KosmicGeng

28 seconds till blocked test, now 15

To contemplate on the epsiodes, my biggest upsides of maturity and what leverages my maturity usually is when I have a lot of time to prepare for my health, and I can just eat proper meals for now, that I can feel a sense of accomplishment finishings projects continuing with a success journal and a gratitude journal, cleaning-up notes or interconnecting them, that I am always on time besides there is a serious issue of health, or some background psychological problem I had in the past, burn-out just being overworked from not having A.I as a research tool, getting no time for movement, small compliments of things I did not really have a solution besides to take the complaint, and walk 10000 miles, after to many life breaking events, it's not easy to deal with death early, or in ones mid-twenties, I can reflect on the experience, but most importantly there was not much maturity I learned from Leo to beginn with, most came just exercising and taking care of health, and getting away from the fun and adventure and enjoying my own introverted solo adventure types of stories, new friends I made where I felt there is intimacy, being open-minded about other peoples development, but letting them not to close. What I recently faced was a lot of the nazification in tech, where a lot of young men, were just in for it for the hype and greed, while I learned to love it, and was partially depressed, as I could generate so little meaning, when I contemplate further what it takes to be a mature man, I should''ve never followed Leo Gura, and continued to read books, as I decided very early, I am going to my my own role model, and there are very few men that inspire me nowadays, the points about Trump are accurate, but most post-modern liberals also went haywire with their complaints while we in Europe made a lot of memes, and thought America is still a decent place, and there is finally hope for humanity with all the issues of diversity we face here in Germany, I also have never seen so many news of murder, idk I feel like my collective pain-body contributes to it, but only due to the issue of the scar and the pain of the break-up, there is also a deep part of me being willfully ignorant, I was faced with that a lot, I will contemplate later a bit with ChatGPT and continue to do the shadow work exercises, as there are just some parts of it, that I saw with maturity in relationships, where it was to much about fun and adventure, and a lack of planning, and I was so overworked caring about everything and being responsible I did not even notice it was to late, the person did not care, she only cared about the sex and my dick and I never thought women would be that shallow, my whole life I had to deal with the perspective women are these deep beautiful creatures, while most of the depth I experienced was me penetrating her with my vision, but with so many constant changes, it was not easy and I was easily pushed into the man of 0 as well as the point of serious considerations of suicide, due to the issue of not feeling loved, facing new information about what happend within my family, my father from being small having a gun pointed at his head, from my american grandma idk why she did that she passed away 3 years ago and still was a very loving human.... more loving then my german counter-parts who're more entrenched in their survival, imo the biggest fear I faced in recent years, was just moderation and finding things that allow for temperance that might seem a bit more unorthodox for others, I was deeper into integrating more authentic self-love, but I meet a lot of scammers and trolls even on this website, some stuff I have to figure out on my own, but my biggest issue was the super high expectations of myself to myself of being mature, and not being a little bit more temperate about the whole process, taking more notes, making the process of development more enjoyable weeding out the old problems, sticking to what is enjoyable, as I have to be spontaneously mature the whole time and learn on the whim and on the go, due to survival pressure and the hidden games my family played with money, it only bit them and me in the ass, it's the stupidest thing, I often do better with money even in debt now, then I can even believe, most who have money trauma even Leo, as his life story is similar to the ex of mine loosing electricity and such is a huge immature, nefarious projection, and somehow only the top scientist at the university were able to protect me from that and engage in a more authentic display of emotions, but I did not have the scientific knowledge and maturity to outright join, and they were able to deal with immaturity en masse, as they have to deal with it each semester some new juvenile, young and naive person, I would also not call a person right away immature but naive, but everyone takes offense at different things. What I can see the most is some of the things I'd call mature and other called mature, was the reading of books, taking notes, self-improvment and self-help, working on becoming a leader doing retreats etc. taking care of health, but as soon as I became more financiall succesful without the classical types of DW archetypal success and my own IW archetype being active with investments, deals and how they call it "honorless money" I simply enjoyed the luck and energy, but soemhow the collective projection made it difficult to share anything of it and to enjoy and have a nice time, I even scaled the money I had left, as very little was even given to me, it was just the perception and my anger of the extremeties of the unknown, unsupervised learning with a serious scientist with over 10000k citations and publications (if I am not wrong with what I looked up), was and is definitely was more genuient than the experience of being strangled by money and the uncertainity of it, some things were just the nefarious projections where in the end I felt left alone and people misjuged character and I ran into a self-fullfilling prohphecy of bullies, assholes, and straight up the illest forms of intentions a human can have the more I learned from Sadghuru, as it's just focused on pure destruction, and there is no strand left of any positive, conscious good will or capital G Good will that is conscious, just destruction, it's not the Rajas type of uncertainity a monkey has, that I found out via BaZi and Tarot that this is significant to me, but mostly the core point of unresaonabillity and behind that being a sign of brilliance is to more Tamas/Crocodilic people immature while that sloth, and lazyness is one of the worst types of intentions one can have, while the restlesness often times is just not energy put to use, due to confusion etc. The point of cheating in the video, I post another video below about dating, I never manipulated and lied in the relationship, small passive aggressive lies eventually mostly around time and meeting friends, as I am not naturally that social I often declined instead of meeting up with some friends or steadily going to concerts etc. I also never cheated on her, and we made it a clear point that it's fine to consume pornography as I had very little issue of that, and I deleted my tinder and other dating apps very quickly the mother loved my maturity to beginn with, but I found out they were massively corrupt, and I have to work myself out now of this situation and get some help, I really crave just some good sleep and reading in bed, the episode showed me I had the willingess to do where Leo would be like "yuck" what a boring asshole, and these comments get to me in time, but alone I often had support of a diverse set of group of friends, the I-Ching book I have in German, also holds tremendous wisdom I forgot, most of all I should stay clear of the forum, most progress and development is not lost, and I should just block it take my time follow my path do what is right and find solutions via Most of my reading and work fell on deaf ears, and engaging with people as I wanted to be a therapist when I was younger, as I enjoyed the spiritual purification and the maturity and recognition also, especially also feeding self-transendence needs and putting people there, even in very f*ed scenarios was a key pointer, but somehow the whole idea of agape and evolution pulled me more towards software engineering, and the whole point of equanmity, to be in pure equanimity for me is the pinnacle of maturity and responsibility, not "response" - "abillity" alone, but to have a way that is equanemous and deeply masterful or akin to god-like leadership in these scenarios that just leaves humans with a sense of profundity, the backlash most often is envy, but equanimity is a very strong leadership principle and energetic state desireable. I will most likely set-up some time blockers to not be on the forum, I have now enough interconnected tools and journals to not need this, and I socially do quite well, it really depends on the perspective, and I am somewhat over the shadow of TIER II networking, but also crave a bit of fun, I have to think this properly through often times, just some food and tea at night already makes me more mature then 99.9% and I can still dish out 2-4 h of extra work, as long as my systems don't shoot themselves up, be warned! 😮 I will restrict this website today, and take some measures to simple work harder and be more responsible there are some core things I don't agree with that somehow is tainted deeply be Leo's envious nature, and I don't really see behind it, by every type of information I consumed I should actually stay the heck away from this guy, or at best observe and learn from the "frenemy", but I am mostly gone now and will resort to different types of help, I had also spiritual breakthroughs with astrology, often times I find the perspective here are tainted by the modernist, atheitistc viewpoints that now thanks to Elon, Peter Thiel and Trump have become nazified to some extend, I meet enough "nazis" to be able to even see behind and inside of them the core issues is not even them, but the blind masses not seeing how they contribute the most to this collective shoot out of who is the most conscious & mature, and imo Leo contributed heavily to it, with some video tantrums, it just feeds into the collective... being equanemous is a pure gift... I miss it... just taking care of health generates enough I am out, thanks for everything!! I am going to post less and restrict the site to very late hours and keep viewing the site to a minimum of 2-5 minutes. I fucked around to much with actualized.org, the most type of values is I get from contemplating the videos, and finding some offline source to take notes and write down my stuff. This is nice to be a bit social, but I already would've ended my life last year, as I have some very deep seated points about society, that got to me or eventually is just in my D.N.A as my grandma american pulled a gun to my fathers head for some time? and he was in the military and the war is getting to me, I would've been gone, also to the dipshitness at times this community and even the mods are, especially sincerity is someone I vehemently hate for what I experienced in europe, and I simply have to go and find a place, I hate such humans simply, because they have everything handed to them and simply can't even understand some very deep parts of consciousness and imo Leo misread some of my posts, and I even went deeper then I thought, I also found new gurus or teachers and mentors, where I can even be more clean, especially about health, and not be as rigid anymore I am still grateful, but this forum is just not really it for me, I had a way deeper trajectory, I still would love at times to hang-out with Leo or at least spend some time, but it's similar with the first women I loved, at best love such people from a distance, they underestimate their impact vehemently and so do I at times. I leave this here, will be mostly gone, but somewhat also active.

I did not get in it's entirety to watch the episode, there are some core overlaps with the energy of Geng-Shen, just using astrology as a scaffold to build more character and to work with it as I disagree with some information that I find, I am convinced that Leo is against manifestation, and has some issues with people who yearn to be better then him, and encourages it partially, but at times the stubborness and the toxicity of him in the past was to much, it ruined parts of my relationship learning from him, but now I am in this scenario, some relationship examples from him personally I would've never done that, but I am also often open to work such things out, I listend to the audiobook "non-violent communication" but the more I do this, I am pulled into the same upwards stream of consciousness, a.i, statistics, prevention etc. and I feel souless after a time and crave some type of adventure, I should take adventure also as a value again mixing it with gene-keys but a more conscious adventure at that. I am also very good with money and a good saver, but after what happend, and what I've gotten into I have to see how I push my advantages, most courses I did, were good material, I now know more but I have to refine it overtime, and extract the information and work, monitor and test and integrate with a.i as an auditing tool, I don't get that much time for my body unfortunately. A lot of things also broke, where I inveseted in false quality, instead of buying something a bit smaller and robust, but I learned... I often find strange alternatives that work for me, but I am out of my flow and consistency for now I am considering blocking a few things, as I can get a lot of work done, and study and interconnect a lot, but I am also at the end of almost ending my life, last year I would've shot myself on my birthday, simply because I had so much hope and intuition about making the relationship work, and I was utterly dismissed and I am often loved for qualities that I don't enjoy as much in myself, it's a huge issue for me, they just see the physicality, the health and the success when I have it or the consciousness from mentioning I do meditation and I go with serious teachers, to the extend my body can tolerate it etc. I tried also kriya yoga etc. but mindfulness, Shinzen Young, parts of Deepak Chopras work (his visualizations really get me deep into samadhi states), I did Ralstons body work solo mixing it from what I could integrate from Shinzen, but I had such strong energies around me I also need time to dispell them, so I often dance and move and listen to music a bit or calm down and read, or write some longer journal entries, now here. I am watching the maturity part again, I still have to explore more survival in order to see what is immature and what people are about, I mostly knew what I am about, but the maturity part is coming now, I also enjoy flourishing and it will take some time to go back there, but I have to repell partially humans that are like Leo to me Leo is also a very immature person when I started following him, I had better guidance around me to mature more fully into survival, now I am here with the open-mindedness, there was still an ideological part that fits and hitted my soul to a core, relationship success was a hallmark of maturity for me. I usually had a very high work ethic and it took a lot of me to be where I was and at, even a higher maturity imo what Leo represents I was personally feed-up with the whole game thing and not having a seriosu presentable relationship, was most of my enviroment was suggesting that with the neccessary space, also to express ones inner child, but there was also a type of immaturity and things I had to learn via the relationship courses for e.g some type of co-dependency and dependency is normal, instead of only interdependence, independence and absolute autonomey (not even being in the same space for e.g, but working on a craft etc.) I had burn-out, burn-on, I often feel I am misperceived falsely, the people that quack about being mature seem highly immature to me, as they go out to party and festivals, while I was doing meditative work, and psychdelic work at times, I don't quite know what to think I continue watching and play some games on the side, to write down the full effort, I mostly contemplate with A.I, as I also did and consumed a lot of audiobooks, knowledge and courses, that fall flat on some ears, it's similar to the company I worked for I call them the "MM's" to stick with initials a guy reminded me of what Leo could be, he was very mature, was there from the start of the company, had a very strong and mature personality, was very good in business, but had an overweight girlfriend, was overweight himself, lacked care about health, simply pushed through, but was impartial and compassionate, but he sacrificed his needs or viewpoints of beauty for this typical "ibliss or fire monkey" type girlfriend, I just call the "Gestalt" as I currently see it or them. Going to write a longer comment afterwards I am still contemplating and doing some things, as I see very strong bias from Leo for what I went through and I suffered vehemently I have a very negative opinion of him, and he is at times like a Tamas type of Lucifer soul, that is not funny to others, and I heavily dislike this projection, but I have to work this out, it's not as evil as I make him look, but he enjoys bashing on this Rajas type that I see more with tarot, as it builds me maturity in terms of character, as I can't craft my body as well anymore, I can gain insight, unfortunately I can't meditate as much, but I write a story soon to contemplate and change some things.

For me it's not so much about age but I prefer younger women -7-10 years max and 1+2 year older then me max, but maturity, also beauty and similar interests or values that overlap, I did a course from integral and just recovered my account and I am mulling over some things, as I still have the mindmap etc. I drew right in front of me, I had close to everything what I wanted in the ex, there were just two factors that completely killed the relationship, she smoked tobacco occassionaly and had family as a value, which is more hostile to me, after a while as there is often a lack of re-investment in the family that we create and a focus only on her perspective of a family, which is just often the perspective of social reproduction or "I feel emotional about having kids, so I want them", while I see it as a way bigger risk, and many women put me into that frame, as soon as I do well, they just crave kids from me like idk wtf is wrong with them, and I never wanted children. I faced some serious issues with this, as imo my maturity is often misjuged, and I care and cared a lot about integrating it, otherwise I would've not worked with so many ph.d's in a row, it's not so easy to find mature humans, generally speaking. I for sure enjoy some things around video games etc. that are less mature, my largest issue have been all of the smoking cigarettes and alcohol, where I have to put a limit now on never touching these things again, never ever, eventually cannabis is fine, but I have been hijacked and let myself be hijacked about health a lot of times. Most women I meet or have meet online have some type of secret or deal breaker, I lost all hope in even dating a women, before I had sex, because most healthy and integrated women, benefitted way more from a conscious family, while I have to deal with a two times divorced mother, she was left after 12 years and got cheated on by some tall piece of shit, after I accepted him with loving compassion into the "family" I hold that construct very loosely, and now she has a new boyfriend at her age, and it all depended on my success, it's digusting how women cling to men for status, I hate it my entire f***ing life, but there is nothing I can do, it's beneficial in a relationship, but if women groom your emotional system your entire life, for the physical and monetary status you provide for them, you can clearly see how they treat men as a toy, and at one point you do the same to them, or you have loving-compassion for yourself, and see through the whole scenario, with "lights-eyes". It depends most women really want to build something around that age, but are to immature and don't get enough ressources from their family, I had close to everything handed to me, but I re-invested into education, as I valued it highly, but it did not make me attract a stable partner at all, and I still yearn to go out and celebrate my own life, as I had to little of that, especially alone, but I also agree the attention and loving attention from younger women feels better, I don't know I just looked that I did the relationship courses, online-dating courses etc. but most of my results still come from photos, and intuitive insights, just my looks and career capital or opportunities, while I also attract a lot of "women wanting to be saved", I have quite a negative view about dating, even when I am hopeful, but I have to see I still require experience, a beautiful girl asked me out, but I am at wits end with the whole scenario about relationships, I put so much effort and work into preparing myself, most women have no idea about their values, just see the extrinsic value of a guy, chest muscles, car, house, socialbillity and that is fundamentally it and career and fitness. I would require a more loving experience from a women, meanwhile I am doing parts of loving myself more with compassion, but my compassion is very sharp and caused a white light type of state, so I don't really know my practice creates different results from what people expect, and it generally notches me or pegs me up a bit higher, I really dislike the scenario, I had to stop also a lot of intellectual work, and work on myself, as I just did not find enough people I could meet eye to eye, and I am still somewhat at the same space. I stop here my issues go very far, I don't know if I will ever resolve them, till now I get very little out of love and compassion out of relationships so I have to see.

Rewatchting this: I should love things more to death, but I had a lot of kryias, I took a lot of notes back then. Sort of mixing the two videos.

Was able to do 25 minutes, but hell I am in one hell of a survival situation, I sort of knew at one point it's impossible to not mix survival with spirituality, as survival will creep in, even with luxury etc. I am pretty much convinced Leo is wrong about this, at times he is to hardcore about good, and to lenient in a way, idk what is "wrong", but it just seems there is a huge "shadow" about relationships and survival, where consciousness practices are just mixed survival and relationships, and it's easy to spiritually bypass, while at best, you meditate take action and reflect, some meditative practices like the shinzen one, already includes healing trauma to some extend, or just getting to the root of an issue, some push more towards god, but it can make one to aloof, I had this issue recently anyhow I stop and watch the survival episode again from Leo.

Let's see if I can get back to 25 minutes of meditation, there are some small changes that should swap over, but ultimately it's been an issue to break some underlying habits and actions, especially being attracted as a liberal to post-modern women, and just being very open-minded pulls a lot of time away from my intellectual endeavours. There are some principles of manifestation and the issue of not finding any time anymore for retreats, it all has to be spontaneous, even when I plan things out my plans have not worked for years, only steady improvement and looking for the devil in the detail, listening to my body, but these obstructions have been massive, just small things that help me people are vying over, and they are just pestering me for some reason, I can't really tell it's uncontrolled curiosity, I am drinking one more coffee and then I go about the meditation, I can only rebuild myself so quickly, I am still shocked the hypnosis for stopping to smoke helped more than the actual book I've read the principles are the same, but I never felt so good to not smoke, and to say not to alcohol, I should absolutely let go of chasing women, when I was out solo just once, two blonde women were eying me, I just should socialize and be more calm and peaceful, and not drink, and eventually get some time to fuck, the world is already so corrupt, a couple of nights ago I would've almost pulled a "hoe" she was just out of an unsuccesful date behind a tree and make her give me a blowjob, then this crazy russian showed up shirtless screaming for cigarettes at me, I just walked past, ready to defend myself crazy world...

From what I read in Chateu Heartise this is the exact age where the self-esteem of most women is the most inflated, as her fertility also peaks around this point and they can receive children without any type of complications, if you're in the top 10% of men, you can easily get the most fertile and healthy women around this time, dating women in their early 20's I have little experience, I peaked quite high via potential and was somewhere in the mid-range of top 20-30% of men, on some days I eventually peaked the top 10%, by just potential not actual happenstance, as I worked as an a.i architect as a working student and with exercising and lifting again, I quickly pulled a decent amount of women, but also repelled a couple. Sex is the easiest way a women will bait you, I had the exact same experience with the ex, she always called me when she was horny and lonely, and I do very well alone, at times I just cry out my depression or do some exercising or distract myself with something, but she practically abused these time slots for "quality time" relationship, but we had very little in common, she did not really teach anything, and imo this is the worst part of women even if they seem integral or more aware, they are very bad at giving any type of educational reference experience, you're just pushed into the superior man, the man of 0, or you're just left in this "beta-zone" I dislike the term beta, but I use it here to make a point, about being just normal, as I see most of this to some degree as normal. Not going out, not being the be all end all from the get go, I am not very good at coaxing, I am very blunt, which pushes my attraction range to women where I later find out, they enjoy the strong dominance side of things, I also am sort of prone towards enjoying hot and deluded women, who're just very wild in their feminine, but it's not properly tamed, and my core character has been defined by post-modern and at best integral edges, till I pushed ahead, it's all good as long as I lead a girl. It's also good for a man to have some type of impossible belief about himself, that he is the best or the greatest and leverage that, but to put away violence, I was forced into some dark places, due to the extremeties of how I perceive dating, being naturally very atheltic, but injured for life, so a lot of nefarious tendencies I see in others, where I can clearly tell if this goes on, especially also in men, who're deeply insecure about their body, generally I at times tend to attract them, I have problems and at times very dark thoughts about my body, but I am not insecure about my body for example. Women in their 20's generally have less bagage the real reality hits them when they turn 30 often, as the rose-red tainted glasses come off, often times they played their chances with the rising star, or they betrayed and cheated, because they think they deserve more, some of women not many, but many who're in this modern independent women type of hype, and yes I am prone to dating such women, and being in their "weaves", so to speak as I had to deal with a lot of feminine manipulation, that just somewhat get's out of our family now, but I doubt it will happen till my mother finally dies, as she is from her typology a master manipulator, and quiet satanic, even if she is a good human to some degree, the level of manipulation based on body language is surreal, but she also has been abused by men, who lack boundaries and see women just as tools not even toys, but just tools for satisfaction etc. If you have more options it's easy to be aloof and go to the next women, till you find someone that actually matches, most women in their 20's and most likely 30's are not relationship material anymore, the whole nuclear family thing, seems quite fucked, you really need to be more advanced and have family support, as most are stuck in the underbelly of modern/ethnocentric perceptions, there are some solutions I see, but I also have to solve this scenario that I am in, eventually this is insightful for you.

That is not true, it's only a perspective of post-modern role-reversal and self-defensive pattern, often a DARVO pattern, deny attack reverse offender, you can also play vulnerbale and accept that, I wrote with feminists who write big in their profile "fuck the patriarchy" and just go about how I am not one of them only to validate their worldview, and be vegan and safe the world, often times these women are nutcases and stuck in ethnocentric forms of post-modernism, men inherently have more value then women, but I know the frame and emotional pain to well, I often also misperceive, due to the social dynamics that this underbelly or underheart I often call it creates, but imo men have more value then women. You can also play along, but often times I found my self-esteem to be dwindling, and it just causes a beta or cuckhold perspective, where I thought it does not feel well to be emmasculated, and getting to a more genuient masculine energy, can also be an issue among men in my experience, it's an issue for e.g orange men groups turned red quickly to get women, and they blew-up the whole group and got it banned, when I was in an integral men group from integral itself, it felt very good to share experiences, and typical men problems and go for solutions, and solve more from the root, but I find the women sort of pushed the men away, and it's very exhausting for a man to hold such a group. That is why I watch a lot of Orion Taraban, a trained psychologist that can help with men problems is better than for e.g a spiritual guy leading a man group, as often the shadow of the post-modern stage creeps up, I noticed this when I did a lot of calculus recently, and there was just this underbelly of envy of men, of knowledge = power, so I demonize you like a women subtely and just downplay your problems in order for me to feel better, if a man regresses to often into this stage which I find with older men at 40+ can easily happen, (Leo mostly excluded I see smth. else often that also touches some points in my familiy and with the ex), so often your left to your own devices, with A.I or if your lucky one good friend, that can help you. After my break-up which was very odd I immeditately jumped into dating, as the pool just opened randomly and the relationship was already over, it was very hostile as she was not very supportive and just out for my success like a fake chief, just judging you on behaviour while excusing their own behaviour and especially past behaviour and hiding a lot of baggage, idk it's difficult, and she already broke-up before, but wanted to meet and I sort of followed my intuition and what I could source from Deida, but in the end it turned out she is a fake luciferic type of soul, it was a mistake to be that passionate in a relationship. I will never date and be out with a women who is typical to this and runs an achievment drive, it's close to impossible to get the judgement function out of her, and it breaks the process towards exellence and brilliance, and often such people feel diminished in the light of success of this different type of drive, and act like isolated machos or feminine version of a macho, where she just inflats her self-esteem and prides herself in all of the glory the deficieny needs and regressive post-modern view has created idk. My take and perspective, but imo men have more value then women, just different types of value women have more value in certain areas, so do men, but overall I'd say men have more value to society then women, if it's not framed in terms of reproduction, etc.

There is a benefit to attuning to the enviroment, for a certain time, eventually I can get a 30 min meditation again done, so I am moving forward again with my meditative practices, as well as my efforts to meditate while being in action, I should turn off music more often, but meditate with music, to attune more properly to the enviroment, my hearing senses are very good, I seldom make use of them, and people abuse it for some reason, they intuit it, because I am usually very quiet.

It's definitely better to have some strength workout, but at times the jealous undercurrent of these russian boys around me is just causing some type of deep genetic envy, idk what the fuck is wrong, I had also a weird altercation recently with a russian guy just trying to prove himself without a disregard for life, it's very odd and strange to me, I notice a lot of intuitve fear for this pointless power drive, there is just a disregard for life, and a fake hostile manipulative mage like second persona, idk I just close windows at this point and stop focusing on the guy they sort of take my progress and uplift themselve of the energy it's odd my energy is not repellant enough

I feel fundamentally better, but there are still some issues I want to workout with A.I, I get some support, but some issues have been very deep, and part of it also is due to actualized.org, and the enviroment it is, but if the enviroment outside of me is as bad as actualized.org it's also an issue. Most of it comes down to health and decent food, some stuff I don't really know how to get around, due to the new psychology I found with BaZi etc. and my high sex drive and the psychology of my chart, and the new found insights, I can't be as riggidly planned anymore, I can setup new systems and check if they work, but if I don't get some exercise or I masturbate in the morning, there is to much energy to do stuff, and then I have to clean my body, but I really have to get out some stress, I broke all of my toys with my stupid oversized cock, but in the end it's one of the best ways to get away from the performative stress, it has some draw backs, but I can't live a more pure life if I attract weird people, I hope I demanifest with the gratitude practice that I do, but for now I am out.

Stubborn, isolated and head strong in a weakening state for a day master some of these characteristics fit my aunt, good food mostly helps me, but these people are also partially fucked about food from my pov, and have a very disgusting attitude that I saw when I did a retreat for the first time, also about my normal needs, they become so fucking jealous it's disgusting

Don't really know what to say, I have to deal with the stupidity of this hoarding bolshevistic mentallity and fear of survival, in white people, and the exheredation case, and a lot of this stupid Yi-Chou karma, where these people act like the most immature people, something is fundamentally partially fked about them, and they are highly manipulative and dismissive, I am working things out with my mother, but this person and my aunt has been an absolute hell, when it comes to clarity in finances and we have to suck it up, for her in order to play her billionair lifestyle with a billionair as a lesbian with 10000 dogs, what a fucking heartless cu**.

I am back up, I am still having some issues with some habits and the enviroment around me, doing small things that absolutely annoy me, so I can't sleep or it just blocks success, for e.g smoking at night into my window so my entire appartement smells like smoke, children playing at night as this place is overpopulated with them, and a lot of small things that annoy me since I was small, I often then have to close everything and take a hit for my health, but I sleep badly and require stimulants. I just put some cold water into my face, I am facing infrastructure issues, ever since this constant competition for ressources happens, and just no break with this constant growth mindset of boomers, and progress etc. It's odd, but yes that little trick helps I do have to remind myself, currently I fix a lot of things last minute due to stress. I can't get a routine going if constantly the infrastructure breaks and I had a gf, that pushed these issues also forward, into "man/women power" where I can clearly see for most it's about money, not even friendship or relational aspect, and even that often is an extraction for knowledge for relation which for Ji-Si becomes, especially problematic etc. It can't be "being" I notice it in myself, if I don't have fun in a relationship or with someone it will just fade out, so I often focus more on the relational aspect of fun & joy, I just put that back on my visionboard yesterday. I feel better to go about, 1h to 30 min meditation sessions after quitting smoking, the hypnosis was so powerful similar to the start of the LP course, I am suprised I have 0 urges whatsoever, I will relax a bit, I am still very beleagured by the issue of the lethargy the enviroment causes me, as I have to act to swiftly in order to avoid nasty triggers, and the whole let's blame the tall guy or the neighbour dynamic and the new wisdom I read in the I-Ching, of honoring your left as nobel, but there is nothing nobel about it, so I honor the nothingness and the absence of nobility as nobel while not being entrenched in it.... very good... it works and I feel better it's stupid to engage with someone so hostile, who smokes cigarettes with his gf. Anyhow I will get started after a while, the situation is still as bad as it seems, and there is a lack of help here, since they make it to much about money or time, even when I ask for help, I still need to get some stuff out of my system if my consistency and momentum is hurt, and steadily go for alternatives, it slows me down, but there is no other way, as other ways weird things just happen around me, and I am tired of these empathy drive-bys and people asking constantly for help or weird things that happen after meditation. There is more I could write as I saw how christian faith meet islamic faith after I had a meditation session, and I thought it was insane how the islamic people without any church etc. almost had to resort to a demonic like faith, and could not sit like zen, it felt like their entire fear went into the practice to uphold a community not to work on the self, it was odd like two religions at war, while I was the middle men after that session just observing, what the hell is going on.

There have been matriarch socities and I have been in an inheritance case were this was practically an exheredation, due to a lack of proper management and expectations of presenting any evidence of will, making everything a secret and handling things behind ones back, instead of providing clarity and evidence, a small social dynamic allows for matriarch tendencies, I experienced this quite often, there is a benefit to the nature of women being more emotional and "compassionate", but there are a lot of hostile tendencies, if you ever grew up with mostly women, What the user @AION wrote is not really about matriarchy, but mostly about commitment, and the men in this case had more power, as it would technically be money v.s sex, I've been to men groups, and therapist both have value, the men group was better, but only if it was a larger group, a group with friends etc. where I knew someone had no benefit to me, mostly if I got to know someone new and their problems in order to relate in a different way, a therapist was good for different reasons, but it only allowed me to stablize myself after this exheredation case, as there was a very deep manipulative nefarious tendency that corrupted my survival without there being any good reason to do any of it, it was a horror to deal with this manipulative stage green/post-modern frame of and undercurrent of men are to blame for everything, just be super stoic and have no emotions, young men have no value, hence you have no power and no say about the choices you make in life, that is the underlying perception and actions that they take, if you would not play their game, there would not even be a chance to get anything back, but vehemently this role & power reversal at stage green, can cause a lot of lazy and haphazardly handled relationships, I am mostly out of the dynamic, but parts of it are still active, as it was meet with the sheer ignorance and the death of close family members also costed them, but there was a lack of masculine clarity handling anything about ressources, just very childish and immature matriarchal emotional tendencies of outburst of emotions in power, and role reversals. My experience is very different, I can see that no matriarchy exists, but also the emotional and relational manipulation game women play in order to extract power & ressources out of men, and justfy their behaviour, as they really can't be victims, as they always have been victims, and a lot of rationalizations. I was not fortunate enough to meet healthy women, when I acted more healthily and planned things out in the end it lead to betrayl and cheating for taking on responsibility, as I could not see the last relationship was with a nut case, that only goes for status and money, even when I did my best with my meditative practices and skills to see the upside, I was to harsh on myself and should've pulled myself out of the relationship, most women I dated are not worth building a relationship with, as I now have an issue with the extraction of ressources, and only more mature women, or women from countries that act more relational and not as extractive seem to make sense, otherwise I would just use the time for sexual exploration and sex, and stage purple type of needs. There is more I could write, but this is more then enough, a quality women you will not find in a nightclub, I don't even know where to currently find them, I dated a few more quality women, but it did not end-up in a relationship or lay.

Alright I contemplated stuff with ChatGPT, and Obsidian & Notion, I can pretty much test and link everything, now it's time to get out of the situation, idc if I will get out unscathed, but I should focus my prime time on becoming who I wanted to be, but tbh I am a bit lost to what I want, as I see a lot of traps, and I thought some stuff would be solutions such as: Generating an abundance of women, through dating & online-dating Working in a tech-field wiill automatically guruantee abundance Focusing on meditation & health will automatically create abundance Not reading enough and taking notes, especially at night or overtime Using A.I and new tools to generate new income Listening to my intuition The whole point is I am not utilizing it in a way that is properly self-enforcing and I should take more notes on my current changes and intuitions either here, or with the new obsidian journal I have and just push most stuff to obsidian, it's the best tool, I've used to far and I imagined, also using when I get older to simply connect more knowledge, but I am going to bed right, now I talked enough to GPT, it rated the session also 90/100. It's good to get some numerical value or evidence back, to see if the session was good, the core point is still enviromental design, idfk if I should pull the entire structure into obsidian, or leave it till now, I am still figuring out the tool, the core point is priorities and health, and some stuff I can't really put my finger on, I expanded my value set with 2 values, and found one old intention, I have to see what I can do now, I fucked up some stuff, I now might need or not to interconnect. I don't know if I will reach my potential after the injury as it pushed me strongly, but I can still leverage knowledge, notes, connections, enchantments, divine inspiration and meditation etc. retreats to live a fantastic life, I scheduled video games to a 3h session on sunday, so I can do some depth training, as my mind interconnects a lot when I meditate and I am sort of up-scaling and down-scaling a few things.

Alright, let's focus on the core aspects here, as I sort of at times need a break from what I am doing, my core issue considerations are the following, to never drink alcohol again, as my father and imo my mother both had serious issues with it, and I quite frankly had the psychosis, due to the intake of alcohol, I never reacted so badly, and can usually use it spiritually, but I got to much into the energy, and the underlying "buzz/high" that elevates parts of my consciousness, after reading also Deidas work on it and being a viking and transmutting it, but it does not fit the athlete mind I created and build. I wrote a comment to the ex's brother, for fun I had to cry a bit, as the brothers are very different from the girl, and they are not touched by this ibliss consciousness and they fundamentally only deserve my best, but the ex's lifestyle habits simply corrupted me and it was not enough, I was peaking again, and took someone who was unable to help me grow, and just wanted to stablize, while I was manuvering both, as it was the neccessity of the cirumstance to be flexible, studying, working and socializing practically with new friends etc. I wish the circumstance would've ended differently, not just cutting off information, imo she did not trust and betray the last meet-up we technically had, and I had to realize how much I value my health, I have to consider some serious stuff now, in order to figure out, what I do with my life and move forward with tech & health, especially as I found all information to go about stuff, but it will take a while to fix all of this, there is a decent amount of debt, I consciously accumulated, yet I have to make a decision, and get rid of the alcohol, and create more time for doing with what I love in terms of studying, I will speak with GPT, and post some results after I play another game, I am sort of at the end, of I could not fully be myself, so it's best to not take anything and explore myself, the ocassional cannabis or psychdelic is fine, but to workout out the things and simply to meditate and workout is better a lot of this stuff is still in my body, and I smell it when I workout more and I get very high of my body I don't neccesarily require psychdelic, I do have the benefit that after a certain amount of exercise my life and body automatically becomes a psychdelic, but I'd really like to sit down and visualize once and then to focus on the visionboard on what I want to do and my life be about in the next years, and not to steadily solve things, so sporadically, but to get some stuff down. Also, a decent amount of girls liked and matched me, where I often think wow, what do I do now? I was so close to abundance, but we lacked the abillity to communicate in a relationship, as there are massive character differences between the two of us, and I am very grateful the little brother even liked my comment, as he can see the perspective and knows his family, and studies psychology now, it's odd I was responsible and the responsible one, with a princess that just wanted to play around and it's the DR archetype, but what I want to yearn for more is maturity, I will watch the maturity episode again, I was very good about taking care of paper work, making deals etc. the thing that came short is the creative expression of my work, and studying for more understanding not knowledge, if I do this I might block actualized.org, for a while and just write on Obsidian, I am perplexed how efficient it is for the complexity on how I digest information, I am wasting my time not using the application. The core point as my old journals that got deleted and I am only here through the will of Leo. I watch the video and game in a second, I do have to make this a onetime serious commitment, and focus more on reality, instead of the digital reality and maturity in this fked situation and figure out why as well as stick with the process, on what to do, what are obstacles, and how can I go about making it more real. I miss some core things, that I will have to say no to, but I can get some of it in.

What I mainly notice is the following: I tend to work well on projects and my passion, but I require some momentum Meditation gives me momentum with workouts, but at times the time dedication takes me a lot of effort to get started Smaller meditations and focusing on retreats has shifted my mindset towards being more productive I am still in the transition period of fun, as I just quit smoking and I should just also calm down a bit I am still in a period where massive work and growth is possible, I am now later as I'd like to be Most issues arise from not focusing properly on the purpose of reading, and gaining more knowlege as there is a monetary incentive There is just a lack of responsibility after all of these deaths, I don't quite know how to handle that at times and betrayls It's generally a waste of time to be on the forum, but it serves as a buffer I don't get enough social value, when I am fully in purpose the most distracting people arrive, and mostly only gaming & going out has helped me I don't quite know what to change, I already changed some small stuff, but at times it's to much What I can mostly say and tell is the following, I should double down on my purpose, and just start to care and work on the current problems, and reflect with A.I and it served me many times, most of my time is wasted in smaller altercations, now I can build a true knowledge base etc. My core issue, is that I am not simply acting on some core reflections, most stuff I had handled and finding a different influence instead of Leo Gura, this is mostly for fun and for different types of content. It would be wise to simply do, that and be less on the forum, my biggest enemy is the self, and the self-sabotaging qualities of my abillites after discovering them, and the massive amounts of distractions from Leo, Integral, and other stuff that simply hinders at times more basic activites, I am not really finding a work around or direct solution, besides I put the forum on a timer, and handled some different stuff, but I let loose after I became more transparent in self or construct aware, my core issue is not creating a new plan with obsidian, and just going about that plan roughly, the structure etc. was nice but all of the extra survival stress and things constantly breaking around me was super stressful, if I get in some type of flow or concentration it's no issue, but I also get super hungry, and my body craves more food then ever, This is better, let me write a couple of posts, I am very thankful for Leo being so patient to me, while I work out some stuff, that fosters betrayl in others, and often times I find very quick solutions, if I speed a bit up and breakthrough, but I also consumed to many videos of Leo, it's better to watch them under psychedelic influence or to make a post on the forum, contemplating the content, and not keeping everything private, my life is very different, after consciously choosing a path, of A.I and I'd like to contemplate that and some core issues I see on the forum, as well as with myself and my munificient time spending on the forum, as welll as having some boundaries and what worked with other humans and survival, I still am on a path to get more money, my core issue was the treacherousness and predetor qualities of the ex-gf, I had and I did not notice how this takes place generally there are some issues in there, that I'd like to write about first, I am a bit amazed I organized myself so fast in this chaos, and found all relevant data.

Soon done, I really wanted to bring some change into science, but I made the mistake of going to an NGO, and not a more funded university, but they had lectures that interest me, I will write a bit of a longer comment eventually, there are some things I would never do, but I fell into the trap of this american mindset, and the issues europe faces, and the reality facing stuff I built during my bachelor studies, now I sort of face the issue of being

Rewatching this while gaming later I contemplate with GPT

I watched the entire thing and I am contemplating some simple things, as I noticed some clear changes and differences, the ressources I purchased are way better for training myself and getting into the mystical as well as my interests, but I notice the creep-up of searching for entertainment and time, for example I made progress in a game, and steadily make progress, by simply focusing on improvement and some esoteric wu-stuff and focusing on what works, but as soon as I turn to more hard sciences etc. I get some of the mystical connections, and I am pulled away but the wu that does not practice any type of meditation, and I just use it as a pointer, I was able to fortunately question the structure of multiple things and sort of find ways around it, being more spiral dynamics aware, but the private work that I do teaches me a lot of structure that is a bit more important then the videos, imo the videos don't quite touch the depth of Wilbers work and Leo's own train of thought on the subject, so often it's a waste of time to watch the video, but it gives the overall frame of reference and arch to see things, my core point with all of this is, I have a conscious channel about structure, so often I blabel endlessly about structure and think about it, and others are annoyed and more focused on the practical things, but the meta-structure that I see and the meditative practices usually generate the more conscious success, but I have to create still the new structure and framework, and work more closely with my interest, at times it's to much actualized.org, and to little, just do what does you good that creates the structure often times, when I am very deep in a topic, I turn on the intutive faculties, or humour, and I sort of have to put that back on the list and that takes a hard topic to a mystical experience, my core point is simply, I lost a lot of joy studying things, as people engaged with me for survival purposes and benefits, not out of curisoity, for e.g the more psychdelic using friends and homies were just interested for the sake of being interested and sharing mystical experience, survival was a side-effect at best, or the ones who love survival, to enjoy it with them, but show them inform them about the boundaries, that it can't always be about the practical and survival anyhow. I am still working out this, the core issue with the ex and all of this it was so heavily focused on survival, while I seek transcendence my entire life, and I am not sitting there just manifesting for various reasons, I continue my gratitude journal and I am grateful I am not thinking about her anymore and wrote that down. Listening to this a bit. I had also the priviledge to work with structurally open scientist, but in the end it was co-opted by this modern elon type of survival, and just a lack of community and relating, there are for sure mistakes that I did, but I disliked the gut feeling of just going for survival and the people I attracted, they were the most survival ridden people possible, their country destroyed barely has electricity and I was chilling with so many different people, there was no single facet to them anymore. I can see the psychdelic trips, that I am the one who creates them and they are part of the illusion that I enjoy, but the mystical aspect, I also change a lot in subtle ways, I definitely crave some experience with survival to simple be better, but the core issue I faced with philosophy is that many don't really benefit me that much besides going deeper into Wilbers & Psychology work, there is 0 ressonance with society at all. Psychdelics are also the leading edge.

The last one then I take a break.

I finished the video, the sort of "grooming" of companies and adding towards the lifestyle is true, what I see is missing is a consciousness perspective that automatically creates the new change that one yearns to see, but the risk lies exactly in what he teaches about, to quietly benefit the status quo of the company or conglomerate while being stuck in the middle/early levels of the company, not breaking free of the matrix, now having calculated some advanced stuff, I see it a bit more differently, and the core point is about being conscious and using ressources to benefit the company to steer it in a different direction, the core issue is utilization and perception, and how to mange ones self-image in order to bring about anything of benefit that is not only profit based, or to simply meditate and reflect a lot and be more practical and search for avenues and reflect on where you want to do or change a certain aspect of a company, or what you don't understand, my core issue was I was to eager and barely had any time to engage with the companies benefits, and they also sent me away to get practical experience, as well as I was still stuck in the core point of being manger/coder & influencer, as I did not really understand myself that well in that enviroment having had the freedom to research and just pull in the priviledged work of just accumulating knowledge and insight of tech products in IoT and simply having more time. You can be mostly free of it by being aware and meditating, taking some retreats and doing psychdelics for insights, I don't think he touches the core of generating new creative ways to create profit, for a company, which many gun for nowadays with the "game changer" generation and A.I that they leverage some creative outlet and if that is not possible they will outsource it for their product, there is a lack of inhouse generated income through dedicated education and efforts, or let alone the core issue of technical debt and working out technical debt, as I realized to late I had to do that. But as of now, this serves of little value in contrast to the books that I have here, but it's good food for thought.

Watching this next then reflecting on my own life again a bit, so I get this done, I am more involved with Wilber and some other courses, I find some of the blog post relatively obvious, to what I experienced, and what I did, I never had the luxury to be seen as pure intellectual left liberal, it's often a mix of various biases, while I do a certain amount of practical work, what is missing at times is recovery & fun, that has been missing the most the recent years, as well as the core issue of bias in this post-modern way, were they are not involved anymore in being a bit more conservative and practically supportive, as I had with the chinese friend of mine, who was way more involved in my personal life for practical reasons, but some issues came up with lies & confusion about political opinions and the mass-simulcrum of negative echo-chambers of the online world, calling Xi-Jing Ping kindergarden president, and some information that had no basis or evidence, when I checked Wiki it showed the exact opposite, it created this conservative goes survival for bolshevistic tendencies, and modernists underestimating the complexity and outsourcing interesting projects, to just sitting there and not doing anything meaningful besides reading code bases etc. I stop here. I watch the video above first.