Cred

These are from a couple of months ago. My hair is longer now. I barely have any photos that are more recent.

Thanks for making me aware of the word qualia, it is actually kind of a word that I have been looking for. In my model, The sequence is separate from qualia.

The reason why I rationalize is not because I'm sick, it's because I'm autistic. The reason why I don't shy away from rationalizing vulgar and offensive topics is not because I'm sick, it's because I have ADHD. Do you realize now why the neurodiversity language is negative to the great detriment of neurodivergent people? It's because of people like YOU. When your argument to my point of "if you have ADHD, implicit conventions like "don't rationalize pedophilia" have no truth to you" is "bro it should be obvious that it is wrong to rationalize pedophilia" then it is obvious to me that you did not get my point at all. Well I agree with you however I think that I'm much more precise and my reasoning goes beyond simple black/white, good/bad dichotomies. The fuck????

can you explain what you mean with this exactly what is your conventional answer? That pedophiles are just evil bruh? And you dare to accuse me of nativity? I'm sorry, I cannot find any substantive critique in this paragraph. To me this is just ideological ramblings. Can you tell me what you want to stay with this? What do you think pedophilia is? A form of sadism? Do you actually believe that evil exists? What do you think evil is? Where do you think Evil is coming from? I'm sorry I can't find any substance in this reply. It just seems to me that what I wrote made you upset in some way. If you can't articulate a proper critique, I can't answer properly.

Thursday: March 19th, 2026. Urgency/stress is distinct from drive/eustress.

There is a very important distinction to be made between urgency and drive. The former leads to stress while the letter is some kind of eustress. I have never been more driven than right now. However, there is very fiew urgency and I try to avoid it.

There's nothing inherently wrong with watching porn. Porn addiction is a symptom of a deeper problem which is alienation. If one fights porn then one fights the symptom and not the cause.

@AtmanIsBrahman My answer is no. What is your point? Do you want me to completely reinvent language? You seem to be assuming that I'm just juggling with concepts here, but I'm not. Every one of my points are rooted in direct observation.

There is a very important distinction between doubt and the dialectical method. The latter archives an accurate view of the world without ever having to doubt oneself. "I am not doubting my worldview, but I am acknowledging that I have not integrated its antithesis yet, but I am in the process of doing so"

There is exactly one leap of faith that you need to do to break out of the faith-doubt, success-failure spiral, which is the faith in letting go of all self-doubt. Once you have faith that you deserve to exist purely by virtue of being yourself, you are liberated. Once your only goal is non-doubt which is authenticity, you can not fail anymore. This idea of asking yourself "do I deserve to live? What do I have to achieve to be able to prove that I deserve to exist?" is an idea that does only exist in humans. It does not exist in the animal kingdom and it also did not exist in humanity until it was corrupted by civilization and private property. It is a narrative that is artificially perpetuated, so the working class keep serving those who own the means of production. In truth, the world does not need capitalism anymore. There exists enough wealth to make everybody on the planet self-actualize and live authentically on the long run. The only reason why capitalist ideology is still so prevalent is because western people are so propagandized by anti-communism propaganda.

Would you have derived all these ideas about Atman/Brahman if you had never heard of those terms?

It seems you have understood very well what my point was. I agree that "abandonment" is the manifestation of something more broad and abstract. To me this is "the abyss". I have described it here: I focussed on abandonment to avoid abstract-ontological-existential-metaphysics-land which is hard to grasp for people which is likely why this post has no replies. It seems that the abyss is an established concept in continental philosophy, but I need to look deeper into it to be able to compare it to how I use it. Cool observation! My knowledge about Jeffrey Dahmer was part of the inspiration for this analysis on abandonment. My roommate said, that apparently, Dahmer only killed his victims when they were about to leave his place which is interesting and fits this idea that fear of abandonment (or fear of powerlessness as you say) played a role. This is really good analysis and a good extension and critique of my points. This is an example of a constructive reply to my points. I don't think we are in as much of a disagreement as you think. Again, I just used "fear of abandonment" as a placeholder for "the abyss" which includes fear of powerlessness. I kinda do think it might be that simple. There are a lot of times where complex phenomena could be reduced to a few mechanisms. Look at the emergent complexity of the game of life. This is the power of pattern recognition and abstraction. No. You can learn what meaning is, but it seems to me that one can't really increase ones sensitivity to it.

This post was somewhat experimental in that the argument why pedophiles need to have ADHD is weak and lacks rigorousity. This is because I'm working on a theory on neurodivergence in parallel and I constantly have new insights that are based in direct experience that I'm testing out. I am constantly working on my epistemology in this dialectical way. This is why I marked the first part as "less important". However, my point in that part broadly speaking, is not that radical which is "banging children is unconventional, therefore you need to be unconventionally minded to do it". The bulk of the part is kind of a bloated sloppy attempt at defining what conventionality is as precisely as possible. The reason why I keep doubling down on neurodiversity is because learning about it has only ever helped me understand the world and myself better and I only had a myriad of moments of "there is more depth to neurodiversity than I thought" and never the opposite. I hope that you remain open to my points. It is very unlikely that I will stop doubling down. To me, it is also not a joke.

Yeah I'm also kinda sceptical. I've heard people say he might right-wing-anti-israel. He has an interview with sneako that's a huge red flag.

I think this is fair. I'm in a theory building, brainstorming phase fight now and this is very different from implementation. I have barely begun applying my model to business. I think it can lead to very radical conclusions in the field and solve a lot of conflicts.

I have made a lot of notes this month and forgot to share them. Here they are. The numbers signify which day of March. This post and this post Might help for understanding some of these notes. 11 Monophonic (sequentiality): processing Polyphonic (simultaneity): interpreting Resophonic / ampliphonic / phase flow / feedback / resonant (sensitivity): ruminating Ontophonic: neither I think an HSP (highly sensitive person) is someone who is neither monophonic nor polyphonic. “Harmonic” is now replaced with euphonic “Disharmonic” is replaced with cacophonic Hylophony: high-entropy symphony Aniphony: low-entropy symphony What is omniphonic? “The reason feedback loops create stable structures everywhere in physics is that they impose a self-consistency condition on waves. Only patterns that reproduce themselves after one cycle survive.” 12 What if a field, a wave, and space are the same thing? Simultaneity asks whether a wave is similar Sequentiality asks whether a wave is coherent Sensitivity asks whether a wave is resonant 14 Main claim: Reality is consistent because the psyche must be consistent. The stability of reality equals the stability of the mind. Example: When the mind becomes unstable → dreams occur (reality becomes chaotic). A dream is not unstable in terms of resonance. In fact, a dream is often more resonant in the symbolic and subjective/emotional modes than the waking state. A dream is only dissonant with respect to the objective, logical mode of resonance. In this way, dreaming may create a balance between the three modes (assuming there are only three), compared to someone who does not sleep. When asked what determines the structure of the mind, Leo says: It is a deep mystery. The mind has the structure of a field. When the field is not excited, it is empty. When it resonates, it becomes a space—a non-linear resonant body with system-like qualities, and thus becomes existent. Criticism of the resonance idea: What patterns? What is resonance? Where does it come from? Why is it necessary? Thoughts How do different frequencies interact with one another over time? The “sensitive” topology is resonant; the ADHD topology is linear; the neurotypical topology is non-linear; the autistic topology is sequential. The topology of autistic people has more depth; the topology of neurotypical people is more self-communicating and therefore less rigid; the topology of HSPs is more reflective (and/or recursive?). What is the minimal fractal that exhibits these properties? In neurotypical individuals, the topology itself has wave-like qualities; in ADHD individuals, the topology is more rigid. 14 (continued) The dopamine system seeks collapse The serotonin system seeks stability The fight-or-flight system seeks disintegration 15 Body (Leib), Merleau-Ponty: physical body, sounding body, resonant body, embodiment Repetition (Deleuze) What is doubt in my theory? Doubt vs. contemplation: Doubt: “I do not accept this because…” Constructive feedback: “I accept you, but here you could improve.” 16 Communication: Humor, provocation, ragebait (e.g., Sneako / IShowSpeed style) Streaming? Website: Interactive website with colorful visuals Extremely complex site, controllable via a controller YouTube videos alternating between: me, a notes app and the website Universal introduction → perspectives on different fields Domain name??? Fields: Pedagogy Education Dualities A symphony is: Neither ideal nor non-ideal Neither idea nor non-idea Neither order nor chaos Neither infinite nor finite Neither unity nor duality Neither synthesis nor non-synthesis Neither symbiosis nor non-symbiosis Neither harmony nor disharmony → Maybe: “super-combination”? → Or simply: “a symphony between …” Lack of human dignity = cacophony (a cacophonic judgment) Human dignity = euphony Thoughts Should I first study mythology to find the perfect name? What are the Infinity Stones? 17 System = process 18 Symphony → beauty beyond harmony Euphony → symphony without alienation Cacophony → symphony with alienation Orchestra → reality giving birth to the symphony that is being Conductor → visionary who guides the course of history The soul is the striving of the spirit toward embodiment; it is embodied spirit The body of Christ is pure embodiment without alienation Being is embodiment Spirit is the field Soul is the wave Body is space Consonance and its opposite: dissonance Both consonance and dissonance can be embodied Resonance can include both consonance and dissonance When does space become a body? → When it becomes personal Symbiosis is the integral (the intact, the whole) Only a coherent wave can persist and thus exist Incoherence leads to destructive interference and thus non-existence Avoid resonance catastrophe Masking is when one’s own topology is adapted to avoid incoherence Masking is stabilizing and grounding. If done excessively and unconsciously, it can lead to fragmentation Masking is necessary to build something Masking is the tension between the true self and the self-image What role does the unconscious play? The collective unconscious consists of the three properties of the wave

Consciousness is the field The soul is the wave The body is the Space God and the absolute are all three (and more?)

Since the last draft of my ontological cosmology, my theory has become A LOT more streamlined. It seems to have moved from the domain of analytical idealism to the domain of field ontology. Of course, I have been inspired by physics, however, I am using every concept borrowed from physics as a metaphysical principle that applies to all of reality, including physics on every level of granularity because of the self-similar nature of reality. What is Reality? Field is the absolute. Reality is space. A space is a duality with an outer boundary, and an inner boundary that separates the dualities. The space has the field quality. The outer boundary of the space is necessary to prevent the disintegration of the space and the inner boundary is necessary to prevent the collapse of the space. The outer boundary allows the field of the space to resonate. Resonance is what happens, when the frequency of the wave match the outer boundary, such that it becomes a standing wave and therefore allows for existence, which is an instance of being which is field. Any wave with the same frequency with an inverted phase in the same space will cause destructive interference and therefore the complete negation of the standing wave, which is non-existence. A space with no wave is empty. The qualities of field Field has three qualities: Unity, duality and wave, which itself has four qualities: Frequency, Spectrum, Amplitude and Phase. Unity is the devine desire for the collapse of duality, which is space, into singularity. Duality is the gift from god that establishes space and allows for existence. Frequency is sequentiality and causes the manifestation of logic and the object. Spectrum is simultaneity and causes the manifestation of meaning and the symbol. Amplitude is feeling and causes the manifestation of phenomenon and the subject. Conclusion Of course, this is just another draft. The theory will change again, when I try to integrate more concepts into it, especially from physics, about which I need to learn a lot more. It might not seem like it, but as it stands, it explains A LOT. There are still open questions and inconsistencies like: What exactly is phase? How exactly does resonance and dissonance happen? What is a mind, and how does the distribution of the three attributes (neurodivergence-neurotypicalness distribution) arise? Idea: Mind is a topology (resonance body) that creates a space with special attributes The HSP topology creates a ton of feedback (wave is trapped inside for longer). It creates resonance when there is a pleasant feeling and dissonance when there is an unpleasant feeling. The Autism topology creates resonance when a wave is coherent and dissonance when it is incoherent. Neurotypical topology creates resonance when a wave fits its identity and dissonance when it is in conflict with its identity. If the field comes first, then what comes second? The wave or the space? Does the wave create the space (high frequencies create smaller spaces with a frequency of the Planck length creating singularity and lower frequencies create bigger spaces) or does the space create the wave? If it's the latter, then where does the space come from? Where do these forces of unity and duality come from? Do high frequencies create unity and low frequencies duality or is it the other way around or not at all what's happening? Is all of this in some way related to physics or just Deepak Chopra style pseudoscience? I'm pretty confident that I'm onto something, also because: (Fields of sense seems to be a lot more limited to my theory since it seems to assume spectrum, which is meaning, is the most fundamental, which is only a part of my theory)

I don't. At all. The more urgency I have, the less creative and productive I become

The pattern is the antidote to postmodernism. Ask them: "Are patterns relative? If I see a pattern, is this pattern only true for me or also true for others?"

The trick is to find other people who suck at people skills. Find other neurodivergent people. It is really easy to connect with them

@Toranvor Yes I would suggest you to focus on grounding exercises instead of intense meditation. Meditation can make your situation worse I think My top 3 guesses are You are in a very close relationship with someone toxic who is abusing you via manipulation, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse etc. You have enormous backlash from meditating or taking psychedelics that is uncovering trauma, which itself comes from toxic people you are in a relationship with like your parents Capitalism is suffocating you I really don't think It's something physiological except if you live in Hiroshima or something.

I honestly think all of y'all are projecting hard. You must understand that living in this world is not that poisonous. There's so many people who can live just fine. This forum is filled to the brim with highly sensitive people. When HSPs are mentally unwell, they develop chronic problems and psychosomatics. All of y'all have the same mental problems and you projecting them into some substances that poison you. This is textbook paranoia. And now you're in infecting another person with your paranoia. It's very dangerous advise.

Jesus fucking Christ. I feel bad for you. I have developed a model that can hopefully give you a valuable perspective to your problem. When you say that you are vomiting, my interpretation is that there is something wrong in your life that your body is trying to purge, but it doesn't know what it is. I have written several posts on this forum that are relevant for you. Here they are in order. If you read and understand them, you will gain a valuable new perspective on your issue: What is the purpose of manic depression It is a good introduction to the next post. The most important part is What is the purpose of schizophrenia This is the most important post for you. You need to find out what your elephant is, but you also need to be patient with yourself. The most important part is: It seems like you are in option 1 currently. You need to move to option 2 and try to avoid option 3. What is the purpose of paranoia In this post I entertain the idea of interpreting the symptoms of a psychotic disorder, rather than analyzing it. What could your vomiting represent? The origin of all Psychotic disorders: This is my best post so far. It describes the ontological basis of your problem. I interpret your vomiting as your body trying to get rid of something that is suffocating you. This means you are likely in the maw currently. Is there something in your life that takes away your autonomy or that suffocates you? The most important one is "What is the purpose of schizophrenia". It describes "the elephant in the room". I'm making an educated guess, that the thing your body wants to purge is such an elephant. I know that you are not describing symptoms of either manic depression, schizophrenia nor paranoia, however I believe that these illnesses result from the same origin which is self-alienation in a broad sense.

For me it happened when I gave my mind space. I stopped everything what I was doing and just focussed on following where my thoughts led me. Eventually I had so many ideas that it would take multiple lifetimes to manifest all of them.