Elisabeth

I genuinely don't understand. If you're making hundreds of websites, why not charge money? If you're experienced and self-driven, how come that you're not in demand with employers? Do find a job where you can "progress" and move cities. So much is clear. But the lack of both long-term employment and friends is confusing. Are you seen as 'weird', do you have Asperger's or something?

@zudrush Ok, lets do questions. I write these to help explore the problem from more angles. - Larger city usually means higher rent, not lower rent. Have you checked? Do you already have an area in mind where (the kind of wage you will realistically get) vs. rent is more advantageous? - Why is it difficult for you to keep a job long-term? (100 jobs by age 35 is insane) - How long are you willing to commute to work? - You keep talking about education. What kind, what field? What do you expect education to give you? Why have you dropped out in the past? - If you already had the necessary education finished, what kind of job or business would you like to do? - As for finding employment, have you asked about opportunities your "weak social ties" - distant relatives, acquaintances, friends of friends? (For this, however, you'd have to be specific about what you're looking for.) - You also talk about a lack of social opportunities, you hope people would be 'friendlier' in the new area. What does that mean? Have you previously lived in an area with 'friendlier' people? - What kind of "dating opportunities" are you seeking? Clubs and bars? Hobbies where you meet like-minded people? I believe you can get out of your rut and a move might help. But doing stable work that you're somewhat good at is most important. Once you have that, dating becomes easier too.

To answer your question, it sounds like both: - You have nothing to lose by moving, so you can as well live anywhere you can find a job that can pay your rent. - As for "repeating your past", people have pointed out that you're blaming your circumstances quite a bit. Or so it seems from your posts in this thread. While this is understandable, it doesn't help, and its a mindset you're taking with you. To start noticing this, Leo's videos "Responsibility vs. blame" and "Stop being a victim" might be helpful. If you want to re-try and get focused on one career path, the life-purpose course is for you.

I think the question is posed very badly. If you pose a bad question, you get bad answers. He gave no context. So the girls assume context. First bit of context they assume is, that attraction is already there. That part he got right. (Although I'd like to question the whole "high-quality guy" classification since my own measure of high-quality will be very different than my friends' judgement.) Second, there's just so much covertness and dishonesty about dating in our culture, that yes, some openness is refreshing. That one he misses. Third, he's talking about vulnerability, but the question only asks about letting the woman know what you feel. There's a big difference between (a) "Would you go for dinner?" (Not saying anything about feelings. The woman is left to infer if this is even a date, and whether the intention is a one-night stand or a relationship or what.) (b) "I've been interested in you for a while now. Would you go for dinner and see where it takes us?" (More is revealed about the guy's feelings, but he's clear about what next step to take.) (c) "I admire you and I really wonder if you like me that way too." (Perhaps the most honest for that guy, but a real turn-off, since I'm asked to basically reassure him.) When women speak about being straightforward and meeting them half-way, I'm convinced they talk about option (b) as opposed to (a).

Seems like you do need to take a job then. Just pick something that will give you some useful experience. Finish your studies.

@electroBeam Are you better now? I certainly hope so. I'm missing one piece, and I wonder if you have it (you don't have to tell me). I get not wanting to do long-distance, but how comes your wife isn't able to handle a single week without you? Most people can handle a week without their spouse. A month can be hard but doable. Most people will break a relationship if their spouse wanted to be gone for more then a year, but won't break a relationship if it's a month, even repeatedly, unless its about kids. Frankly, it's not even a task for you to figure out - it's a task for her. But a deep understanding of the needs here would certainly help - that is, if it leads to compassion.

I had no real awakening experience yet, but I've had a few experiences of not being in control of my body or whatever was happening. The clearest one happened during holotropic breathwork for an instant. "I" was still there observing the happening, but kinda unaffected. Less clear experiences happened when listening to guided meditations. Also through rope bondage I've had experiences of reduced thinking and hightened consciousness, sensitivity, of flow and love. I'd call these opening of the heart, or peak experiences in Maslow's sense, not quite awakenings. I think for me self-actualization 1.0 started with going to some yoga lessons and learning to be mindful of the body. Self-actualization 2.0 is acceptance of emotions. That's the basis making these experiences possible for me.

If the meat is not bad, you usually still get a TON of topping, which is fatty and perhaps also sweet, so you've got meat and a bit of vegetables swimming in fat. Edible, but certainly not too healthy.

@Ya know Sure. So there's your fear and your reasons to deny. Since being inauthentic takes a lot of energy, you probably don't want to do it for your whole life. But you need not do any rushed actions now. Just start thinking about yourself a little differently: I like guys sexually. I may be gay. Just get used to it. It's ok if that takes a year or more. Think about what that means for your future, find a new vision of what your relationships may be like. Continue experimentation. When you're ready to come out to friends or family, here's the best guide I know

@Ya know What are you afraid of? What would be the unwanted consequences of you being gay?

I'm in Europe. I'd have to go for postdoc for a year at least, better two or three, with still no certainty that I'll get a stable job afterwards. One of the reasons to not do science... It doesn't have to be as far as China though, although it could be.

@electroBeam I don't know why you want to do a startup so much or if these sacrifices are necessary. Sounds crazy. From the outside it does sound like they are using you. However, if I don't want to change countries, I probably have to quit science as well (I won't get grants without international experience), so that's a bit similar. At least nobody is telling me that it's normal to not see my partner for three years. Don't be crazed by the Chinese culture I don't know anything about startups, but I know a thing or two about relationships. It's good you guys realized that you don't really want to be broken up. You can work from there. I hope you can figure out a workable arrangement - be it for a year or a lifetime.

So this is the story of why your breakup would be so weird. I can also see why it would be hard for your wife to support you working with someone who's so obviously toxic as a person. It's confusing to me why you would choose to do a startup with him specifically. Please don't go live at his house. As for your wife, I don't quite understand her. What does it help to be broken up and keep pretending you're husband or wife? She must have been really desperate about the state of your relationship to break it risking that you won't support her with her visa ... or I don't know. To break up with you and expect you to still secure her visa, and even lie to your parents, that's a shitty thing to do. You could send her (and her mom) right back to latin America. Few people would judge you. Maybe she's confident that she can make you still play along? Or, was she unable to keep having sex with someone who she doesn't want kids with, so she took the risk? If your decision is to be caring and selfless and you're gonna keep seeing her for another year, you haven't broken up really. I understand now why your original question was whether to try to win her back. You have a year to work on your differences. I have no idea if you should. You're in a tough spot. It would help to take a few days off and just give yourself permission to cry and introspect before you decide on your next actions. Get away from parents who are adding pressure. I'm so sorry. Please don't kill yourself.

Yes, you may be gay. Your sexuality could also be more complex, like bi- or pansexual: It's quite possible to be attracted to one gender all one's life, then at 35 fall in love with the opposite gender. This could happen. It's also possible to be romantically attracted to both (or all) genders but sexually aroused by just one, or vice versa. You don't quite have enough info to say "I'll always be gay", but so far everything points to you being more attracted to guys, so definitely not straight. Seek self-acceptance. Also seek education and community, if you need it. Good luck.

@How to be wise Ken Wilber points out that awakening experiences can happen at every spiral dynamics stage. A blue person could realize god. An orange person could be opposed to spirituality the most, but still, Leo's wording about doing an empirical investigation (say, into how the mind works) could appeal. Some people also have a sense of something transcendent without naming it God or having a context for it. If it's important to you, you can probably find the right way to speak about spirituality with your friends. You'll probably have to do it one on one though, just ask if the person believes in god, cares about truth, etc.

Good questions. Some preliminary steps happened this week. 1. I'm using a simple principle which is age-old, so I can't really monopolize. In fact, I'll be extremely happy if the idea spreads and attending a self-help or sharing group becomes the norm. At the same time, a circle led by me is going to be unique because no-one else is me. 2. We do have some marketing ideas. For start, we'll do a web page or at least a facebook page that clearly states the benefits of attending regularly and ask our friends to share it - should be enough to get people for one group. 3. No idea. I don't think its scalable, beyond me giving it more time and running more groups. But I may get an idea for something bigger by running it and learning skills. 4. We had a preparatory meeting with my collaborating people. I wrote to that teashop to book the room. We have another meeting scheduled. I attended someone else's sharing circle to see how they do it. (This week was rather busy.) 5. We have to confirm booking the space and figure out the marketing technicalities.

This is my preliminary life purpose statement from about a year ago (needs to be refined as it's not specific enough, but that's not easy to do): "Finding connections to open up new possibilities for people and the world at large to grow" (first posted here https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/28562-first-shot-at-life-purpose/) and this is what I posted last summer, heavily influenced by a trip: "I want to show people that they can connect and share and give and get support in thematic self-help groups and sharing circles, and through the bond formed there combat loneliness and get more insight into their personal issues, which will help them overcome these more easily." (first posted here https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/37934-i-want-to-lead-small-groups/) I also put together a personal development self-help group with my friends (who are all awesome, amazing people) which has been running strong now for a year and a half now with bi-weekly meetings. I did a discussion group for mostly fellow phd students enrolled in a mentoring program last year, with moderate success (a few people came multiple times and said it helped their insecurity). I now want to go public and run a real-life test whether a sharing circle is something that could be also commercially successful and still work for the people involved. Also to see whether I can even form one with people I don't know, and who don't have that much in common. The idea is to rent a room at a teashop for an evening every two weeks and make the group accessible for anyone who comes. The teashop has a slightly ezo name and they run workshops from Pilates to massage to drums so this would more or less fit with their programs and could be advertised on their website. I also want to run this project with one of my friends from the group we already have. She's also looking into switching careers from math to something more in line with "working with people", and she can hold a circle wonderfully. With a large group, it's certainly better if there are two facilitators, and also, if one is ill, having a partner who can lead the group is the solution. I am encountering a number of insecurities: This is my very first encounter with the world of small business. I have almost no clue about the law, about advertising or anything. Seems a lot to learn. I have been "holding back" bits of myself in a lot of environments. My public facebook (available to former classmates and more distant acquitances) doesn't say too often that I'm into personal development. Neither do I speak about it at work. I also don't say routinely that I'm involved with bdsm and polyamory communities. I feel that hiding aspects of my life is something that has to go, if I'm about to lead a circle based on honesty and openness. I'd put all this information about myself (personal development, polyamory, bdsm, probably also my mental health history) right out there into my intro on the website, as these are my qualifications for understanding and accepting people's struggles and differences. Though I've been "out" to friends with everything, this degree of vulnerability with both my immediate and broad social surroundings feels freaking scary. I have no formal qualification to do what I'm about to do. I want to do a training in facilitating discussions to have something more official. But I'm not a certified therapist. There are some groups focused on sharing or personal development in my city led by certified therapists. In contrast, I'm a phd student in physics who sometimes sucks as human communication and had to work on her empathetic skills from scratch. (My old self is screaming: What the fuck are you doing???) I hope the business aspect won't ruin my good intentions or the benefit of sharing for the people attending. Right now I'm a bit struggling to come to terms with my wish to make money out of this being rather intense (I NEED to switch careers). I know this is a tiny project, and also that groups like this are certainly not the full answer, but I still want it to also work comfortably money-wise. I'm a bit afraid what could happen adding the layer of "business relations" to the friendship with my to-be-partner. I know my friend is kind and moral and just as passionate about sharing and finally putting herself out there as me, but our intentions may get misaligned at some point, and we may have different blocks about money. Phew. Is there anything I should know that I don't at this point? Any ideas, questions or comments please?

Hi. I'm sorry you're in such deep trouble. I remember you posting much more a while ago. Living with your mom and being in some debt in Europe is - objectively - not a trap that you can't exit if you're somewhat healthy. And you have some IT skills which you can resurrect if necessary to get a job. So your highest priority should be dealing with depression. Don't give up on the western way, medication and therapy. Have you seen this thread? https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/43620-the-power-of-traditional-psychotherapy-and-psychiatry/#comment-547028 Don't give up on spirituality either. Ten minutes of meditation are ok too. It's a lifelong journey. Depression lifts one day. At least mine did. Immerse yourself into healing.

Are those very slow chess games? Like three hours/game, two games a day?

I get that too, although I also get longer depressive episodes. I think it's called "emotional instability" or "emotional dysregulation" (or less derogatory could be just a result of high sensitivity) and isn't enough to classify as a disorder on its own. Could be part of some larger complex of symptoms (borderline, cyclothymia, autism), or just a developmental feature.

@Martin123 Extremely interesting point of view. Thanks.

Not so great. Not too terrible either. Kind of a neutral observation & disappointment following. I read my diary from 10 years ago today. You're right - there is no old self. I remembered some of the events described there, but the thought process captured... it didn't feel 'mine', it felt like written by a stranger.

@SirVladimir Wow, thanks. @Leo Gura I promise to ask more about the experience of men that I know. But I don't believe dating has to be as one-sided as you describe it. Btw. I've approached men when in love, or with my erotic wishes. Some of it worked. And no cold approach works with me. To the extent conscious politics is possible, why not conscious dating? Why not seek the most win-win approaches to relating? (including one-night stands into relating, if that's a thing the woman is into)

I'm trying to see the male perspective. I've been bumping into it. I still fail to see how advice that leads to disgust in the opposite gender is going to lead to success. Wouldn't following this advice also elicit disgust? It does in me. But I'm not your typical pickup target, never done a one-night stand (though I enjoyed a bunch of tantric evenings, got tied by almost-strangers etc.). I do get that men need to build the skills you describe. What I'm missing is informed consent and reciprocity. I know that many young women are unable to give that, but that leads to incredible damage. (What I'm also missing, in general, is any guidance for the many submissive men out there, but that's beside the point now.) At the level of understanding I'm at, I think women need to accept and welcome the male sexual drive (as well as their own), while still doing their active choice. This is also a bunch of non-trivial skills to learn. Men need to approach in a way that's respectful, ie seeking informed consent and seeing her and the process unfolding and not just be blinded by the end-goal. Why not talk along those lines?

Reaction upon reading: I don't trust enough.