SmartMonkey

I'm getting "Sorry, video does not exist" errors, and for some videos it's asking me to sign into Vimeo. Anyone else getting these errors?

@LastThursday That's exactly what I meant. Before meditation I neurotically tried to "fix" my own behavior by setting rigorous schedules to fit my extremely high standards of myself. When I wasn't perfect, I gave up completely and slid back into my old patterns. That cycle continued until I started turning inward and looking at things within myself I didn't want to look at. Through this past year I've "loosened up" these patterns and gained perspective on a lot of stuff. Realized my intense anger (which prevented me from functioning well in relationships) was just a cover for a lot of grief and vulnerability, all of which I've had the privilege of coming face to face with on the mat. Extremely difficult and turbulent process. But now I'm feeling more and more aligned with positive motivation, genuine creativity, rather than a desperate need to get away from pain. My relationships are healthier. I was able to drop a lot of negative habits with less shame when I fall off track. Accepted parts of myself I disowned. All that good stuff. Growth is a lot slower than I would like. But who am I to tell the process what it should and shouldn't be! If I'm able to loosen the patterns of shame and judgement on myself and others through this long term process, I'll go through 1000 ego backlashes and difficult days when I have to work through a lot of stuff. I don't care.

Thank you all for your replies. I realize I only mentioned meditation in my initial post. But I'm also actively working on improving my life situation, and using meditation as a way to loosen my patterns so I can work consistently towards my more practical goals moreso than to achieve enlightenment right now. I also exercise quite a bit, am finding my life purpose and taking action on aligning my life around that. I likely am neurodivergent and have thought about this, but was of the belief that that wouldn't change the correct steps I need to take to improve my life anyway. Cred, can I ask you what you mean when you keep referencing an "authentic life" for ND and how that is very different from a life that works for NT? I'm not sure that I 100% understand your guys' replies, but I want to understand. But thank you for taking the time.

Hey guys, first post here. Thank you for the opportunity to post on this forum. I've been watching actualized for 2+ years. Young 21 year old male. Been meditating daily for 1+ year. I've seen Leo's videos on Ego Backlash and Dark Side of Meditation which explain what I'm going through quite well. Mostly I am posting to find others who can relate to this. I'll have 2+ day periods of feeling on top of the world. Like I can conquer any challenge, like I can reach out and grab anything I want in life. Feels like the limitations have come finally come off my mind. Sometimes is accompanied by a selflessness, but more often than not it is accompanied by egotism. Like power is flowing through my veins. Then I'll have 1+ weeks of the exact opposite. My mind is hitting me with every negative thought I can come up with. Every insecurity, every negative emotion is just hitting me all at once. My thoughts will tell me my goals are impossible, I'm stuck, will never make it to where I want to go, etc. Cycles like this are pretty much where I'm at 24/7. I never really feel just calm and normal. I've been meditating over a year for an hour a day. I've sort of always had these emotional oscillations. But the meditation has certainly taken the lid off it. I have reframed all of this as spiritual purification, purging, growing pains, etc. I don't intend to stop working through this emotional turmoil, but I wanted to reach out and ask about others' experiences starting meditation. Wow, when I started personal development, there was an expectation that this was going to take ~6 months and all my problems would be solved, haha. I'm getting a lot more than I bargained for. I certainly see the growth, but damn is it more painful and confusing than I could have expected! Appreciate any replies. Thanks!