Marinus

@Natasha @Serotoninluv Thx for the advice, I will be cautious. Fortunately I'm a very honest and authentic person which people notice and appreciate in me. I radiate it and people feel safe and relaxed in my presence. I hope this will help me hahaha.

@Aeris Sounds magical hahaha. Honestly I think I have a problem with love and connection. I experienced a lot of stress for at least 3 years when my parents divorced and they both used me for their own benefit. Before this I had no relationship experience. Deep inside me I think nobody is trustworthy and that I don't deserve to be loved by others. This fucked me up and I tried pick up as a cure, but it doesn't solve my problems hence being neurotic.

@Natasha Maybe you are right about her PTSD. The distance isn't that far (+-2 hours by train), but the public traffic makes it expensive and difficult to me in my current condition to do it often.

@Aeris To be honest I don't even like texting, I prefer human interaction. This medium is a shitty way to express emotions and a slow way of communication.

@Aeris I don't think so, I mirror her behavior as much as possible even if I don't like to do this. the last two weeks we texted about 3 subjects which were limited texts. And all else is trying to set up date number 3 which is tomorrow.

@Serotoninluv Were your date experiences itself high quality? I wonder if calling would work better. The problem if she likes me is that it will become a LDR if things get good and it would suck if this dynamic would be like this.

@Natasha Thx, those were all reasons I could come up with. She told me that her ex was playing mind games on her and she didn't like that. It would seem strange that she want's to date me a third time if she is not attracted to me, because she told me thing like that she likes me, that she likes my body shape. I learned that what women say is based on how they feel, so maybe feelings change when a person isn't around any more. On the second date she was more nervous in general and we got to her place. We also talked a lot about sex and she told me she would be nervous to do that with me, a couple of minutes later I made a move like touching and kissing, but she became very nervous and didn't expect me to make a move probably because I don't have much experience with doing this and I appear shy to the outside world.

After contemplating my falling in love with my ex I discovered I didn't fall in love, I was just neurotically obsessed as I had no experience with girls. I wonder if it's possible for a human being to be unable to fall in love. I'm a very logic driven guy and I have the ability to analyse people and determine what the want, what their motives are, what their strong point are and their fault (the last two are my subjective judgments). Of course I'm not always right and everyone can do this. I think the way I see people will create a mental picture that about them which will prevent my hormones to trigger . When I'm looking for a partner I rather look at personality compatibility instead of just feeling great. My brother is madly in love with his girlfriend and I see how that can change a person for better and worse. I think my way is a wise way to "choose" a partner, but something in me wants to experience how falling in love feels. I like to read your thoughts.

@Keyhole thx it's my actual name.

Mainly checking facebook, instagram, whatsapp, YouTube for potential messages which I often don't recieve. It's all part of my internet addiction. I only suffer from it in isolation, when I'm around people I they have my full attention. Binge watching YouTube and streaming services also apply. My current efforts to stop doing this is putting my phone in a locker that I have for money when I'm going to sleep. In my student dorm I only have one room and that makes it difficult to "hide" my phone. When I have a very busy life like going to my internship I have a strong routine which makes me more focused, but most of the year I have to go to class and now I'm free which makes me more prone to distraction. I also struggle with a porn/masturbation addiction since I was 12 years old, I have achieved a one year no porn streak, 3 months of no fap an 6 months of no fap. My underlying problem is that I crave for human connection and this is my replacement. Currently I'm a week clean from porn. A simple insight I got is that it's all based on choice, every day I can choose to not give in to my cravings, but that takes a lot of effort. A more mental addiction I have is worrying and creating stories of how my life will be in the future and how people will use me which is very stressful. Some main addictions from the past I overcame are an unhealthy diet, gaming and judgement. I notice that when you do personal development your mind will change as all you learn and practice adds up and creates a new perspective on life gradually. I'm so happy that my level of judgement has decreased drastically in 1,5 years. I can feel that being open-minded creates a cleaner flow of information in my mind.

@RendHeaven It is a photo I used for a video which is planned to release next week. For a new video I'll try to make a better one I can use in my banner. I don't want to be a Leo rip off.

@RendHeaven you mean the photo? That was coincidence, maybe I need to make another one. Or do you mean my may of talking in the videos?

I made a new YouTube banner. I like make things like this. It's really fun! For people who wonder what I use, It's called canva, it's free. I also use this for my thumbnails.

I love it!

@RendHeaven Maybe we are spiritual brothers if have so much in common .

Again I type a random post about how my day went. I studied for 125 minutes. I made two Youtube videos that will be online in 2 weeks. It was fun to make them. It has been a while. I notice that my talking skills have increased. I say less often uhm etc. I had urges again to watch tv, but didn't act on them. At the moment my "Leo's vegetable soup" is boiling in the kitchen . The reason I'm typing this now is because I feel bored at the moment. This day was somewhat of a productive victory, but it feels empty, like everything else in life. The last months I'm getting more aware about feeling empty. Everything is like an Easter egg with different patterns, but when you break it open there is nothing in there. It's all hollow. Sometimes it feels like literally nothing has changed I mean LITERALLY. Like a mind that crates fantasies. The fantasies are different, but the mind that creates them is always the same. I had two dates last week with a very nice girl that I do like. With her I also had the same sense of her being the same as other girls I had spent time with. So strange she felt like the same person as other girls. Maybe this all a reflection of what I tried to describe before. A couple of days ago I had an amazing experience. This was the first time that I experienced astral projection while being able to see! It was amazing I could see through my hands! like a ghost. Now I'm confident that my amazing dream related powers can be activated in my "limbo fase". Whenever I take a nap when I'm incredibly tired around 4 in the afternoon I can get directly into the dream state. This is when the magic happens. Also when I'm very sleep deprived, but that's not very healthy. @Nahm @ajasatya maybe you two understand what I describe in GREEN and BROWN

Damn then I'm kind of an asshole. Thank you very much! I will when I have some experience with it hahaha. Also in my language we don't say falling in love, I think the translation is infatuation, sorry for the confusion. That sounds scary. In the future I definitely want that. .....................in me started laughing when I read this , because I can't answer what ........... is.

Today I feel so BORED omg this so dreadful. I feel the urge to watch films and it's so strong and tempting. I feel like a hardcore addict. How boring life can feel without tv. Tv gives meaning to my life. These are thoughts I have to face today, I don't have any motivation to do something else, but I'm still trying to do something else. Studying went well. I studied for 100 minutes today (still counting) and this is a lot for me. The quality of studying is 4 times higher then it used to be thanks to binaural beats and the porodomo technique.

@assx95 Because when you fall in love you are blind to someones "faults" right?

@RendHeaven This is one of the positive psychology exercises that I'll make a video about . This is in my opinion the most valuable exercise. A spiral wizard is someone who understands the spiral and a combination of stage yellow and turquois.

@RendHeaven Just start with what you are most competent in. In my case my diet and meditation. Your channel will be a motivator for growth. You can also think about it like this: You have 3 more years experience than the average person which is quite a lot. One of the people who motivated me to start this channel was someone from my internship and she told me that I do have enough knowledge. It often surprises me that I surprise people with my current level of understanding about what it means to be human. So if you ask me you are competent enough .

@RendHeaven Thx a lot! Interesting that we share similar values. My channel also like a motivator to pursuit self actualization, now I have people who I can help and that's also the best way to help myself.

Social media is a tricky one. Whatsapp it's only purpose is contact with people. Others like facebook and instagram I use mainly for other things like checking if I received updates. Also dating apps I consider also as a waste of time and it's the same as social media. The only benefit of social media I can exploit is posting my videos on it.

I was clean for 3 weeks and then I messed up and watched a film. This day I'm clean again and I'm going to start over with my 30 day challenge, it's quite hard. Since stopping watching films etc. I notice getting more addicted to my phone (social media), porn and masturbation. These things all have the same in common: stress boredom dopamine release accessibility cravings waste of time I wonder what happens if I stop using social media, porn and t simultaneously. I never tried that, maybe I need to go beast mode on this. All of these things and gaming which I don't do anymore have been my most destructive habits.

@RendHeaven definitely. I had and still have limiting beliefs and fears. Competence: I have 3 years experience of selfdevelopment and I can't offer high value teachings. Speaking English: it's my second language and it doesn't sound great. My phone camera sucks. I'm afraid people I know criticize me and laugh at me, because they think I suck. Al those things aren't really true, but still you have to start somewhere. I said to myself that you better start with a meh video and end up with high quality content. It's about the growth you and your channel make. I was really scared for people I know to see and hear me, but almost everyone whom I spoke is very supportive. To overcome this fear you just need to show everyone on your social media that your channel exists.