Beans

Nothing scares me more than the possibility of forgetting my core. And year after year. I do my best to remind myself. Why I am the way I am. I do my best to remember the suffering I’ve endured. I do my best to remember the abuse I’ve survived, because I never want to forget. I never want to forget what it feels like to have my shoes fall apart. I never want to forget what it felt like having no water at home. I never want to forget what it felt like having no electricity at home in the excruciating heat of summer. I never want to forget how hungry I was.I never want to forget how my siblings and I use to cry, because how hungry we were. I will never forget how I became as a child overweight, because how mortified I was of feeling so hungry. I never want to forget how we had nothing to our name. Not even a car that worked 24/7.I never want to forget how we didn’t have money for gas. And my dad had to push the car out the street with his best friend. And RANDOM people would come out in the streets to help them. And expected NOTHING in return. I never want to forget my dad & I filling empty gallons Of milk/juice cartons with water outside my aunts house at night. This wasn’t a sink. This the out door faucet. I never want to forget about my dad having to pawn everything we had in order to eat/pay rent. I never want to forget how my dad broke his back in the oil field. Having multiple disc damaged. And still being forced to work day and night. I never want to forget how I’d over hear my dad had no money to eat while working. And at 16 begging my mom to give my dad my money. So he can eat. I never want to forget about massaging his feet. Which were absolutely in the worse condition you can imagine. Swollen, blistered, bleeding, skin peeling off. And every night when he came back home I’d massage his feet till I’d fall asleep. He use to pay me as a kid for doing so. So I didn’t feel unappreciated at all. Back then my dad was this silly goofy dude. He had humor, he had swag. Of course deep trauma and a lot of problems. He became an alcoholic after his grandparents died. And lost his humor. Got swallowed by the extreme right’s brainwashing. And lost his core. Regardless, though I still love my dad. And I still wait and pray. That one day he and my mother’s freedom from this cult. Until then I really just hold onto my grandmother’s advice. Which was to be nice and give them grace. An insanely difficult task, but for my nana. I do it. 5/1/25 4:44am

Today joy helped me create my journal. :)) Today was shit and I was basically losing my mind, but misery loves company. And joy is definitely good company. Life is insane :3 and the world is going to shit. I’m just living like Larry and letting the universe take me wherever she pleases. Thank you all for your cooperation. I’ll check yall out later :3 omg I almost forgot to tell yall guys Friday we’re going on a date :)) I am really excited well that’s if joy is feeling okay. We are gonna watch one of my favorite movies Coraline. Basically this weird clay animation horror movie, but it’s def my favorite. I like to move it move it. I like to move it move it. We like to! Move it! :DD yall would not believe how bad of a mood I was in like not even a couple of hours before rn (it’s currently 9:23 where I am central time) :,) plz pray for joy lmao. Tysm for the prayers as always peace and love to yall

Another person who had a twin sibling was my great great grandfather whom I call tata. He was also born into this world with a twin sibling who unfortunately died at birth. Such a tragedy and heartbreaking story. I couldn’t imagine my other half dying. I remember telling my twin sister If I ever died can my ashes be with her. Hahaha she quickly said no, because she wanted her husband to be with her. To which I replied “I knew you first!” Part of me was really serious, because to me it made the most sense. We came in together. I want to be buried together. That’s just me though and I guess not everyone thinks the same, but perhaps when we’re old and grey one day she’ll reconsider it. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be older and watching how you lose your siblings slowly but surely. I don’t know how the elderly cope. Some of them don’t and die of heartbreaks. And that makes me really sad. I don’t want that for them. I hear some elderly people die by themselves and that also makes me very sad. Taking your last moments by yourself with no one to hold your hand. I hear some hospitals will fill a glove with warm water and tie it. To give it to their patients so it gives them the sensation that someone is here supporting them. And I would feel such an urge to hold their hand. I think support is so essential in life. I am nothing without the help of my loved ones. There is no possible way I’d be able to do it without them. Which is why I enjoy the phrase “it takes a village to raise a child” because it’s so true. So many people are so obsessed with doing it themselves, but the reality is that. It’s almost impossible to do it by ourselves. That relationships are essential to not just our growth but our wellbeing. These relationships have held me through my most difficult moments, and kept me going forward. These relationships have reminded me of my own power, and help remind me to protect it. So I give a lot of credit to these relationships. Even to the worse relationships. I wouldn’t be who I am without them. Without the pain and abuse I’ve endured. I would’ve never became beans today. I would’ve never learned to step back and dismantle this insane urge to bark and bite anyone who may cause me harm or any potential harm. This mindset would cause me to purge my friend list and to completely isolate myself, which felt like the right answer since in my mind I was safe. Only for it to set me back in a realization of my actions. I’ve cut myself off to receiving the love I’ve so desperately crave and seek. Thus making me even more desperate and eager to find it, because of this I ran into even more painful situations. To people who never gave the time of day to learn the things I love, to people who never truly choose me, to people who never wanted to dance with me, or hold my hand, or comfort me when I felt the world was overwhelming me. Or who cared to see just how imperfectly perfect I am. However the Beans Yimpa of 4/30/24 @ 9:38 pm Is a completely different person than I was back then. And chat I truly wish I could’ve shown you just who I was back then, but that’ll be a story for you next time. Truly from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being on this journey with me. Thank you for loving me. And thank you for supporting me in this journey of my life. I truly love and appreciate you all. Even to those who just read silently. I pray you all find what you’re looking for. I pray for your peace, happiness and health. I pray for your prosperity. until next time chat. for now I plan on resting. I’ll talk to you later. much love chat.

I love my twin sister. I love all my siblings, but having a twin sister truly is something special. At birth you come in with your best friend. Sharing a womb together, sharing our clothes together, comforting each other, laughing till our bellyaches, speaking in a blabbering and communicating to each other in this sense. Of course we’re siblings so we have fought, we argue, we’ve hurt each other. And for a really long time all my siblings and I use to fight each other, but as we ascended into adulthood. My siblings are truly becoming the closest connection I have in this world. And nothing can take that away from us. In life and in death. Our spirits is forever intertwined. Even with my parents. It’s not perfect, but I’ve finally come to terms that it’s not my job to make my parents life easier. It’s not my job to make them/sustain their happiness. Neither is it my job to make my partner’s life easier, or make them/sustain their happiness. Instead I’m showing up as me. And it feels like for the first time I’m being embraced and no longer rejected. are they perfect?? No do they still have abusive tendencies?? Of course. but now I have actual tools that I don’t only use in my romantic relationships, but also my personal relationships within my own family. Now I can draw the line at abuse with them as well. Now I can show up authentically as beans. And sometimes beans is shy, sometimes beans is scared thats perfectly okay. Sometimes beans pushes their comfort zone and can become a talkative person. Beans is extremely observant. Beans is very cautious. Beans is full of love. Beans is full of hope, beans is full of compassion and sometimes gas. {Haha had to. Get it beans my name is beans?? :)) } Im not really as invested into religion like my family, but i do have a relationship with the universe in my own way. I don’t really go to church, but I do listen to every aspect of wisdom no matter the form it comes in. Regardless if it’s Christianity, Catholicism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, Islam, etc. whatever speaks to me, speaks to me. Doesn’t have to be a certain aspect or religion. I’m open to wisdom in any shape it takes. im open to being water and taking whatever form I must in order to get where I want to be.

Very very true haha

Spent an extra day with my siblings I’ve missed them it’s been fun chatting and laughing with them again my family is far from perfect, but it’s imperfectly perfect. thank you to those who’ve express concern about my journey. I appreciate your kind words and support, however I love living my life my way. And only time can tell what will happen, but joy and I are dedicated to working on ourselves and our relationship. Of course prioritizing our work and journey. However, before agreeing to move back in with joy. I made it VERY VERY clear. That this time around I am not excusing abuse AT ALL. when I first entered this relationship I was to afraid to call joy out, but while being in this relationship. And being encouraged to go to therapy I’ve learned so much about myself and my boundaries. im a strong individual, and I truly thank my readers who acknowledge this, and appreciate my story I share on here. So please trust me when I say. I will always have my best interest at heart. And when enough is enough I will do what I must, but this time without so much fear. This time I’ve birthed confidence in my abilities. And that’s why it’s so different this time around. I feel reborn. And I plan to continue building onto this. I plan on protecting this little fire of mine with everything I got. thank you for listening to my story. Thank you for following my journey. And thank you for loving who I am.

:)) let us do our best to focus on our individual truth

I love dressing like a tomboy and a girlie girl whenever I feel like it. im a shapeshifting diva!

I’m so grateful for this new journey we’re taking

🥹🫂

OHHH MY GOOODD!! YIMPA’S JOURNAL!!! OMMG IM SO SO EXCITED FOR YOU!! CONGRATULATIONS ❤️🥰💯

Let’s just focus on ourselves and not this relationship let’s focus on healing and following our individual truth

Do you mean terminated relationship towards our therapist or us?? Are we not having any labels as of now?? hhhhhh joy you’re moving so fast

?????

Ahh I see thank you for clarifying.

Of course. I know we’re doing it separately and not together. Sorry perhaps I should be more specific whenever I say things.

https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2025/04/25/health/988-lgbtq-funding-plan

As Trump shuts down the suicide hotline, Canada has broadcasted their national hotline which now has a toll-free American version: 1-877-330-6366

I've never been so confused in my entire life. I don't want to make the wrong choice. I don't want to go through the same thing I just went through again. Am I being foolish to believe what is being told to me? At the end of the day. Only I can save myself. I want to stand firm on my boundaries this time. And not up put with I did originally. Will it work-out? God who fucking knows. My heart is so stubborn. It's frustrating. It's confusing. There's talks about us doing EMDR therapy which is a trauma based treatment. And I've been seeing good reviews from others on it. I'm scared, but I will take this leap of faith. Of course with caution.

But what does that mean joy. Is this you saying you don’t want a relationship? is this you saying all you want to focus is on God? I don’t understand and it’s just confusing me even further

I don’t think it’s a delusion. To save others or to love others.

This reminds me of when we met the kids who were using the pool. And how you were upset about how they’d jump over the fence, but then I told you “I’d rather these kids be here playing and having fun than them out on the streets doing something illegal or dangerous” Internalized racism is difficult to understand or uncover hidden biases. one by one we must dismantle them. Slowly but surely.

I think both is true. it is 100% essential to look at both angels and the bigger picture. You would’ve never found freedom from your pain if you didn’t experience this

It’s okay to fall apart. Pope Francis often emphasizes the importance of solidarity, reminding people that "we all need each other" and that we should "help each other". He calls for a future built on equality, solidarity, and tenderness, where the "other" is not just a statistic but a valued individual. This message is echoed in his writings and speeches, urging people to recognize their shared humanity and act with compassion and understanding. Of course when you can’t that’s another topic, but don’t go through this journey alone. Be like the trees and through our connections when another needs support. We offer it, but not living for others, not saving others when it comes to our own extent, etc. there’s a difference between support, and doing all the work for others to live for themselves. both of our goals is to live for ourselves, but when we need extra support on harder days we show up for each other as best as we can. And when we can’t. We shouldn’t take it out on each other.

Siri play that’s life by frank Sinatra