Shaun

I am afraid of reality and my fear can sometimes get so intense that the knowing of awareness just gets overlooked and I suffer mindlessly. It's the same reason I only managed 11 minutes of shamanic breathing because I can't surrender to suffering and be okay with it. I am not separate from existence but it doesn't seem to be under my control either so that scares me. I will add that this understanding is only intellectual and not yet experience as I'm not enlightened. More fear is revealed when I wake up. A fear of going insane and fear of the unknown.

There is no shit appearing on the screen of awareness as far as memory tells me. I wake up in the morning and I am aware of a deep existential fear because I have no idea what the fuck existence is or what it's plans are. As far as I know, when sleeping there is no fear unless I have a dream.

Suffering ends when I sleep as far as I know and it is perpetuated whenever I am harmed physically, or feel extreme fear. I've no control over it, it just is.

Not the consciousness one. Consciousness is aware of suffering.

Please understand that I am nowhere near the level of some on here. There is I awareness and there's all these thoughts and experiences which are Shaun. Everything comes and goes within that emptiness or awareness.

I guess I just can not understand away my pain yet.

Just now it would seem so, I find it difficult to live knowing that great suffering will be experienced. Not by Shaun but it will still happen.

That's what bothers me. I don't want to come back, I just want absolute emptiness. I don't want to come back and be raped, tortured or killed in a car accident. I want it to end.

I couldn't agree more, if that I that suffers would just get to fuck then there's no problem.

It's very difficult to while not knowing what is coming. I see the war, and violence and it could be my turn to suffer that next.

This life is fine, I have a job and I don't physically suffer, but the next life? That could be a whole other story.

Understanding and peace.

That's an assumption.

In my experience, it does. All I wanted in life was sex and if I didn't get it by 35, I was going to give up and kill myself. Now after delving deeper into nonduality, being a virgin doesn't matter at all to me anymore. All I am doing is surviving, meditating and contemplating. Take action to change stuff if you can, if you can't change it, accept it to the best of your ability.

One thing I'd like to add is that people on here assume that just because I can't see an object that is for example, in another room, it doesn't exist or is not real. Whether or not it is still there are assumptions. A camera can't see the photographer operating it, but there is still a photographer.

@Mikael89 What horrifying stuff have you experienced if you don't mind sharing? Were these horrifying things in psychedelic trips? @Paul92 I am not sure of anything yet as I haven't had any profound experiences so far, but one thing is possible in all these infinite possibilities, god managed to create entities more intelligent than itself called humans who can actually look at child abuse or whatever else and see that it is indeed totally fucked up no matter which way you look at it.

Nonduality is the truth on which most religions are based. The issue we face here is that a discussion about nonduality isn't really possible as those practising it can't agree on the colour of shit. You can only do the practice yourself and discuss it in the meantime.

Exactly, it can't just be mine alone. That seems absurd like Shiva denying his screen and keyboard.

"By being absolutely selfless you become all the individual selves" I just heard that as I was listening to his video about it. So there must be individual selves right now but that all collapses if enlightenment happens.

It doesn't seem to add up. God is utterly infinite and is experiencing everything in every possible way. Why then assume that god just looks through my eyes alone? That's not really experiencing everything.

It could be but then that comes under solipsism which is not the same as nonduality and it trips a lot of people up. I'd also assume that you could see your screen and keyboard otherwise how would you have responded?

I just want the cycle to end, it's driving me insane and I feel totally trapped and helpless. I just want to be pure empty void with no joy or suffering. I wish the materialist paradigm was correct, living under that understanding was truly joyful and magical but now I see that it doesn't stand up to scrutiny . Every day for me was a wonder and I was thankful. Now I have infinity days. Fuck that. You also talk about "we" and "others" But Shaun is the only thing there is!

That's what frightens me to no end. Who knows what horrors lie in potential within consciousness? Shit like the human centipede or Saw are actually happening for real as well as other horrors which you can't possibly imagine. The possibilities are endless and that means that suffering and joy beyond anything that can be imagined is possible. It is also possible that enlightenment is no escape from that stuff and you will just be made unenlightened again to suffer all that shit forever. Rupert Spira and other teachers never consider this, they have this rosy eyed view of nonduality and haven't actually gone deeper.

Today I tried shamanic breathing using Leo's technique. I wanted to manage 15 minutes but could only manage about 11 before the tingling became overwhelming and I curled up in the fetal position moaning. Both hands felt huge and my right hand stopped working completely and would not respond to any input, it would just slowly move and twitch. For a brief moment I felt the passion for life I once had before I started delving deeper into nonduality but it soon faded. I wish I could find who is resisting and suffering. I can't find who or whatever it is that suffers yet it suffers hugely. I wish I could drop all resistance and do the practice properly. There is no resister yet there is extreme resistance. How can that be transcended?

Every single night I dream and these dreams are very vivid and I understand that they are no more or less real than my waking experience. The dreams frighten me and I wake up every morning scared of reality itself and I see no point in existence other than my family. They and enlightenment work are my only purposes now and I have no idea what the heck is going to happen when I die, I fear that I will remanifest in an existence of great suffering like someone living in Syria for instance. The sheer immensity of existence and knowing all the suffering which others in this dream are going through utterly overwhelms me. Is there any way to find therapists with a nondual understanding in the UK healthcare system? I want the therapist to understand deeply what I am going through and I don't think a mainstream therapist would be able to help much.