stevegan928

@Spacious I noticed that Peterson wasn't mentioned as stage green while Sam Harris was. I think since Peterson seems to have a more idealist view of the world than Sam he might be more open minded, however Sam seems really chill and non-emotional in the way he carries himself (maybe because of meditation) so maybe if someone actually laid out a really good argument against physicalism he'd be the one whose more willing to change beliefs. Peterson seems actually really triggered by post-modern ideas like nihilism to the point where I really don't think I could ever really see him exiting his current paradigm. I think it's because at his core he actually is a bit of a post-modernist and his metaphysics are set up in such a way that he can derive archetypal meanings out of anything. Not saying he's wrong but I just don't see him seriously contemplating the idea that maybe nothing has any meaning to it what so ever, he says he "gives the devil his due" but I seriously doubt that. If he did he'd realize there's at least just as good a case to be made for infinite meaninglessness and relativity as there is for infinite meaning and absolutism.

I find her metaphysics to be annoyingly relativistic for some reason. Her content seems to be geared towards transitioning green people to yellow and yellow to turquoise. I can't see anyone in orange being able to stomach her even if they're orange/green. Something about that woman just doesn't sit right with me but it's probably from my lack of true self-love and feeling of unworthiness.

Duncan Trussell I think was the guy who got me into spirituality. It was only later that I found out that the guy who got me into making girls squirt also has a thing or two to say on the subject of spirituality, which lead me to being interested in deeper subjects like enlightenment.

So I haven't been posting as much on my journal, I think it's to be expected that I will have a high volume of things to post when I first start the journal because they'd be things that have been lingering in my mind for some time. But now that I've had the opportunity to express those thoughts I'm less "inspired" to post more/ post with the same frequency. I do have other things to say, I have more "confessions", one might assume confessing things what you're ashamed of to a public forum is a foolish idea but I think as long as you can't be jailed for it and you aren't giving out too much information about yourself or your loved ones you're fine. I like doing it because It's a little challenging, whats more challenging is to confess such things to someone in real life which I'm not sure I'm up for quite yet. Funny because what you are all seeing here is pretty much the only self-help I do other than watch self-help videos on YouTube if that counts for anything. I'm still working on my should statements however, I guess the way to see if it works is by waiting to see if I become naturally drawn towards positively motivating myself to pursue healthier desires, I'm thinking I might mark a date that I'll start implementing a meditation habit or clean up my diet a bit. This might be me "putting the screws to myself" but I'm hoping that by releasing should statements I'll actually have more mental energy to actually stick to the practice this time rather than fall off after a short amount of time. That might sound a little crazy to some, the idea that releasing should statements frees you up with more energy to be productive, but I think I might actually have been a tiny bit more productive since doing this, at the very least I'm no less productive then when I was constantly moralizing to myself, on top of that I don't feel as bad about when I'm being a "bad boy" for engaging in low vibration activities. Life with should statements: "What I'm doing is so bad I shouldn't be doing this I'm so bad." But then I continue to do it and my neuroses multiplies. Life without should statements: "What I'm doing is bad but who cares if I do it I'm fine." I then continue to do it but I don't feel as bad about it. Furthermore I really don't think that the amount of "bad" things that I do has really changed at all. I do the same amount of low vibration activities but just don't feel as bad about doing them. So even if I where to end up being a lazy slob for the rest of my life I'd rather be a lazy slob who doesn't give a fuck than a lazy slob who's constantly in a battle with himself that leads him to the same place that the other more lax slob inhabits. Let it be known that I don't aspire to be a slob, so naturally I assume I will make attempts self-actualize and push myself similar to how I have done in the past, but maybe now the ego backlash won't be as bad because I'm fueled by positive motivation rather than negative motivation.

Meditation can help you understand what pain actually is.

Wow, maybe X was a type of lightworker who came here for a greater cause. Interesting.

you'll also pass out every time you sit up

This is just something that I wanna write real quick because I was rewatching Leo's video on collective egos and he mentions how a lack of transparency is something the ego needs to survive, thus far I've been trying to keep this journal about as transparent as I can. I have a pet turtle who I have given a very horrible life. I feel I deserve to get reincarnated as this turtle in my next life as punishment for the suffering I have inflicted upon it. I am a vegetarian as well, or that's what I tell people anyway. This turtle lives in a small, dirty tank most of the time, I feed him cheap food most of the time, and he doesn't get proper lighting most of the time. He's at my Mom's right now where my Dad takes care of him, he does a better job than me however he's still in a very small cage. It hurts me to write and admit to these things publicly.

funny thing with this last one is that the website is actually orange

@taleen yeah you can but you might get more replies on the relationship sub-forum. notice I'm the only one who replied to you and I just pointed you to another sub-forum because I don't really know how to handle the situation you're in. but someone in the relationship sub-forum can probably help you out.

@taleen I was only comparing it to Joseph Maynor's journal for a little while. I notice he posts a lot so I just wanted to see. Also no worries, I'm a bit arrogant and can easily convince myself that my journal is the best even if it's a bit lack luster compared to others. When I post on here I'm just trying to be honest about where I'm currently at and what I'm currently thinking. For me posting on here is personal development.

you might wanna try posting this in the relationships section of the forum https://www.actualized.org/forum/forum/3-dating-relationships-sexuality/

@Hero of Time I have listened to many hours of Peterson. He has exposed me to a lot of new interesting paradigms such as Jungian psychology. I also love Peterson's biblical lecture series.

That resonates with me so much. Thank you.

I don't think eating meat is wrong. I think criticizing veganism (the idea) is wrong. There are plenty of valid reasons to criticize vegan people however.

Let me hit ya'll with some honesty real quick, I have been getting more and more into this whole public journaling thing, to the point I come here and constantly check the view count on my thread and check for replies, yesterday I "bumped" it to the top with a picture I made. I compare my journal to others and now I want to have the best journal in town. I also must let you all know that I still haven't sat down for a 10 minute meditation session since revitalizing the journal. When I do you'll know because I'll tell you. It's important that anyone following the journal actually knows how much of an effort I'm putting in to changing myself, if it's zero effort they should know that as well. So yeah this is basically zero effort so far, maybe 0.1/100. I am however spending way more time on the forum, less time on 4chan, more time watching personal development videos, less time watching stupid shit. That's an upgrade in my eyes, I'm also exploring my creativity a bit as well, which my intuition and the universe has been trying to get me to do for a while but for whatever reason I was met with procrastination and resistance. Maybe what got me to finally do it was releasing should statements, maybe there was a big steaming pile of should in between me and happiness. Not to say I'm happy but I'm feeling okay, maybe just like 5% better. I'm not judging myself as much. Maybe a year goes by of me taking this low will powered, lazy approach to personal development and I get really fat. Okay fine, I can just try a more brute force approach instead now. Also maybe the should statements and self judgment is using up a lot of energy that I could be putting towards more productive things. Also I must say I'm bummed about the death of XXXTentacion he made mistakes and such but It's just sad to see someone so young die so suddenly, so much potential for growth and impact in that guy. I don't know if I've felt this way about a celebrity death since Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter.

Here is an interesting idea: We are always right and never wrong. Here's the thing, you're right until you're proven wrong, you aren't proven wrong the moment your logic is beaten by better logic, no, your logic gets beaten but then it's actually gotta sit in this state of being beaten where it's in denial of the whole thing, it frantically starts looking for proof that it isn't wrong, it can't find anything and then finally admits defeat after some time. I wonder if the admitting period is actually the moment your body gets use to this new paradigm rather than just your logical mind getting use to it (just an idea). Anyway, once you've finally admitted to being wrong you're actually right in that moment, you're right about being wrong, and furthermore being wrong only exists in the past you where wrong but now you are right. You now exist in the truth paradigm, but you always exist in the truth paradigm. It's just so weird. I don't know what the practical consequences of this idea are, I have some ideas, but actually this idea might be detrimental. I guess it's just another reminder that what we're looking for (Truth) exists here and now. Or maybe not idk, I think everything I just wrote might be a bunch of bullshit mental masturbation. This journal is just a type of creative outlet anyway.

@White Fine I'll participate I was wrong, the truth is that nothing is arbitrary.

everything is arbitrary

Lmao that's stage B L A C K E D It triggers me as well to some extent I guess but more from a cuckphobia pov. I can just imagine all the ways 4chan would make fun of this.