Kelley White

Yeah @Sarah_Flagg, what you are describing reminds me of EMDR and I'd advise doing that with someone, maybe even more than one someone depending upon the person.

I'm curious where you learned this technique @Spiritjunkie? Personally it sounds like rehearsing a trauma. First I have to agree with everyone, I think without being under the care of a professional to pull you back to reality, this one can backfire and cause some folks harm. It seems like you are trying to make the perpetrator faceless, change the visualizations and thus alter the patterns of perceptual reactivity? I may be incorrect? I get the notion of the shock to the system or the rewire/re frame approach in this? Some components of Dialectic Behavioral therapy have you trigger yourself with film or music to feel, but wholly different than specifically going to a space of trauma which might trigger some to suicidal ideology. That is why I am wondering if this is a technique that actually has worked specifically for you? Do you observe success with this technique for yourself?

Yeah, I'm crying and it is fucking beautiful and perfect @Keyblade Viking Thanks for sharing.

Hi @electroBeam! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and consider my point of view. I wish I could take credit for crafting it, but I am flow, Like the progressive girl. I have to laugh...I wouldn't even think to put that in a poetry book. Giggles. Sure, I hear you. Guess what? There are also women that are that smart out there in multiple other fields and disciplines who still might have the same interests. For example? I am a poet. I study science. I'm not an engineer. I hang out with many engineers. I think what engineers can do is JFM. (Just Fucking Magic) I know a dragon in engineering, no shit. That's some fun shit right there for a girl, engineer or not. That shit right there makes you unlike all the other dudes who do what some of wee poets would call boring shit. I am a pragmatist. I can relate to this struggle. The scientific concrete mind that deals with the what is and thinks it has control. Engineers have to believe in controls to do what they do right? So yes, there is a positive form of manipulation, I can agree with that. I can agree we all engage in the conduct its the intent. I did somewhat assume this since you are here. (I'm glad you are here) It was a great post. Your article? Now, I'm going to just share my own direct experience for what its worth in the face of this proven expert advise and precise break down of statistical data. The map may not be the territory. Personally, and this may be my bias from my own experiences, but as a Realtor? (I was a top producer for over 8 years, I sold many a home.) The most challenging clients I dealt with were engineers. They killed more positive deals than any other clients statistically. They were the hardest clients to get through a negotiation process. When it came to pragmatism they ended up with over-analysis paralysis and it drove their partners, women who are emotive creatures and all about the kitchen, bonkers. Their expectations were often inflexible and unrealistic. I suspect you want cake; the formula to get the right girl the first time with risk reduction for collateral damage, mainly your heart? Don't we all? My gut reaction when I look at that list? I think of my exes animation programs and creating the perfect mate down to the detailed perfection of anatomically correct parts. You Ken? If you are stressing yourself out this much over creating a page to attract women, what are you like to cook dinner with? Are you that guy with mad spreadsheets? If a girl likes you because you fit all the numbers in pixels what about when the numbers don't align in person? You might want to engineer Lucy instead? You know exactly what and who you are getting, you can control all the variables the Japanese are just about there. You can just skip the dating site and engineer the partner dude. She will always tie the room together and never be upset if your drinking white Russians. She probably won't steal your rug in a divorce either. But now I have my Dudism hat on, the Dude abides.

You are welcome @8LanguageStud. I had always heard of hedonism referred to in a negative context. I recently had someone redefine it for me and I have been viewing it as more of a positive. We are essentially beings of sensory experience. After much thought, I cannot find anyway to eradicate the paradox, much like Stephen Hawking states, there is no creation without imperfection. The Buddhists say that evil has its own path. By observation thus far I have to agree with your observation; each emotion has its own purpose. ADHD and social problems? That sounds like an interesting book. I am very interesting in the proliferation of data and its impact on social stress. I'll be interested to hear what you think of the book or what you learn. I just ordered so many books on the reading list I will be reading for weeks once they all arrive. LOL So please, do share as you are reading. I hope you have a great day.

@Diane, you are very welcome. Thank you, that is very kind of you. Good for you! I heard that you recognized you were expecting too much of yourself. I can relate to that. Self care, I am working on that one. I like actualization because its all about little steps. Set your focus, I agree, somehow the way seems to open before us. Just an observation. So I'm happy to support your focus there. Good luck and remember, its not always a linear process, so be kind to you if you don't get something accomplished.

@christianblake, Thank you for reminding me of Nathaniel Branden. I have read so many books, I tend to either remember actual book content, titles, or favorite authors. Once I looked up who you were referring to, I am familiar with his work. I am also familiar with Ayn Rand; very misunderstood author Ayn is. His book, The Six Pillars of Self Esteem was a good read. It made some interesting points from what I recall, but I read it years ago. Good stuff. Thank you.

@Natalya, you are most welcome. I sincerely hope you found something helpful. Please keep us posted on how things are going for you.

Hi @Pamela Zamora. You are welcome so much. Thank you; writing it about it helps me, so you helped me as well. "Emotions" are a powerful form of energy...why they "move" us. Yes, they are challenging to control. I have huge challenges in that area. I think its why I'm an artist/poet? I channel my emotion into art, its less self defeating than some of my other options in the past. What you helped me see yesterday as I was writing to you? My son is alive. I can Skype with him. I can see him smile. I can laugh with him and cry with him. I can still experience him. I can still love him and feel his love for me. I have seen him grow into the man I knew he could be if he had been given help; if we had been given help or there were tools like this available then. Where he is, he is a leader, he is respected, he bridges the gap between inmates, and inmates and guards. So he has self actualized through his own journey and taken the time of incarceration for study. That is the shift my focus needs. That is some work, yes. Thank you for helping me with this. My son was missing for two months before being found. Having a family member at risk and then having that family member missing does add an additional layer of stress. Its a very helpless feeling. You love your brother, you want him safe. You don't condone his conduct, but you want him safe. I would say that's being a loving sister. Yes, take care of you right now. Sometimes I find I have to shrink my world for awhile and contract my focus. Yes, sometimes we do lie to ourselves. Reality? That's a whole other topic. I would recommend Leo's videos about Knowledge and Enlightenment. If you are asking for this wee poets theory? Reality is a state of mind. John Nash, brilliant man, saw the patterns underlying language. He was the thinker who demonstrated to us, mental illness or no, you can choose through focus, what your real is; one of the reasons I agree he had A Beautiful Mind. I would theorize we create our reality based upon our thoughts. I observed the pattern to be true despite any paradigm shift/mental construct/faith I might choose to apply wholeheartedly. Please, keep me posted on your brother and what happens, and we are here for you.

@christianblake, thank you so much. I will check Nathaniel Branden's work out.

Why thank you @The Alchemist

@isabel I am sorry to hear about your brother. Addiction robs so many of so much. The only experience I have with meth addiction is from the law enforcement capacity and seeing men in prison, or the health issues which result from this addiction. It is my understanding the only other addiction more challenging to quit is smoking cigarettes. So I hear you demonstrated some poor behaviors, You are taking 100% responsibility and you made efforts to be a positive influence and offer help. (Correction/resolution. You did all that is/was in your power to do. I had to want to get well. I had to see what my addiction was doing to me and to people I loved. I had to understand I was a medically induced addict who abused drugs originally meant to deal with an illness to cope with a murder. I had to understand I was going to die if I kept doing what I was doing. I am still working on forgiving myself, having compassion for why I fled to opiates to kill the pain. No one could do it for me. Just like when I quit smoking cigarettes, I had to do it, and I had to want to do it for me. If your brother doesn't want to quit? If he is so afraid of reality he cannot imagine facing it without meth? What must that pain and fear feel like? This is the drugs talking. It could also very well be permanent damage due to the drug use. There is nothing you personally can do to change that, he is an adult and that is now his choice and his responsibility. You can hope he gets to that place; even then, its a process and it takes time. Do you lose your happiness to his choice? (Now I'm speaking as much to you right now as I am to me, so I thank you, because I have a son in prison, and I kind of punish myself for him being there, and I punish myself for my kids struggles....so I can understand that emotion. Just writing this I personally can feel that sorrow now, the self loathing although it last for shorter periods. I'm learning in the whys of some of my choices to see the totality of my life and forgive myself, be kinder, more compassionate to me. The me I am now is not the me I was then. My son also reminded me that when I beat myself up for his action (the murder) I rob him of taking 100% responsibility for himself. That was a gut punch to me. I had to sit with that for awhile before I could really get the magnitude of what he was saying. When I can think clearly? The best tool I've found? Pretend you are your friend, hearing your story and give you the advice you would give your friend. You may find like me, you are more compassionate to your friends than you are to you.

You're very welcome. @isabel Thank you.

Nerd, I love the term nerd. Great film "Revenge of the Nerds," they turned out to be the people who really made cool shit happen. Now, as a sapio-sexual, I require nerdom. We are entering the Age of the Nerd. Technology is where its at now! Turnoff? Manipulation. Think would you want a woman to manipulate you or lure you on false pretenses with a staged page? I mean you can choose to do it, but I've not seen it be successful over the long term. As a woman I actually avoid the whole selfie thing but online I want men to focus on engagement with me the being, not me the object they create in their head space. As a poet, people can fall in love with who they think I am, and I am not that person at all. Its just who've they've constructed in their mind. So you post this great profile, you get heaps of girls. Statistically one will bite if you troll long enough. Problem is? Now what do you do with "her", now you've built a foundation upon manipulation? How many more manipulations will you need to sustain the first ones? How long will it be before your entire relationship is found on manipulations you cannot sustain and your authentic you is discovered? What do you want in a woman? You want a fellow nerd do you can be your authentic self and know you're valued for your authentic self? Do you want a girl that would fall for a manipulation? I'm not you, I don't know what you want or why. I'm wondering if you know what you want or why? This might be a good place to start. Leo's got great videos and a relevant reading list. Perchance the girls in engineering are just as lonely as the "dudes?" I post about science, nerd and geek stuff. Your tribe is out there... be you. I've never been on tinder, I can't speak to it. I tried watching all of the video on creating profiles? I couldn't get through it. I can't fathom the thinking. Its seems just so much easier and less work to be honest and authentic than craft a persona? That's me. The best thoughts a wee poet can offer at the moment. It may not be what you wanted...a way to fish the seas...but it might prepare you for a pearl when you find one. Quality with precision and authenticity.

Hi @Pamela Zamora, nice to meet you. Thank you very much for sharing your story. I hear you saying you fear that he might be a danger to himself or others. If you are saying you are seriously concerned he could commit suicide I would call the appropriate authorities. Depending on where you live they can get him an assessment to determine if in fact he is a danger to himself or to others. (My law enforcement and emergency service training is coming out here. ) @Ayla is correct, you can't make him come back and do" the right thing". What is the "right thing" for him? I understand this feeling. I have a son in prison. Prison is not a nice place. I worry about my kid. Is that a reasonable thing to have a concern over? It must be or I wouldn't feel concerned. I have to accept I have no control over his safety at all. Some days I do better with that than others. Your dad is in a manic phase and his conduct will be high risk/impulsive/potentially self destructive or violent? It sounds like a valid concern based upon your past direct experience? If he does not have conduct bad enough to merit you getting him professional intervention? Now you focus on you and protecting you from his actions. Its also alright to admit a family member is toxic for you at the moment and allow them to walk their own path and set firm boundaries so your paths don't intersect. Real or not real? It certainly feels real when your life is in chaos due to allowing some of his actions into you life; and you can choose to dismiss the guilty thoughts and focus on your own wellness and growth. (Also easier said than done at times. ) Its challenging at first when we are used to taking responsibility for someone else, to focus just on ourselves and allow then to take responsibility for themselves. Just asking the questions you are now? You are on the path to making that shift for yourself. I wish you the best and I hope your father can get some help. In the interim I suggest radical acceptance of what is. If that means grieving the loss of what you hoped for your dad? That's okay too.

@Natalya, Hi. Nice to meet you. I can see you have already received some excellent feedback and suggestions from everyone. There is one thing I might offer and that is effective interpersonal communication within those relationships when those fears arise. I have abandonment issues, I'm aware I have triggers. I make sure each different relationship is aware of the triggers which might impact that relationship. If triggers arise, sometimes I remove myself, identify what is going on, ask if its me or them, and if its me? I can realign me and they never even are aware there was an issue since the issue was in my mind. If its them? Then I can go back when I am in a more centered emotional space and effectively communicate to get validation in a healthy way to learn its okay to trust, not everyone will abandon you. I also after much reflection and struggle realize I've got a 100% survival rate from being/feeling abandoned. I had to accept honestly, I abandoned me and responsibility for me, why I selected, not attracted, but chose...(whether subconsciously or not) these types of relationships. I have had to take 100% responsibility for MY whys so I don't choose to repeat them. Those people each told me who they were I chose not to believe them and to see who I wanted to see. Now when people tell me who they are I tend to believe them rather than argue with them assuming everyone thinks like I do. Ultimately is it ideal if you can shift your perspective and see things from a more elevated perspective? Certainly. However when we are triggered that's challenging to do, its emotion land where reason and logic seem lost in the fog. . It can be a process versus an immediate habituated response. The more I practice? The better I get, the less time it can take. Some days? I fail. I just examine why and know it will pass and allow time to tell. The proof is in the actions over time by my wee observation but I'm still working on it, so I'll have to let you know. LOL So far doing things differently seems to be having better more positive results for me. Great thread, great responses by everyone.

Good Morning @8LanguageStud. "Pearce is primarily known as the author of The Hedonistic Imperative, a 1995 book-length manifesto in which he theorises how to "eradicate suffering in all sentient life" through paradise engineering.[11] In Pearce's view, suffering is not necessary for humans and only exists because humanity evolved through methods that emphasized survival, rather than happiness.[12] He writes that mental suffering will someday be seen as a relic of the past, just as physical suffering during surgery was effectively eliminated with the advent of anaesthesia.[13] In his work, Pearce outlines how drugs and technologies, including genetic engineering and nanotechnology, could enable the end of suffering in all sentient life.[14] In the short term, Pearce argues, well-being can be helped by designer drugs, especially since safer mood-brighteners are becoming more readily available.[15] In the long-term, however, suffering could be abolished by genetic engineering through biotechnology.[9]" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Pearce_%28philosopher%29 I like Wikki since it will give you some background in a more precise succinct way than I will. LOL I follow technology and mental health. Pearce is a Transhumanist and believes we can use technology to evolve our biology so we are less susceptible to emotional suffering. He balances cognitive reconditioning with technological remedy for an optimal outcome of prevention and eradication. Current book? I want to be respectful and its required reading from Leo's course, (his reading list is available in the product section,) so I am not going to share the title I am just going to say it is a very good book. Thank you for taking an interest.

@Henri, thank you. I wholly agree with you. Great suggestion and observation. Thank you so much.

@Ade you are very welcome. I am happy we could offer something that helped. I wish you a positive week this week moving forward.

Good goals to have @Diane

Good Morning @OceanJjb, I think you are doing quite well with your English. I'm also thankful you asked the question, I struggle with many of the same fears. Thank you for being courageous, transparent, and authentic. Those are such beautiful and rare qualities. Yes, doing CNA work is both challenging and very rewarding. My observation is Western culture tends to sanitize the aging and death process, an out of sight out of mind denial that makes the isolation of the fear of dying worse. Who do you talk to about such a morbid topic with authenticity? That can be very challenging, people are uncertain of what to say. I have assumed for awhile I would die old and alone. CNA work, law enforcement, it all challenged my views of death and dying. It still does. I am happy that you found some of the suggestions useful. I found The crone is relevant to grieving and the grieving process, that awareness of our own mortality, the temporality of it all. The retreat into the hermit phase of our own internal wise woman, the wild woman who can rekindle passion. Sometimes we can lose our inner dreamer, and to awaken her takes time and quiet reflection and all the stages of grief. I am so glad that as an introvert you are here. Thank you for trusting us enough to share your story and your fears with us. That is really courageous. The hormone thing could most assuredly be impacting you so I am very happy it was helpful. I missed in my reading the first time your age. I apologize for my misunderstanding, I'm am happy however it worked out well and proved relevant. I am happy sharing here and the thoughts and options of everyone were able to help you come to a calmer space. Its so nice to meet you and thank you again for sharing this it really was helpful for me as well.

Hi! @Ryan_047 First I owe you an apology. I forgot to tell you I am not online weekends. I apologize. You were definitely on my mind. Second, Happy Belated Birthday! So you just turned 16? Congratulations! Tell me about your cake? What kind was it? Did you do anything else for your Birthday? You are not bothering me at all, nor, as we can see are you bothering anyone else. That's a fear we have when we are in pain because pain and fear are challenging emotions to deal with. Being emotionally numb (not feeling) can be challenging. I can hear with what you are describing that you are in a situation where the adults around you are struggling with some intense emotions, and they sound like very serious adult situations? I would ask you first to remember, you are just 16. You are not responsible for Mom, for Dad, you are responsible for you okay? They are adults, they are responsible for them and for you. Now sometimes, moms and dads get sick. If mom is so sad and depressed she tried to harm herself then mom is sick too, just with a different kind of illness okay? Is she okay now? How is your dad doing today? I want to acknowledge this is some serious adult stuff and its pretty normal that you are struggling to feel right now. The adults are having a hard time coping, so I hope you can acknowledge first of all how awesome it is you are here, that you are aware, that is half of the battle right there. Lots of 16 year old's in a second world, or even first world countries don't have that kind of courage. Thank you for being so brave. Let's focus on some more practical tools that might help you. I like @Ayla and @DanoDMano idea about writing, but as a writer? I know writing can be challenging to do when you don't feel motivated to do anything or get pleasure from anything. Its also hard if you are not feeling to sort to the core issues and yes, you have to shoot for more than just a few sentences. So, I have a couple of ideas for you to try today if you are game to try them. Now just so you know...? I've still kept that commitment to meditate and read. So I'm still doing that with you. Are you still doing the reading and meditating? The mediating lets you observe what thoughts are coming and going. Those can be clues to feelings. Not feeling can be a defense mechanism to remain functioning, coping, because everything feels too overwhelming to feel. It's okay to be there. So I learned a technique from a Doctor called expansive writing. Set a timer for ten minutes. For today start with the sentence, "If I could feel I would.....?" Write seven sentences where you answer the question, "If I could feel I would ?" (Example if I could feel I would cry.") After you write your seven sentences I want you for ten minutes to write everything and anything that comes to your mind about feeling and those seven sentences you first wrote. (I am going to tell you up front, when you are done? You are going to rip this piece of paper up into little pieces and throw it away. The reason the Doctor asks people to tear it up and throw it away? You can be really, really honest because you won't worry about someone else reading it or what someone else might think. Its just for you to figure out what you are really thinking and feeling since you are kind of disconnected. ) You can also write it on a computer where you can just delete it, but the brain activity is a little better if you do it with a pen and paper. Either way do the one you feel the safest to do. So write for ten minutes. Then look at your writing and find the common theme or themes you keep writing about. Once you identify that? We can come up with a new stem sentence for tomorrow for you to write about. Some of us learn when we write. We don't learn from reading, or listening; we learn from writing. You might be one of those people who once you write something, you see your thought process and find your feelings. It might take time, and its not always a linear process. (Linear process means its not a straight line from point a to point b. It means taking baby steps and sometimes you take a few back and you have to dust yourself off and take a few more baby steps forward. ) That's really what self actualization is all about. Little baby steps. Since you are having a challenging time feeling or naming the emotion you might be feeling? I want you to find some music and listen to music with your headphones while you write. If in that moment you want to cry? I want you to find a song or a movie clip that might have made you cry in the past and watch or listen to that while you write. We call that self triggering. You focus your focus on the sad so you can cry so you can get the sad out. You can do the same thing if you are angry, or you want to feel happy. Listen to angry music, or some happy music on your head phones, and do the exercise. Let's say you can't find your words. Rather than write? Draw? Do you draw or do any kind of artwork? You can substitute that for writing as well. Even if you don't draw well, just go with color. Adult coloring books? They use the same brain functioning as meditation. If you have challenges meditating? Color for twenty minutes, there are coloring sites with adult Mandalas you can print and color. Sometimes the music triggers the emotion and the creative process helps you identify and release the things you are facing without doing something harmful to yourself or others. Another thing you can do if you want to cry? Get a rubber band and place it on your wrist. Snap the rubber band on your wrist. You can also use ice. This is another tool counselors use to help people feel emotional pain but not self harm. We already talked about you could punch the bed or scream into a pillow. I could add some other things but I want to keep things simple. For now... Do you want to try the expansive writing exercise with music? See if it begins to help? If you do let me know. Then you can do it and we can talk about how it went.? I look forward to hearing from you.

@8LanguageStud Both sound like good books. I like Sam Harris, although sometimes he can be a bit inflammatory. I listen to many of his YouTube debates and lectures. I want to look at Haidt more now that you pointed him out the other day. Maybe I have two more books to get. Are you familiar with David Pearce and the Hedonist Imperative? I am going to be reading that after I finish my current book.

Maybe @ModernSage has some different videos he can share with us today? @Ryan_047