successful. I struggle sometimes with being okay with this. Its unorthodox in approach for may. For me, what worked mattered. Not what others thought. I want wellness and that is different for each person. I had an ex with a cocaine issue. Its a challenging addiction to deal with. Your brain depletes your dopamine system making it challenging to ever achieve those same euphoric states without the drug. You crash several days after, nasty depression in that valley there. The paranoia? My observation is that is a mindset. If I am in a negative head space I am more likely to stray that way. Being aware? Don't do anything impulsive becomes my mantra. (Sometimes I fail. I try to own it right away when I see it.) Get a reality check. Stay away from social media or subjective mediums until you correct your head space or take time outs. So if you are in a place where marijuana is legal and you can do this under the care of a doctor it might be a good option for you. If it is good for you, go for it. Do what works. Its better than killing yourself with something that you already know doesn't work. Maybe someday, we get to a place we don't need to go there. That would be ideal. But for now, I say accept what is and what works.

@Amplituda Hi. No, a thank you is a gift, not a necessity. Agree with line one I disagree with all this leaves little room for me. The above is processing. Its what writers do. I simply transparently share it here for two reasons; Accountability which makes me more focused and consistent Helping others. By doing all three I figure out who I am and find out who I am just as much as when I sit in quiet, or I write poems or create art, or engage in any other healing activity. So I don't find your last observation wholly accurate related to me personally. This, I am aware of. I love physics, I love time travel, so I study time, light, astro mechanics, numerous topics and meditations, writings, which led me to arrive at this same conclusion. (At least until we have new science which may or may not continue to validate it) Now the last, I do believe that was the conclusion I came to above and articulated above. LOL So I am scratching my head trying to understand Sometimes? Its breathe, cry, live, breathe, smile, breathe cry, breath cry, breath smile live. Sometimes its some other pattern. I don't agree answers just come to us. If they did, folks like Leo wouldn't work years to create a course which meant reading materials and watching lectures and learning for hours. Leo obviously breathed and did some hard work. Leo obviously had days he did not do much more than breathe, or maybe breathe and cry and live. I don't know, I'm just going by some very authentic videos where he shares his struggles. I have had more clarity doing this for the past three days than in the past two and a half years. So here? I can't agree with you about it won't work, its working. Perhaps it wouldn't work for you? That's okay. For me? I'm going to listen to Leo, do the course, keep doing what is working. Thank you so much for your kind words about my son. I am so proud of the man he has become today. He is in an honors unit, he fund raises with other inmates for charities in the community, he studies and now he teaches me things all the time. I get to skype with him, I get a picnic once a year, so I feel very fortunate compared to many inmate families I know. I don't get as much as I would like, but I'm thankful for the time we do get. I love him, he's my baby boy. I know he loves me. I'm thankful he's alive. Very kind of you to take an interest and very healing. Thank you.

Hi @Ryan_047, its nice to meet you. I open with thank you for your long message. I like long messages. Thank you for so clearly expressing how you are feeling. For anyone else who might read this thread lets let them know what we are talking about when we say "Anhedonia". https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anhedonia I can really appreciate what you are talking about here. You don't feel depressed like you used to, but on some level you can't focus so well, nothing seems fun? Am I hearing you correctly here? I am sorry you don't feel you can talk to your parents, i think many teens feel that way all around the world. Is it true your parents really won't understand or be able to help? Is this your fear? (I don't know....I'm asking. You can just know the answer, you don't have to share it with me if you don't want to.) I'm sorry about the lack of mental health resources. I've been there as well. It can feel bad. ..kind of hopeless. What's awesome is you are here! You are still saying, "I can get tools and do this." Sounds to me like you are a fighter! I like fighters! Fighters can do anything when you give them the right tools! Fighters change the world. Its okay to have a day you can't enjoy things too. When I get there rather than saying why can't I enjoy x ? Now I do x and just let the feelings come and go. I don't judge them, I just go with it. Sometimes I give into them and feel them. I just sit with them even though its not so fun. Sometime I forget and catch myself having....fun. Funny how that works! The other thing I do when I can't find anything else fun to do or focus? I help other people. Maybe there is a friend who is experiencing the same thing you are and you both can help each other? When you listen to Leo's videos and get bored? Take a break. Get up, walk around, then sit back down and keep going? You're 15. 15 Year olds have a 15 minute attention span did you know that? When you're 16 it will be about 16 minutes unless you really want something really badly. That's normal. Its how teenage brains work. They are still growing. When something makes you feel and makes you angry or sad? I would pay attention to that thing and ask what about Leo's topic made you feel when you can't seem to feel any other time? Should you feel happy right now? I don't know. I don't know what you're living through right now. Maybe you shouldn't be happy? Maybe you should be feeling angry and sad and be questioning? You are. You must need to. What do you think about some of these things? Its okay to take your time, its okay to not answer back for awhile and think about it too. Is there another adult you can talk too? Are there resources for mental health you might not be aware of that another adult could help you find? Great question, you are braver and stronger than I suspect you think.

@Keyblade Viking - Tobias FYI the adding a name tag is the at symbol followed by the name without a space. It pulls up a drop down menu for you to click the name and then it inserts the name into the post. I'm still figuring stuff out and finding new things myself.

@ModernSage Great Book.

@ModernSage Great! I love that you add the turn around! The positive intention. You can also get creative with it. You can write poems, letters, great comment and insight that it takes dedication, time, and quiet.

I can concur with the observation there appears to be a flow pattern. Sam Harris Describes this, mystics and shamans, Christ consciousness folks, so many flavors of spiritual context and a rich fabric with the same common thread...love. We agree patriotism is misleading in its common usage today. I find precision with language to be an interesting thing, we appear to create the reality we write and speak. What we speak is quite literally the focus of our focus. Are we focused on solutions which advance evolutionary progression across multiple disciplines, world views, and contexts to find the common thread for coexistence and survival? Are we focused on precise language which facilitates that communication process effectively? Are we merely focused on advancing a world view we plan on taking no steps towards implementing? I am somewhat of a pragmatist. Ideas require actions for implementation. It appears a balance of positive focus, being in the flow, confidence in your own action, taking the action, then the flow reveals your alignment. (or lack of alignment if that is the case) Trying to tell a poet not to write about change is like telling a fish to walk. Giggles. I know words create change. I know working within political systems empowers we the citizens to be responsible for the government which was created to serve us rather than playing victim to it. Perhaps we who see the planet as a global community are attempting to shift politics towards awakening? Worse goals to live for! Why Poets poet. LOL Those videos? Lots of hours there and I am focusing in on Leo's course. I'm going to put it on my watch later videos and when I am doing research I can view them. Thank you for sharing them with me.

@Irina Irina Great question. @Anicko, great answers. I don't know if you have seen this video of Leo's on How to deal with negative emotions.... I usually listen to it at least once a day as I am really working on core childhood traumas. http://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-deal-with-strong-negative-emotions

You are welcome! @SenshiAna I don’t know if I really have an answer, I could offer some insights that jump out at me. “I am avoiding this friend for the feelings he makes me experience?” What are the feelings you experience when you are in his company? Can you list them for yourself on a sheet of paper? “I want him so much…” Do you know why? What about “him” makes you want him so much? Can you list that on a sheet of paper. Is it how he feels about you or how he makes you feel about you? If he doesn’t like you, who are you? Can you list that on a sheet of a paper? Who are you with him, and who are you without him? Do you still have the same worth now you think you will have if, since you “want” him. you “get” him? If you are not in his mind, you don’t know whether he likes you or not unless you communicate. That means risking rejection and that can be scary. When I get to this place? I personally want to know what is real. I would rather ask and hear I want to be friends, or I just want a one-night stand, I want a falafel, whatever… then, I can make up my mind, what I want as well. I look at it like. “I can’t lose what I don’t have,” so I try to communicate. I don’t know this man. He could be shy? He could be avoidant, he could just have social anxiety when it comes to talking to girls? In my observation being the girl that hangs out with lots of guys? It’s just as hard for men to ask women out, and ask all the relationship questions, as it is for women to do. I talk to lonely men every Friday evening at a social function who put on all this armor and then want to meet the girl of their dreams. Only way to get over rejection? Risk rejection. Sounds counter-intuitive I know, but sometimes we have to do counter intuitive things to break old patterns. By being brave enough to share with him how you are feeling you may open the door to a good conversation he doesn’t have the tools or courage to start? Maybe he is carrying around the exact same fears? In my direct experience in the beginning of relationships everyone is doing that nervous tango of wondering and hoping. But if you have the pursue, run dynamic going on, on both sides? That’s going to be a challenging tango. The cool thing about the tango when you get tangled up you can get untangled. You just re-frame your dance space. I met someone four months ago. He is a really intelligent man and we communicate about everything. We are also aware of my intimacy avoidance reactions which can kick in, so we do very specific eye contact exercises to work on that. Sometimes its uncomfortable. “Oh he’ll see in here and see I’m crazy and a train wreck and reject me.” So I will verbalize that fear. Instead he says yeah, you are out there that’s what I love about you.” Yeah, you are a train wreck, you should be right now, come here you, let me hug you. I got you, I’m here for you.” Time will tell. Honestly, it’s not a crazy "I want you" thing. It’s a "Wow I am just so content and I can be authentic with you even if I’m crying and healing and it’s a beautiful relationship." We’ve run into a few communication glitches, those were solvable. This over time is building built trust and confidence. I am grateful. Another thing I will throw out there? We are focusing on the relationship intimacy, not physical intimacy. That is a huge pattern shift and I find I retain more emotional clarity to examine if I can really trust this person with a more logical emotional process. I’m not saying everyone has to approach a relationship the way I do, I am not exactly the pillar of success, I’m hopeful. I’m learning so I’m hopeful. So my thought? What if you talk to him about all of this and see what he has to say? You will have more information that is real to work with? What do you think?

@SenshiAna The other thing I was remiss to mention, it can be very dangerous to self diagnose. Have you ever heard of the person who can read the DSM and then starts manifesting every illness out of fear? I think its fairly normal when we feel off balance or we have just been hurt to have issues with trust. So this friend? Is it a friend you are avoiding for a valid reason or an invalid one? Sometimes? Listen to your gut, you might want to not be intimate with this friend anymore. Are you tired? Do you just want a break? So you might want to do some more inquiry about it as well.

I think you might appreciate this, its one of my favorite Ted talks. I'm working on the intimacy thing and I have been very fortunate to find a few safe men both in a treatment setting and in my personal life to learn to rebuild trust and vulnerability with, which allows intimacy. Just a thought.

This goes in to my last post but I felt it was getting to long lol. Good morning @Keyblade Viking - Tobias, I love your long answer. Thank you. It shows me you cared enough to take the time to think about what I said and respond. Thank you for that. I have not seen “the video” by Leo you are referencing, so I cannot comment related to that video. Do people always tell other people the truth? No. Are there times when it is morally considered better to lie? (IE, Aunt Sue’s dress is horrible but you say what a lovely color so sue is happy because in the big picture does sue really need to hear her favorite dress is hideous so you feel you were truthful? It’s might be true to you; it’s not true to her, it’s not kind, it’s not necessary.) I try to ask is it true kind and necessary? Trust me, I fail quite a bit. But it is a mindful goal. To return to the topic of patriotism, is it true that @8LanguageStud was promoting a spiritual theory? It appears he offered a different hierarchy of actualization for consideration within the Patriotism paradigm which was relevant to the thread. He offered us a different progression to consider from the world we exist in as it is now; and the world we would ideally like to see tomorrow. He offered a different vision. By listening and taking interest in his vision, I could find the common thread between us even though we may differ on issues. By sticking to the issues, he now knows I respect him, as I do you. He knows it is safe for him be to be his authentic self here on this thread as do you, within appropriate agreed upon boundaries so everyone feels safe. If I belittle his ideas, I don’t take interest in him or his position, I just react. I can’t be very truthful when I’m reacting…it’s called re acting for a reason. Ego… I like how folks throw that word around like it’s an evil to be eradicated. I would ask you to consider ego from a different vantage point now that I have considered yours? If we return to the root, which generally appears by pattern more intuitively precise, once becoming energy manifested (gnosis) "the self; that which feels, acts, or thinks.” require ego to have passion, purpose and thus create. Now assume you are the child who was deliberately fragmented to the point of DID traits (Dissociative Identity disorder traits) from abuse occurring in infancy. Layer upon layer of walls built to protect a child from that type of trauma to include post traumatic amnesia. (Which by the way makes visualization challenging) Ego is your sense of self and your sense of self is fragmented. Unlike the individual who has a strong self of self or ego to the detriment of others, some of us have to learn to build an ego or sense of self so that we can move forward and progress. As for your spiritual position, while I respect it is your framework of understanding, I don’t share your position. Organism theory is an interesting theory to consider related to overall social actualization evolution. So to return to the patriotism focus of the thread and involve everyone, perhaps we can creative problem solve about the actualization process most optimal for survival of the human species and how this might change our social paradigms or framework of even understanding self. I actually had this conversation with a constitutionalist and we agreed on many things despite our differences of being labeled liberal versus conservative; religious versus agnostic. We both agreed people had to begin with internal change so they wanted to create voluntarily more giving paradigms in social systems. We both wanted to see more care balanced with pragmatism; a plan to get from point a to b. Let’s see what thoughts we can generate from others? I will add this TED talk to perhaps elevate our imaginations as to what reality might be or be becoming... Again, just ideas to ponder.

Day of the Vision Quest! My first passion? Dancing Inmates Sony Pictures. Some events alter your life forever. One morning my life was turned upside down. Meet my son Carl. So I have big visions! The first is related to criminal justice reform and services for inmates and inmate families. There are not many services available for inmates or their families and yet we have one of the largest incarcerated populations on the planet. I want to change that. People have many misconceptions about the criminal justice system. I want to change that. The media causes great harm to families and the accused with how they present crime news. This harm goes unnoticed because its not popular to advocate for the accused or the families/loved one's of the accused/offenders. I want to change that. Many people don't understand how the criminal justice system functions from multiple perspectives. As a former officer, a crime survivor, a mother of victims, a mother of an inmate, a former PI? I have a unique perspective based upon my direct experience. I think I can bridge the gap. This might mean writing something very personal and painful to help others. It might mean being rejected and disliked. I also blame myself, so I have lived in a prison of my own creation, doing time with my son. When your son gives you this message? You realize you have to stop and let all the pain you've ignored out. The goal today? Radical acceptance of what is. Mature Language.