musicalwatch

This week my car broke down. The next day the toilet flooded my apartment, then I saw 3 crashes on the highway and found out that my cat was abused by the previous owner, a friend that gave her to me. I could tell by observing how terrified she got when she saw him again for the first time in months. I mean.... I have done bad things in life and all but is it even possible to stop being literally cursed?

This is the way

Thank you. I always overthink things, other people tell me this too. “I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” ― Mark Twain

So I watched Leo's "How to stop being a victim video, part 1" and started feeling extremely heavy inside. Lots of unexplained heaviness inside that I suddenly got. No other Leo's video caused it before and I watched a lot of them. Aaaaand then I thought that I was abused as a child. Sexually. The weird thing is that I am a guy and was raised in Russia by a single mom since 11 years old after my father died on the toilet from boozing too much one morning. I don't truly know what he did for living- maybe he was a crook, maybe he was a decent successful man. The only thing I know is that the economic crisis of the 1990's didn't touch us and we always had money. I have no memories of any sexual abuse whatsoever. However, I do remember discovering "Marquise de Sade"'s book under my mother's bed when I was around 12 and read that shit. That REALLY fucked me up. Nevertheless, I finished the whole book in a heartbeat. Anyways, maybe it's all in my head and it's the mind trick that my "Victim Identity" plays on me. Should I try to get to the bottom of it and focus on Shadow Psychology? I can't really remember much of my childhood to be honest. I discovered one repressed memory not too long ago- I pissed in a beer bottle when I was 13 and manipulated my friend to drink it. Should I keep digging or focus on the NOW? I am really scared

Could I have been a victim of some monstrosity or am I a monster who repressed something and now tries to blame someone else. I don't even know where to start thinking. Maybe I am just me who imagined all that because Leo's video struck to the core of my Being

Guys, is anyone living in their "zone of genius" besides Leo here? Why would anyone willingly try to live in their zone of genius? Geniuses are not normal and almost all of them are extremely unhappy and depressed. From an outsider perspective (I don't even live in my zone of excellence) it seems that nothing brings geniuses joy in life besides their work, everything is bland because they understand the pettiness of problems and concerns of normal people. I can't even finish Leo's life purpose course and am terrified to do his exercises because I don't want to live in the zone of genius. In fact, I don't even want to know what my zone of genius is. I would rather stick to the zone of excellence. I love that motivational video but it is TERRIFYING. Isn't there another way to be a happy dude?

I am glad you understand me. It is a dilemma, isn't it? I am passionate about mathematics but sometimes it is scary the levels of understanding theoretical math can open for you, especially branches like Topology.... My math undergraduate classmate used to joke "The whole point of the program is to give us a second hand autism". My second passion is languages. I can pick up on languages and enjoy learning them. That skill is just so chill and fun. Learn languages, travel, socialize, get some programming gigs for money. That sorta thing. Life as a great mathematician just looks grim as shit. Even if you do enjoy that route, most great theoretical mathematicians might get 20k for their genius research if they are lucky. Society doesn't give enough props to Math in my opinion. I probably just don't enjoy the field to commit all my life to it lol